And Some People Think **I** Am Rude

I'm with you. I hate when people say, "John passed." Passed what? Gas, first grade, his driver's exam?

I have always hated all the euphemisms for death. People die. It's what we do and it's what I say.

No, it isn't rude to say someone died.

Saying he died, when he did die is not rude. It is the truth.

Saying he died if he had not died would be rude. Because it would not be true.

This person has issues.

It is a touchy time, people get touchy when someone dies... they then may displace their touchy-ness onto others, and then, lecture them. It is a displaced, coping or defensiveness for their own inability to handle the death etc.
Don't take it personally.
Or this person may be a self-appointed FB grammar police and her own ethics committee.
Maybe she even drives others nuts too and irritates others too, besides yourself.

Just ignore it.
She is probably grieving and is therefore displacing her self-appointed sense of corrected-ness onto others.

My Dad, died several years ago. I use the word "died." Too. Or passed away. It depends.
I have no problem with that. Nor in others saying it.
Even my own kids will say he "died."

Cheryl, you are A-ok.
Don't let that W. irk you.
She is being a self-appointed social ethics committee unto herself.
So be it.
Everyone has different ways, of writing or expressing their thoughts. We can't all expect everyone on this planet, to please us or to go by our own personal ethos. That is impossible.

she's an idiot. euphemisms have their place but most people aren't afraid of real words.
SHE was rude to make this an issue while you're grieving.
sorry for your loss, hon.
khairete
S.

Uh, no. You were not rude, your friend is an insensitive whack job.

Kicked the bucket - rude. Died - not rude. I've used died when referring to someone in my family as in - My uncle died in July. I generally use "passed away" when talking about someone else's loss as in "I heard your Mom passed away, I'm so sorry". I think either is fine.

The person who corrected you was the person with bad manners. You are dealing with the loss of a friend, verbage doesn't alter that loss. Shame on them for worrying you about manners at a time when your feelings are what should be considered. Bless you and I am so sorry for your loss.

Well, he DID die, didn't he?

Just a silly person, acting crazy. Probably bored and alone.

Shrug it off, your friend died. There is nothing rude about stating that fact.

Hi Cheryl - so sorry that your friend died. And I do agree with you too. So many times people try to soften words so they don't sound like they really are. Like your trashman is now the garbage collector or WHATEVER. You know what I mean. I'm a say it like it is kind of girl, so I usually agree with and get what you are trying to say. Hope you feel better today (I saw in your other post you have a headache).

What I think is rude is the perfect people who think that it is their job to correct someone elses grammer, choice of words or spelling etc...

Cheryl, I am sorry to hear about your loss.

L.

You are just fine.
Died is an acceptable term... as a matter of fact, it's exactly what happened.
The problem is theirs not yours.
Hugs!
LBC

So sorry to hear about your friend :(

People grieve differently. Maybe they have some warped sense of reality and that 'died' isn't PC. Well shame on them for making a mountain out of a molehill! It's a WORD. If it's going to get under their skin that badly and have that much of an effect on their mood, well bah humbug!

People DIE. Animals DIE. Plants DIE. You don't say 'oh, the drought really had an effect on the azaleas, they passed away'... THEY FLIPPING DIED!

Again, sorry to hear about your friend, and I truly hope this other person pulls their head out of their butt.

There's nothing wrong with 'died' - it's completely accurate and is a proper term.
The trouble with the chronically politically correct is that it gets so bad no one knows what they are talking about anymore.
I had an acquaintance at work that left suddenly.
When I dialed into a teleconference where they were suppose to be attending I was told he had departed.
I said "He died?!?".
No - he'd left the company for a new job opportunity.
Many phrases used for death are also used for leaving a job.
Right about now, I have a deep desire to hear the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch.
It cracks me up every time I hear it.
There are so many euphemisms.
Kicked the bucket
Bought the farm
Rests in peace
Bereft of life
Gone to meet his maker
Passed away
Pushing up the daises
It goes on and on!

How rude to point out their personal opinion. I have a friend who says "x has gone to be with the angels" because she too thinks died is too harsh a word. I think since it is the hard, cold truth I use the word "died." My son did die and that is the hard reality so yes I use the word.

So sorry about your friend.

I'm sorry to hear that your friend died. :(
No, it is not an issue to use the "D" word.
What I find rude was this "friend", who, while you were stating that you lost someone you cared about, was too worried about wording and making sure you knew how wrong you were. What an idiot.

I am sorry to hear about your friend. No, you are not rude. Your FB friend was rude to even point that out. Nothing like having someone chastise you when you have a death of a friend. People can be so crass at times - the wrong time!

MY FRIENC just DIED... And you're calling me rude for mourning him??? You're trying to pick a semantics debate???

Suck it.

Die is a verb. It's part of life and it's a word that's part of language.
I don't think you were rude, but working in the medical field and dealing with family members, etc, we say "passed away" as part of respect. Technically, you are right, the person died. But, some people are more sensitive to how it's described.

Believe me, I've received many calls alerting us that a client of ours has died and the family members are usually very distraught so we try to word things as gently as possible.

What you posted wasn't offensive. I don't really know why someone else would call you on it. That's kind of weird, actually. Did the person upset with you even know the deceased?
At work, amongst each other, we might say died, but with clients going through the whole process, we don't use that word.

I'm not sure why you associate "passing away" with another bodily function, but everyone sees things differently.

Died. Seems so final.
Passing away seems more hopeful, as if perhaps someone is passing away to another realm.

That's just my opinion and how I look at it.
I don't see a need to defend yourself though.

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says "There, she is gone."
"Gone where?"
"Gone from my sight. That is all."
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at that moment when someone says "There, she is gone" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout - "Here she comes!"

by Henry Van Dyke

I don't think it is rude to say he died.

I figure that someone who chooses to be offended by the terminology is just finding a different way to channel their grief... They can't handle the death of their loved one, and it's easier to be mad that someone else said 'he died' than it is to be sad about the death. Death is intangible, and often it leaves nothing or no one to blame... so chances are this 'friend' is choosing to be mad at you, so that he CAN be mad at SOMETHING... I wouldn't take it too personally.

Sorry for your loss! :'(

What a fruitcake... and how insensitive to say that to you. Death and dying is part of life. To me saying "passed away" about a person is like saying "put to sleep" about an animal.

The FB person probably has her own issues about the idea of death and feels like to say someone died is too blunt. But as others have said, it's not rude, it's the truth.

I'm so sorry for your loss~ sending you a hug...

Not rude at all. You didn't say "croaked," or "conked out!

IMO, it's a personal preference whether you say die or passed away.

Don't sweat it.

Chickens do not lay enough eggs to walk on egg shells.

And I am sorry for your loss.

Oh Cheryl, as long as I have been on mamapedia, you are never rude, always kind and thoughtful and caring and I wouldn't think about it another minute. People grieve in various ways and this other person doesn't know what to do so is lashing out. I guess just forgive them. I am so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for the loss of your friend. There is nothing wrong with saying "died". My older son was 4 when my uncle died and that's what I told him. This past May my grandfather died. My boys are 6 and 3. I told them he died. I said it gently, but I still used the word died. YOU are NOT rude. And she/he might think you are rude but it's actually rude for them to contact you over semantics in this situation!

i do not use the "D" word for my 8 yr old daughter who left us 2 yrs ago , neither i say that i am visiting her grave/cemetry . i use the word " home" for her new resting place . since i do not like these words for my girl so i take care not to use them for others as well ..... yes thats a fact that we all have to leave this world & its a natural process but it all depends from person to person and his association with the deceased or the greived family . i think personally , you hv the right to disagree ofcourse that at this point of time you should keep your matter aside of what anybody has told you . focus on the family of your friends that what you can do to console them .yesterday out of confusion a lot of people called me bad names , even made of fun my written expression .... English is not my first language , neither i think its a big deal if am using abbreviations etc . PPL could have conveyed the views in a polite manner .but most of the people did not .....DOESN'T MATTER.... as thats their part of grooming that how to communicate/address others . bottom line is that choice of words matters if you really want to resolve an issue but if its an Ego problem then nothing can be done ~ stay blessed

I use the two interchangeably because they both mean the same thing. I guess to some passed away is a gentler way to put it but the reality is someone is gone and will be missed so you're not making any difference in the reaility of the situation by using one term or the other.

The person should have expressed condolances to you rather than try and give you a lesson in what terminology you used! I'm sorry for you loss Cheryl, and I'm sorry you also had to put up with some wierdness about it too.

Cheryl,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like this other person isn't coping well. It wasn't rude to say that your friend died; it's a fact, not an embellishment. Hopefully they will apologize later when they've had a little time to think about their over-reaction to this.

We use the word "died", too, and grief counselors also suggest using this word around children, so as to keep things clear, simple and honest.

I'm sorry about your friend. I do not think you were being rude. I also would have said the same thing "he died".
Let me know if you need anything.

I am tired of people trying to tell us what is 'correct' to say in their own way of thinking. People have died for years. The will continue to die. It's a fact of life. Yes, their life has passed away then. But it isn't rude to say someone died because they did. Do they think the person who lost them feels better or like they are still here if they say 'passed away'? Do they think it means they are off on a trip and not dead? It's silly. They died. And I'm so sorry that your friend died.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.

After we'd called all our family I announced on FB that my Dad had died, as many knew he was doing hospice at home and I had posted my thoughts and feelings of what was going on for several months. I know that some people prefer the term "passed away," a euphemism of sorts as some people don't like the words die, died or death, and I will use it occasionally, but to me "died" is what I am more apt to say, and definitely not rude.

Both terms are correct. Don't worry about Ms. Manners and her make-believe etiquette standards.

I don't think you were rude at all!! I think that the person who said you were rude is very ignorent! Just like you said he did "die". Some people just need someone or something to bi*** about. I haven't yet had to explain death to my son who is now 3, but when the time comes I do plan on saying die and not passed away. Different people are comfortable with different ways of saying things. what a closed minded person for calling you out on that one. Sorry to hear about your friend. ****HUGS***** :)

Oh Cheryl, I'm so sorry, I didn't see your post yesterday. I'm sorry your FB "friend" did that. Sometimes people have real big balls. I say both died and passed away. I think it depends on who I'm saying it to and if I feel it needs to be "cushioned" then I say passed away. I told the kids my moms cat died, not passed away. So I'm not sure of the reasoning in my own head, but tend to use both. Sorry for your loss my friend. xo

1.) I don't think saying "died" is rude. Although I personally use "passed away" when talking to those in mourning, there's nothing wrong with "died." I wouldn't hesitate to offer sympathy over the death of a loved one (or the passing or the loss....both of which are inaccurate, but soft terms). If your intent is kind, the choice of words seems a bit irrelevant.
2.) The person who sent you the message was extraordinarily rude. You are entitled to greive as you wish without worrying about the politically correct way to do so. The person who messaged you showed a gross lack of compassion.

No, it wasn't rude. I told my kids a person died. I didn't say it this way if they were very young. I'd tell them they left their body and went to heaven. But sometimes you'd be put into a position to use the word died because they wouldn't understand. When I was young I thought it very strange people used terms like passed away, left us, etc. Now I don't think about it. But do use the term died more than not.

This person probably is afraid of death, it probably seems so permennant to her and doesn't know how to handle it. She thinks of it as a nasty word when of course it really isn't. She should put her mind on things of more import, like praying sincerely for her friend that has moved on to the other side and realize his body is dead not his soul. Then again, some people just like to start trouble or do what they think is cool, even though it's really just dumb.

I wouldn't like it if someone reacted this way to me either. Let it go and pray for your friend. I pray he is in peace.

nah. that person is on edge. "died" is perfectly fine. Oh dear, more drama I hear about FB.

on another note, on this site I once wrote about a girl who was "giving her baby away." I got a bit of a mouthful from a few about how I should re-phrase my post. "Put her baby up for adoption" was what they'd prefer. But it just didn't grammatically sound right, and that's why I'd written it the way I had.

So, eh, some words just hit people harder than other words do.

The "D" word isn't fashionable these days! You're supposed to say, "Passed away," or "passed on," or just "passed." It's a euphemism thing. You were not rude, but you might have shocked someone.

I wouldn't worry about it. If writing "died" is the most awful thing you write on Facebook, you're doing all right.

No, it's not rude. That person is crazy.

I am very sorry to hear about your friend, Cheryl. I don't think using either term is rude. I think your other friend may have lashed out because emotions are running high right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
God Bless,
A.

I agree with you I tell my daughter like it is but in a way she understands and my daughter pretty smart she understands more than people think an 8 yr old would. Passed away to me is like passed out it is the same to me. Then i guess I am rude too but I was raised to say it like it is and not feel bad for how i feel. I even tell people if i hurt ur feelings im sorry but i am not sorry for sayin it or feelin that way. i am sorry if this offends anyone but it is how I feel.

I say both. I use passed away because its respectful and not as harsh when speaking to an older person, it sounds nicer. I do also use died when its appropriate. But I do not think its rude at all, if its what you like to use then use it.

Sorry for the loss of your friend. I'm also sorry that you were harassed about expressing your sorrow.

Let it go, and focus your energy into taking care of your family and supporting your friends family in their time of need.

gawd....people are SO strange. Not rude.

I say "died." I've never said passed away. No I don't think it's rude.

I don't think it is rude to say he died. You are right that is what happened, he died. I say that too if needed.

I say "died" or "croaked", mostly I use "croaked". I think saying croaked is rude, but saying someone died is totally not rude at all.

Nope, not rude at all actually. However, I am a more factual person as well.

Cheryl,

I am so sorry that your friend died. I know that it is extremely hard to lose someone you love. NO, you are not wrong for calling it like it is. It sounds like the person who responded hasn't come to grips with the fact they will die someday and it makes them "uncomfortable". You didn't do anything wrong. Take care of yourself~ M

I don't see how you were rude. I think it's weird that this person would call you rude for that. I use the two terms interchangeably, but now that I think about it, my husband is a very straight forward factual kind of guy and I don't think I've ever heard him say "passed away"...he's only said "died".

Either way, you weren't rude, and this "friend" is an idiot to get upset with you when you've lost a friend.

I say died. Although I understand what "passed away" means, I would never think to use it because it's just not in my normal verbage. I'm a very matter of fact kind of person, and similar to you feel that dying is what he did.

Personally, I don't think it's the word that matters in as much as the intent.. which leads me to.. hey, you had heartfelt feelings... whether the other person thinks it's harsh or not, it's THEIR problem.... Also, when someone that we all love dies, everyone reacts differently...

Blessings to you

Updated

Personally, I don't think it's the word that matters in as much as the intent.. which leads me to.. hey, you had heartfelt feelings... whether the other person thinks it's harsh or not, it's THEIR problem.... Also, when someone that we all love dies, everyone reacts differently...

Blessings to you

No, it is not rude to say "died". What is rude is someone making an assessment of your feelings and telling you that they were misspoken. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you will find comfort in the memories you have for your friend-I'm sorry they died and I'm sure they will never pass away from your heart. xo.

I just have to say that I don't find the word "dead" or "died" to be rude, but I know that when I was a kid and I said it once to my dad about his deceased father, he started crying. (My grandpa died a year before I was even born, and I made this comment probably 10 years after his death.) For some people, the word just hurts some people. I don't know why. But, there is a good reason for euphemisms, as some people are just more sensitive than others.

Hi, Cheryl:

Your "friend" was rude to be critical of your self-expression. Actually, it was an intimidating remark, I'll say, bullying remark.
If she didn't like it that you said, "died," she could have deleted your mail.
Why was it important for her to tell you that?

Just wondering.
Some people aren't kind. It's sad to say that.
Good luck with coping with your sadness.
D.

I think it was rude of them not to offer you condolences (whether they knew your friend or not is beside the point) instead of calling you out on your choice in verbage. Seriously, you just lost a friend, what the heck is wrong with people?!?!

No, it's not rude to say that a person died. That's what happened. Their never is an easy way of stating that a person's dead. The fact that you posted it, states that you are sad about it, and shows how you feel.

Anyways, I think people like that have way to much time on their hands to send a message like that to someone. It's insensitive.

I am sorry your friend died! Sending you a hug, Cheryl.

sorry your friend died =( and i'm also sorry you had a rude friend

i was suprised that you updated with they didn't know him, if they did I'd J. say emotions get the best of people when mourning but its crazy that she'd call you out on wording when you are mourning someone she didnt even know. she's a Jerk or possibly lost someone recently and isnt all there right now!

When my great aunt was very old, I used to visit her each week at the "home" where she lived (facility.) I called and was told she "expired." I was insulted and mad that they said it like that. I had to ask "did she die?" because I remember just never having heard that term. I always remember that- thinking they thought of her like a credit card. Expired. I like died. or passed away. I think Died seems harsh for people- but it depends on their relationship, I guess. I used "died" too- but when i talk to friends who have grieved a loss, i think I say I am sorry for their loved ones' passing. I am not sure why I differentiate it..but I don't think you were rude. I DO think we accept too many 'friends' on Facebook for the sake of doing it, or because a bunch of our friends are friends of theirs. I can't say I know EVERY person on FB really really well, but I know them, what they are up to, their kids names, what they do and like, and rarely have any "turn" on me... But I have NO problem de-friending people either... I don't have time for ridiculous people and some are attention seekers. :) I am sorry for your loss, and sorry your 'friend' was rude. SOme of my friends are always shocked when people "turn" on them.. but i tell my friends you cannot operate on the assumption that everyone is SANE! :)