Am I Going Crazy - Highland,IN

Sliding scale therapy:
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L., it gets better. I promise. It really does.

I can relate to your description of how you feel. I felt similarly during my teenage years. I felt like it was never going to end. I felt trapped. I felt like my family would be better off without me. I felt alone. I felt damaged. I felt shame. I felt fear.

Fear of being seen. Fear of being found out. Fear of being invisible, fear of not being found out.

It was a very, very scary time for me. When I'd get home from school I'd go into my room and sit in the corner. I had a journal that I'd write in. I fantasized about the pain and anxiety ending. It seemed like death was the only way out because I hurt so badly inside.

I felt crazy. I felt stupid. I felt weak.

It turns out, L., that there were some things that were going on that I have been able to understand now, years later. I had been sexually assaulted and when I a was a teenager I didn't understand that. I thought it wasn't a big deal, was my fault, didn't really matter - that I was exaggerating, making it up, being dramatic. It really did happen and it really did hurt. It wasn't my fault.

I have a neurodifference, in my case I'm ADHD-c. I just found that out this past year. Those years I didn't know *what* was going on, but I knew I was different. It is a relief to know that I wasn't exaggerating, making it up, or being dramatic. It is real and it's not my fault. Also, it a lot of ways, it's totally awesome. I just need to develop proper tools to channel my difference/s.

I didn't have many friends. And I'm an extrovert.

My folks had divorced and I'm a child of an alcoholic. Also, my sister had gone into deep addiction. That felt big.

I know people who have similar identifiers to me who didn't feel as hopeless and despairing when they were teens. That's okay. People get to feel differently about different things. I'm a sensitive person. I took things very, very personally. I need to know how to channel this also. Now it's an asset. Before it was a wound.

I'm sharing this not because I think you have the same stuff going on. Maybe you do. Maybe your stuff is different.

I do know that something is really going on with you. You're not making it up. It sounds hard and you need some help figuring it out, and getting tools. L., there is no shame in asking for help. We ALL need help. We ALL deserve help. I want you to find the help you need to not feel so isolated and scared.

You are not crazy, honey. You are having a really tough time and so far, you've had to carry that all on your own. You know what? Doesn't matter if we're 10 or 75. We shouldn't have to carry that all on our own. It's too damn heavy a burden.

Suicide, sweet friend, is forever. This feeling is NOT forever.
All things are temporary. Mountains, oceans, life, feelings. What you are going through right now, it will not be forever. I promise, promise, promise. It will change, it will get better. But, you have to be alive for it to happen. Don't quit before the miracle happens, okay?

So okay, where from here? I hear that your school counselor doesn't feel safe and that your relationship with your mom is challenging. Now, your papa seems like he could be a good option. Here's the thing, let's say worst case scenario, he doesn't get it. That's okay. It's not a dead end. Best case scenario, he can actually help support you. He's your dad, L.. His job is to support you. I know that I rarely feel totally good about anything. In fact, I can't think of a time when I've felt totally good. Totally, is a very grave term. Real black and white. I have reservations about every. damn. thing. Marriage, kids, academia, work, housing, location...you name it, I'm not 100% sure ever. Not every one is like that, but I am.

So, think about it, okay? Maybe this would be the person to talk with. I'm going to list some resources that are nation wide. Do you actually life in the City of Chicago? If so, there are sliding scale therapists who you will qualify to see and resources available to minors. Let me know if you need help gathering more resources. Private message me if you want to vent or if you have specific questions. Let's get you what you need. You deserve to feel more stable than this. Really.

One million hugs.
E
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You don't have to be suicidal to call these lines. They should have people on the other side who can listen and help gather resources:

1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-273-TALK

Chicago Crisis Hotline / Counseling Center:

http://www.uic.edu/depts/counseling/hotline.shtml
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L.,

You are NOT going crazy!! You are going through something, that needs a bit of help. I urge you to talk to your counselor, as soon as possible. Will it be uncomfortable? Perhaps. However, it's nothing compared to continually living like this. She will know of resources, even if you are financially strapped. Please talk to your counselor. They are in the business of helping people.

L.,

I didn't read the replies you have gotten previously, but PLEASE know that you are not going crazy. OCD is really rotten, and it does sound like you have it. The good news is, that is is totally treatable, but you do have to tell someone what is going on.

My older daughter started getting OCD symptoms a few years ago, and was diagnosed with PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Psychiatric Disorder Associated with Strep.) She had strep throat that we didn't know about because her brain was responding in a unique way, and she didn't have a sore throat. I would definitely recommend getting a strep throat culture. There is a VERY good doctor in Oak Brook who diagnosis and treats PANDAS.

It sounds like if you are thinking about suicide (whether you believe you will do it or not), this is getting more serious than you can handle. Being 14 WITHOUT OCD is really h*** o* its own!! I was very depressed when I was your age, and it led me to make decisions that I now regret. Please talk to someone about this and get help so you can be well and enjoy your life!

Even if your parents are broke, there are programs out there to help, and information online for them, etc. But they NEED to know. No one can help unless you open up and are honest. I know it's hard- believe me!!- but won't it be worth it if you feel better? And you know what? If you hit a wall, and your parents ignore you, or brush you off, or your counselor can't do anything, then you can still help yourself and join online forums for kids in your position and do your own research. You sound like a really strong, smart girl who knows something really needs to change.

Please come back and update us.

M.

i agree with the other mamas. you're not going crazy. you DO need help. and we aren't the ones to give it to you, although we can support you through this site.

you found the strength to reach out on here. if it's easier, print this out, and give it to your dad or your school counselor. you've already "said" all the hard stuff right here. you don't have to say it out loud to get help. just print this out, and give it to someone. anyone.

there are people that can give you real help. unfortunately, other than a "cyber hug", we can't do much for you.

you are a strong, smart girl. you can do this. get tough and help yourself. you know you can't do this alone. but you CAN help yourself, by reaching out to someone. ((hugs))

Oh L. I have kids your age and if I could, I'd reach out to you and give you a hug and tell you that it will be OK. Because it will be, but I think that you definitely need the help of a therapist or doctor and to work through your feelings and help you feel well again. What you describe is not "normal" but it's not uncommon. Meaning that someone in good mental health feels better than how you feel (so there is room for you to feel better) but that there are many other people, especially your age, who struggle with similar problems and they're treatable. You could be dealing with OCD, anxiety, depression, or any number of things. Sometimes it's hormonal, sometimes it's just your brain chemistry going a bit out of whack for no reason at all, and sometimes it's in reaction to external stressors or a combination of things.

You need to talk to someone about your therapy options. I know that if your parents are "broke" it seems like you have no resources but if they have any health insurance at all, mental health services are usually covered under those plans and if they are truly poor, you may qualify for free health care anyway. Your pediatrician would be a good starting point too, if you still have one. They are trained in mental as well as physical health. There are churches that offer free counseling services too. I used to think that was kind of crazy and that a Pastor wouldn't understand, but my husband and I used to talk with a female pastor of a church that we didn't even go to and she was awesome. That's the kind of thing that the adults in your life can figure out. Really the best resource for you other than your parents is your school counselor. I know that they can seem like creepy, weird, out of touch people but honestly they are trained in dealing with adolescents and know first hand what resources are available in your community. Please know that if you reach out to your counselor, she or he will know what to do.

Another option, if you really aren't ready to talk to someone you know right now, is to call Samarateens. The link to their website and phone number is here: http://samaritanshope.org/index.php/teen-helpline.html and they might be able to help you find someone local to talk to.

Sometimes when you don't get along with one of your parents it can seem like talking to them is impossible but please believe me when I say that unless a parent is a total whack job failure, his or her number one priority is the health and happiness of his or her child. If one of my kids came to me with the kind of problems you are having I would drop everything to help her. Please know that there are adults in your life who care and can help you, and please don't do anything rash to harm yourself. Reaching out here is a very mature step - I hope that some of the responses can help you and that you get the help you need to get back to your old self soon. Please keep us posted - you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I have a few of those tendencies.. definitely OCD related symptoms. I'm sorry, your anxiety sounds very stressful and you do need professional help. But sh cool and social pressures are very tough at your age! But guess what, it gets better! I promise!! You just have to keep climbing up that hill and it will be awesome once you reach the top, put the hardships behind you, and look into the horizon of a new day. I tell myself that every time I go through a very stressful time, and it always helps!

In the meantime, I very strongly urge you to go to school in the morning, and talk to your counselor, very first thing. let him/her know what you are going through, write it down if you need to so you won't forget anything. Also, talk to your parents and/or a trusted adult that can help you. There are medicines and therapies that can really help you, I promise. But you can't get access to that help until you talk to someone. *hugs*

L.,

Ephie gave you the best advice. Please listen to it and make an appointment with your school counselor. If you can't say the words, print this post out and share it with her. There is help for you! Nobody should have to suffer in silence! There are better days ahead!

Please go see your school counselor. This is exactly what they are there for. Everyone needs help sometimes and it is okay to ask for it. You have already done a great first step by asking all of us moms, now just take another small step and talk to the counselor. If you are not comfortable going to see him/her, maybe start with an email, or maybe you can call on the phone? Hang in there!!! Thinking of you in my prayers.
L. -- Please update us all so that we know you are okay.

Sounds like you have and combination of OCD,depression,anxiety. Make an appt with your family doctor, might be a simple as getting on a daily pill like pristiq to help with that.

Wow! It certainly seems to me you need help. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents or the school counselor, perhaps you can get your parents to take you to a doctor (your family doctor or pediatrician, if you have one?). Anyway, I wish you well and hope you get a medical diagnosis for your stress and help in dealing with it. Good luck.

Helpguide.org
I pray for you to find the help, love and support you so much need. Live is beautiful and there are so many beautiful and happy, full filling moments ahead for you.

You may not feel you have the best relationship with your parents at the moment but I am sure they love you with all their heart and you mean the world for them.

The life is in constant change, make the right choices for you and you will become the best version of yourself. Think of a healthy beautiful happy life, imagine how that looks and move forward.

Please find professional help, in a church, in an organization, at school and and I can tell you that starting making changes in your food, stop sugars and make sure you do not have lactose or any other allergies, it is proven that food alters our behavior.

All the good wishes for you,
M.

L., please take some of the advice you've gotten here (especially from Ephie).

I want you to know that life gets better, and that there is help out there for you, even if your parents can't afford it. I promise. You are NOT crazy.

Praying for you to find peace and comfort.

Sounds like you got PANDAS. Got to your doctor and get antibiotics for 10 day and you might need 20 days. If is where u been exposed to the strep virus and instead of getting strep it went through the back of your throat to the base of your basal gangalia base of your brain it causes swelling and extreme anxiety OCD tics. Many doctors do not believe in this especially if u r not 5 years old but this happened to my 11 year old daughter. Beg your dr to do a strep test she has no soar throat or fever just a little head ache here and there. She took antibiotics for a month along with Advil for two weeks to get the swelling down. It helped tremendously!!! She has been on an airplane 10 times and all of a sudden going to grandmas she wouldn't fly! We found her sleeping in the bath tub one night because she was scared someone would steal her in the middle of the night from her bed. She started with OCD and the. Extreme anxiety that she never had before and then the head shaking came and I started researching. Doctor laughed at me and then I brought my husband in. Some times even an ear infection can cause this! Have u been swimming or a cold? Beg your dr. It's better to try antibiotics for a month than be on Zoloft for the rest of your life like they tried to put my daughter on! She is fine now still has a bit of OCD that hasn't gone away but my kid is back no anxiety ! Sleeps great etc! Let me know if your doctor will not help and where u live. There are two PANDAS specialist I know , one is in Lisle area and one is at Comer children's hospital. It is a simple blood test but many drs will go by your symptoms. Ours did oh and if for some reason when u go to the dr and if u test positive for strep throat then your entire family needs to get antibiotics or u will just keep passing this around! Our pediatrician who thought I made this disease up and thought I was crazy did the research and my son tested positive because I brought all the kids in. He called me back the. Ext day and did his research and called the dr at Comer hospital and she told him entire family needed to be treated. So we all got in antibiotics for 10 days and so far unless u get strep throat or are exposed to it it doesnt come back!!!! Hang in there an fund a doctor who will believe u and give u antibiotics even with out a positive strep test! If doctor won't listen write me! Hang in there you ate not crazy! If anything super smart to know this is not the usual you!

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You need to see if you can get some free counseling (google free counseling w/your city & state).
Go to your school counselors to talk to them tomorrow.
You can get counseling, therapy for what you are going through and possibly medicine.
What you are feeling is something that can be treated.
Please hang in there & do what I have suggested tomorrow.
Hugs sweetie

Hi,
You have gotten loads of great advice from all of the other Mamas on here, but I wanted to add my own little bit for you. I want you to really understand and know that this can and WILL get better if you go find help and work through all of this. Just print this out, and go talk to your school guidance counselor or one of your parents, and they will find the right person for you to start seeing who will work with your family and their financial situation. Your family are not the only ones out there who don't have much money especially right now, in this economy. L) Now, I want to tell you a little about one of my daughters. She is a lot like you, in that she felt very similar to you for many years. When she finally came to me, she was feeling like a total mess, and thought the only way "out" was to end her life. :( I was so afraid for her, because she had always been so great in school as far as her grades went. She was a perfectionist, and it turns out she has OCD. She also had severe anxiety and panic disorder. She could not STAND for anyone to look at her, or to feel like she was different than anyone and was drawing attention from the crowd. She did draw attention though, because of her OCD, and all of her limitations that it created. She would get physically ill from her panic attacks, and I cannot tell you the number of times that I had to go to her school to talk to her or even bring her home, because something got her upset and caused her to panic. (it could have been a pop quiz, a grade that wasn't great, she didn't wash her hands thouroughly and was CONVINCED that she was going to get sick from germs, whatever) She had major seperation anxiety from me, and could never go anywhere overnight. Field trips never happened all through elementary and middle school unless my husband or I went as chaperones, and we could talk her through the OCD. It CONSUMED her for years. Then after she started to get therapy, and she went on some medication for the anxiety, she started to feel better. She started to make friends. (she had very few before that) Her older sister and her started to get along better. EVERYTHING was getting better. We found out that she was lactose intolerent. THAT made a world of difference! (I believe it changed her whole world) Within a 18 month period, she was off of her anxiety meds, and was still in therapy, but only once a week. (down from 3 times a week) By 8th grade, she was part of a group of 4 really close friends. She went on a field trip WITHOUT us! (and had a BLAST) She tried out for a play in 8th grade, and got one of the main roles! She LOVED being on the stage!! It was like she was a totally different kid. All through high school, she was very popular, and was involved in competition choir, and was in the schools theatre group. She was in at least 2 big theatre productions each year, and one musical theatre production every year. It was AMAZING! She became very talented in theatre make up and special effects make up. She would do everything in her power to stand out and be different than the rest of the kids, because it got her attention, and would end up getting her the roles that she wanted in all of the plays or musicals! She is now 19 years old, and a sophmore in college. She is in the BFA theatre program at a very good college, where she had to audition and interview to be accepted into their program once she got accepted to the college. She is doing fantastic! We are VERY proud of her! She lived in a dorm all last year, with no issues, and this year she just moved out and into a year round apartment, with 3 other students. So, things CAN get better for you! My daughter is living proof that this is manageable. She is following her new dream, that she has had ever since that 1st play in 8th grade, to become an actress, and is going for it! I am supporting her all the way! It's not always easy, and she has days when she calls me and tells me about something that made her feel anxious, but she is doing it, and on her own. You can do this too! It WILL get better. I really didn't think that my daughter would EVER be able to live away from home. She is the shining example of how this can and will get better. Hang in there kiddo, and ask for help. You will be ok. You are NOT alone! <3 {{{hugs}}}

You have a choice. 1) You can continue as things are as they will not get batter on their own, 2) You can hurt yourself and make things worse physically, 3) You can find someone to help you.

Your life might seem jumbled up like a huge knotted ball of string. No matter what you do, you can pull on some of the strings but they continue to be all knotted up. Some parts may seem less tangled but other parts get worse. What you need is someone who is an expert in untangling string to help you gradually unravel the string. Will it take time? Yes. Will parts of the string be uncomfortable as they are twisted and pulled? Yes. But eventually the string becomes all unraveled and you have the opportunity to do something really beautiful and useful with your string.

Go to your school counselor, your dad, a clergy person, etc. to start the process of getting you an expert in unraveling your string. The sooner you start, the sooner you can start making a beautiful life out of your string.

Hi L.,
Please Do talk to your school counselor!
There are many changes going on in your body and your school counselor CAN help you.
Please DO let us know about what happens.
It is NORMAL to have some sleep issues with what you have described above.
The hormonal changes in your body as you become 14 years old can result in sleep issues.
A trained professional can help you with the whole set of issues.
I understand that you feel alone and I believe that a therapist and doctor can help you. The school counselor or adult that you feel the most comfortable talking to can suggest resources for you.
C.
mom of 3
yoga teacher

L....I didn't read everyone else's opinion, but knowing the women on this site, I'm sure you've gotten some good advice. My daughter is almost 14, so this made me feel like I needed to say something to you. First, the fact that you found a website and asked for help is a huge step in getting through this...asking for help in any way is a big deal. While I know you said you are not close to your mom, try talking to your dad...and believe it or not, your counselor or even a teacher at your school will listen...there has to be someone you are comfortable talking to. A friends parent? Do you go to church? Does a friend go to church and you can go w/? Please, please, seek out an adult you trust and ask for help...on the bullying and on your anxiety. There are things you can do to feel more peaceful and to learn to deal w/ the bullies.

Hang in there, L. and always come here if you don't know where else to go to talk. Will be thinking of you.