An Unmotivated 6 Year Old!

First off, this makes me feel SO much better because my daughter went through the SAME thing when she was in 1st grade. When it came to school work, she would do exactly what she is told, not a bit more. However, when it came to SPORTS, she gave 110%.
We found that giving her a reward system worked best. It was on a 'sliding scale' so she would get a mediocre reward for minimum effort, and a significantly better reward for more effort. I don't believe that all kids immediately take to school and the whole idea of it, and this reward system taught her that the harder you work the more you get. She is now her class president of 4th grade and has really excelled in school. It just took a little longer. :)
Good Luck!! :)

J.

HI there! I've taught preschool through third grade, but most of my experience is in first and second grade. I have to tell you, reaching unmotivated students is one of the most difficult tasks to tackle. But, it can be done! It will take persistence and a very firm but gentle touch.

The students I see who are incredibly unmotivated usually fall in one of two categories. One: they have some serious emotional issues due to trauma/drama at home. Two: they are very intelligent, tend towards perfectionism, and are sensitive to criticism/being "wrong." Does your daughter maybe fall in a category that looks like the second one?

If so, some tips:

-begin pointing out in a very causal, cheerful way, examples from your childhood as well as your present where you had to try try again, and ended up being successful.

-validate her feelings (I purposely did not use the word "affirm"). Something like, "It feels really bad to you when you think it might not be perfect. I know that you'll be able to handle it though. Let's see what happens."

-offer advice as though it's coming from a third party who is just like her: "Would you like to hear how a little girl my friend told me about handles XYZ? She seems to have the same kinds of feelings as you."

-don't accept sub-par work! Do this in baby steps- so don't expect a masterpiece in the first week! Begin with small things that are qualitatively less important, but important nonetheless. Start with neatness, length (or thoroughness), and then move to depth. For instance, I've had several students who were amazing writers, but would do the absolute bare minimum and sloppy at that. I would return work over and over and over and over until is was neat. After they began doing their work neatly the first time, I would begin getting picky about the length of work (I expect you to write a half page/whole page/etc). Next I would get picky about the things teachers are most interested in- and instead of being picky it was really about teachable moments- word choice, more elegant punctuation, and so on. Usually by this point in the process, they had some internal motivation going on and welcomed these moments.

-be selective about what she has to "redo." It would be terribly upsetting to have to do every single assignment over.

-be crystal clear about expectations. I would make a little list for the student that specified exactly what I expected from him/her. Even better, I would often ask the student what they thought were appropriate criteria. I would often accept their ideas even if it wasn't quite what I was thinking of- so long as it took them to a higher level of workmanship.

-ask if she can be seated next to 2 children who are industrious (more important at this point than "advanced") workers. That kind of support works wonders. Depending on the seating arrangement, it needs to be 2, not one- otherwise she'll find comfort in the whoever else is nearby who doesn't accomplish so much for whatever reason. If she were in my class I would put her in a table group of 4 where the other 3 were super hard workers.

I would say this process can take 3 months to 6 months to even longer depending on the child. But the transformation is beautiful.

I hope this is helpful. The teacher really has to be the one to do most of this, though. That's the tough part. I would conference with the teacher to see how you can be on the same team, but not overwhelm her. Otherwise she'll just nosedive.

My last point, I just thought of another "category." Sometimes kids have all of the behaviors and traits of understanding the material being taught, when it turns out they're just barely comprehending and they feel completely overwhelmed, but are too embarrassed to ask for help. It's weird how kids can understand so much more than we think they're capable of, but then conversely they really don't understand so much at the level we think they do.

Good luck to you, your daughter, and her teacher!

J.

I can't help but wonder from several of your statements whether you aren't inadvertently pressuring your daughter to live up to your expectations without taking hers into account. Your intentions are surely the best, and yet not all children are born with the same degree of motivation. Some might develop it later in life, or not at all. Can you find it in yourself to allow your daughter more time to get on your program, or maybe suspend your program entirely if it turns out she dances to different music?

The TV might seem to be the focus here, but I'd guess that control is the real issue. You want her to realize "that in life you just simply have to do things that aren't a ball of fun." That's a pretty heavy message to hand to a six-year-old. All children have individual strengths, weaknesses, and wishes. And all children need the support from their parents to become who they are really intended to be.

My mother pounded on me, drove me, and hounded me in ways large and small out of a conviction she was helping me to succeed in life. I was purely miserable until I ran away into an early marriage to escape her, and then I was miserable in a mistaken marriage. I was never even motivated enough to "act out" against her, I just moved as far away as I could get, and it took me 15 years of despair to leave my first marriage. What I eventually discovered was that I am an artist, and I have a career doing what I love now, and a husband who supports me for who I am. I don't make much money, but I finally feel successful. I am so happy living the life I finally chose for myself. I had to put a great deal and physical and emotional distance between myself and my mother to finally arrive at this place.

Please be careful that you are not wedging your daughter into a position where she will have only painful choices to make.

Have you asked her why things are this way? Explained to her what you see and ask her what she think is causing it and what you both can do to fix it. Maybe its something small - maybe its something big - but you wont know until you get to the bottom of it.

You may also want to try Sylvan or other learning centers. They can help you understand how your child learns - some kids need a different way of learning to be successful.

Good Luck!

Frustration for sure, E. C.!

Kids not doing what they're capable of, taking 'the easy way out' is usually a sign of anger. She needs something from you that hasn't been addressed and doesn't know how to tell you.

You've had a great deal to deal with during the last 3 years. While you're doing the very best for your children and are an educated parent, something has fallen through the cracks.

Children's needs during their early years are difficult to address often. And while single mothers must take care of life's necessities and their, YOUR, own needs the needs of your children may get tricky.

She's picked an area of battle that you cannot control -- school. Intelligent children do that. Other areas you have no control in are eating, sleeping and toileting. She needs to impose her power and demonstrate her 'unhappiness.' She may not know this is what she's doing, of course. It's new knowledge that has come to psychologists, child development professionals, human development professionals during the last decade.

What is difficult to understand in this may be that TV isn't a big deal for you. She's chosen TV for some reason, probably because it bothers you. Children are very intelligent; your daughter is emotionally intelligent to be sure. TV has nothing to do with school and nothing to do with the 'real problem.'

Getting to the real problem -- her feelings that are driving the behavior -- will take effort, time and probable emotional distress. It's hard to talk about painful feelings, but unless you do the feelings will not change. Genuine, behavioral changes must come from within; she must feel differently to change her behavior. You cannot impose emotional change with punishment or denial. That will only change external behavior.

All people need to have a sense of power about something important in their lives. Children don't usually have many options.

Be careful that you don't misinterpret the word 'power.' In this sense it is not about harm. Power is feeling important. Power is having a voice. Power is making a difference. Power is important.

Your daughter may still feel damaged (emotionally) and very sad about the divorce. She may have lead you to believe that isn't the case. She needs you so won't knowingly say or do something to cause you to leave her as her father did.

Regardless of what has been said by both you and your husband she believes her father left her. When someone important leaves you, you must be a problem (a silent conclusion in her little mind and spirit). She's probably mad and sad about that.

If she doesn't have an emotional language, she may be unable to express these thoughts and how she feels. There are good parenting books about divorce. There are also good parenting books about teaching an emotional language. Having an emotional language will serve her for the rest of her life and her children's lives (should she choose to become a parent).

Talking feelings. Talking about feeling angry, sad, scared, joyful, Talking experiences. Talking about how such and such an experience felt (from the inside).

You're a good mom; you've asked for help. Let her know that you're in this together and that you're not going away. Let her know that she's a powerful little girl doing what she's doing to get your attention. Let her know that you're going to pay attention and support her now. Let her know that something is going on that you don't understand.

Young children think we as parents know everything and must be told by us that we don't! They must hear us tell them that we have something to figure out and sometimes that is hard work.

Let her know that you love her; you can't say or show that enough.

Remind yourself that you're a good mom doing the best that you can! My best to you in this new relationship (the most amazing man!) and, of course, to you and 'daughter.'

E.,
I feel your pain for sure!! My husband at the time and I were going through the same exact things with my then 6 year old daughter. It was to the point that everything had been taken away from her and all she had was her bed and her clothes. She was only "alloud" to read and do homework. That's it and even then she had to ask permission. Extreme? Yes! We were just at our wits end. she wouldn't talk to me or anybody. When I asked what was wrong she always said "nothing mommy." Or she would start talking about something completely different that had no relevance. About a month later I left my husband of four years because of domestic violence. In one weeks time she was just blossoming!! Full of life and will not stop talking!!

I can't help but wonder if there is something more going on in your family that your daughter is affraid or ashamed to talk about. I read one person's reply and maybe it is just as simple as her feeling that you are very overbearing. All I can suggest is to maybe set aside some time for just the two of you or your xhusband do the same. I know it is easier said than done, but just an hour or two out of the week may be all she needs. Just for her to know that regardless she is special and loved. Good luck!

Honestly, at six, she should find school to be more fun than anything else. It's rather like learning piano. With one teacher, the practicing is a drudge, the lessons are demeaning ("Why haven't you practiced more?"), and the child wants nothing more than to give up. With another teacher, the child can't wait to practice every day, can't wait to see her teacher, and gets a lot of encouragement and giggling during a lesson.

In the grade she's in, learning should be, above all, FUN. These first few years are the ones that will teach her how to approach school...and her feelings about school will likely remain unchanged after she forms them.

My daughter is in first grade right now (she turns 7 in a week), and her teacher makes sure the kids are engaged and having fun. If your daughter watches little television, then she should not have the expectation that education is entertainment, so my guess is that the activities at school are either not that fun/interesting, or (more likely) the teacher's TONE is not that positive, especially when directed towards her. The teacher may have already formed a negative opinion of your daughter, and she may be consciously or subconsciously exhibiting signs to your daughter.

I wish I knew how to fix this...but I don't think it is only your daughter who has the problem. A good teacher sees the child's weaknesses but doesn't judge her for them.

I hope all goes well,

C.

I'd strongly recommend the book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman. You can pick up a used copy on Amazon.com for only a couple of bucks. I found it tremendously helpful in recognizing that different strategies are needed for different personality types.

Hello E.
I was very touched reading your story about your daughter who is 6 years old. I think alot of partents go through hard times with their kids and I did recently and have decided to cut out TV completely, Ive noticed a change in my daughter already. Things that worked for us is to go for walks and look at the outside world, trees, animals, plants just get her attention exterior. Then also games, drawing, art, book on tape, painting, music lessons, gynmastics, paino anything that takes her attention outward. Its possible there maybe some aspect at school which is affecting her, either a teacher or class mate you may want to talk to her teachers and get some info on the scene at school. Kids generally respond to a light touch. Try not to talk about her in front of her as this may make her act it out more. I hope this helps, although my daughter is only 3 1/2 I went through the same things and this helped me tremendously. You could also get her some tutoring after school with a nice upbeat teacher she likes.
Whatever you do try not to fall into the trap of others wanting to medicate your kids. That never works and its harmful. Natural remedies above may help. Good luck E.
Regards, C.

I guess the only thing I can suggest is to try different things until something sparks her interest. Watch for the little signs that peek her interest. maybe she just needs "input" and TV provides tons. Try museums, librarys, local festivals and activities until you find something she likes. Then TV can focus on those likes as well as books, and even homework examples.
About the homework, Try to get it done right away. After TV or dinner is such a chore. Perhaps a light snack with homework. and break it into small chunks. 10 min home work, 10 min video/dvd of favorite show ( yes this is bribery) eventually you will get to a place where the time set aside is longer than the time it takes to get the homework done.
Also encourage reading, I allowed my kids to stay up longer if they were reading. I know she is only 6 but she could look at picture books.
Good luck and let us know what you do and how it works.
ttfn

consider several things - have their been any changes in either household.. you mention meeting someone new... how long has your daughter's stepmother been in the picture? any new children in that family? Have you moved recently? Is this a new school for her? All kinds of things like these can cause her to act out - to get attention.

consider also a learning disability, some kids will lose motivation if they find things are difficult but don't know how to verbalize it. I don't know what they could pick up on now at her age.. but you could request the school do an evaluation to see if she has a learning disability.. even to just rule it out.. so as to not leave any stone unturned.

If a learning disability is identified you can come up with a plan of action.

If it may be due to emotional issues, see about counseling/therapy for her. Also consider a plan to motivate her. For example. for each day she succeeds at school she gets a sticker on the calendar (places like WalMart sell sets with small stickers the size of an pencil eraser - those are good) once she has reached a number of stickers - in a row - on the calendar (one week's worth would be a good start) she can get a reward.. like going out for ice cream or a small toy or book that she wants.

these are some ideas to start with.

maybe a little young for an ADHD diagnosis.. but keep her behaviors logged somewhere so you can bring them up to a pediatrician if you ever consider thi (most common ages for dx is in 3rd or 4th grade). Many kids with ADHD are very very smart but labeled lazy. I have one who is just as you described when she was 6.. so I can relate to your frustration. Do your best to deal with it now.. and make sure you are on the same "team" as her teachers.

Hey E., check out this awesome website with short videos about parenting. This link leads to a video about how to praise kid's effort, rather than their intelligence or abilities in order to encourage them to try harder and try new things. I hope it helps! http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/half_full/?p=54 Good luck!

Hi E.,

Sounds like a very tough thing to deal with. I agree with the advice that was given to talk to your child. Communication is the most challenging part of being a parent. But, we have to teach our kids to talk about things. Another thing to consider is diet. I was like that at the same age. My diet was horendous! I never ate nutritious foods. I mean, I lived in the south home of cornbread, turnip greans and greasy foods.

The point is this, if it happens that it is depression or something beginning early, you can nip it in the bud. My parents coddled me and just let me be depressed. I can say, that was not the best choice. Now, at 31 i take no meds, eat nutritiously, and give my daughter nutritious foods too. It has completely gotten rid of my lack of motivation. It's just a tought to consider. :) Blessings to you and your family.

K

My husband and I have the same problem with my husbands 16yr old daughter. All she does is watch TV and has no passion or motivation for anything what her problem partially is, is that she lives with her mom and is not encouraged at all just left to her own devices. With that said have you tried enrolling your daughter in outside activities perhaps by doing this you can encourag her to find new interests I was always active in something from the time I was your daughters age until I graduated and it helped me a lot plus I loved being active in something.

You have just described my 8 year old daughter to a tee. She has turned out to have ADHD and Dyslexia. Don't let the lack of jumping around fool you, it tends to present differently in girls.

Maybe get a sticker chart, and if she does, say (for example) 1 week of homework she gets to go to her favourite place (such as Baskin Robbins, Dairy Queen?) Also, become more active with her physically. Go for walks or bike together. My kids are physically active because we do biking and walking together.