2 Year Old Refuses to Let Me Know When He's Done Eating..

He's done when you decide he's done.
Why are you waiting for a sign?
Take charge Mama!

Additional:
If you tell someone not to think of a pink elephant - all they will do is think of a pink elephant.
Same thing with toddlers.
Tell them NOT to do something - they all want to do it - they can't think of anything else.

It's better to tell them what they CAN do.
You redirect them to a more desirable activity.
It takes a little practice but once you've got this down things might be a little easier.
The terrible twos (and threes) are just tough on everyone - so you have to expect things will not always sail smoothly.
Roll with it as best you can!

Why does he need to tell you when he's done, can't you tell? I mean when he stops eating he is done. Wipe his face and hands and let him go play. It's not hard to figure out.

I'm kind of confused. So, he sounds like he has communication problems - have you had that evaluated? But you're saying he makes a face or gets upset if you ask - isn't that face an indication that he's done? Isn't his frowning his way of letting you know? We taught our kids sign language to show us they were all done - he is too old not to have any form of communication. Without at least signs or a few words, then of course he's going to get upset when you ask a question he can't answer. Once you sense he's done, take the food, take him out of the chair, and in a nice cheerful voice announce that dinner is all done and wave your hands, palm forward, to show "all done." Be consistent, be positive, be happy, but have a firm limit - 20 minutes is plenty of time. With consistency, you'll give him tools to communicate and routine to set expectations. But just letting him sit there gives him an unspecified time frame and no way to communicate - it's just all confusing.

But more than anything - you're describing some significant communication issues that will lead to behavioral issues. I would be checking with the pediatrician.

If you really want him to tell you he's done, say to him, "Are you done? If you're done say, "done!" and Mommy will get you down." Use any word you want, done, out (meaning he wants out of his high chair), down (meaning he wants to get down), whatever ...

My youngest was a late talker, so we showed him the sign for 'all done." It's waving both hands at the same time. we showed him and said "all done," so I would say, "Joey, are you all done?" as I was waving my hands. He caught on very fast.

Honestly, though, this is not the hill to die on. If you know he's done (and you clearly know when he's done), just let the poor child down. He's 2. If you really fight him on this, you're just causing more struggles down the road. If he's in a decent mood, sure, have him say it. But if he's in a grouchy mood, let it go.

ETA - I just read your SWH, and I think you are going to find things much more tolerable if you consider a different approach.

You said that you come back and try to explain to him that what he was doing wasn't nice. I would let that go. He's only 2. For now, if he's throwing balls in the house, try, "We only throw balls outside. Let's go outside and throw the ball." If going outside is not an option, change it to, "Let's play with blocks instead."

Give him something he CAN do instead of only telling him what he CAN'T do. Also, don't take it so personally. 2 year olds throw fits when they don't get what they want. If you get upset, he's getting attention from you. Don't give him attention (positive or negative). Tell him, "Mommy will talk to you again when you calm down," and then remove yourself from the situation. Turn around, go to a different room, occupy yourself in some way. When he calms down, go to him and say, "Let's go outside!" (or whatever activity you want to do next.)

If he's upset that he wanted a cookie, empathize with him. "You really wanted that cookie, didn't you? Cookies are so yummy, and you really wanted one. Maybe we can have a cookie after lunch? Does that sound good? Hey, let's read a book before lunch. That sound really nice," and then get him interested in the book.

"He always wants his way..and if I don't give it to him he acts out." That's true. Sometimes, there's no distracting them. They just want their way, and that's normal. Your job is to help him deal with life's disappointments. Give him the tools to learn that sometimes we don't get our way, but it's going to be ok. He's too young to talk about these things, so you have to show him.

After reading this and your other posts, I'd like to point out that your son isn't even 2. You seem to have very unrealistic expectations combined with lack of parenting knowledge. This is leading to inconsistency in your parenting approach.

Parenting classes would be an excellent idea for you and your husband. This would be a great way to teach you both skills, reasonable expectations, and some guidelines of when to have professional interventions (for example if a delay is noted).

In the meantime, maybe stop expecting your son to tell you when he is done eating while trying to potty train him when he is moody and accept the fact that he is a 23 month old boy who sounds pretty typical.

ETA: You can't approach these issues individually. He's not behaving this way because it's how your husband behaves, although it would be helpful if your husband modeled better behavior. He's behaving this way because he's 2 and he has a need to control things. The more you give him choices throughout the day (do you want the red or blue shirt) the less he'll act out. He chooses not to eat? Then when he's hungry later you just say 'it's too bad that you chose to not eat.'

I'm still not sure of his language skills, but even assuming he can say more than the two words you mention, i wouldn't discount the speech evaluation idea. Part of speech is using words to communicate our feelings, even if we're upset. A speech therapist may be able to help him with that.

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I'd encourage you reread some of the responses to your previous posts. We mentioned to you that, like most kids, he's trying to have some control in his life. This is one of those things he can control. Do what we suggested then-- tell him he has 10 minutes to finish eating, and then he won't have a chance to eat again until snack time or whatever the next meal is. Get an egg timer and explain it to him. And then take the plate away.

It sounds like there's another issue. If he's 2, he should be communicating verbally with you, not hitting his tray or making noises. Have you had a speech and hearing evaluation done. If he can't communicate with you, he's going to be extremely frustrated and he'll either withdraw or turn to tantrums and crying to express his thoughts.

Please consider watching Amy Mccready's free positive parenting webinar. Just this 30 minute webinar will really help you understand why your son is behaving the way he is.

i'll repeat my suggestions after reading your last post.

you seem to have no idea what a child should be doing at a given age. you need to let go of your strangely unrealistic expectations and educate yourself on how kids grow and progress.

google isn't education. take some parenting classes. get some good books. make your child a priority.
khairete
S.

Your son is not a small adult. He's a 2 year old. You really need to read about child development and so does your husband. You both seem clueless and unrealistic in your expectations of a 2 year old. Two year old HAVE FITS. That's why they call it "the terrible two's". Leaving him at the table awhile after eating is ignorant. So is expecting a 2 year old to stop having a fit because you tell him it's not nice. This isn't how you handle a 2 year old.

You need to ask your pediatrician to find your son a speech therapist to evaluate him. If you don't, then you are being remiss. You seem to think that just because your husband "shuts down" that this is why your son does. There are certain communication benchmarks that should be met based on how old your child is, and you don't know where he stands. A speech therapist will tell you. Early intervention is CRITICAL if you want your child to be able to learn and grow like other kids and be school ready. Get him evaluated and learn how to handle a child this age.

I've read all of your questions, and I think they have a similar theme:
1) You are frustrated.
2) You seem to think your child has abilities but "refuses" to use them, rather than see him as very young and not yet 2 years old, with limited language skills. For example, he can say "Dada" so you think he can also say, "Mommy, I am done eating now."
3) You and your husband are not on the same page at all.
4) You don't know how to handle a tantrum - you see "acting out" when what you have is a child without verbal skills to express frustration.
5) You are not familiar with the range of "normal" skills in toddlers or the timetables for various developmental milestones (potty training, sleep, complex spoken language, being able to identify his own emotions/frustrations, and much more).

Please contact your pediatrician today and find out about some local resources for developing parenting skills and finding support. You and your husband need to get into some classes to learn everything from first aid and CPR to how to handle simple tasks and very basic redirection (precursor to discipline). You both have a "just leave the child there" attitude when things get tough, and zero confidence about your role as parents to guide and nurture a child. It's not about being the "fun parent" or "being nice" - in fact, you seem to think that telling a child of this age that something is "not nice" will mean something to him. Please take a series of classes as recommended by your pediatrician, or get some counseling from someone skilled with early childhood development. Please also join a "Mommy and Me" type group (Daddy too) to get ongoing support from other parents whom you can watch as they manage their children in a more realistic and positive way.

I know - all of us do - that children don't come with an operating manual. And kids are different from each other and at different stages in their growth. You have to learn how to communicate with him and how to gradually teach expectations. Your child is very young, but he also is getting totally mixed messages from you and your husband and he wouldn't know how to handle that even if they were age-appropriate.

ETA:
You have an older child so you must have some experience with dealing with this phase? The part that is not 'typical' (toddler behavior) is what I suggest you get evaluated.
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Have his ears/hearing checked.

Even if the hearing test comes back fine, if he had colds this past winter, kids speech can regress by months (you mentioned that in a previous question).

Imagine being in the terrible twos, and your speech went back, and these adults don't understand you - how frustrated you'd be. That was my kid.

You don't need the help mom - your son does. He should be able to do more than slap his tray now.

Mention it to his pediatrician and ask to see ENT. Even if the hearing test comes back fine (ours did) speech can be delayed by months if he's had colds, etc. for a while. You have to work on it - be like a a speech therapist - to catch him up. Say "All done!" and then take tray away from him.

Or do sign language like Gidget suggests. That's what our daycare did. Our son learned that and we used that till he picked up words.

Our son needed tubes. If kids aren't talking at least in some simple words by your son's age - it's time to have them evaluated by ENT. Otherwise they get frustrated.

I think this goes beyond terrible twos. When kids go quiet, generally it's because they are quiet (can't hear).

Is your 2 year old talking at all? Based on this and your previous post, I'm not sure. The typical milestone for 2 years old is to have 50-75 words. If he is almost 2, and can't communicate yes, no, all done, up, milk, ball, mama, dada, and other common toddler words, I suggest that you have him evaluated by Early Intervention. The evaluation is free, and if he qualifies for speech therapy or other services, that would also be free.

If NC is your real location, here is the website to get more info and call to schedule an evaluation: http://www.beearly.nc.gov/ Call today, because it can sometimes take a month or more to get in for an appointment.

In the meantime, do you sit and have meals with him? From your post, it almost sounds like you are putting him in his high chair to eat while you go do something else and wait for him to tell you he's done. This isn't right. As much as possible, you should be eating meals together - breakfast and lunch for you and him (and daughter if she is home), and dinner the entire family. Put him in his chair when you sit down, everyone eat, and when everyone is done (including him, just pay attention to when he stops eating), then everyone can leave the table, including him. This is how he will learn social cues - by watching the rest of the family model them.

Good luck.

ETA: 2 words is not anywhere close to 50. Time to call Early Intervention.

Hi Mami,

Someone gave you some feedback for using sign language - that's always a wonderful thing for a child to know. It lowers their frustration level, and it's universal.

Then, I'm also sensing that there might be 2 languages spoken in your home? If this is the case, your son will be a little behind on speaking and that also might be the reason for his frustration. He might not know how to put things together verbally. A speech therapist will be able to confirm this.

And - if there are two different cultures in the home, parenting ideas will be different. You received a couple good ideas - one was to tell him he's done, wash him up and send him out to play. This is great advice.

My youngest daughter was born in Japan and was with a Japanese sitter all day where she heard Japanese. Then she was at home hearing English. She didn't really speak in sentences until she was 3. She was not delayed at all other than in her speech, and she has more than made up for that throughout her life.

Don't let anyone intimidate you and tell you you're a horrible parent. You're doing just fine, and your son will figure it out. Thank you for reaching out, and good luck!!

Please visit your library, half price books or other discount book store and get "What to Expect, the toddler years".

You need to educate yourself on the developmental stages of your child.

Also look up baby sign language - there are some very useful signs - but YOU have to use them in order for your child to learn them.

https://www.amazon.com/Expect-Toddler-Years-Arlene-Eisenb...