College Freshman, Living in Dorms, Close to Home, Parents Involvement / Rules ?

Are you paying for her tuition/dorm rent? If she's only 20 minutes away from home, why can't she just commute to school? If I was footing the bill for my daughter to party, I'd pull the funding (easy for me to say, my kids are 8 and 5) for rent, and stick with tuition. It's one thing to say "she's 19, let her make her own mistakes", but if you're paying the bills while she's choosing a party-girl lifestyle, that's another thing entirely.

If you're not paying the bills, then yeah, she kinda does need to make her own mistakes. When she gets kicked out of school for partying too much... she'll have to live with the consequences.

You need to trust that you gave her the skills to handle this.

She has never been exposed to this stuff, so she will make some bad decisions. I honestly am thankful I drank and did drugs in high school, so that when I got to college, I knew how to have fun while getting straight A's.
I'd set expectations about grades, but let her experiment. This is an important part of college.

Sounds exactly like me at that age! I was a goody-goody until I reached college. College was my first time out in the real world. I started drinking and partying in college. Everyone did it, from the quietest, studiest kids to the ones who really had no goals to begin with in college. I hate to burst your bubble, but that's just the reality of dorm life.

Your role as a parent is to set expectations with her grades. My parents did that and I met my goals. They had no clue how I was living life in college because I wasn't near home and did just fine in school.

You can let her know you're disappointed in her choices, but understand that you're only privvy to what's going on because you're close by. It's her personal life. You can set academic standards, especially if you're paying for college, but as long as she meets them, leave her alone.

I only partied for about 1/2 of freshman year and then lost interest. If it's never been in her nature, chances are she'll do the same. If my parents had jumped in and tried to tell me what to do, I can tell you it would have only gone on longer. I would have been angry then that they were trying to control me when I was out on my own.

As a parent, I know how hard this must be, though.

When it comes to college, experimenting with drinking, drugs and sex IS the norm.
This does not mean that every college student chooses a path of constant partying and sleeping around, but most do experiment, to some extent.
If you have raised her well, and if she has a good head on her shoulders and genuinely cares about school and her future, she will be just fine.
She is legally an adult now, so short of not paying for her education, you really don't have any control over her decisions.
This is why I started giving my kids a longer leash their last year in high school. I have seen time and time again that the kids who come from the strictest homes with the most controlling parents are the ones who go the wildest in college.
You can still offer her your love and support but you need to let her make her own mistakes. It's the only way she's going to learn, and it's time for her to grow up and understand the consequences of her behavior and choices.

The fact that she's 20 minutes from home is pretty irrelevant here. Don't make her move back home. If she was further away you wouldn't even know about this stuff. In fact, how do you know about this? Did she tell you? If so, congratulations! You've done a great job. Your adult child is telling you when she screwed up.

She is 19. She is old enough to make her own decision. By the same turn, she is old enough to live with those decisions. If you make her move back home you are simply delaying the inevitable... let her make her mistakes at 19 instead of 25. Not much you can do here except let her know what the consequences will be if she is asked to leave school.

I do not know. Everyone I knew drank at college on the weekends. I'm sure she was drinking and acting up before she went but must have hid it well from you. She has to learn her lessons I suppose if you helicopter over her it could make her go further off the deep end. I would put your foot down though. No need to waste money on college if she is throwing it away. Save it for when she is ready. Explain that if she does not get her act together and start focusing more on class work and less on the fraternities then you will be pulling funding out of her school and she will be on her own in that department. But really colledge kids do tend to go to frat parties get drunk and have fun. Its what they do. As long as they are keeping theiregrades up and going to class you have to let a little slide.

Try not to panic. I drank in HS but not a ton and was a "good girl" so not sure my parents really even knew. I also didn't date a ton bc my dad always was so strict it made me self conscious. Went to college and BOOM. Quite a change... And it somewhat continued the next 4 years. I came out of my shell in a way and am very glad I did. I became a much more confident person. So this isn't all bad... Tell her that but tell her she can also take it too far. Remind her she has to maintain grades - I partied hard but responsibly when it came to making sure my schoolwork was done first. How do you even know what's going on at school like that? Is she telling you? Overall, keep an eye on things partly via her grades. If she's maintaining them, then hopefully she's keeping a balance. Remind her that she's likely a bit of a "hit" right now as an attractive freshman but she can also quickly develop a reputation... Either as a drunk or a slut or both. Otherwise, try not to worry too much.

Unfortunately, the other guidance you've received is true. She's an adult. She's going to make her own decisions regardless of what you say/do. You can tell her you're worried about her, and try to outline what SPECIFICALLY your concerns are, but you're not going to be able to "make" her do the right thing. I never did anything even remotely illegal in high school. When I got to college, I started drinking. Not immediately; I was actually halfway into my first semester before I started doing it. Did my mom know what I was doing? I have no idea. She probably had her suspicions (she had to come up and help me with my car the night after a Halloween party and I was probably more than just a little hungover). She never said a word to me about it, though. I managed never to get into any trouble with it, but if I had, I imagine the talk I would have gotten would have been more disappointment than anything.

She's really going to have to figure all of this out on her own. :( I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear.

She has to work through this on her own. She is 19, she should be able to make good choices by now. Since she is not about the only way she will learn is from her bad choices.

You just cannot bring her home and somehow teach good choices.

People used to think I was nuts making my kids make their own choices when they were younger but I would rather them learn the consequences of a bad choice when a bad choice meant little. The one I took a hard line with thrived in college, the one I bailed out too soon sounded a lot like your daughter his freshman year.

He is 24 now and a viable member of society but damn there were some rough patches.

It is past time for you to transition. She is an adult. The best thing you can is let her live with the consequences of her actions. If she gets kicked out of school and has to come back home to live with you, what rules will you have in place for an adult living under your roof?

If she were my daughter and ended up getting kicked out of school, if she came back to my home to live, I would require rent (because grown people have to be responsible for the roof over their heads, the clothes on their backs and the food in their stomachs). There would also be a curfew because you can't just come into my home whenever you feel like it. If she couldn't abide by the rules in my home then it would be time for her to move on and out.

She is an adult. You have done all of the hard work and now is the time for life to teach her. Love her but do nothing, it's her to live. Pray for her to adapt and adjust.

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...
Please read this.
It is an article in the National Geographic Magazine. On, Teenagers and their development etc.

Yes, there is drinking and drugs and sex in college.
Therefore, I would hope, that your daughter is informed about STD's and birth control and about all the stats on drinking and drugs.
She already went drinking with a boy and didn't get home until the next morning.

My parents would have been more than shocked, if they knew everything I did while in college.

If you are paying the bills...then you have some say in the matter. 20 minutes is not a very long commute...and the money you save on dorm costs could be saved for graduate school.

If you are paying the bills...then sit her down and let her know she had has her chances to prove she was being a responsible adult and has shown she is not acting responsibly. Let her know she has one more chance to pull things together...and make sure you include making decent grades in her classes (after all isn't that why she is at college).

If she does have another alcohol or disciplinary issue...she moves home for spring semester (and foreseeable future)...OR if her grades are not good same deal she moves home. No sense in paying thousands of dollars for her to party and get things on her adult record that she can never get off and will haunt her when trying to find a job. Know how many jobs check for alcohol or drug related charges and legally becasue of their insurance can NOT hire people with those charges on their record??? A LOT!!!

If you don't control the money...then pray...pray a lot for her...sounds like she has freedom and is going to go wild with it for a while... HUGS!!!

She is a young adult, testing the waters and heck, college is one of the best times of life!~!

Be there to offer advice if she is talking to you, otherwise step back. I'm sure she knows that you are there for her. Let her stretch her wings a little, hopefully this will be a short phase!

M

All you can do now is guide her by tricking her to ask you for directions.

By tricking her I mean you have to do somethings differently such as respond differently when you find out she has made a foolish decision, she maybe used to you flipping out on her so turn it around and say to her "wow I hate you got yourself in a pickle let me know what I can do"," I am on my way to the store so call me if you need me" and hang up and pray she calls you back for advice!

You have to figure out what works for you and her. She has to find herself.

I have the same vote as the others that she's 19; she's in college; let her make her mistakes. I vote this way as.......I did the same.

It took me getting kicked out of college after my freshman year (I went to community college for a semester and then re-applied and went back) to turn things around. My parents had 'talks' with me - such as "is there a problem we should be addressing (meaning drinking), etc.?" But that was it. It was MORITFYING when I got kicked out and had to move back to my small town where everyone new everything about everyone........they all knew I screwed up........oh, and like your daughter, I was a shy follower before that too........

She'll learn, I promise. I turned out pretty well - I just had to learn some hard lessons before I could mature.....on my own.

___________________________________

Oh - I also wanted to mention - I paid my bills, tuition, etc.......so, to this day I am so mad at myself for wasting that time and money - again, lesson learned.

There's not much you can do. You can't make her move home. She is 19; she can live anywhere she wants, including under a bridge!

The only thing you can do is tell her you're cutting off the money if she doesn't straighten up. And then, if she doesn't cut it off.

There comes a time when we have to let our kids go and this is it for you. You have done your best to teach her right from wrong; good choices from bad. Now those choices and their consequences are all on her.

If she asks for advice, give it. Otherwise, just be there to catch her when she falls, but DON'T fix everything she screws up for her. She will not learn unless she has to clean up her own mess.

Why is she living in a dorm if she is only 20 minutes from home? Who is paying for her to live in a dorm? If she is supporting herself and her living arrangment, she is an adult and can do as she pleases. If she is living at home while going to school, even though she is technically an adult she would still need to follow the rules of your home. If you are paying for her to stay in a dorm, stop. Tell her she can move home and follow your house rules, or she can pay for her own dorm.

So, I read through the other responses, and no one else thought it was strange that she was living in a dorm 20 minutes from home. I'm wondering if this is a cultural thing in the US? Here the only people who stay in dorms are the ones who come from out of town or out of province. I've never heard of someone staying in a dorm instead of at home.

If it makes you feel any better, it's really common for kids to go a little crazy when they first move away from home.

My opinion is that at 19, she's an "adult." If you are paying for her college, then you have a right to dictate how you would like her to live (although you will have a hard time enforcing it).

If you are not paying for her college, then IMO you really can't dictate anything.

Drinking is pretty normal in college, as is sex. I suggest you have a drinking and driving conversation with her, as well as a birth control/STD conversation.

Listen to how Pam frames it, below.

She is testing her boundaries and figuring out who she is for herself, which may be a different person from who you expect her to be. I think this is totally normal. Many many students go a little crazy their first semester or two, and then find a happy medium. And I think if you try to crack down too much, it will backfire on you.

That said, if you are paying for school, you do have some control. You can make it clear to her that she is there to get an education and keep her grades up. You could set a trigger point on her first semester GPA, and if she get below, for example, a 2.5, she will have to move home.

The other thing you can do is encourage her to be involved on campus. Students who have their spare time occupied by student government, theatre, clubs, and other organizations don't have as much free time to get into trouble. So if you know she had these types of interests before, encourage her to seek them out on campus. If she mentions any interest in these types of groups now, even if she didn't in high school, encourage it. She can find friends who are focused on more worthwhile things.

Don't lose faith in your daughter. Right now it's most important for you to convey to her that even though her current behavior isn't consistent with your values, you HAVE faith in her, and that you trust that even though she is going through this testing phase, once the newness of college wears off, she'll think through her decisions and make good ones for her future.

Yes, she is 19, and old enough to make her own decisions . . . even though those decisions may be the "wrong" ones to someone who is more mature. I put the quotes around the word wrong because while they may not be good choices at the time, if she learns from her mistakes, they end up worth it in the end. You can give her all the guidance in the world, but she is old enough that she can listen but not necessarily go out and follow the advice you gave her. Short of following her around constantly, there is not much you can do about the fact that there will be times when she is with others who may not be as good of an influence.

Here are my thoughts on making her move home . . . Who pays for tuition and room/board? If you do, then you have every right to make her move home and enforce some rules (while she might be mad for a while). This could be a great thing, or it could backfire big time in that she might rebel against you to the extreme. If your daughter is paying her own way, there is not much you can do but hope she will pick up the phone and listen to you once in a while. Whatever you do, I am sure it will not feel right to you, at least in the beginning. Don't let that discourage you . . . those feelings are only because you love your daughter. Good luck with everything.

Maybe I'll feel differently when my girls are in college but I hope they do some crazy, wild and fun things while there! College was the best 4 years of my life... If it's a hardship for you to pay for her to live in the dorms, then by all means she either has to shape up or come home but if this has been in your plans, let her stay in the dorms until she brings home some C's and below. There's a huge difference between commuting to college and living there. I matured a ton by living away from home and again, best 4 years of my life. The friends I made, the experiences I had etc are priceless. What she's doing sounds pretty normal. I'd set some ground rules in terms of grades and stuff and then let her figure it out for herself. I wasn't even 18 when I went to college and was able to figure it out and most kids did. There were the few that failed out from partying but it was the minority. Most of us had a blast and went on to be successful. Even a friend who did get kicked out - or did he fail out or both, eventually graduated from a slightly lesser school but now is making probably high 6 figures or better... Another friend was on academic suspension one quarter and if i gave you his name you could google him and get an estimate of his net worth over $10mm I'm sure. Try not to worry too much or freak out on her. i do believe a student has to maintain decent grades though... I'll pay full load for my kids but not if I can tell they're not worrying about their school work at all.

She is tasting freedom for the first time in her life. She is being shown a lifestyle that is exciting and fun. She is going to continue to do this as long as she is in the dorms. BUT if you pull the plug on that be prepared for her to move out on her own with whomever will let her have a place to sleep for either sexual favors or letting her sleep here for a few days and then go there for a few days then move to somewhere else for a few days....it's better for her to stay in school than to live that lifestyle and become used to it.

I think that contacting the dorms and talking to her RA might show you some good ways to interact with her about this. If she flunks out this semester the whole thing will fall into your lap. She's an adult and has the right to come and go as she pleases. If you put curfews and other stuff on her she won't "obey" she will just leave.

Providing a safe haven that is loving and supportive is important when that happens. Allowing her to make mistakes then being there to help her through it is wonderful too. She will learn that when she's wrong you won't judge her and that you'll love her no matter what.

I hate to say it but there isn't much that can be done. She's away from home, finding out what living away from mom and dad is like, doing things she never did before now....

Although I'm not condoning it, as it has gotten way out of hand at universities these days, I am saying it is a discovery time. They're learning what social activities they like or don't like, learning about themselves and other people. I did the same thing when I went away to college. I didn't apply myself or have any college goals or focus. But I developed socially. I don't regret that at all. I do wish I'd been more scholastically motivated tho. My mom's only so called faith in me was sending a tuition and dorm fees. That isn't what I call/called encouragement.

You can set her down and have a long talk with her. Appreciate she's 19 and old enough to make her own decisions, but that she doesn't appear to be making wise ones. You can suggest she straighten up or the tuition is discontinued. And if she moves back home she will be required to get a job and pay for her living expenses until she decides to focus on her education and not partying. I think that's about the max you can do.