6 Year Old Problem Child

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and

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be well.

N.

I would suggest that you first let go of the notion that your job is to "control" your son. That could solve a good portion of your conflict right there.

A parent's job is to guide, teach, support, protect and nurture - not control. If you control your son, who will control him when he's not with you? No one. He will be the very definition of "out of control." You need to teach him to control himself.

It's difficult to give more advice without any specifics of the issues you two are facing. But in general, it's helpful if you take a broad, long-term approach to your relationship with your son.

If you think about it, the vast majority of your relationship with him will be spent with the two of you as adults. Begin now to treat him as the valuable, intelligent person he is, and he will grow up feeling accepted and validated, and in the process you will become his greatest friend and closest ally.

Now, this is not to say that discipline is not in order when he misbehaves. But remember that discipline means "to teach," not "to punish." When he goes astray, show him what he did wrong and how he can do better next time. And if appropriate, have him make amends.

The bottom line is that children learn what they live. If you want him to be calm and respectful than you have to be calm and respectful. You need to model the behavior you want to see in him.

No matter how young or old we are, all human beings are just looking to be loved and accepted. Show your son that you are on his side and that, as a team, you two are unbeatable and undividable.

I would also highly recommend the book "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. She is a genius at dealing with strong willed children and the book will give you concrete things that you can do/say to help you both get what you want out of any situation.

Best of luck to you and your precious son!

Hi J.:
First I need to apologize for answering your request so abruptly. I suppose,it was because your request,was rather the same. You simply asked how to control your son.The correct response,should be "Parenting" There is no quick fix,or immediate results in parenting.When you had your son,you made the decision to love, nurture,and offer guidance.This is something we mothers strive for all during their childhood until which time they are old enough to venture out on their own.If you wanted a clone of yourself,that's the direction you should have taken. If you want him to grow into a normal independent individual,then you have to give him room to grow.As human beings,we need freedom to express our feelings,experience life's ups and downs.This is how we grow,learn,become the special person God intended us to be.All of us are entitled to "make mistakes","get angry","feel sad","be happy". Don't make the mistake of depriving your son from experiencing these feelings.Stop concentrating on controlling him,and Allow him to grow.Let him know,its o k to fail sometimes,that its o k to feel angry.Tell him,that YOU aren't always right.Tell him YOUR SORRY when you aren't, so he learns HOW TO BE HUMBLE.Show him compassion,and teach him morals,so he develops into a young man with integrity. If you don't feel like making the effort,you can always go the route a lot of mothers are going these days. Go to your therapist tell him you can't handle it,and he'll put YOUR KID on MEDs! Now that's one hell of A CONCEPT Isn't it? I wish you and your growing son the best. J. M.

That's a little vague...
Give him the power of control through choices and consequences. Chores for example, he can either do A or B, if neither one, a consequence. You can't control everything and kids do better if they *think* they have the power. Follow through with whatever you say or he won't. Act nonchalantly when he fails, just be matter of fact. He didn't do blank, so now he can't blank. Simple, no yelling, no fuss. He will figure out he is in conrtol of his actions and and gear them toward his, and ulitmately yours, desired result.

You'll get a lot more/better responses if you'd go into a bit of detail. What's going on? Pure simple control over *everything* doesn't happen, flat out. Not even as an infant. (Remember all those sleepless nights?) My guess is that you're having some problems in a few simple, or key areas?

My son is 5. and has been a challenge since I was pregnant. I started seeing a therapist, just so i could learn how to deal w/ him. I thought he had some sort of mental craziness going on. Turns out he is ODD. every day is tough. I feel for you. I'd get some help-because if you don't do it now-can you imagine what it will be like when he is 16?

You didn't give any details of what is going on but if you think it is something you just aren't geting I would enroll in a parenting class. They have lots of wonderful ideas. If you feel you are doing everything right and he is just out of control you may need to get him evaluated. There may be more going on than discipline can help.
Good luck!

Hello, Rather that trying to "control" him, why not teach him to have self-control? If you set goals and limits, and stick to them, he will get the picture and follow. I have had "challenging" children who have responded to this and mutual respect as well. With my children and grandchildren (as well as children as school and in my former daycare), it was often necessary to let them choose to do the right thing or suffer the consequences. Example: "Would you like to stop hitting, or would you like to go and sit by yourself?" If they didn't choose, I would choose for them.
Good luck with your precious son.
K. K.

I highly recommend the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" and/or that you visit the website of John Rosemond. "Love and Logic" is a great parenting philosophy that focuses making choices and the consequences on the child, not on you. (The hardest part is letting your child actually DEAL with the consequences...for example, lousy behavior at home equals no birthday party).

John Rosemond, on the other hand, has a very 1950s (no spanking) parenting style, one that is very common sense and down to earth. I actually keep his "10 steps for raising a happy, healthy child" on my fridge and read it weekly.

My husband and I have successfully used both techniques with our sons.

Good luck!

As a single mom with a 6 yo, I bet you're pretty stressed out - so you're probably grumpy a lot (not your fault) - so your son probably doesn't care whether you're upset with him or happy with him, because, either way, you're grumpy. (Obviously, I'm just guessing!) If you are really sweet with him and fun and playful when he's being a good boy, and then you get grumpy and frowny when he's misbehaving, he'll be motivated to behave better. He'll want the sweet, fun mom back.

Hi J.,

The short answer is that you don't. Your son is using his behavior to communicate to you. Rather than try to stifle the behavior, you can best help your son by decoding to figure out what it is he is trying to tell you.
I have some articles on my website, www.GilaBrown.com, that might be interesting to you. If I can be of any more help, feel free to contact me.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.

Hi, J.--

Here are two resources that you may find helpful. One is a system developed by a woman who had exactly the same challenge you're experiencing:

http://www.acceptablebehaviorcheckbook.com

This one is a parenting expert (second generation) with more resources than you can count. The website is a little confusing, but the tour is worth it:

http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?af=831636

(The link above is my affiliate link. If you want to go without that, the website is www.parentstoolshop.com.)

Best of luck to you--hang in there, and congratulations for taking steps to handle the situation now!

D.

Ditto Riley.

He is 6 years old, so, I'm wondering, have you ever just sat down with him and just talked story...about "him?" Ask him about himself, how he's feeling, anything bothering him, any problems at school, his friends, his Teacher, his anxieties... etc. A "boy" NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS to learn HOW to express themselves, and since you are a single Mom, its even more important that he learn to express his feelings with you... that he can do so without judgment, just free talking with you.

When I do this with my daughter, who is the same age as your son, I find she becomes MUCH happier and it deflates any "frustrations" she has.. and she feels closer to me. THEN, she feels "loved" and knows that she can tell me anything under the sun and I am there "for" her, not me.

I even tell my daughter "Are you happy with Mommy/daddy? If not, tell me and we will talk about it. I like to know how you feel and what you think..." THIS alone, telling her this, makes her feel "safe" and unencumbered with any stress or anything that is bothering her. Kids tend to hold back sometimes, in telling us what they think/feel... because they think we don't listen to them or that they will get scolded for it. BUT, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT, THAT THEIR MOMMY... IS THE ONE THEY WILL COME TO FOR ANY 'PROBLEMS' AND THAT THEY TRUST US in "confiding" things to us. Otherwise, they act out.

"getting" control of a child is a 2 way street... once they feel they are validated in their feelings and us in 'hearing' them and understanding them, they become more adept at dealing with themselves too... instead of just being "talked at."

Mind you, for me at least, I "allow" my kids to even tell me things that are negative... in other words, I have a moment with each of them where I LET them "vent" and tell me anything they want, without scolding or correcting them. THEN we talk about it... openly. For example, one time my daughter was being fussy.... I asked her why and she said it's because she drew something and wanted to show me it because she was "proud" of it, but I only "glanced" at it and didn't REALLY put effort into it. So, she was upset. Thus, to me, not knowing the "full picture" I just thought she was being fussy and willful. SO... it was MY fault, for her behavior. I fully apologized to her... which for a child, it is VERY important that a Parent "apologize" to a child TOO, for their mistakes. A child learns by this, and then feels they matter and are important.
Also, I would have NEVER known "why" my daughter was acting fussy/willful, without having asked her "why" and how she was feeling... and she KNEW that she "could" tell me how she feels and that I do listen and won't just off-the-cuff scold her as a default.

Just some ideas that I learned as a Mom and from my very articulate expressive strong personality daughter. BUT, she is a gem, and I value "her" traits.

All the best,
Susan

HI J.,
There are some excellent books on this subject. A relatively new one that I have been told about is "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Leman. There is also the book "The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. Another book that has some great ideas on correction is called "Creative Correction" by Lisa Whelchel.
From all of these books the premise is to lay down your expectations right away. If your child does not comply offer consequences immediately after. Be fair, firm and consistent and your child will eventually learn that you are in charge. The tough part with some children is it may take some discovery to figure out what will truly feel like a consequence to them. For some children it's being on time-out in their room, and for others it may be loss of privileges such as playing the Wii or going to a friend's house.

i recommend reading on becoming childwise

I did developmental check ups through the state with my kids and they said that there are programs available for any help you need. I know there are parenting classes you can take on discipline and there are probably counselors you can be referred to as well. Ask your pediatrician or if you are in California look up your local First Five and ask them for resources. There are lots of options out there! Keep hope and keep trying to find answers.