19 Y/0 Needs to Grow Up, Need Moms Backing

Army or Navy.
At 19 yrs old, this kid needs to go.
He's not going to grow up until he's out on his own working without a parental safety net.
His successes and failures will be his alone.
Make up a budget and stick to it.
Only give wife what she needs to pay for essentials and if she blows it on something else - bummer Dude-ette.
Stop paying for everything for son.
If the loans are in his name, it's his problem and the repo man and him will be on a first name basis before you know it.
If the loans are not in his name, sell the items and get rid of the debt.
Save a little of your own pay check up and go on a fishing trip without the family for a week.
These ingrates you have for a family need to learn to appreciate you.
They are treating you like a walking talking wallet.
You deserve more a lot more regard than they are giving you.

One of my neighbors is going through this as well. Their son has broken into the house (he lives there but is not allowed in if no one else is home), stolen from them, wrecked a couple cars and gotten multiple tickets. He also starts physical fights with dad and disrespects stepmom. His real mother had enough of him when he was 16 and sent him to live with dad. He just turned 20 this month. He constantly asks for handouts from them eventhough he treats them lousy.

I will tell you the same thing I told them. My step brother was the same way. He was into drugs. He would fight with my stepdad and my mom. The problem was that my stepdad would always help him out when he needed it. Eventually my step brother got arrested. When he called to have my parents bail him out, my stepdad was torn. My mom gave him the ultimatum. "Help him and I leave". He chose to not help this time.

Flash forward to 3 years later. After not speaking to him (but getting reports of how he was by the other stepbrother) he calls my parents. This time to tell them that he has stopped doing drugs. He got his forklift license, he is in a stable relationship, and oh yeah, he's buying a house. He actually thanked, yes THANKED, my stepdad for not bailing him out. He said that he actually had to hit rock bottom and get back up on his own. To this day he admits that if he had been helped, he would NEVER have learned.

You have to understand that the choice is hard. Your wife may or may not accept your decision. I would honestly have her read some of the responses you have gotten so that she feels less like you are being the bad guy. Open communication is going to be key between you and her. Your household will be much more peaceful and your son will respect you, eventually, at first he will probably be bitter...but that's what makes this so hard. I truly wish you good luck.

I think what is very hard for most moms is that they know their child is a good kid and just making some really bad choices. It breaks their heart to even imagine what could happen to them out there on the streets, learning life the hard way. Emotions tend to override logic. However, some kids WILL NOT learn unless they go through those hard knocks of consequences to the choices they have made. That is a reality and there is no way around it. Your son has never fully understood how much you do for him.

Also, try and have a conversation with him when you're not angry and he's not riled up or on something. Find out what is going on in his mind, but in a genuine caring way (not what the heck are you thinking kind of way). FYI: My husband works non-stop and travels non-stop. This has had a huge effect on my boys. My oldest son had severe behavioral problems when he was younger and a lot of anger toward my husband. He felt like he never cared because he was never home, and when he was, he was on his phone a lot with work. I have had to be the one to remind them that he loves them and cares for them and that they wouldn't have what they do today without all his hard work. My husband loves and cares for his family, but his time is devoted to work. Sometimes kids' vision gets so clouded with the fact that dad isn't there, that they fail to see all that dad does. I'm just telling you this because I have had to work at getting my oldest son to have respect for his dad. This may not have anything to do with what is going on with your son, but I thought I would throw it out there just in case. My son always felt justified in not having to listen to a word his dad said because he was never around (according to my son). Not all kids react this way (I have 6), but kids all look at life differently and handle things differently. Your son's perceptions may be way off, but he makes decisions based on those perceptions (whatever they may be). I'm not saying his actions have anything to do with you. He dropped out of school so maybe his issues started with school. I just shared with you so you would be armed with another perspective on possibly why your son shows no respect. Employ tough love (let him live with his consequences), but lay out the rules straight forward without anger. He won't think you care so you will need to remind him that you do care and that you are not helping him become a man by taking his consequences for him.

Good luck. My heart goes out to both you and your wife. It is a very hard situation. You know your good kid is in there somewhere just buried under all the mess that he got himself into.

Wow, you are in a horrible position! My advice is to sit down with your wife and lay it all out for her. Tell her you will not work 80 hours a week anymore to be paying for your son to go screw up his life. Tell her she is enabling him to become an unproductive citizen and if she wants her son to become a real man, she needs to back you and support you. you are the leader of this family and your son needs to respect you. Next tell him what your rules are and what will happen if he breaks them. Then follow through. If you smell weed, call the police. Stop paying insurance for him. Cut off money sources for your wife to give your son money. You need to be united instead of you being the bad guy--she needs to get her head out of the clouds and help you! there is no reason you need to work that many hours-not good for you or your famly. She needs to contribute more and help you teach your son right from wrong. Good luck!

M

Things sound really miserable...for you, for the mom, but also for your son. Yeah, he may act disrespectful and ungrateful and cuss a lot. Guess what truly unhappy people do? Act disrespectful, ungrateful and cuss a lot. They also throw things in anger.

Solution? You will like the first part...stop paying for things and let them get repossessed. Ask his mother to stop as well and if she won't, well, you can't control that. What you can ask for is for her to sit down with you and agree to a budget for how much money she promises she will not go over. Will this work, probably not. But it's worth a shot.

Second part...you might not like this at first and your son will act like he really hates this at first, but hear me out. Spend some time with him someplace other than home and where you are both forced to interact. Fishing? Sporting events? Arcade? Most boys like to shoot pool...even if it's just bumper pool.

It sounds like you work tooo much. If you can afford it, inform your son that you'll be paying for things with your time and with him. You won't work overtime to pay for his bills, but you'll spend time getting to know the good side of him you really really really know exists and miss seeing, and he'll get to see the good side of you he really really really knows exists and probably misses seeing your good side.

Financially, he'll not be happy. But he's not happy anyways. What will make him happy has less to do with money and more to do with forming a genuine, caring and supportive relationship with his pops. If you don't believe me, okay. It's not my problem. But it is your problem right now and your sons and your wifes and giving money isn't working. Giving money is way easier than investing time. Try building your relationship. It's difficult to disrespect someone who respects you enough to care enough to want a new kind of positive relationship. It's difficult to cuss a lot when you are happy, and it's difficult to take advantage of parents when you believe they genuinely care about your well-being.

These are just my thoughts...take them or leave them.

The bar for this kid sound very low, and I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like it's because mom won't back you up.

Even if mom DID back you up... what then? Doesn't sound like you've ever followed through on any reasonable limit setting or consequences for your son.

You're going to have to demonstrate some respect for yourself and set some reasonable boundaries. That has nothing to do with your wife. If she wants to let your son use her, that's her business, but it's not her fault that you are doing the same.

Well it sounds like you a hve a lot on your plate for sure. If I can be frank, I would say you are the one that needs changing, Dad. I can only imagine how frustrating and hurtful it is that your son's mom is not supportive and "babies" him but honestly, you are telling him that it's okay for him to treat you this way. If his car breaks down, you pay for it. If he takes your TV, you let him. Mom isn't going to change, especially just because you want her to. Whether or not your feelings are justified aren't really the issue. Control what you can control and that's you and how you react. YOu are the dad and you're in charge, decide what you are willing/want to do and stick to it. Clue your son in and follow through. If you stay consistent and he needs money, maybe he'll keep a job! Let him search for it, let him work for it, he needs to be in control of his life. You aren't giving him a chance to take responsibility for anything. I know it's tough and I certainly don't envy your position. You are doing all you can for you son and I respect that, but try to stay strong!

She needs to understand that if she wants her son to grow up to become a responsible man, who will one day treat his wife and children with love and respect, then he needs to be dealt some tough love. He needs to stop being enabled... that means, he pays his own bills, he stops the drugs, he gets and holds down a job or go to college.

You, nor her should be paying for his car, motorcycle, drugs, food... in fact, he is old enough to be paying rent and help paying for utilities and groceries, as well as his own car/motorcycle insurance. If he wants his own tv/clothes/electronics... they need to come out of his paycheck.

Also, I really love Ally J's advice. Your family needs a makeover. Recuce the tension form the anger and frustration, and start being a family again. Show your son positive reinforcement and respect. let him know that you know he is capable of doing well and succeeding in life, he just needs to get motivated. Do things together as a family, eat dinners at the table together, make dinner together and clean up together, go out to the movies, golfing, work on the cars together... really strengthen that family bond oyu have there.

Dr. Phil has a couple of really good episodes on adult kids continuing to be lazy and mooch off their parents... you and your wife should watch them together and look over his articles I linked that can give you some sound and expert advice.

http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/405/
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/29

here is some of his advice on it too:

stop spoiling your kids:
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/94

how to get your adult children living on their own:
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/138

are you buying affection?:
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/47

give him a hug and a kiss, tell him you love him, and kick him out of the house. He needs to learn for himself what life is like and learn how to deal with it like a big boy.
My parents did the same thing with my sister when she was 20, she was doing drugs and drinking and partying till who knows when or where. My parents had enough of it and she was gone.
shortly after she moved out her over all disposition was a lot happier. she was nicer to me on the phone. She started going to church every week, making good friends (she also moved out of the state away from her bad friends) she got a job, learned to be responsible. now she has two jobs and is saving up to go on a trip! she has a steady boyfriend who is a good church going man and very kind a respectful. her life has been better and she was glad that she didnt live at home anymore.
people need to grow up, and they cant do it if they are somewhere people treat them like babies.

on another note, you work way too much!
to be a good dad you have to be a dad. be there for him and actually be an example of how a dad is supposed to be, not just a hard worker. there are plenty of drug dealers hard at work, you know.
stop working so much and drop some of the materialistic wants of you and your family! stuff isnt important, people are. show your son that.

Hello, Sorry, but I would probably kick him out. He is not only disrespectful, but he is using drugs in your home. That is illegal. Your wife is helping him to break the law and endanger your whole household. Maybe she could go with him and see how long that lasts.
Good luck.
K. K.