Advice on Step Son

Updated on August 17, 2009
L.H. asks from Arlington, TX
5 answers

My husband has a son that was kept from him for 13 years, he came back into our lives 4 years ago. We started paying child support and agreed to an arrerage. That was before the collapse of the economy and our business. We raised our five to work, pay for thier on cars, car insurance and all graduated, some with honors wnet to college graduated with honors. I have had the answers to all of our blended issues and done very well with the steps they are mine by now. This young man does nothing, we gets every video game, I-phone, a car whatever he wants without any effort on his part. We are struggling to survive. His Mom taught him to lie and cheat the system. He never took my husband's last name and now is eligle for free tutiion beacause of income levels that do not include child support or my husbands income. It makes it very hard for his siblings to connect with him becasue most of them are paying off student loans and know what it takes to survive in the real world. I get so angry and feel like we work so hard and they get a free ride. We never got a dime of child support from our 3 boys Mom as she ran everytime we found her the AG's office never did anything to help. How do I get over the anger, I pray I work on it and yet it bubbles up again. I want to change it and move on. Thanks for any help.

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B.F.

answers from Dallas on

This world is an unfair place isn't it. It isn't at all what God had in mind and that went out with the fall of man.
I would imagine your children wouldn't exchange their loving mom and dad and the lessons you taught them for all the video games and i phones in the world. It is an empty, lonely world that lies, cheats and steals to fill that void of loving family. I know that doesn't help when you just want to scream at the child that takes hard work for granted but you need to pray for him and love and advise him
and maybe his life will turn around. This will be your biggest challenge yet, living your life as an example without loosing your testamony over little things. Let him know how you feel about dishonesty and how families stick together in tough times by being conscious of hardships and trying to ease them by contributing to the family in a greater way. You're going to need Jesus for this one.
B.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.R.

answers from Dallas on

The children that are working & paying their own way will have much better character & be proud of themselves. Try not to dwell on negative things. Anger only hurts you. Try to be proud of the children that are making something of themselves:)

Hugs

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J.D.

answers from Dallas on

In life it is best to count our own blessings and try to be positive about others. Don't look at the negatives and don't compare your children to this other child. As long as it is not causing strife in your family, let it go. Focus on the maturity and self-sufficiency of your children. Be proud of who they are and the lessons they have learned. This last child will learn in his own way. It may not be what you would want, but you can't control that. Give him love and support the best you can and you can't imagine what that will return to you.

If you can find the positives in every situation, you will be much more satisfied with you and it will give you a new light to pass on.

GL!

1 mom found this helpful
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K.P.

answers from Dallas on

You have no control over what his mom teaches him, so don't dwell on it. The only thing you can do is try and teach him the benefit of hard work. When he is at your house, make him help out. If he wants something, make him earn it. If he doesn't want to work and wants to try and get by without doing anything, there is nothing you can do. He will learn the hard way, especially when he goes to college.

I understand that you are angry by the entire situation, but there is nothing you can do to change it so try and focus on the positive and how well your other children have turned out. Try and limit the amount of time you vent about your stepson and don't let him consume your life. Venting is important (at least to me), so find one person you can vent to and one day a week complain for 5-10 minutes and then let it go.

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A.W.

answers from Dallas on

Here's something that has helped me manage my anger...that and deep breathing.

Two Wolves: A Cherokee Teaching

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life...

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf is evil -- he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good---he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied: "The one you feed".

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