3 Year Old Biting Instead of Talking

Updated on December 21, 2008
K.K. asks from Morgantown, PA
7 answers

My 3 year old daughter is occasionally biting her 5 year old brother when she is frustrated with him instead of using her words. She had been getting speech therapy when she was 2 but did so well that she did not qualify with the BCIU when she turned 3. I occasionally think she may have needed a little more therapy but for the most part I am in agreement with the evaluation. My concern is this. She seems to have trouble coming up with words to use when she is frustrated with him and turns to biting to get him away. Which then turns into him biting her back. To date I am only aware of her biting her brother and not other kids, and to the best of my knowledge this has only happened at home. She is in preschool 2 days a week. The other night she got her truck stuck on a chair and got really frustrated and then bit the chair. This is what makes me think it's a frustration thing and not a bully thing. She occasionally has pushed another child at playdates when she wants to be left alone. When I see this happen(biting and pushing) I first try to get her to use her words and give her a time out. I'm a bit concerned and of course embarrassed by this behavior but even the pushing is not a hard push but more of a "warning shove". While the pushing is a concern as well as the biting, my gut instinct really is that she can't come up with the words to express herself. Of course this happens more often when she is tired. Has anyone gone through this and what did you do to correct the behavior. How to you get your child to "use their words".

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

HI K.,
Can you encourage her to use her words for other things and situations like a drink, snack, bath, toys etc? Also, have you thought about teaching her some basic sign language for common emotions so she could try to express herself that way?
I think you are doing a good thing by giving a time out in those situations. It will allow her to calm down and think about what she has done. You might want to tell her before she is in the time out that "it's OK to feel angry or frustrated but it's not OK to bite/push/shove." Can she apologize after the time out is over? Encourage her to say "I'm sorry for biting" at the end of her 3 minutes. I would also encourage her to apologize to her brother as well.
Good luck! Hope this helps

1 mom found this helpful

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

You need to detach the biting form the words thing in your mind. No matter what the cause, biting should absolutely not allowed. Making it about frustration and words-even if it's true-is only making an excuse for it in her mind. You need to address the biting alone by itself with a strict firm consequence every time it happens. She knows right and wrong and she knows biting is not OK if you teach her. Same with pushing. Biting is often out of frustration and anger even if it's by kids with no speech issues. Treating her as if she's somehow learning disabled when it comes to basic discipline will only short change her in the long run. Let her know she's a smart big girl, and totally accountable.

Address the words and her speech development separately and positively. Don't give a speech lesson every time she bites, or it becomes about attention. Do the speech part when things are going smoothly. Keep things separate and simple. Everyone develops at different speeds, it sounds like she is doing a fantastic job progressing. Don't hold her up by blurring her discipline boundaries. Good luck.

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B.I.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hi, I teach children 3+ martial arts. We do a drill with them that teaches them what to say and how to attract the attention of an adult, if needed, without hurting the other child. Practicing it with them to make it a habit is what makes it work in any situation because muscle memory kicks in when they get frustrated. Then practice it some more...

Have her raise both hands with open palms towards the frustration (person or furniture) and say "Stop! Leave me alone!"..the little ones love to yell it and it helps them to learn the words in a fun way.

Good luck,
B.

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C.C.

answers from Johnstown on

I think you really need to be a bit more firm. I understand that it may be a frustration thing and you feel badly, but her actions are unacceptable and as you said her big brother is biting back. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable and put her in her time out. After her time out then you can discuss with her or question her or what have you.

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J.K.

answers from Harrisburg on

This is normal for a child with a speech problem to get frustrated and bite. My oldest has Aprexia (now 9 years old) and my intervention team would tell me that it was very normal for this to happen. If you daughter can do some signs or maybe an emotion chart with smiley faces for when she is getting upset to avoid biting? The best person to ask is her speech person and perhaps a OT consult for an adaptive chart to be used untill her speech devoleps more :)

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C.H.

answers from Allentown on

ask for another evaluation from the school district and also get outside place like good shepherd for therapy.

S.Y.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I agree with Denise P...I think teaching some signs is an excellent idea...it focuses on prevention, rather than the "strict firm consequence" (translation= spanking, slapping hands, biting back, etc)that is so often prescribed by certain members here. I like Signing Time dvds (www.signingtimes.com). They are award winning videos that teach signing in a positive, easy, and entertaining way. Perhaps get her brother to watch too...this could make a game out of them communicating together, and perhaps it will deflate escalating situations.
I am also going to recommend (like I always do) a book called "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber. In the meantime, while you are working on the signing I would definately come up with consequences (the book will help with this), however they should be firm but not physical (I laugh when Moms give advice to hit your child to stop them from hitting others). I know you don't do this. A book called "Positive Discipline" (Jane Nelsen...it's a series, I think) also helps to learn about children's thought processes at certain ages and helps to understand them developmentaly. I am reading, "Positive Discipline" right now, and it is fantastic!!! Good luck!

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