Contantly Criticized by Peers.

Here's a little different perspective from the other posts.

Maybe you do sound kind of judgemental when you give this advice and these peers feel slighted by you and then act defensively (and rudely) in return.

Maybe they just want a friendly ear and don't really want you to tell them what to do. I know they're asking you, but people sometimes ask for advice when all they really want to hear is "It sounds like bedtime is really hard for you and you're exhausted. You're a good mom, just hang in there."

If they then ask "What would you do, V.?" Then reply... "this is what works for me and I am blessed that it works for us. It may not always work out for me but here's how I get the kids to bed."

You raise your kids the way you and their father have decided is best and be thankful that it works out for you. You can't listen to others criticizing your parenting.

You can listen to critiques on how others perceive your friendship and personal communication style and decide to change if you're losing friends or chat time with peers.

There are times my best-friend sounds a bit uppity and I'll mention it to her or sometimes she'll catch herself and say "just stop me when I talk like that!"... She's not trying to act uppity it's just her personal style of talking and she is aware of it.

As for myself, a friend of mine yelled at me one time to "just stop it!" when we were talking and I realized that what I thought of as counting my blessings out-loud sounded an awful lot like bragging.

Try to put yourself in the peer/friend postion and understand their needs. Think about how you might appear to them. Maybe they feel judge by you. Maybe they don't understand you.

None of us are perfect and we all have challenges.

If you're getting constant criticism then I think you have to take a hard look at yourself. Even in your post you give the impression of superiority. There are all kinds of parenting styles and everyone has to decide which is best for their family, just because it's not your style doesn't make it wrong. Structure is very important to children and rules and a schedule have a place, but so do spontaneity and flexibility. You asked for advice so I hope for your and your children's sake you really were seeking advice and not just looking for validation.

V.,
It does sound like you're perfect...or at least you're doing all the things the parenting books say to do. However, if more than 1 person is snubbing you, there must be something wrong with your approach (unless you're hanging out with a really *bitchy* group of women). Some things that might be rubbing them the wrong way are:

1. You're giving advice when your friends are just looking to vent. If you want to offer a suggestion, you might want to start it with "Have you ever tried....?" instead of "I do this and don't have ANY problems." Also, try and draw on parenting ideas you've heard/read for suggestions, not just what you do.

2. Maybe you come across as smug. The last part of your post sounds a little like you think your way is the "right" way to raise children. It definitely IS right for YOU, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. But, it's not necessarily the right thing for others. For instance, I don't have strict nap/feeding times for my kids...I prefer to teach them flexibility - they sleep/eat when they need it. HOWEVER, I realize this is NOT for everyone - but it's right for my family.

Without knowing you or the other women, it's hard to know what's really going on. You may not be doing anything wrong - they may just be catty and hateful and you need to find a new group of friends. Either way, I wish you the best of luck!

At first reading, it sounds to me like the problem is with your friends. From your description, they seem to be a competitive bunch. You simply refer to them as "peers", you don't even call them friends. If the group is toxic, always putting people down, it may be better to not associate with them. Find one or two close girlfriends who accept you just the way you are.

There are two sides to every argument. On the other hand, no one likes a "know it all" Mom. Not that you are, but that might be how you are perceived. You say you state your opinion about things, but maybe examine how you answer those questions.

Just a personal story, my MIL is always giving me unsolicited advice. She always tells me, "I had my kids on a schedule, etc" and "I always got up early to do all the housework and laundry before I had to get the kids up for school so I had time to myself in the evening." There is nothing wrong with either statement, but her tone always implies that if I do exactly as she did, I won't have problems. It always rubs me the wrong way, because although in itself, it is simply a statement, the tone she uses makes it sound like a criticism. Her way is the only right way. I try to take her comments with a grain of salt, because I also hear from my husband that most of what he remembers growing up is his mom always yelling.

Good Luck!
K.

V.: There certainly is a great range of parenting styles and thats a good thing. I noticed you gave a lot of explanation here of how/ why you do things how you do with your kids. STOP! You raise your kids the way you do because it is what works, and because as a loving mom, it is what you feel is best for your family. As hurtful as your friends may be, you do not need their approval (or ours) for your parenting style.

In fact, I am the exact opposite of you. At home (as opposed to in public), I really let my son do most anything he finds fun, we make messes, he goes to bed when he feels like it. And that is just what works for us.

My opinion you and I are BOTH great moms. we evaluate our own priorities, needs, and goals. Then, we raise our children accordingly, BOTH with love.

Keep it up!

I think it may be more of a feeling that they feel they are being criticized by you for not being as structured. For my family, that kind of structure would not work, but if you started telling me (even if I asked) how you did things, I would probably feel like a "bad mom". We all have those feelings enough on our own, so any criticism from others amplifies those feelings. Maybe next time, temper your advice with a "this works for me, but may not work for you", or just be a listening ear and don't really give advice. Also, instead of relating what works for you, look at the other persons family style and see if there are suggestions that would work for them, but not necessarily for you.

Sounds like you're doing a great job with your kids. I wouldn't change a thing, and yes, our parenting styles are different. Sounds like you've been doing an incredible job with both of them, and your ex for that matter.
Like several other moms though, it sounds to me like you may need to change the way you interact with your peers. Are you the one being critical of them? Perhaps they are being critical of you as a knee-jerk response to the way you are talking to them, or imposing your style of parenting. The fact that anyone says "we're not all perfect like you" makes me think you might be condescending to them. Are you disapproving of the way they are raising their children? Try to listen to yourself- are you talking down to them? I kind-of get that impression from your post. Every child and every parent is different. That's what makes the world great! If I am wrong about the way you treat your friends, I apologize. If that's the case, then you need to look for new friends!

V.,
Who are you hanging around with? Are people really being this critical? Each family has their own style of doing things. Be comfortable with your choices and these folks won't bother you so much. Your rant makes me wonder about what really is irking you. Maybe you have not found your niche. Find some non-judgemental friends......and don't judge them either. I'm sure your children are wonderful, but I am going to tell you even people that do things a good or smart way with their kids may have difficulties with them. Surround yourself with supportive people. You may need them someday.

You sound just like my mom and she raised 6 very successful children. They are just jealous. When they say this, just take it as a compliment.

Be careful how you say it. I would start by saying something like, "Since you asked...." I would never volunteer advice. Only give it when solicited. If you feel you have to do this, start by saying "Well, for me, this works....." People only object to being told what to do, not being told what works for you.

Good luck and good parenting!!!

D. Kimbriel
Grandma to 2 beautiful boys

V., it sounds like jealousy to me - and I'm jealous. I told myself years ago that I wouldn't allow my son to watch so much tv and I wish I had stuck to it. Now he is so glued to it - he get's upset when I take it away.

You are teaching your children responsibility and to appreciate their time together and appreciate the love you have for them.

You're doing a marvelous job - keep it up.

I would just ignore your peers - you have to do what you think is best and it seems to be working

L.

You have to do what is right for you and your family. Don't worry what everyone thinks or says..... Hubby and I have a saying that we repeat to each other when we are judged or someone comments on our style...."I will be glad to follow all their advice when they are the ones paying my mortgage"

I am looked at differently myself...I am not on a rigid schedule, I am very open minded and welcome my daughter to talk about anything, I do spoil my daughter by doing a lot of things for her, yes I am her parent. My responsibility is to provide her with the best start I possibly can and I know everyone does not agree with my parenting style.

My daughter is expected to do well in school and she is expected to be responsible with her extra-curricular activities. We support her choices and support her individuality. In turn, she has her college funded, her first car and no worries about her parents being on her side no matter what.

Every family has their own dynamic that works best for them. You just do what you have to do for yours.

Maybe I read into your post a different way.....but when you talk to your "friends" do you come across a little uppity and superior? I see that more so than jealousy. I steer away from people who come across like they know everything. NO ONE is perfect.

hmmm, sounds like your "structure" might be a little more in-depth than what you wrote on your post. i do things like that, and I NEVER get criticized. What are you doing that's so different?

When people respond negatively to you they probably feel like they are being judged. Whether or not you are judging, they may feel this way. You can always say this is what works for us and listen to others and let them know when you think they hve good ideas. We all want to feel good and hear we are doing good job.

Hi V.,
It sounds like you are doing everything that works just perfect for your family. So, don't ever doubt it, despite what anyone tells you.

I do a lot of these things myself, such as limit TV (my son is under 2 years old, so we do NO TV with him, as recommended by the AAP), try to keep him to a schedule (although there's about a 1/2 hour flex in there, it's not a "no exceptions" kind of rigidity) because I'd always heard that a consistent schedule each day is supposed to make them feel greater comfort and stability.

Where you need to be careful when speaking with other moms about these things, though, is to not sound especially rigid or even judgmental in your tone. Even if you feel that you aren't using one of these tones, advice or opinions can sometimes be phrased in such a way as to make another mother feel you are being "superior"...especially if they are especially sensitive because they feel unsure about what they're doing (if they were sure about their activities, then they probably wouldn't be asking another mom about their opinion, right?)

Whenever I give my opinion to my friends, I try to sound humble and acknowledge that my way might not be the best way by ending with "but that's what works for OUR family. Something different might work for YOURS"...

Just BE SENSITIVE. The only reason that your peers would be saying "well we aren't all perfect like you" is because you didn't sound that way or because they themselves are insensitive people that you don't want to hang around unless absolutely necessary. (you can bet your kids are hearing that friction and how is that good?)

I hope this helps!
D.

HI, V.. Perhaps what your "peers" are responding to is not your style or the schedule in general, but the inflexibility, as you call it. Maybe it is because we can't control everything in life, and some people feel that this in itself is a very important thing to teach to our children. Many of us would have no problem hearing that a person has an "8:30 bedtime"-- so do my kids. However, it is the "no exceptions" part that they are responding to. Perhaps there is a family TV show on that runs until 9 that everyone would enjoy watching. Or perhaps there is an activity in the community that lasts a bit later.... or it is the weekend and a friend is over. Perhaps they were invited to a friend's house and wanted to be able to skip their daily chore-- what it is the harm in doing it for them every now and then to show them that you care. It is important that we teach our children to be flexible so that they are able to cope in the world. I definitely think that is what they are responding to. Perhaps they can learn something from you, AND you can learn something from them at the same time??

Maybe it isn't WHAT you're saying, but HOW you're saying it.

As Tracie O's post said, often women just want to vent or get affirmation that they're doing okay. Think about times when a man has tried to "solve your problem" when you really just wanted to TALK. Could this be what you're doing, and holding yourself up as the authority on parenting?

Notice that a lot of these posts are AFFIRMING your parenting practices and calling you a good M.. Maybe that's what these other mothers want. They might be good moms, too, just with a different style than you have.

If this happens over and over, it may be a sign that something is grating on other people in the way you tell them about your parenting practices. While some people may disagree about details and preferences, it shouldn't make them angry to the point of not talking to you.

you are raising well behaved , responsible kids the old fashioned way and if your "peers" can't handle it, to you know where with them.
trust me in the long run they'll wish they even attempted to take control
that's the problem kids need parenting not an adult friend
keep doing what you're doing

I wouldn't worry about it. I do similar things with my 2 year old. He goes to bed at 7 every night, he is not allowed to sleep in my bed nor do I sleep in his. We eat about the same time everyday, and nap is between 1/1:30 and 3:30/4. This way he knows what to expect. I think it is easier on him and on me to know what to expect. I do let my watch some tv while I get things done in the morning. I feel the same way you do when I tell others his schedule. I am constanly asked why I won't change it, but he knows what to do and when to do it. And I like know when I can accomplish some things with out his special help.

I think you should do what works for you and if other critize you just ignore them.

Maybe they are just responding to your criticism of them! By saying "I'm not selfish" because you make your children go to bed at 8:30 p.m. is kinda saying that those moms that don't get their kids to bed at that time are selfish. I would take offense to that too. Everyone has their own way. Even mommy and daddy have different ways of doing things. My mom let me sleep with her for a long time and I think she was an EXCELLENT mother. I'll be honest, when that story came out about the man who broke into a home and tried to steal a toddler out of his mother's arms, I let my son sleep right next to me and I held him all night. It sounds like you have everything figured out and your way works for you. That is great! I'm sure that everyone could learn a little bit from you and you may even be able to learn a bit from someone else. There is nothing wrong with the way you care for your children because you clearly love them and want whats best for them. So does everyone else. Sadly, there are parents out there that shouldn't be parenting at all! We hear about them on the news every single day! I feel sorry for those kids. But I doubt that any of your friends are in that category. Just keep loving your kids and be mindful that your friends love their kids too and moms beat themselves up all the time anway. They don't need help in that area. Even though you are trying to help, you may come across as saying that your way is the right way and the only way and it may put people on the defensive. Each child is different, each parent is different and we should just celebrate in the mixture of it all that makes up our world. We should all say a little prayer each night for those children that don't get the care that most mothers and fathers give to their children.

V.,

Wow I can relate. I think sometimes we are so passionate and strong about our beliefs that we can come off as proud, conceited etc. I have been working double time the last few years to change the way people perceive me. Not because I want to be how people want me to be but because I agree. I can sometimes be too strict and not flexible at all and I realized that not everyone can be like me. Its ok to state your opinion when asked but try to do it in a way that does not sound like you are better than others because you know better, even if you do :)
I also think that some people are just way too sensitive and it goes both ways you might have a few friends/relatives that are insecure and your security makes them feel less sure of themselves. Just be who you are and try to think about the way you say things. You also cant walk on eggshells to make people happy, in time you will find a middle ground.

V.,
Sounds like you are doing an awesome job. Maybe you need to find more supportive friends.

Someone did make a good point thought--if someone else starts talking about their situation, ask them, "Do you want a solution or do you just need me to listen?"
Good luck and God bless.

I know you have gotten a tremendous amount of responses but I couldn't help it. I just want to tell you...Good For You!!! I have immersed myself in my daughters school and I can't tell you enough how a lack of good parenting is absent in so many of our kids today, it is very sad! So keep your head up because you are doing the right thing teaching manners and such.... KUDOS!

Everybody is different and nobody is perfect. Some of your ways will be fabulous and work wonderful and others will fall flat. Who cares! Sounds like what you really need are new friends. These other people are either jealous or too judgmental. Real friends support you and yes they may tell you their opinion that you are to strict or crazy but they will still love you. Time to move on! Enjoy your time. You will make parenting mistakes like we all do....but some mistakes don't surface until they are in their 40's and by then they can learn from them and go on to be even a better parent than you. That's our or my ultimate goal..... That i am a better mom than mine is and that my girls will be better moms than me.

Are you offering advice to them without them requesting advice? Sometimes we moms just need to voice what we are coping with, but we don't necessarily want someone to "fix" our issues for us. If a friend is voicing a concern or complaining simply kindly say "oh, that's a rough thing to deal with" or "that has to be exhausting..." have sympathy without correction or telling them how you run your children- after all, she is talking about her child and her house and her emotions. When you instead turn the issues back to how you do things it can come across as being self centered as if you are not really listening to their concerns and being concerned (although that may not at all be how you feel). My advice is to focus on listening and try to use less statements that start with "I" in response to their "I" statements. Allow the conversation to be focused on them. Bringing up how you do things well and how well adjusted your children are almost sounds like a different way of saying "I must be better than you are" though you might not mean that- it's how it can be perceived.

I would first say if its working for you great. Keep doing it if people critical then it is there issue.

When people are critical or offer unsolicited opinions- we smile and say thank you we will take your thoughts into concideration and let it drop. When we receive sarcastic praise we just again say thank you as though it were missed. Like oh your the perfect stay at home mom you don't even care the kids mess up the house. I just say oh thanks its nice to receive such a kind word from you. It tends to stop it quick. When people ask nosey questions I smile and say "I hope you will forgive me for not answering and I will forgive you for asking such a personal question." It stops.

That said it sounds like you may be being critical of others with different styles. I have a way different parenting style and it works for my family - I have three very succesful children.I could take things in your questionn personaly if I chose to. I just want to caution you to extend to others the same courtesy with you would like to be treated and be careful of how you phrase things.

Basically, it's none of their business. Sounds like you need to be around more positive people. I think all kids need structure and the fact that they're not is pretty much what's wrong with a lot of kids today (mine included). If I had it all to do over again, I would've done things differently. I started off like you did, but as they got older and more challenging (teens), it was very hard to be consistent. I say do what you feel is best for your kids.

V.,

Seems like you need to find new friends. You seem like a good person and an excellent mom. Good for you for giving your kids age appropriate chores and not letting them sleep in your bed! My husband and I don't let our kids sleep in our bed, either. We also have a strict bedtime for our kids (although it doesn't always work out that way, but the point is, we try, and I commend you for sticking to their bedtime). Kids need structure, and you are doing everything right. These moms you are hanging out with appear to be jealous of you and how organized you are. Shame on them for judging you! People who judge other people are insecure about themselves. I'm sure they only wish they had their kids on a bedtime schedule! Sorry they are being so mean to you. You deserve better than that.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with your kids. You've gotten good advice from the other moms. Each family/parent/child is different and you have to do whatever works for you and your family -- and that might not work for anyone else!

You sound like a great mom to me. Maybe they are just jealous.

You go girl!!! To me, being a mom is about doing as much for and with our kids as we can. It's not about living up(or down) to others standards. I stayed home with ours and loved every minute of it. We did play dates, went to the park, the mall, musuems,and traveled. We went by car and saw lost of places along the way. We'd play games, build forts and castles, paint, color, play dress up, and have fun. We'd have popcorn in the afternoon while all snuggled up watching a Disney movie on a rainy day. Those things can never be replaced and the time together has made them loving and caring adults. Who cares what everyone else thinks, they're just envious of you. Maybe they were never taught to nurture, or they feel having kids is just a status symbol. Being a good mom is the most special gift in the world. The more you enjoy it and take part in their lives, the less you can look back and regret. Don't worry about what others think, my son was called a little girl when he was 4 by another dad. It was all because he had manners, wasn't mean to others, and didn't destroy his toys or others. I would rather have a respectful, loving, and happy child, than one that's a potato couch. So go hug them and play with them now before it's too late. You can never get these years back. Again, you go girl.

It sounds like you're doing a great job but am unsure of what your question is for us?

Happy kids make great people. If your kids are happy then you are doing something right.

I agree find new friends. Maybe you will run across someone like yourself with the same values and have a long time dear relationship. Can't please everyone. :) c

PS: Just read your response. Didn't know you were a single mom. Very good for you. Structure and firmness will be required more for you than two parent families. What you do today will save you and your kids when they are teens. More you and less TV will give them someone at home to trust and talk to instead of their peers. Good for you. Keep the faith. c

I say "Good job Mom!!" There is nothing wrong with limiting our childrens TV time, video games... anything. I have to agree with the other posts and say jealousy, because maybe they wish they had been more strict and consistent but just werent strong enough. Keep it up.... After all we are raising the next generation that will run our country.. we want it ran right, so thats why we teach them how we do!

YOU ROCK!!!
You are an AWESOME mom!!
We're never going to hear on the local news about your kids getting in to trouble. You sound like you completely have your life together in regards to raising your kids. If there were a billion moms just like you our world would be a much better place. Don't listen to those other people that are obviously jealous of you and try to put YOU down so they can feel better about themselves.

I'm 100% with YOU. I didn't read any of the other posts, so I don't know what kind of feedback you received. But, I'm a single mom of 2 kids too - and we need a schedule in order to make it all work. And, I need some "me" time at the end of the day and so the kids bedtime is really inflexible to me. And honestly, we would not get to do anything fun if they didn't help me around the house. They are expected to help with the table and putting clothes away, etc. Then, that allows us to have time to go to the park or whatever. Raising children properly is perfectly fine!

I am fortunate because my close friends raise their kids the same way I do mine. However, a few of my son's friends are not raised the same way he is and I am really starting to have problems with him spending time with those friends. When he comes home after playing with them, I have to deprogram him for weeks, it seems like - with language and inappropriate behavior.

-L.

My kids are older now but I had them on a very structured schedule when they were small. I believe it was good for both them and me and helped them feel secure. You need to do what you think is best and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Other Moms shouldn't not be your friend because of that. Everyone has their own parenting style and we all have to respect each other in the choices we make. It sounds to me like you are a great Mom and what you are doing with your children will pay off someday.

Sounds like you're doing great. Why would anyone say "I couldn't do that to them" and admit to "not being that kind of mom"? Don't they realize how bad TV watching is? What you are going through is similar to what we have gone through when it comes to diet. My son is two, I breast feed until he was 15 months and he almost weaned himself off on his own. I got a lot of negative comments about how long I breast fed. Some people tried to get me to stop at 7 months. Also, we got a lot of negative comments about buying the expensive chemical free Born Free bottles, using only organic foods and being vegetarians. If anyone asks what we are doing/eating, and I explain our eating choices, they often act like I am attacking their eating habits. The bottom line is that people know in their hearts that what they are doing may not be the best for their child and don't want to hear about someone else having the discipline and putting in the work to do it right.

V., my parenting style is different from yours, but it works for me, just as what you do obviously works for you. If our kids are healthy, happy, and respectful, and know where the boundaries are, we're doing a good job.

You made me smile with your story about your friends' comments about not being that kind of mom. One of my friends actually left my daughter's 4th birthday party that I had worked really h*** o* and gone all out for, saying, "Well, you know you're on every other mom's [bleep] list now." (Funny, back in my day, we used to say, "My child and I had a lovely time, thank you for inviting us." ;) ) Anyway, if people feel threatened by how you rear your children (or how I celebrate my only living child's birthday), it's because they wish they had the time/inclination/self-discipline to do the same. It has nothing to do with you or how you present yourself. Keep up the good work, and try to understand that your friends aren't mad at you--they're mad at themselves for not doing things the way you do, since your way is obviously working so well.

V.,

I am completely on board with you. That is how my husband and I raise our kids and we are always complimented on the people that they are.

I know where you are coming from - you are not a strict jacka**, but you have your expectations. There is nothing wrong with teaching your children responsibility! I wish more parents would take the time to put so much effort into their kids. If they did, maybe it wouldn't be so much torture going out to get shopping done! >:(

Good job to you! Just wait until your kids are a bit older - you are going to be able to have SO MUCH fun with them because you all will be so close!

Sounds to me like your doing the exact right thing. In a world of self centered,undisiplined children it is nice to see someone who is trying to teach there children responsibility. thank you!

I think that each mom gets a sense of what works for her children and her household. I would let yourself feel confident that you are doing well by your children and making good choices. But also allow for the fact that other moms may be making just as good but different choices for their children. Ultimately your closest friends will probably be moms who have similar beliefs as you, but very different people can also be great friends as long as they agree not to judge. Good luck.

You are doing an outstanding job!!!!! I manage my home in much the same way. I think you are doing what is best for your kids. I sometime think that we need more parents to really care and do more of this type of raising than what is out there. God will bless you and Your children will call you blessed. I'm thankful that your ex is on board too.
God has told us in the Bible that we are not of this world, but we have to live in it. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I encourage you to keep on with what you are doing. What's right for your home may not be what others think is right for theirs, but that is their opinion. Only the futures of our children will tell.
Good Luck and God Bless.

Hi V., just thought I would offer some words of encouragement. I raise my kids a lot like you do. At the ages of 15 and 10 we still have 9:30 and 8:30 bedtimes. They don't watch much tv, instead they are sent outside or we are busy with one of their millions of sports or activities. They do 3 chores each every day on top of putting away their clean laundry and keeping their beds made and rooms clean. Yes, it may sound strict and some moms don't understand or think we're strange or obsessive BUT I can say this... my kids don't backtalk, can go anywhere anytime with anybody and know how to behave, and are very happy, well rested, very rounded kids. I wouldn't trade any of this for the world... who cares what anyone else thinks!

Better late than never, here is my two cents. I have been in your shoes. When peers ask me things, I remember that they are peers and just tell them I read alot of books to help me be a good mom. I don't think you are doing anything out of the ordinary. I have 3 boys and people cringe when they see us come in somewhere. Then they see that they are well behaved, well mannered, courteous and respectful and they are amazed that 3 boys could act so nice. which is sad because they are being conditioned to put up with brats.
I will tell you right off I am a drill sergeant with high expectations. But we have alot of fun and they do have alot of freedom because I trust them to act well and to have a certain personal accountability because they know what their boundaries are. I also think that the earlier you are a drill sergeant the easier it will be when they are older, mine are currently 14, 12 1/2 and 9. They obey me, are respectful etc.
As for people that don't agree, well everyone is entitled to have an opinion and I tell them that what we do works for us. I can also tell you that I tell mine "no" alot for things their peers get to do. Because I don't believe that it is appropriate for them. Most people that are my real friends are fine with it, everyone else I just pay attention to.
I will also tell you that we don't watch tv, don't have cable and don't pick up anything by rabbit ears either. I expect them to play and have fun. Their electronic time is limited also. I also force them to do swimmming laps and gymnastics to stay healthy. As we homeschool these are not options but their required PE. As for other sports they can take it or leave it. But they can't come up with anything to substitute for them, so they do those unless they really want to do anything else, which would be nothing if I let them.
So anyway, I wouldn't worry about anyone else or justifying your parenting style. There will always be someone who disagrees etc. You just have to do what is right for you.
Good luck,
L., AKA the Sarge

children need boundaries. that's what we must give them. it's what they respond to and what they consider love.
you are doing a great job! keep it up!

why is all that seen as being a different mom. I was raised with all that you layed out and raise mine as the same. My kids too are happy and well-rounded in life. More power to us right!

I understand what you are experiencing. I had different views that most of my friends re: raising my children. I didn't share my thoughts about it too much because they didn't agree with me and took my ideas as offensive to their type of lifestyle. My children did not watch TV Mon-Thur because it conflicted with homework. My children are grown and I still have never subscribed to cable TV. I did believe in flexiblity with chores on occasion. I think a rigid lifestyle is too controlling. I'm pretty anal about organization, etc but had to learn to embrace my middle dauther's creative personality. I'm an accountant and her dad is an engineer. She loved Art. Entered college in Art, transferred to Advertising and is now successful in NYC and way ahead of her peers. She learned responsibility and achieving goals and hopefully lots of self esteem b/c I allowed them to voice their opinions that were different than mine. Often I accepted their views if it didn't cause them harm, and was flexible. I felt they could delay their chore a day if they had something important to them to do at that moment. I don't believe in 'conforming' to the world, b/c I disagree with most of it. I moved my children to private Catholic schools once my oldest started being sexually harassed in 3th grade! I sacrificed vacations, new cars, bigger house, etc to keep my children safe and happy & challenged in school. Several years after I moved my children out of our neighborhood schools, my friends started asking my about my decision b/c they were beginning the have problems. I was always 'swimming up stream' but knew the values and expectations I wanted my children to learn. I wanted my children to learn more in school than they were. They never opened a book and made straight A's. I was told by the school that most parents were complaining of 15 minutes of reading time at night. Listen to yourself. Always contemplate new ideas (especially from your children). Does the decision cause permanent harm? I didn't want my daughter to dye her hair burgundy but realized it wasn't a permanent decision. 3 months later, she didn't want it anymore. (Nothing for her to rebel against...I embraced her creative side.) You know what is best for your children.....Many blessings to you...

I don't know how to help you, except to say I think what you're doing sounds wonderful and perfect for your family. People either feel guilty about not putting more effort themselves (because I think there is a lot of lazy parenting going on) or simply don't understand when people do things different than themselves. As long as you are not expecting them to do the same (even if it would benefit their kids) or judging them, what is their problem? The MOST important thing is that you are doing what you think is best for your children and family, including yourself. I'm the mom who could never let her children cry it out, but I still am very consistent with sleep times - it seems to me that no matter your parenting style, sleep should definitely be important for growing children, and I have NEVER read any experts advice saying "it's helpful if you put your children to bed at different times every night" LOL. I truly don't understand people who have a problem with somebody keeping a schedule. I'm not a very scheduled person, yet when I have a system, things always run smoother, and everyone seems a little bit happier - so I strive to plan more!!! My suggestion, is try to find like-minded people to hangout with, and be honest with your current peers about how you feel. There's a lot of negativity out there, so keep up the good work and know in your heart what is best for your family. Be happy with the results you and your family get as your children grow. Continue teaching them to love, and a love of learning...because that's what life is all about.

I have had this sort of thing happen to me as well (not by a good friend or anything). I did learn through this situation that it is best to not really talk about what you do as the BEST thing b/c moms get really defensive. There was a situation where there was a group of us talking about what we do at dinner. I mentioned that my child eats whatever we eat. Now there were some moms in the group that have older kids than I and the response by one was.."well, I hope that continues to work for you." Another response from a mom was, "I hate when other moms tell me that I need to fix the same thing for my kids as we do for us". Anyway, I just learned through that experience that every mom thinks that they are doing the best thing for their child. If you are asked, what you do. You could politely say something like, "This is what works for me; however, I have heard from other moms that it doesn't. What do you do?" Good luck!!

Good for you!!! Too many parents today want to "make" their kids "happy". I believe that if we teach our children critical things in life, such as respect, honor and empathy, they will naturally "be" happy. They will grow into outstanding, contructive, happy members of society. Today's children are not allowed to fail and therefore do not know the pride which comes from succeeding on their own merits. Too many children "expect" or feel that they "deserve" just because and the parents propogate this behaviour. This causes a society of young people that do not appreciate anything when all of their whims are given in to. I often see parents whose children rule the household, and when asked to do something throw major tantrums (at all ages), and the parents give in to them. Pitiful!!! If others do not agree with the decisions you have made in raising your children that is fine....I'm sure you don't agree with all of the decisions and choices that they have made. But, if they decide to disconnect from you because of our decisions, try to find respite in the knowledge that you are raising children that will not behave as they adults you are dealing with. To turn your back on someone because they have a different approach to something is like deciding to not associate with another person because they go to a different church or are affiliated with a different political group. Not a very "Christian" thing to do. As long as you are not harming them or your children you really don't need to bother yourself with their childish behaviours. Besides, do you really want to associate with people that are so shallow and naive? Remember, you should be able to count your TRUE friends on only one hand for you entire life span...all others are merely acquaintances with which we might have some common ground. Good luck, but don't worry!!

every mom has her own way of doing things. my kids are on a schedule as well, but it isn't always rigid...a little flexibility here and there doesn't hurt, and it doesn't make the household fall apart. my kids know what the rules are and what they are to do, but they also know that mommy can be fun, and spontaneous. my kids do get to watch some t.v..but they are limited on the time they spend watching it, we spend ALOT of time outdoors, and my daughter who will be 7 in A., has already done community projects, so she too sees the world differently. I guess what I am trying to say, is that, my kids learn and discover new things every day, but aren't "tied" to a schedule. Like I said before, you have to do what is right for you..good luck to you and your kiddos.

First of all..congratulations!! Your kids will be grateful later in life. The problem V. is that some people are so inseccure raising kids that they simply don't teach anything. They expect the society will do the work for them - and it will...in a very cruel way. Kids will avoid or will make fun of the ones with poor social skills. I think you are doing a super job for them and for the society. Please keep teaching them real values and you won't regret. Regarding your peers- they are just jealous/envy of you. I would be more careful to give my point of view for these folks ..but wouldn't accept sarcasm in any way.

I agree with Nikki, maybe you jut need new friends. You are not being perfect or strick with your kids. You are just doing what you feel is best. I too run my house very similar. What I say goes, they all have age approprate chores, we do have "sleep over night" on friday nights. My girls get to sleep anywhere in the house (we have 4, 7 & 10 yr old girls)...but not in our beds...I just dont sleep well when they are. If they dont clean up their toys the Toy Fairy will come and take them away. Then the 'earn' them back by getting points (being good, doing things for others, doing choirs, etc.) I'm sure you don't consider yourself perfect or a perfect mom but what you are is the perfect mom for YOUR KIDS!
As far as your friends, have you told them that these comments bother you? Maybe you should start there, and if they dont respect what you are telling them, well maybe they are not your frends (isn't that the advice we would give our children??)
Have a blessed day!

I think what you're doing is commendable, kids need structure and they will love & appreciate you for it. Thats what being a great parent is all about--teaching and raising them in the way they should be raise to be the best they can be. Keep up the good work! You can't please everyone all the time and i personally think in parenting you don't need to please anyone but the good lord who put you in charge of those precious children to do the best job!may god bless you abundantly for doing his good works. Never tire of doing what is right!

Hi V.,

You're doing a great job as a mom, and especially since you're a single mom. You are doing the right things and what’s best for your children. The world would be a much better please, if most parents parented the way you do. I also make my kids go to bed by 8:30am, give them chores, and don’t allow them to sleep in my bed, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Your peers are obviously jealous of you! If they’re letting their kids “run the house”, it’s because they’re either to “lazy” to deal with it, or they don’t know how and are too embarrassed to admit it. You need to tell them that you’re very proud of the way you parent, and that you know that your kids are happy and will grow up to be responsible adults. You should also tell them, that if they’re jealous of you, that maybe they should try your parenting method. Please don’t let them offend you. You should be very proud of yourself! Keep of the good work!

Every one parents differently. I agree with your parenting 100%. Perhaps the other parents wish they could be more disciplined in their parenting style. Your children will thank you one day... Hang in there...

As a mother, especially as a single mother, you're going to get those types of reactions everyday. I know, I'm going through it. But you have to keep in mind that the only thing that matters is that you and your children are happy. My daughter (2 yrs) goes to bed at 8; my best friend's child (4 yrs) goes to bed whenever she's tired, usually around 10 or 11. Yes, I think that's inappropriate but both of our children are happy, because we are their mothers and perfect in their eyes.

Your children love you the way you are; that's all that matters. Everyone has their own way of child rearing--no one way is the correct way. Motherhood is an evolving experience; gotta roll with the punches. So try not to take it personal. HTH

T.

hi V.
i just wanted to say how much i commend you!! :) Your style of parenting is mine as well!! :) i'm very "strict" on how i raise my son b/c i feel its best for him and our family!! :) No matter what other people say....they are not your kids parents'. They are not responsible for your kids and they dont have to deal with any problems along the way! :) You know what works for your family so keep at it and dont worry about anyone else!! :) So glad to hear of someone else who parents like i do!!! :) :) :)
S.

I think you raise you raise your kids according to your beliefs and phooey on what anyone else thinks! I honestly wish I had been more of a scheduled Mom when my kids were growing up. We didn't have a TV until my daughter was 3 and still didn't watch too much until after my son was born. I really wish we hadn't gotten one in the first place. Stick to your guns and keep raising your kids the way you feel is best. Kids need rules and boundaries. I admire you!
Frances

Hi V..

I think too many parents now days forget that they are parents and not thier children's friend. Your children will be more acclimated to be better citizens, employees, students, etc than others who do not have some discipline and responsibilities. I commend you! You know what is best for your family and what works. Don't listen to anyone else. You keep doing what you think is right. I would venture to say that those criticizers may be a bit jealous because I am sure they have more issues to deal with than you do. Children need rules. Take it from someone who had responsibilities, chores, rules, and discipline while growing up.....your kids will appreciate you for it later in life. And they will be better parents themselves for it.

Personally I wouldn't worry about what others think; you will be GREATLY rewarded by God for doing what is best for your children while still maintaining yourself! Do what works best for you and realize frequently others are lazy parents and the only way to make themselves/ourselves feel better is to critisize in others what we are lacking. So maybe look at it as they are paying you a compliment in a negative way b/c that is the only way they know how to function. Don't change your lifestyle or your parenting style b/c someone else speaks negatively of you. You children are thriving and you are the best mom to your kids. Hang in there, love your kids, and love yourself:) God Bless!

WOW! I think you sound like a great Mom! I'm surprised people criticize you. I've found that people don't like to hear that there are other (probably better) ways of doing things. When they ask for advice, they mostly just want to hear that they are doing the best they can and that's all they can do. When you offer them good advice, maybe they feel like you are putting them down because they don't parent the same way as you?? I don't know. I say just keep doing what you are doing and when people ask for advice just tell them that all you know is what works for your family and they have to do what works best for their family. If these people were true friends though, they would appreciate your insight and not feel offended by it...maybe it's time to look for some new friends. Good luck and keep up the great parenting, you sound like you are doing a fantastic job!

V.,

Please don't worry about what others think of your parenting style. I have had experience with both. My ex-husband was very structured so the kiddos had a bath time, meal time, bed time and we always met it to the t....never late...my ex went a little overboard though because he would punish the kiddos for being kiddos....slurping their nooodles off the plate...running late for church because they spilt something on their pants, dress...whatever. When he and I seperated, i felt a need to keep up with being perfect....it was something he put on me...he had put on my kiddos...well...fast forward...we divorced...life was beautiful after that....as a parent of any sort though I have found that my kiddos need to be on a schedule to be at their best...so bed time with us has to be between 8:30-9...or they are very sleepy in the morning when 6:15 comes for school...which always worked fine till i married my new husband. New hubby came with step daughter and my new husband let her climb in bed...fall asleep on the couch...basically she was use to calling all of the shots....and just did not respect him....after numerous arguments about this with him(him telling me that i was just too rule oriented to have a set time for bed, wake up, bath, dinner...you eat when we all eat not when you want too...just simple things) I let go of some of the structure over the past couple of weeks(i am currently almost 9 months preggers...so very tired) and have been doing exactly what he does to his daughter to both of my kiddos....it drives him crazy because then he has to live with that every day...as my kids live with us and his daughter doesn't....so he told me that we need to have structure and consistency with all things....kids need boundries, they need structure to feel loved....as a parent our job is to help, teach, mold our kiddos while they are young so they are able to make good choices on their own when they are grown up. Keep doing what you are doing....and all kids have down times when it comes to divorce...anyone who has been through the situation can relate. I hope and pray only the best things for your family because I know it can be hard....yes children are little only for a short time....but mine have structure, they are respectful and they are some of the happiest most well behaved and friendly children you will ever run across....don't doubt yourself as a mom and don't let anyone else still your joy.....you know your kiddos best... K????

I say "Good for You!" I think it is awesome that you are so involved and strict with your children. In this day and age I feel parents have forgotten how to be parents. In other words they don't teach manners, respect, or responsibility as it should be.

Our kids need to see the world differently and hopefully they can make it a better place.

Would you come and train ME to do that? My kid would sooo benefit from more structure which I am often too lazy to provide. You are the bomb and your kids will benefit from it all the way around. They are way more important than the opinions of friends. If the other moms are not secure enough to honor your choices, they aren't going to be good friends. There are plenty of us out there that can admire and support how great you are, even if we can't do it our own selves. It sounds like you are clear that you don't judge other moms.

I guess the only thing I would say is if your kids are not allowed to go with the flow at other households, then it may keep them from getting invited but it didn't sound like any of your rules affected that. You're an inspiration in my book!

It sounds like you are a great mom!

I'm thinking that you should refrain from giving advice to your friends. If they ask for your opinion just say,"I'm not really sure, it sounds like a difficult situation to be in, whatever works for your family..."

I have been known in the past as a 'goody-two-shoes', and it sounds like you might be looked upon as one as well... It is hard to see the people around you struggle, when the problem seems obvious to you, isn't it?!! People will be people!...they are not going to change, unless they want to.

I think voicing your opinion on mamasource is a good way to share your experiences and opinions with others. Maybe this would be a good avenue for you to use your insight.

Hope this helps,
K.

Don't worry about the critics they are probably jealous. All children need a routine. You are teaching them responsibility around the house and for themselves. No one said parenting was easy. Keep up the good work. When they are in their late teens you can become their friend, right now you are the parent and they are the children. Seek out peers with similar beliefs. You will be fine. The other S.

Please don't let other's shape the way you are raising your kids! As I read your message, I thought "I might say something like that too" but it wouldn't be to critize, it would be because I feel like I've failed in those areas and don't know how you do it. I guess the difference is that I would say "now how do you implement that?" and ask more questions where it seems like the mom's you are talking about quit talking to you. Obviously, without hearing the inflection in your voice when you answer and in their voice when they ask, I have no idea if they think you are coming off "preachy" or if they are just jealous like me that they don't know how to make those rules work & stick! I am also very structured as far as expecting my kids to pick up and stuff like that, we also have a pretty strict bedtime. Please just know you are doing the best for your kids and a schedule is what kids thrive on! I commend you for limiting TV time, and honestly, I think that's why your kids are probably well behaved. I decided this morning to really start limiting my kids TV time b/c I'm tired of the complaining when I ask them to do something - they complain because they are watching TV or playing Wii, etc.

So, stick to your guns!

I think you're an awesome mom! I am not that dedicated but i'm really trying to be. I too am a single mom and i would love to run my household like you do. Give yourself a pat on the back cause you're doing a great job!

sounds to me that you are doing a wonderful job with your kids. you have a responsibility to your kids, not the people who are criticizing you. you are making your kids responsible and respectful. that will help them out in life.

V. - you are doing the right thing for your kids and who cares about those people? They are "haters" as I call them b/c I get the same thing when I talk about my daughter too. My life and schedule revolves around her, her school, her activities, etc. She IS my life! Let them talk or not talk to you and ignore them. They are just envious and should take your example instead. You are also lucky that your ex is following the same style and is actually involved. I, on the other hand, am not that lucky.
I'm convinced that our kids are going to thank us "one of these days" and we will reap the benefits of doing the right thing. Keep up the good work and good luck!

I think some kids have too few responsibilities - they don't have to clean up after themselves, they don't respect their stuff or other people's property, etc. Good for you for having age-appropriate chores for your kids and for keeping them on a regular schedule. As they get older and transition into adulthood, you will have taught them some very important life lessons. My only suggestion is that as they get older, include them in the scheduling process so that they have input in what activities they can and cannot do. This will help them later in life when they have to schedule their homework/project time. And, no matter how much I disagree with the way a parent is raising their child, I would never criticize them. Every parent is different and they have a right to raise their child as they see fit (as long as the child isn't abused in the process).

I had to laugh when I read your post. I did a lot of those same things with my kids when they were little with a few exceptions and I usually found that I was the one criticizing my friends (in my mind) when they told me how they did things.
Keep up the good work, keep your mouth shut when others complain about their lives - train yourself to be a sounding board where they can blow off steam, but not get burnt by it. If you get tired of their bitching about their lives, then do what some of the other mamas suggested: find new friends whose approaches are more similar to yours. We do exist!
A funny little story: My kids didn't know that our TV could receive Saturday morning cartoons until they had stopped wanting to see them! We never let the TV come on! We lived near a creek and they played outside a fair bit.
They had chore charts they had to fill in, only watched public TV shows, read a lot of books, and never ever slept with us - my husband isn't the type to want that - he's a very light sleeper and wakes up at the slightest sound.
A lot of people feel threatened if someone states that they do things differently; they probably feel like they're being criticized.
I like the idea that one mama suggested, that is, to respond something like this when others bring up topics "What works for me is to... (put the kids to bed at 8:30/have a chore chart/ban TV during school days/avoid turning the TV on on Saturday mornings/insist they eat what I serve them/ serve them Mac and Cheese when we have lobster, etc.)

Best policy: lighten up, laugh loudly, love a lot

A.

I say you go! I only wish I were so disciplined! You are a
role model for most. Also there is really no right and
wrong to what most parents do, so long as our children
are loved and they know you love them.

If we had more parents like you, this world would be a better place. Keep doing what you are doing. You are raising your children to be responsible and capable. This is one way to show love. Not by giving in and doing what's easiest for you, or doing what the child always wants. That is how we end up with so many selfish adults.

Keep up the good work.

You are being a very responsible parent and having to do this as a single parent must be trying at times. I think that the problem with the world today is that parents are neglectful and selfish of their own needs and wants and that is why there is so many children with no manners or respect! This is going to help them as adults and they will be appreciative of the things you taught them when they grow up. You are being a great parent to your children!!!

V....I have a 7-YO daughter and a (almost) 3-YO son...I just WISH I could be more like you! I feel like a failure most of the time when I think about my kids and how our household is run. Don't get me wrong, my kids are smart, very loved and have good manners, but 'routine' is not a familiar word at home. Just ignore those who criticize you for being such a good mom because there are at least as many of us out here in the world who wish we could be more like you!!

You have to do what is best for you and your family. If what you have described is working for you and your kids, great. I would love to incorporate the discipline you have described in my home. In order to help you manage thru the critisism, you may want to check with teachers to ensure they are happy and balanced from their perspective. Keep up the good work, we should all be inspired by you!

Sounds like you are doing a great job! Since you are the one responsible to raise your kids you get to choose how to do it. Everyone else can like it or lump it. As a mom I think we know what our kids need and can handle and that is different for everyone. Hopefully you can find friends who will support you. Keep up the good work!

V.,

Girl.. do not worry about those people, they are jealous and wish they could be the parent you are (well that's my take). Do not let it get to you.

That's whats wrong with a lot of kids now days - they don't have structure or guidance. Tv raises kids now days, and is not monitored.

I'm by no means perfect, so don't get me wrong. You could teach a lot of parents how to be better.

So I say for those that are critical of you, leave them alone and find some new friends. I'm first in line! Anytime you want to hang out or share ideas, give me a call!

Keep your head up! You're doing an awesome job!

Take care and God bless!

M.

Keep doing what your doing because that's what works in your house. Everyone is different and there are just as many different parenting styles. So what works for one parent may or may not work for another. However, with that said if your trying to make friends, from my experience, practice a little humility. Parenting is a difficult job and other mothers just want someone to commiserate with. They don't necessarily want to feel that they are doing something wrong. They are usually trying the best they can especially if they are asking. I'm kind of a perfectionist myself, so I know how you are feeling. There can be a lot of envy from others who are not. But, being a perfectionist can also be a little lonely so if I were you I would just change the subject if they start to ask questions that you know will illicit a bad response. Or just ask they what they are doing instead and tell them you don't know all the answers but what works for you is.....

V.,

There is nothing wrong with the way you are parenting. I have many of the same ideologies as you do so you are not alone. You can't let what other people think bother you so much. Remember different strokes for different folks, more than one way to skin a cat, etc... Just because you choose one way of child-rearing doesn't make it right or wrong from someone else...just different than some.

A couple of thoughts... firstly you might need new friends... however you might be rubbing them the wrong way on some issues. most moms get defensive if people talk about how they do things but would "never" do other things and that makes them feel like you are judging them...

your way works for you but not for everyone just keep in mind that it takes all kinds and if we were all the same the world would be a boring place.

Good luck
A. j

Keep doing what you're doing, some people don't have any morals, ethics or values and you do. Keep up the good work!!!!!!

As we only know the situation from your viewpoint, I am sure we are missing the full story. However, I believe that your friends should be accepting of you, no matter what. As to your peers, it is really not any of their business. You obviously put a lot of thought into your parenting, are doing your best and love your kids. Whether or not your peers agree (with your parenting or attitude), that is what they should focus on. However, we are all only human. If you really believe that what you are doing is right and are being respectful in your discourse with your peers, I would just blow it off.

V.,

It sounds like you're doing a good job. Continue to do what works for your family; however, when the people that criticize you ask what you would do or ask your opinion, just say something like "do what works best for your family" and when they try to steer you towards what you would do, change the subject or say "no comment" in a nice way. If you know they're going to criticize you just tell them up front "you always critcize what I say, so I'd prefer not to comment, lets change the subject." Stop volunteering what you're doing at home, even when asked. You might say oh we're still doing the usual, with no details. Keep the discussion geered towards other things and see what happens. I had to totally stop talking about my outside business because people at my job were making comments like, "if I had money like you" or "you don't need the money". To stop the comments I just stopped talking about it totally at work and with people who failed to see that everyone has an opportunity, it's just what you decide to do with your opportunities. I also pray a lot. Best of luck to you.

Good luck