11 Year Old Stepdaughter - 5 Year Old Son = HELP!

Why would a room for her mean a tv and video games, all she needs is a bed, dresser, and a place to call her own so she feels she belongs.

She's 11.
You're an adult.
You need to make her feel included as much as possible.
Your son gets to live with HER dad every day.
That's a big swallow for an 11 year old girl.
You married a man with a child. Make sure there is room in all of your lives for her.
Good luck!

Wow! Your attitude in the letter speaks tons. My heart goes out to that poor girl.

When she talks to me on the phone, it’s always asking me what I bought for the house, when am I going to fix up a room for her at my house, where are we taking her when she comes over... etc...

- So, it’s a problem because she is asking you questions about how she is going to be included in the life you have built with her dad?

Also, her mother is constantly trying to figure out how much $$$ we make/ spend so she can for more child support, since she lives off of this.

- This is something your husband needs to deal with us.

When she is with us, she constantly gets between us if we are watching tv, hugging, etc or just in the car driving around.

- For goodness sake, make some space for her. She is probably literally feeling shut out and that you have taken her place with her dad. She only comes for visits, you live with him, surely you can make some room for her on the couch once in a while?

If I walk, she walks a step behind, even if I have to use the bathroom! Not even my 5 year old does that.

- So she is either annoying you on purpose, in that oh-so-clever-soon-to-be-a-teenager way, or she is a bit needy, as a child whose dad has just remarried is likely to be.

She does not like or want my son around, saying he’s just a little kid.

- Do you seriously think any 11 year old wants a five year old around?

He wants to play or just watch tv with her ( it’s his room anyway where she stays at) , she just ignores him (and me).

- Ignoring him (and you) is not ok, but what is up with her staying in his room when she comes to visit? Is there not enough space for her to have her own room? Plus, she is turning into a young woman, when I was 11, I was really modest, I didn’t want anyone seeing my body, even if it was just a little kid.

There have been a couple times she talks in a nasty tone to me, but not saying anything really wrong, just enough to tick me off.

- Tone says a lot more than words, and rudeness is not appropriate. You and your husband need to agree on how rudeness to you will be handled, it should be the same coming from either of you, just in case he isn’t around.

I feel like when she's around, my only purpose is to spend, cook and clean up after them.

- Them? Does this include your husband? In that case, he isn’t doing such a great job modeling how his daughter should treat you.

He had a long talk with her, and told her to not let her mother manipulate the situation, because her mother is admittedly jealous, so is trying to cause trouble for us using her daughter.

- Her mother may very well being trying to cause problems. However, for your husband to say that her mother is “manipulating” the situation doesn’t help either. It telling this poor girl that the person who cares for her the majority of the time is bad.

I think I do not have to tolerate these things in my house.

- Again, your house. I do not get the feeling at all that you want this girl in your life or that you have made a place for her or that YOUR house is in any way her home.

- Have some compassion. This girl is going into her teen years, that alone is enough to make her difficult. The fact that her dad just remarried, somebody who obviously does not want her around, and that she is possibly being fed a load of hate by her mom, just makes things even harder for her.

Same thing happened to me and unfortunately it ruined my marriage.
Try to do the best you can to keep your household happy .
My stepdaughter would get between us when we watched tv too but here's the thing she is 12 and she's just a kid.
It's not her fault.....it's her mom and dad's fault (mom for fueling jealousy and her dad for not correcting her.
Be careful though......dad will choose daughter and rightfully so.
Be kind and loving when dealing w/her. Remember most of this isn't her fault it is the fault of her parents.
Correct nicely when needed.
If she sits btwn you, I say ignore it.
It makes you look better in the eyes of her father.
She is just a kid w/no real guidance so you being the adult will have to adjust. I knew that but didn't entirely listen to myself and now I am getting divorced.
The kids turn into self righteous kids when they don't have guidance.
I tried my best but it was a losing battle when you have her mom (who's always been jealous of me)in her ear.
So try to work on things w/hubby and stepdaughter while you can.
I used to play w/my stepdaughter when she was little 4 and when she got older I would take her for "special days" to the mall and to movies.
Don't make the same mistake I did. Try harder and more if you want your family to stay together. I did my best but could have done better.
Now I am w/o my son half the time. Sad.
Don't give the ex power and you do that by creating a loving rlshp w/your hubby.
Good luck and hang in there. Feel free to email me privately if you want more advice. Good luck

I am confused about the room. Is it her room or your son's room? Or do they share (which with the age and gender difference they shouldn't be now that she is a preteen)? If she has a room to herself, maybe you could fix it up a bit to make it more "homey" for her.

As for her not wanting your son around, it is normal. Even if they were biological siblings, you would have some of these issues. She is probably jealous that you and your son have her dad all the time and wants some one on one time with him. Can he take her to the movies or have some father daughter time at home (without you and your son)? Then maybe you could have some one on one with her (and let your hubby do the same with your son)? Reassure her...it will help.

Explain to her that while you want her to enjoy her time with you, it is not all about buying and doing but spending time together. Find some free activities and spend quality time with her.

Correct her tone or attitude any time it is needed but do so in a loving way.

It sounds like she really wants to belong to the family, I.E. Own room or a place to call her own.

You guys have just blended families and THAT IS ROUGH not only for the adults but also for the kids. We have a blended family and we still battle every so often. It does get better and I was told it takes about 5 yr to really get into the swing of things.

It also sounds like her following you around she really wants to bond with you. Maybe her mom neglects her. I speak from experience in my blended family. (whole nother story)

I would come up with boundries and rules with your hubby and then sit the kids down and explainthem with the consequences if they are broken.

I would also tell her what your boundries are.

AND DONT LET HER COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUBBY!!!!!!! DONT EVER TELL YOUR HUBBY THAT. Kids do that, even bio ones. They play the other parent and that becomes a no win situation... You have to be a united front with your hubby and vow that noone, not even the kids will come between you!!! Otherwise you might as well walk away now. Why waiste your time.

I would look into what your state's law is about child support... If you are married is is JUST his income that child support is figured out from OR since you are marrie is it the income from both of you. I believe in most states it is JUST the one parent's income who is actaully the parent where the child support is figured from. This takes away all this other money issue, because it is figure out by the state.

It sounds like your stepdaughter is being pressured or "brain washed" by her mother to figure out how to get more money from you guys just so she can have more. Now granted she has a right to child support but maybe going through the court for that will help with that frustration so both know this is it.

Do not give info on what you spend, say that you as a family do not focus on how much is spent on each other but more of the time and love you have for each other. As nicely as possible divert the converstation to another topic.

As for a room, do you have an extra room or guest room? If so let her know that the next time she is down that you can make the room a little more her style with a new comforter, lamp, whatever you decide on... and then set a budget say we $50 or whatever you & husband decide to put towards making the room more your style but that is it.

Also sounds like you can start teaching her about bills, spending, saving and such so she can start making better choices and maybe no fall into her mother's trap so often. Use exmaples, I would not do exactly what you pay/spend, just in general numbers.

Lastly, this is your husband's daughter and any issues with her or the ex needs to be direct to and delt with by your husband. You two as husband and wife can talk privatly on the matter to make sure you are on the same page but always have him handle situations dealing with the ex and daughter.

I am at a loss at to why you would be "expected" to provide cable tv, plasma tv, xbox console and such. What are the differences in PR verses the US? If you can't do it, you can't do it. I think hubby does need to rethink using the home as a business and let his daughter have the room. Can he get a booth in a shop and do his artwork there? I wouldn't want them coming to my home at odd times of the day or night.

Keep the faith and keep your family together. Don't threaten hubby with the come between us thing or it will happen. Do show a united front in front of her. When she asks about how much money you are going to spend it is none of her business and change the subject matter. Good luck to you all in this adjustment of family blending. Love on her and make her a part of the family who knows she may want to come and live with you guys full time. So be prepared for that one. Also boundaries need to be made and understood.

The other S.

I was once the 11 year old that went to my father's every other weekend and had to figure out how to deal with the stepmother. No offense, but you sound so much like her. When I went to their house, I felt alone, sad, unsure of myself or my role in the home, and just basically that my stepmother didn't like me. I didn't know what to do with myself. While I got along with my stepmother, I could tell she didn't like me. I had an older stepbrother, but there was a 5 year difference in age, and I didn't blame him for wanting to hang around with his friends and not me. I know he probably couldn't stand me always following him around. I just didn't know what else to do or how to act, which explains why she probably follows you around.
You post mentioned she asks you whether a room has been fixed up at "my" house- Why is it "my" instead of "our"? Why haven't you fixed up a room? She is part of your family now, and you should accommodate that.
My stepmother was always resentful of me, but all I wanted was my father's attention. She probably wants his affection also, and that's why she inserts herself. This is also probably why your stepdaughter seems manipulative to you. You didn't say whether or not she gets to spend alone time with her dad. If not, she does deserve that.
Finally, you say you will not get in the way of him and her, and that it will ruin your relationship. Sounds like you have a bit of manipulation going on there yourself. I hope you can open yourself, and try to put yourself in her shoes. Just know that if you feel angry and resentment towards a child, then the problem is usually you.

There's always alot of emotions going on in kids of divorce. Get the family into counseling now before somehting bad happens. She is right on the brink of adolecense. You cannot do this without professional help.

You don't have to spend any money, that you don't want to. You need to have another very frank talk with your husband. Tell him, that you will not allow the daughter, to come between you two. If you are sitting on the couch, you will kindly tell her, you are sitting next to him and enjoying his company. If she disrespects you there will consequences. Tell him, that he needs to back you up with this. If he doesn't comply, that's what will be bad for your marriage. As far as your son, he's 5 and she's 11. Of course, she think he's a kid and doesn't want to play with him. She is verging on being a teenager. Her behavior towards him sounds pretty typical, really. She needs a room, or space of her own. She needs privacy. If you give her that, it could imporove realtions a bit.

And...not sound judgmental...but I would REALLY rethink your husband's chosen job. Having random people, that you know nothing about, coming into your home...can put you in high risk situations. You have a child in that home, and at times another young girl. You don't know, if these people are sex offenders, burglarize homes, are drug addicts, or violent. It has nothing to do with tattoos, I have a few myself. It has to do with random people entering your home. You really need to think about the risk your child and home are at, for potential harm. We control so little when it comes to our Children's safety in the world. This is something you can control.

truthfully I feel sorry for her She only has a Dad part time, a dad who won't bother to fix up a room for her, just a APPROPRIATE bed room like a 12 year old should have, not an entertainment room! Expecting her to share a room with a five year old boy is just mean of her father. Her dad is a full time to Dad to a little boy(but not her) and a husband to his new wife(but not her Mom) she would be very abnormal if she wasn't very jealous. Your husband needs to pony up and be a better Dad, give her lots of attention when she visits so she learns that attention from Dad is even better than material things from Dad She has learned it's easier to get material things from Dad than to share his life.

New year is a great time to set some new behaviors and rules. Tell her in advance and even post the new things. Its your house and your rules and you have a right to be respected in your own house. Tell her that you are tired of feeling like a cook, maid and just to buy things. Set time just for her and dad, then have familly time when ALL family is involved. Also, time when its just the girls.

Been there, done that. YokaReeder.com saved my sanity. Check her out the woman is brilliant.

I'd say "in our house this is how we do this......"

Do your best to never say anything about her mother.

From her point of view I think this must be scary- a new step mom, step brother- where does she fit? You said she stays in his room- does she not have a space to call her own? See what you can do about that. Perhaps she is just trying to find if she is part of her dad's family since he remarried.

Also I found it very helpful to teach the girls how to do something for which they could be responsible while they were with us- "oh good we'll have biscuits since she is here and makes the best" for example- think of something you have the patience to teach her.

It is not a losing battle- it did test my ability to parent, and all the stuff that goes with step parenting- but I think that it gave me a chance to grow in ways I had not expected. So smile that you have that chance!!!!
my very best, k

Hi! Well I am no expert but I did have my parents spit when I was 13. What it seems to me is 1) your step daughter is being manipulated by her mother. 2) She is jealous of you and your son because you are always with her Daddy.
I was never allowed to behave badly to my step mother. I was brought up that your respect your elders. My mother, even though she was not happy with my dad or his new wife, would never speak badly to me or my brother about them. Your husband needs to speak with his ex and let her know how their daughter is behaving and help him to get it to stop. Even though she is his daughter and part of the family she is still a guest in your home (with more flexibly than most guests should have). It is not fair to you, your son or your husband to have tension when the step daughter is around. It should be a fun and enjoyable family time. She needs to know she is part of the family and with that comes rewards and consequences. Not every child get's everything they want, just because. She should earn things, such as with good grades. She also needs to know there are consequences for inappropriate behavior, such as speak inappropriately to you or your son.

It will all take time since it sounds pretty new. Don't worry about your relationship with your husband. If it just does not work by trying it yourselves, then maybe family counseling would help.

All the best!