4 Year Old with Discipline Problems

M.:
You have the right idea in mind. The parents and the teacher need to work together to solve the behavior problem. If you switch him to another teacher, he'll see that you will switch him away from any teacher that he doesn't like. Good luck.
P. S

Why would you consider switching teachers? If you know he has a behavior problem away from school why would you think the teacher wouldn't notice it too? I say the issue is with the child not the teacher. Meet with her and work with her and come up with some type of system so that his behavior is being addressed at home and at school similarily.

Ask the teacher to seat him closer to her during the day and move him away from the student that is messing with him. Go into work late one day. Make a surprise visit. Before you enter the class observe the class from the window. Sit in for a couple of hours if you can. He's so young and boys tend to push the envelope a little more girls. Between you and the teacher come up with a reward system for him. You can implement yours and home and the teacher can do the same thing in the class. Make the teacher your ally not your enemy. Good luck!

P.
www.workathomeunited.com/income

M., first seriously find out why he has behavior problems at home. Only you and your husband can answer that. If he is getting all the love and attention you can possibly give the few hours a day you see him then that isn't it, it must be something else. Our children need so much to be able to survive in this world, and what do they get, a mom that has to work or chooses to work, and so then who is suppose to raise the child? I guess that leaves only a babysitter, teacher, grandparents, neighbors. Someone is making him feel that when he is punished or disciplined (they are different) he is hated by that person. Now back up and find out who and why.
I'm on my soapbox this morning, sorry M..
Please don't be too harsh with your child, love him so much and let him see it, feel it and know it and he will radiate confidence and security. Definitely talk to his teacher, but don't go home afterward and make him feel like dirt because he acts out for a reason he probably doesn't even know why. He's only 4 and is not an adult, but every man, woman or child understands love...unless they were abused. Yes, he needs to be "lovingly" disciplined (not punished), realizing that you want him to still feel good about himself afterward, not like a worthless child, (not that you have). When I put in my comments I realize there are mothers and fathers out there that read this that are verbally or emotionally abusing their child, not just those that are wonderful parents. My suggestions are for your pondering as to where in this scale you fit. I am an advocate for children after having been a foster parent for eight years, I have seen it all and do not presume every mother who writes in is a great parent so.... You get my opinion and soap box to write off or learn from.

I wish you the best.

The conference is a good idea and you may want to let the teacher know that another child may be part of the problem and may be they shouldn't be near each other. I can say this sometimes it is the teacher, yes they aren't judge's and sometimes are human and they can make errors in judgment. I had a kindergarten teacher that upset my child so bad and I caught her yelling at him one day in class and yes she did this often he told me but I didn't believe it he said she hates me but could never tell me really why...it was the yelling I caught the teacher yelling and telling my son "you will sit by my feet everyday forever, you are never good and the class can sit and look at you" it was a horror. Needless to say I removed him from the school and he went to kindergarten the next year a different school we moved to get away from her. So my experience is don't always assume it's the child even if the child misbehaves at home a teacher is an adult and should handle the situation better. He's there to learn and she should have enough education to help him not get red marks all the time she too should be concerned about it as well....The school wouldn't let us switch teachers if you can may be it would be good but the old teacher may giver her opinion and it can mark him unless the other teacher is more adult then her. To help him one thing I used was everyday no red marks sent home he gets a marble in a jar he puts it in then at the end of the week he can get something for them (a prize) but if he gets a red mark he gets no marble....if it's not the teacher being part of the problem...maybe you should mak some surprise visits and look in see who may really be part of the problem.

I have four children, three of whom are in school. You have to know your child, and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on him at home.

I think that the problem is, when he is away from you, he knows that he can get away with more. I also know that we would all rather they misbehave at home and be model citizens outside our doors.

I rely a great deal, and put a great deal of stock in a parenting plan called "Love and Logic Parenting". It is not the way that I was raised, and so it is a bit counter-intuitive, and I have to read it often to stay with it myself, but it is fantastic. It teaches your child to reason and think, and you love them through the consequences of their own actions...but you let them deal with those consequences on their own. For example: If it is really cold outside, your five year old will learn to wear a coat. If he goes out with shorts and no coat, and freezes today (or is not allowed to go out on the playground at school--because he did not bring a coat) chances are, next time he will remember his own coat and not have to be told.

The idea is that children will be able to make good decisions when they are older and out of our sight if we have trained them to make good decisions with the small stuff.

If your child is a bully, eventually the other kids will not play with him....his behavior will have consequences that you have no control over, so you might as well not even try and change them. But you can control him. I would absolutely NOT suggest that you change teachers. It is not the teachers fault that he misbehaves. But you are in charge at your house, and I would institute HARSH consequences at home when his behavior chart displays ANY misbehavior at school. I am sure that there is some creative thing to take away from him or something that he hates to do, or hates to be without that will drive him crazy enough to do better at school. With my teenager it was television. Now, we are working on his attitude at home and school and there are rewards for changing his attitude. Time-out just drives one of my sons insane: while time-out is my daughters dream.

You might also, during this already difficult time address his diet. No overly processed foods and no white sugar. And by all means keep a schedule with bedtime and a routine around your home until this difficult time is over. And it will pass. You will feel better and so will he.

hope this helps!
C.

M.,
From a teacher's perspective, having a parent teacher conference is a wonderful idea. Hopefully the teacher will be able to give you some positive observations of your child as well as the issues at hand. I think that it would be helpful to share what you are dealing with at home and what helps your child at home. It would be a great idea to come up with several goals for your little one to work on for a few weeks...i.e. following directions the first time. Then you and the teacher can come up with a plan for helping the child with the goals and how to communicate that with you on a daily basis. Sometimes the child just needs to know that his parents and his teacher are on the same page. I have used a little contract that states the one or two goals for each day. Sometimes I even have to cut the day in half if the child is really struggling (that way the child has two chances to do well). Then the teacher can give a sticker or a star or a smiley face if the child does what he is told and if not the teacher can leave it blank. You can come up with some kind of follow through at home...i.e. extra computer time. You and the teacher should meet again after two weeks to see if things are getting better. Then you can address any other issues or continue to improve upon the ones you started with.
I don't recommend switching teachers because that gives a message to the child that if he/she isn't getting along with someone, that they can just avoid the situation and get rid of the problem. I think working with the teacher and your child is the best solution.
If you need any other suggestions, I would be happy to help. I hope that all goes well!

I would find out first what the specific problems are first and address them. Find out what the teacher is doing to discipline him at school. Back up the teacher (as long as she isn't radical) and say to your child, "Bummer you didn't behave today. How are you going to act tomorrow?" You've got to leave it up to your son to think about how he needs to behave. (www.loveandlogic.com)

The other thing would be that he isn't ready for Pre-K. There are a lot of parents in GA (if that is where you are at) that don't put their children in Pre-K because they just aren't ready at that young age of 4 for formal schooling.

Even though I homeschool, if I had put my kids in Pre-K...one of my boys probably would have gone in at 4yo and the other son would not have been ready in no way at age 4. (He just wouldn't have been mature enough.)

My husband and I are those parents that don't believe in the 'boys will be boys' statement. Boys can behave just as well as girls, but their maturity level just isn't the same at the same time for some of them. My oldest son is more mature than other kids his age including the girls his age. My 2nd son is ADHD and he is about 2 years below...maturity wise...than other kids his age.

Good luck!

M. I believe that you love your children very much and you want them to live a good and productive life. I want to say first that children learn from us the adults. For a 4 year old to say his teacher hates him. He has no precept of hate unless he has heard it from someone that is around him. We have to be careful of what we say and do because children are little computers and they pick up everything you say and do. It is obvious that he is not following direction in the class and that's why he is in time out. You need to ask yourself how well do he follow directions at home. Are you firm with him? Do you let him have his way? You need to start now by letting your yes be yes and your no's be no. Children are smarter than you think and they will use whatever means they can to get their way. But you must show them that they are the child and you are the adult. Discipline but with love. Don't discipline without first allowing them to understand why you are doing so. You must teach him the core values of life. The teachers can teach them a lot but you as a parent can teach them far better.
Good luck.

Could you take a morning off work and observe his class? That could be very useful. You may also want to involve the school's director / counselor / supervisor sooner rather than later.

I think the conference is a great idea. At times we only get one side of the story from our child:) I would also try putting consequences in place at home if he comes home with a red or yellow mark. Little discipline can be done at school, and when time out isn't working, the teachers hands are tied except for notifying you with the colored marks. If those have no meaning to him, they will not be effective in changing his behavior either. I would definitely try to find out the whole story, and work with the teacher on exactly what behaviors he is displaying at school and try to reinforce the positive behaviors at home as well so that he can get used to these expectations. I would also ask that he not be sat next to the student that he is complaining about. Maybe this will help.

I've taught pre-k for 8 years and have found a couple things that work for me. One is a reward system. When a child misbehaves parents and teachers often overdo negative consequences which make the child feel that they are bad so they act worse. Sometimes flipping it to the positive and rewarding good behavior, rather than punishing bad, helps. I had a child in my class last year who spent most of his life in trouble, at home and at school. I set up a chart where the day was divided into 5 parts, and each part had a goal (such as stop shouting out answers at circle time). He got a smiley face on his chart each time he met one of the goals. If he got a certain amount of smiley faces he got a reward that really motivated him (he got to play games on my computer after school). If he received all smiley faces I wrote a good note home to his parents. His parents also started to try to reward more than punish at home which really helped his self-esteem which was already beginning to suffer because he was always in trouble. I used the reward chart in combination with 1,2,3 Magic which is a wonderful program that can be used at home and at school (I also use it with my daughter). It takes a while to explain so I am not going to go into it but you can check out the book at the library or purchase it online. Just google 1,2,3, Magic. Also take a careful look at your child's diet. I have had students whose behavior improved tremendously after their sugar intake was limited. Many preprocessed breakfast food contain way too much sugar. Cut out the pop tarts, nutrigrain bars, and most cereal if your child eats them. You may also need to limit fruit. If your child eats breakfast at school take a good look at their menu. It is probably full of sugar. Some other suggestions are be consistent and don't threaten your child with a punishment that you won't actually follow through with. I've caught myself telling my daughter that if she didn't so something she wouldn't get to go to her grandmother's even though I didn't really want to take that away. Children learn quickly whether you mean it or not. If they see you waver one time they will think you will waver in the future. Always, always, always follow through with rewards and punishments. It's hard after a long, busy day or when you are on that fun family vacation, but absolutely necessary. If you give in once your child will expect you to fold every time. Good luck, and I hope this helped.

I guess I'm wondering if this program is a lot different from where he's been up until now. If this is his first time in any kind of structured program then maybe it's just a transition issue where he's going to have to learn there's a time and place for play. My son started to get into trouble at preschool this past year when he turned five. We did't pay that much attention at first thinking "boys will be boys" but when it became a regular thing we regretted that. We punished him at home for his behavior at school. Things like taking away priveleges or toys... and he'd have to come home with good reports to earn them back. I think things got better because he understood how very serious we were about expecting a certain level of behavior at school. The situation was a little different in that he previously had a good relationship with his teacher, so, for example, when we'd point out that he behavior was disrepectful to her, that made him think. The conference with the teacher is the best way to start. I think it might be premature to think about switching teachers until you hear her out. They can only discipline so much. Maybe she can work out a plan with you. Make sure your child understands what is expected of him at school and what the consequences are (at home and at school) when he doesn't follow.

well M. first of all, if you already know that your child has behavioral problems at home, then you can already imagine what he's doing at school. is there ANY way you could sneak up to the school and observe this behavior for yourself without him knowing? i used to be a teacher, and it always amazed parents to actually 'see' the behavior their child displayed when they were not present. i'm sure you can also imagine that if he's disruptive in a classroom setting, not only is HE NOT getting the education he so richly deserves, but the other children are not either. yes, always go to bat for your children, but don't be so quick to defend them either. i've seen a disruptive child in action in the classroom. this child is usually a bully, has a difficult time staying on task and no matter what you do or say to him, he's ALWAYS going to have HIS way. then the others usually try to stay away from him, then one day, a certain child will have had it and the others will soon take suit! there will be an uprising, and then, yes, your child is then labelled 'the classroom terror'. your child will then also be labelled by the teachers. no teacher will want this child in his/her classroom. how much help have you gotten him? has he been to therapy? has he been medicated? lots of times, when you have a child that has behavioral issues, the best thing to do is home school him... just a few suggestions...