5-Almost 6 Year Old, Throwing Tantrums

We have similar issues with our 6 year old daughter. I feel like the 2s, 3s, and 4s were a breeze, but the 5s and 6s are proving to be very challenging. I've often talked with her kindergarten teacher on techniques to help as well. One thing they do in her classroom is to use "I" sentences. "I am angry beause..." "I didn't like it when...." If your son goes to school, maybe his teacher has some good exercises in helping to encourage him to use words to express his anger? and words for you too, to let him know feeling angry is ok but giving you tools to help him get through it and move on.

It's tough and we're still struggling through it ourselves!

Good luck,
D.

Whatever is going on with him inside is being displayed on the outside. My daughter was just like him. She would throw the most awful, loud fits whenever life didn't give her what she wanted. It could be a toy that was her brother's, a dinner she didn't want to eat or just staying buckled up in a car. I tried the time out and spanking, but what finally worked with us is that I would get on eye level with her, not bending down, but squating down so I was no taller than her and telling her that I know what was going on was making her mad. Then asking her if I was right. If she said yes, I would hug her and tell her that I understood she was upset. Then I would tell her that while she felt upset it was not right to just grab whatever she wanted to, but maybe if she asked nicely her brother would share with her.

Think about it; who doesn't want control? I do, but as an adult I have learned the boundaries of what I can and cannot control. This is what we do as parents; not raise kids, but people who will become adults. You know you do not want your child behaving like this when he is 16. What will you do then? Your child will learn to respect you and your word when you show a mixture of respect, empathy and discipline. Acknowledging my children's feelings has gone a long way in establishing trust from my kids. After the acknowledgement is when I then do my teaching and instructing. Also, being consistent is very important here as you will send mixed signals and you will be very easily manipulated later if you do not maintain continuity. For example: If is is wrong to kick the wall when he doesn't get his way on one occasion, then it will be wrong on any occasion. There will be no exceptions. When the wrong behaviour occurs follow through with acknowledgement, instruction and then discipline. For example: "Son, I know you must be upset to kick the wall. We don't kick walls when we are upset about something (I always use "we". My kids don't see me do something I have asked them not to do."). Are you upset about not getting to play your video game longer (or whatever they are mad about)? (Let the child respond about what is making them angry. If they are silent proceed with the following.) I do understand that you wanted to do what you are doing, but it is time for you to go to school or you can play without being angry about not getting your way. Then you discipline in ratio to offense; also the times this has occured.

We have taught our kids that there are three rules of play in life: 1. Don't hurt yourself. 2. Don't hurt anyone else. 3. Don't hurt anything. If you break one of these rules in life you are not doing right. We have tried to let them know that we too have frustration when life does not give us what we want, but that is no reason to make things worse by getting physically angry. It is a crucial time to teach your child to control their anger. Teach them that anger and frustration are normal, but the way they show it has to be directed positively and they can always talk to you. Also, listen objectively; giving little criticism when they are admitting doing something wrong. Don'g get upset yourself when they do admit to breaking something and then hiding it or taking someone else's belongings. React by reaffirming their feelings, but then go into teaching what they did was wrong. Congratulations. You and your husband get that awsome and sometimes overwhelming task of teaching another human being to control themselves. I have always been rather shocked about someone saying, "control your children." Do they make a remote control for kids? If you ever find one let me know! I could seriously use it! I do know that I have to teach them to make a decision about their own behaviour and deal with what is happening to them in a positive manner. Have you ever stopped doing this for yourself? I haven't. This is probably one of the most important life skills we can teach our kids; to respond in a positive way when life dumps on us for some reason.

I have a 22 year old son that may be bi-polar, a 15 year year old daughter that is going on 23 if you please, and a 13 year old that is going through the I-don't-want-to-be-a-kid-but-I-don't-totally-want-to-grow-up-phase. You are not alone in this parenting thing. Just know that you are doing the right thing to be concerned. It is very upsetting to a child to feel like no one cares how they feel. You probably do, but as your child gets older they want to be shown and treated like they are a bit older and not a baby who is fed, clothed, and tended to on basically your whim; not as a person who can relate feelings on a higher level. You son sounds ready to be listened to. Your listening will open the door to a wonderful relationship that is well worth the effort in spite of all of the bumps and jarring of human behaviour.

By the way, my 15 year old that was throwing the tantrums at 2 and earlier, but was really a very sweet little girl most of the time, is now a person who knows that she can talk to me about stuff (any stuff) when she gets angry and that I won't always agree, but will be there to listen and then help her move on to better behaviour. I have been told by teachers again and again that my children are well behaved and respectful of other people. It is so nice to hear it. I just wonder what happens when they come home, fight with each other sometimes and then still don't want to clean their rooms. At least I know at some level I am getting through where it really counts.

I love to read John Rosemond (a parenting author). He says that frustration in childhood is great because it teaches kids to handle frustration. When we try to shelter them from it, they are unprepared to handle the real world as adults (notice all the 20, 30 and 40 somethings still living at home). He says our job as parents is to get them ready to leave the nest as adults.

My son started that about 5, too. I read the Love & Logic books, tried the technique- couldn't believe it worked the first time! Run to your nearest library and get it!

Hi K.,
I have a 5.5 year old girl, who is mostly a great kid too and I want to tell you that a couple of months ago she was the worst child ever. I was thinking of getting to a family counselor. She was throwing enormous tantrums over little things, digging in her heels like you wouldn't believe! Our friend that has been a pre-K teacher for many years said that kids go through a whole new round of boundary testing at the age of 5. I had a hard time believing that it could be so extreme, but now on the other side of it, it seems to have just been a phase that we had to ride out. We just stuck to our guns and laid down the boundaries. She almost missed a party that she wanted to go to because she couldn't behave. I stayed behind at home with her for 45 minutes or so, until she stopped the tantrum and began behaving like a nice child again. I was sure to remain calm the whole time and just wait for her to decide to change her behavior. This is a rough phase, for sure, but since your son is normally a great kid, it seems likely that he's just re-testing the boundaries (I also wonder if when they are growing they just feel out-of-sorts and moody) and you'll get through it just fine. Good luck.

Hi Kim,
I know that it's hard because one of my sons went through the same sort of thing. Dylan is probably feeling stressed because of the move and unsure about what it all means for him. Continue to offer him reassurance and let him know that even though you live in a different place, you still love him and can't wait to get home from work to see him and hear all about his day. I also had to learn that kid's feelings of frustration and anger can be all encompassing and at the young age of 5-6 and older, they really can't get out of the mind set easily and sometimes need some help and reassurance. After he calms down you might try, if you aren't already, giving him a big hug and telling him that you can see he's having a hard hard time and that you're there for him and still love him no matter what. I've found that reflecting back what they're feeling, using words, can help them feel understood and can give them a new tool for dealing with it, using words. Also at one period of time when my boys were having an especially hard time, I got them one of those big blowup, weighted at the bottom, boppy things for them to hit and kick when they couldn't find another way to express themselves. It helped a lot. Another idea, if you have a fenced yard, would be to set up a fun obstacle course when Dylan is feeling good and have some fun with it. Then when he's feeling out of control you could suggest to him that he could give his obstacle course a try. He may associate feeling good with it and vigorous exercise will always help with anger and frustration. Another idea is to find some picture books at the library that deal with anger and frustration. Off the top of my head, "Alexander and the No Good Very Bad Day" comes to mind. Also you might try telling him that it's OK to hit his pillows because you want to make sure he doesn't hurt himself and that you know he'll feel sad if he accidentally breaks any of his things. Have you tried getting him to draw how he was feeling after he has calmed down? Be sure to talk with him afterwards to help him label what he was feeling. That will give him a better sense of power and control over himself, which I'll bet is what he wants to feel.
I hope this helps and I want to let you know that both my boys are young adults now and both are very compassionate, empathetic and peaceful men. K. Mother of 26, 21 and 11 year old kids.

Hi K.. My 5 year old son has been having tantrums and rages for a year. I've come to understand that he has "frustration intolerance". In other words, his tolerance to frustration is not yet fully developed. It is something he has to learn and work at. I've been reading this excellent book called The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. I haven't finished the book and have not yet tried the techniques but I've learned a lot about my child and what he may be going through. It's worth reading! Good luck with your son and your new business!

Hi,
My son also had a major change in his behavior that sounds similar to what you are dealing with. We finally took him to a natropath and had his neuro-chemicals tested. They were really far off (seretonin was really low, along with a bunch of other stuff). He has started taking some amino acid and vitamin supliments designed for his situation, and he feels soooo much better already. Now I recognize my sweet little boy. Good luck. I hope your little guy feels better soon.

I'm sure he is upset by the move. This will cause extra stress. Sometimes they act out but don't know why. It's not alway misbehavior, but mistaken behavior. He may not know why he is feeling the way he is. You need to stop him where it's possible and ask him why he is angry. Try to talk it out and teach him how to use his words to communicate. If he doesn't then just walk away, he can't get attention from it if you aren't looking. Tell him you aren't mad, but you need to know what is going on with him to make him act out instead of communicating in an appropriate way. This is working well in elementary schools.

K., it seems that your family has gone through some big changes lately. I'm wondering if that's part of what's going on with Dylan. I know it's tough. The worst part for me was having other people stare or make insensitive comments while I try to calm down a kid in the throws of a tantrum. Maybe trying to be as consistent as possible and keeping with routines will help. Not always easy, huh? I'm guessing that Dylan is just telling you, in the only way he can, that he's feeling like his world is in flux. Some kids just don't handle changes well. I know mine don't. I would try to give Dylan lots of attention and love, without coddling him. Give him an idea of what to expect on a day to day basis, if you can. And give him a chance to adapt if things don't go as planned. Most importantly, know that you are not alone. We parents need to support and encourage one another. There isn't one of us who won't have to deal with a tantrum at some point.

wow, same thing going on with my 5 1/2 yr old son. Nothing has really changed in our situation but the last few months have been very stressful with his tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I understand it's about frustration but I can't take the behaviour. The other thing is he just won't listen to me or do as I say. I appreciate knowing that we're not the only ones and that this could be a normal phase at this age, our older daughter never did this. The advice from other is helpful so thanks for posing the question.

There is a series of books that really helped me understand what was going on developmentally with my kids. I just read about this in the book "Your five year old" by Louise Bates Ames. She has one for each year. The books are older, but I have read two of them and they still really ring true. Check your library. My dd is doing similar stuff. I think she is 3 again!
Good luck and I really encourage you to get the book. It is short and easy to read. It explains all about the cycles of development; your ds is experiencing disequalibrium at the moment.

This is totally normal and is an age thing. My daughter went through the same thing. I think it has a lot to do without how much responsibility we put on them. They are now capable for doing so much for themselves (at home and in school), but emotionally are having trouble dealing with it all. They are also feeling a loss because they are no longer allowed to act like a toddler/baby. We stop carrying them around, we tell them they are too big to ride in strollers and shopping carts, we don't ALWAYS hold their hands in public, they go potty all alone, they dress all alone, etc. This fit phase lasts about a year.

Try a lot less punishment (unless behavior is totally unacceptable) and praise instead. It helped my daughter to be able to regress in certain areas. She wanted to be carried sometimes, she wanted to ride in the stroller when her brother choose to get out and walk, she wanted to be dressed by us, have us wait on her a little, etc. Be careful not to let it get too out of hand, but sometimes they have just had so much going on that they need to be taken care of. More one-on-one physical attention helps too.

Try really hard to imagine it from his point of view. Imaine a day where you have tons of new responsibilities (like 14 hours straight at a new job). It is so stressful that you want to just come home and have your husband do everything while you lay on the couch and veg.

Hi K.,

My name is S.. I totally understand what you are going thru. My son just turned 8 and he started having HUGE temper trantrums when he turned 6. Nothing major changed in his life and he had no traumatic experiences. He was doing it everywhere, at anyones house (sitters, relatives, home,school) and it was a BLOW UP including screaming at the top of his lungs, hitting, kicking, throwing things. The trantrums usually lasted 20minutes then he would feel really bad, apologize and move on. I was confused, hurt and so worried. I talked to two psychiatrists and a wonderful behavioral specialist and we all together (with his teacher, too) came to the conclusion that he had ANXIETY. !!! You may want to see if that is what is happening with your child. He cant help it and punishing him will not help either of you. It will hurt him and make you feel bad. I highly suggest talking to a behaviroal specialist...they are there to help.
In my situation I opted to have my son take a small dose of medication...because I had tried everything! Not kidding...naturopath, no sugar, no wheat, no dairy, spankings, restriction, blah, blah...exhausting! For two years mind you...but in my case with my son he needed medication as anxiety runs in our family ( i am coming to find out.) And guess what? We have had NOT ONE TRANTRUM for two months now. It is amazing.
Good luck to you. I know how challenging this is to experience.

S.

K.,

This sounds totally age appropriate. My 4 1/2 year old son is doing the same things. One thing I do that seems to help is give my voice to the emotions that he is feeling. This morning I came to pick him up from the drop-off "daycare" at the YMCA that I go to, he threw a small tantrum because he wasn't ready to go yet. I looked at him and said, "I know you're upset and angry that you have to leave your friends now, but it's time to go". Then I walked over to get his shoes, handed them to him and told him to put them on while I signed him out. That was the end of it for us.

A lot of time they are feeling emotions that they don't know how to voice, or what they even are. We as parents need to help them sort out all these confusing emotions that they experience.

There is a Sesame Street episode where Baby Bear is super upset about something, and Whoopi Goldberg helps him give voice to his anger in a way that hurts nothing. She screwed up her face in an angry face, and muttered "I'm so angry, I'm so angry, I'm so angry" while shaking her fists side to side near her. Another chant was a whole bunch of nonsense with a small yell at the end. That might help your son instead of him kicking and hurting things (including himself).

Hope this helps,
Melissa