10 Year and Privacy

My daughter is tha same way she is 10 years old and very private...she always go in another room when she talks on the phone... and she also has a note on her door about keeping out she has also made some kind of alarm so if you walk in her room it will go off.... I know my daughter is changing she at the age that she wants to be a big girl sometime and other times she wants to play dolls. I don't think it is nothing to worry about.... Maybe it's just the age... I am also single, working mom and student......of just one ...L.

I too have a 10 year old daughter who goes in her room, shuts the door (we do not allow locking) etc. when she is on the phone. I too found it to be odd but I know the friends she is talking too and their parents so I don't feel like they are hiding anything other than talking about boys or how someone else is acting in school. I know for her, she does seem to exagerate and she knows I am going to call her on it or question her later. Also, I think at this age they have found that "we are not cool" (maybe someone elses mother is, but not theirs) and they are way cooler than us because after all they know everything.

I would let her have her space and just trust that you are still her mom & she knows that. When she needs to talk about things on her mind, she will come to you. But for the most part, they are getting busier socially and their world is expanding so I would keep involved with her friends, school etc.

Also, I found that one of the other 10 years old girl she was talking with (behind closed doors) was going thru an issue and they seemed to talk a lot. The little girl was going to be meeting her dad after a 2 year absense and was excited, scared etc. So it wasn't has much as my daughter, it was the other little girl that wanted my daughter to be the sounding board. Now I DO ask how is so and so & if there is something to talk about, she will tell me stuff.

I am not worried as I try to be a very involved and keep up with her social circle and hopefully this will carry us to the teen years (Ah).

Good Luck.

J.

Can I say this in the nicest possible way? Welcome to the world of having a 10 year old girl!! My daughter is the same way, has to leave the room to talk on the phone because I just might say something "uncool" that could be overheard by her friends. She is learning to assert a bit of independence that will pass once she realizes that mom is also a girl...and is not as nerdy as she thinks.

I dont mind my daughter having her door shut, as long as she realizes that I do have the right to come in, as long as I knock first. We have finally established that mom might want some privacy too (what is that?????). I can enjoy a bath without an audience!!!

I wouldn't worry, talk to her and help her understand that privacy is important but must also be respected by all parties.

M.

I don't think you need to be concern but, at the same time, that is your house. If you don't want her to have the door close, don't let her. Also, make sure you two have a realtionship that you can share things together. We are living in a dangerous world. You want to make sure that when the converstaion is over, she can come and talk to you about it.

A liitle about me: Three children, two teenage girls and one 7 year old; married for 16 years

My son is 15, and believe me this is normal. Go ahead and let her have her privacy. Let her know that she can have her calls in her room or where ever, but set a limit, 10 min or 15. Keep talking to her, ask her how school was and take your dinners at the table, maybe have a game night. It is important to remain a part of her life but you have to let her go... she is growing up and testing the limits of your trust in her. By getting in her face and insisting that she talk in the open you are telling her that you dont trust her. Trust the way you raised her, I am sure she is a great kid!

If it bothers you or you think there is somehting fishy going on, my opinion is to tell her either she leaves her door open during phone calls or she can't talk on the phone. Does she have a computer in her room? If she does, do not allow her to have a web cam, or at least make her leave the door open all the time. If nothing else, take the door off its hinges.

Hi Keisha, I didnt have time to read the other comments but figured Id throw my two cents in. I do not have daughters but I do vividly remember how my mom ran her house with 3 daughters. We had time limits on the phone with friends - maybe 10 -15 minutes ... yes its short but she always said that we could talk at school or at lunch and we were not allowed to take the phone into our rooms until we were 14... so everything was in the living room or kitchen. The doors in our house were never closed unless we were changing. My mother actually took our doors off the hinges and put them in her room if we disobeyed this rule. Also, after the allotted time limit on the phone, she put it on speaker and then if we kept talking or whatever that was our problem. Also, all calls were before 6pm, because after that it was dinner and family time. I absolutely hated my mom for this, but looking back I realize why she did it and, honestly, I will do it to my daughters if I have any. Anyways, just thought I would say my piece.

I noticed a lot of people said to tell your daughter that she could be in the room, but to keep the door open. That is exactly what I was going to say. But I would take it a step further, and let your daughter pick out a fun or funky beaded curtin for the doorway. You can get them at any Spencer's gifts, in just about any mall. It might give her more of an illusion of privacy, but you will still be able to hear every word if you feel you need to. And letting her pick it will help her feel that you are in it together, not you agianst her.

Wow. Kiesha, I feel you. I have 2 step daughters that are 13 & 11. There is NO way they have "privacy" in my home nor require me to "knock before entering." They pay no bills and therefore have no such rights. Their conversations are held within earshot so that I monitor what's being talked about. Also, check and see if your daughter has a myspace. The minimum age to have one is 14, but both my daughters "lied" about their age to get one. I IMMEDIATELY became friends on their pages to see the comments being posted etc. You HAVE to be sooo careful. She could be listening to a grown man telling her to close the door so they can talk privately. You never know. There is no such thing as privacy until you get your own place. Good luck lady! I'll be praying for you!

D.

My first thought is that it's totally normal. Just because you did not act a certain way does not mean your daughter will follow suit. A lot of kids this age need their privacy. I think you probably should knock before going into her room. At this age, they become very familiar with their changing bodies and, rightfully so, do not want to share them with anyone. She may be afraid someone will walk in when she is changing clothes. As for the phone, I think it would be fine to have a family rule that phone calls are conducted in a family area. Just like using the computer, their usage may need to be monitored. Don't butt in but do be vigilant about what is being talked about. But understand she is growing up and requesting privacy is not a bad thing. Good luck!

Unless she's paying you every month to rent out that room, you have the say so for her to keep it open, and as for knocking before you come in...yeah right! Lol!
Like I said, until she kicks in rent, you can enforce any rule you like, and all she can do is deal with it, in this day in age, you have to be in your child's conversations, just to make sure they're staying safe.

Good Luck....and she's not even a teenager yet! ;-)

Hi Keisha,

I have two daughters - now 12 and 14 - and they started doing the same thing at about the same age. I have put limits on their phone calls and given them "guidelines" telling them that they can either keep the door open OR stay in the kitchen on the phone. I totally agree, girls their age do not need to be in their room with the door closed talking on the phone. I have recently discovered that girls their age don't need cell phones with unlimited text messaging either - thats even more private than being in their room with the door closed - at least then you can listen on the extension if you have to.
Anyway - my girls now use the phone on the kitchen wall if they want to talk to their friends. It's hard to restrict them so much but we are still their parents and its up to us to guide them and help them to know whats right and whats wrong because right now they are too young to determine that for themselves.
Take care,

Keisha, I have a 9 year old daughter and I am starting to notice a slight change in her as well. You should be very concerned about your daughter closing her door. Simply don't allow her to close the door, especially talking on the phone. You didn't mention it, but if you have a computer in your home and I am sure you do, you need to monitor her time online as well. Basically, just sit down and have a heart to heart with her. You will see from her converstation or lack of where she is right now mentally and emotionally. I wish you the best. But remember the wisdom that you learn from your parents and use that wisdom on your daughter.

Hello Keisha;

First things first. You have to re-establish hierarchy. Meaning that you are the parent. Your child is not your equal and should never be. Therefore, if you allow her ground to undermine you, you will lose complete control of her. That fact that you have allowed her to take phone calls in private and in her bedroom with the door closed reaffirms.

Second, put an end to the private phone conversations. If she wants to use the phone, you must know who she is talking to and establish a time and limit for her to use the phone. Again, re-establish who is in control. If you do not regain control of your daughter she will be coming and going as she pleases at age 13. You will not be able to stop her due to the fact that she’s proven with situations like the private phone calls that you have no power over her.

Third, when you have scheduled when and the time limits for using the phone, approve who she can talk to. You have no idea right now if she is talking to someone who is older than she is and if that someone is an older boy or man. We are living in troubled times, you have to be on top of what she is doing.

Four, establish rules, her bedroom door is to remain open unless she is dressing. That's it. A sure fire way to lose your child is to allow them to create ways to keep you in the dark (i.e., the private phone calls and closed doors). If she has en email address, you should know the pass word and check to see what activities and to whom she is receiving and sending emails. Set the parental controls on your computer if you have not done so. Don't give her a cell. This is another way for her to keep secrets about what she is doing.

Lastly, you must talk to her and so that she understands that you love her and that you are there to protect and guide her. That absolutely there should be no secrets between you and that you must approve her friends. Another word of advice Keisha, do not allow her to form friendships with children who parents aren’t rearing their children in the same manner you are. This is a prescription for disaster.

Hope this helps;

Gloria B.

I think that when yo ulive under someones roof you don't have privacy except for bathroom visit. She might be a littl too young for space like that. Just think of it as hiding something so just be as open as possible with her so she can trust you. Kids are doing things at an early age so keep your eyes and ears open at all times.

C.

Oh Keisha, I feel for you. I have three the oldest now 17 y.o. and she is more private than my 11 y.o. Some girls grow faster than others in the way of maturity. What you may have experienced can be so totally the oposite of what your daughter is experiencing. I call our Age the MTV age of raising kids. They watch alot of it and all want it. So our values are more important than ever.

The era of Church that we were raised in is over. We don't even have time for it ourselves. I have started by finding a friend in which she relates that goes to youth group at the church. I've attended the church (even though it's not mine). Then I started letting her go with her girlfriend. She thought she was being allowed to do something "special" with a friend. I'm not a holy roller. Just a believer in God and all that he can give you. Sorry I don't mean to offend, but I don't know how I would have made it thru some of my tuff times without him. Anyway, my eldes teenager is secretive. I started by listening to what she would tell me. I don't try to fix anything just listen and be supportive. Tell her you understand. Once she gains your trust (this may take a while) she will tell you things. You may not be ready to hear what she tells you. It may upset you. Don't yell and scream and try to react. Think about it and talk later about what she can do.

Trust you're instincts; the more secretive you allow her to become, the worse it can get. My guess is someone is making her feel special. They're telling her things that are making her feel good. You need to be the one to tell her what she's doing right (and not always what she does wrong) and she will want to hear more, more, more from you. Did she get an A on something? Did she clean her room? Do her homework? Anything positive. Make her feel special, take her out for this. Rewards are very important and so far and few between. Think about how good praise is in your life. Do you get any? Give our children love and praise!

This is sad, but usually how someone gets close to your child that you wouldn't want to get close to her. Usually, a boy. It can be a 13 y.o. who's small himself, but ready for what she's really not. The more he gains her trust; the more likely he is to take advantage of her vulnerbility. Or, drugs...someone who gains her trust and introduces her to that.
Who am I to say anything...? A older guy raped me at 15. Gaining my trust, telling me I was pretty, buying me a ring; then soon after you know, the bedroom. Of course he dumped me right after. My sister was 13 y.o. and certainly not ready then.

I grew up in the Inner City, went to Patterson High; raised by a single mother who was never home. She loved us, that we knew. She made huge mistakes. She ran constantly in the evennings and wasn't home to monitor the comings and goings of the neighborhood kids using our home as a hang out. Some did drugs. While she was dating a Balto City cop! She says now that she didn't want to bring the men home. I understand, but it's not the kids fault the parent is single.

Luckily we were into Music and attracted people who liked to play it. I started playing in bands at 14 and wound up moving to Vegas. I turned out ok. It could have worked the oposite. Hope I helped....Gabrielle or E.

I understand her desire for privacy, but I heard a talk by one of Virginia's leading troopers on catching child predators and let me tell you, it was horrifying. He kept repeating over and over and over, don't let your kids communicate with people you don't know. And how will you know who it is if she takes the calls in her room with the door shut? There are contracts out there about internet usage, phone calls, etc. that the parent and child sign and this might be a great, loving way to talk to her about why you are concerned.

I don't see nothing wrong with this. I still do this. I just don't like people hearing what I'm talking about on the phone. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to. I would just talk to her and if like her grades drop, her behavior changes or anything like that then make her keep her door open. Let her only have a set time on the phone or internet. I feel you got to let your kids have some private time. My son (16), talks on the phone in his room with the door shut. The computer is out where we can see it. Plus I have all the passwords to his im, emails, and myspace. I won't worry about it too much.

You should let her know she is aloud some privacy but when she is on the phone. She can go in her room but the door has to stay open. And she should understand that since she is only 10 that she shouldn't have anything that should be kept from you. I think she is just tapping into her early teen.

As a teacher and a mother of a preteen, I would would be a bit concerned. There are so many variables in our world these days, like predators (online and offline). I would talk to her and explain to her your concerns and responsibilities as a parent. Then set some fair limits. She can talk on the phone in her room with the door open, or negotiate some time limits for her to have her room door closed (from 7-8 pm) or whatever you two agree upon. She will not like it and may even resist. She might even think you are crazy, but it is important that she recognizes that as a family unit, there are times for privacy and times for the family to be connected. Stick to your rules and if she does not follow through be sure to have consequences that are fair and consistent. It is better to do this now, than to struggle with this issue at 16 (by that time, it might be a losing battle). Best wishes and trust me, she will eventually come around.

I feel for you Keisha. Up and coming (almost) teenage girls are a handful. Set your boundaries now. She needs to know your rules and that you stick to them as she enters a very challenging phase of her life.

Going into her room to talk is one thing, closing the door another. Not a good idea. You are the parent and you get to set the rules. (Even more challenging as a single mom, you feel alone in being the tough one)

I have sons, and I find them to be much easier than daughters, at least from what I hear from my friends with girls - yikes! I have one friend whose 12 yr old daughter was completely ignoring her parents rules for keeping her bedroom door open when friends were over or during phone calls. To make their point, her mom took the door off of it's hinges! Extreme? Maybe. Did it work? Absolutely. She got her door back when she agreed to respect her parents rules. It hasn't been an issue since.

I am not suggesting you need to go to such lengths, but kids need boundaries. They feel safer when they have them, even though they will fight you every step of the way.

I agree with other posters about computers. They don't belong in a kid/teenager's bedroom. Keep them out in the open. It's too easy for rotten people to make their way into your home through the internet. We have to protect our kids.

Best of luck to you,
T.

Sometimes our intuition as parents is right on. If you feel like you should be worried, you probably should. You as the parent gets to make the rules. If you want an open door policy, enforce it! Tell her she can go in her room but she can't close the door.

Does she spend time online? There are so many places online that your daughter could meet someone... it is scary. I would talk to your daughter about who she is talking with on the phone. At 10, she should be able to still be in the same room with you....I have recently had some internet safety training with regards to children, and I would be very cautious.....
It is scary.

If this is something that concerns you, you need to establish some rules and communicate them to your daughter. For example, if it is the phone that has you worried, tell her that all phone calls must be taken with her door open or in another, more public room of the house. Keep in mind that she will want to be somewhere that she can hear the conversation without interupptions from your toddler, however.

If she has a computer in her room. . . no Internet access. If she is allowed to use the computer to "chat", be sure that you have any passwords, etc. My daughter is 14. We have set specific rules about phone use, computer use, when it is appropriate to "close the door for privacy", etc. If you start talking and establishing these rules now, as your 10 year old matures, if you are consistent, you will be able to continue to keep your eyes on her.

Over the years I have learned to trust my instincts. If something doesn't feel quite right to you, address it. Be sure you communicate it to your daughter as positively as possible. You don't want her to feel stifled. Its a fine line, but it is possible to navigate.

I know that you are busy with two children and a full time job. If possible, make some time to spend with your daughter doing girl things, or something you both particularly enjoy. Use this as an opportunity to chat about the need for privacy and to share the "new" rules. Staying in touch with some one on one time is a great way to communicate with your daughter.
Young people definitely deserve some privacy, but within limits. Trust is something that is earned.

Even 10 yr olds have a right to privacy. She may not be doing anything wrong at all. 10 yrs old isn't that far from 13 and she should definitely need privacy then. I thinks it's a gradual process. I wouldn't worry much about it as long as you know who's on the other end of the phone.

Keisha M, if she was just looking at tv and she wants to keep your older slimbbling out i would say that is ok, but NO way should a 10 year old child be having that much privacy on a phone. Because you dont know who she is talking to and what she is saying or what the other person is saying. The world is to dangerous for us to let our children have so much freedom and I suggest that you put a end to that asap or at least talk to her and find out who she is talking to and if you have to ease drop on the first 2 mintues of the call to make sure it is who she said it is. I have two teenage son and a 7 years old daughter and I have done this with my sons because when my oldest which is 16 now, when we was 12 one of his friends called him but had three wayed a girl in and she was talking about "getting" with him and you know what that means. OH! I let you know it was on, I admittely interrupt that conversation and the girl and his friend tried to say that she didnt say anything after further investagation come to find out her mother wasnt at home and her dad had told her not to be on the phone and mind you it was after10pm at night that is a BIG NO NO in my house after 8:30 on a school night and maybe 9 on the weekend. So you see we have to take the upper hand in our children lives exspecially when you are a single parent because you want to be able to trust your child and you cant trust your child with that much privacy. If you want to talk more you can call me at ###-###-#### P. S.