Do You Ever Feel like Throwing in the Towel?

Sometimes, old hurts can manifest when we are better able to cope and deal with them.

As some wise woman on this site wrote recently (and I can't remember who, so speak up and claim it if this idea is yours): Work as hard as you can to 'earn' the divorce'. That is to say, unless you do that hard work of trying to mend those hurts via couples counseling, working on improving communication, etc., you may be making a huge mistake.

I can tell that communication is certainly an issue. Your statement :"The times that I would just sit and cry he'd ask what's the matter... umm duhhh you should know that already. Granted he is a man and they don't always know how we feel. " -- this says a lot to me. Couples get into the bad but understandable habit of assuming their spouse should just "know"... E., I've been with my husband for nearly 12 years and we still joke to each other "oh, wait, I'm not a mind reader babe!"

Couples have come back from deep, hurtful grudges. I have seen it. If both parties are willing to do the work and accept their part of the responsibility for getting the relationship to the place it is-- and then really work on changing how they speak to and respond to each other-- I've seen a LOT of good come from this. If both parties are willing to invest in the progress of the family as a whole, it CAN be done.

You and he have BOTH had very real, daunting challenges E.. Guys typically want to fix things and sometimes, when they can't, they act out in the worst ways and do things which drive us nuts. I know this firsthand with both my ex-husband and current husband, especially during the heartbreak of miscarriage. I won't go into it, but there was such a fundamental disconnect with my spouse in BOTH cases, and they are very different men. (My ex is self-absorbed while my husband now is very pragmatic and 'big picture' when sometimes I'd prefer he were more narrow in his focus.)

All that to say-- even very good guys make mistakes. Don't give up on what you have if you truly want it to get better. Marriages are sometimes challenged with very hard, good fights. This is a fight worth fighting. Good luck, get some professional help (or consider your clergy if you attend a church) and don't walk away until you know for sure that you've done everything you can.

ETA: I want to add to something I've seen repeatedly on this thread, which is the possibility of PTSD. Being a PTSD survivor myself, I would certainly encourage you to get help with this. I could not have overcome it alone; my triggers were very deep and brain connections had to be reworked. It can happen, but it does take time and a trusting relationship with a counselor. Please take good care of yourself, E..

It almost sounds like you're having some sort of post traumatic stress issues.
Get some counseling so you can put your baggage down and not carry it around with you.

okay - here's my take. Your post was SSSOOOOOO hard to read since you didn't use paragraphs. It was like one long sentence and my brain is still trying to process it all. So please, if I missed something? Sorry.

You have not communicated to him your feelings. You sit in silence and do NOT communicate your hurt, anger, happiness, ANYTHING. You expect him to read your mind. Sorry. Doesn't happen.

You need several things.

1. You need a counselor for yourself. You need to learn how to communicate as an adult. You need to get over the previous losses in your life, deal with them and put them away. You CANNOT keep dragging these out and beating them like a dead horse. You might need anti-depressants as well to get you over this hump and on to seeing sunshine again instead of dark gray clouds and rain.

2. You need to talk with your OB/GYN or Primary Care Physician and see if you need hormone therapy.

3. You need marriage counseling. You haven't given your marriage a fighting chance in my opinion. Why do I say this? You have NOT communicated your needs to your husband. You have expected him to read your mind.

The adult human body holds roughly 8 pints of blood. You lost half of your blood. That's pretty serious. Your husband WAS beside you - you just failed to tell him what you EXPECTED of him. I'm sorry - I would be hesitant to lay in bed next to someone who just had an emergency hysterectomy and lost that much blood. Touching you might cause you pain - so really? If **I** were your husband? I would have stayed in the room and not touched you.

The D&C - sorry - I really am sorry for your loss. I've been through 3 and had D&C's after each one. My husband did NOT stay for any of them. He stayed until I got to surgery, then he left to care for our children and came back. He was grieving too. Just because he didn't stay and hold my hand, does NOT mean he did not care. You MUST COMMUNICATE with him.

However, first things first - you need to get help for YOU. Even though I don't know you - you sound depressed and in need of anti-depressants. Then marriage counseling. You really need to be able to communicate in order to know if you are throwing in the towel over something that is worth fighting for.

If you have faith, I would strongly suggest that you go to your church and find a couples group that you and your husband can attend in order to get back on track. you stated above that after 10 years, he's doing everything you wanted....so why would you throw in the towel?

Sweetheart, if you can get some therapy for yourself, do it. If he truly has changed, has become different, then you need help to move past the pain of the past and accept that so you can move on. You're stuck under a lot of baggage. If some of the reason for the baggage has been taken away, take care of you and get help to get that emotional weight off. Sometimes we can't do that alone and we DO need outside help to dig out.

And I agree with Gamma G - talk to a medical doctor as well. You have had a very physically traumatic time and need to make sure that some of this stress is taken care of if it's physical.

As far as the pregnancy, surgery etc. men tend to get angry at the situation. OT at you but it does seem that way. I was very sick for years and was in an out of the hospital. He would get mad when I had to be hospitalized. Finally realized after we spoke, he was not mad at me, he was mad at the whole thing. We had four young kids he had to juggle. As far as the marriage and cheating only you can decide what to do. You went thru a lot and thank God you daughter is well. Do you get out at all with friends. How about someone to talk to: counselor of sorts. Hang in. It will get better.

You've had a lot, lot, LOT happen in a very short time. You are truly a survivor, and you should be proud -- not just grateful, but proud -- that you are alive.

And, right now is probably not the time to make a decision that will affect you and your family for the rest of your lives.

In addition to the recent trauma, you are dealing with a recent hysterectomy. Hormonally, this is menopause-times-10. And menopause is already a hormonal crisis, more or less. So of course you're going to feel terrible.

But a crisis is a terrible time to make a decision.

All we can tell about your husband from this is post is that he cheated in the past (which is horrible) and that he has a lousy bedside manner / isn't good with hospitals / illness. The latter is too bad, but ... some people are just like that. If he's a good guy in other ways, you may just need to accept that he has this flaw.

Or, you may decide to leave. But not NOW. Because now is not a decision-making time.

You have been through a lot. I do think you have some post traumatic stress making you on edge. Who knows? Find a good counselor. Also, do you have some friend in your life to express all this to and who can support you? You need a good friend.

You have many issues and just one or two could make you want to throw in the towel. I do think you are not thinking clearly but separating out what is truly a problem big enough to want to throw in the towel and what your emotional distress is magnifying, well can not be settled in a post.

What you need is a starting place for examining your reality with clarity. You need to see a counselor, separately and together. Your H deserves a heads up. Men are not women and are never going to be as caring. Haveing a baby grow in you make for a kind of bonding and wisdom that is born of pain. Sometimes they close down instead of step up.

But you thought enough of him to have 4 kids with him, he must have some kind of caring and loving level with those kids. I, too, stopped at two because it was all I could handle by myself, emotionally and physically.
I think that alone means you need to give this relationship every chance.
In about 5 yrs, you will have a teenager. That's a level of parenting that is made SO much better by 2 parents. Don't shoot yourself in the foot before that day.

Get help.

You need drugs!!!!

For menopause, for depression, and need to see if you have brain damage due to the lack of blood. It appears from what you're saying that you feel different and not all there anymore. That could easily be from having the blood loss.

When a person has open heart surgery they are basically dead except for the blood that is being pumped throughout their body by an outside source. Many many many many people who go through open heart surgery do not come back the same person. They are a different personality all together.

You need to discuss this with the type of docs who deal with blood loss and trauma's to the body like you had.

Here is what I am guessing is happening (which you probably already know). You are holding on to a HUGE amount of anger. This makes you feel depressed and like giving up. But it's really all due to this anger deep inside you. You need an apology...a sincere, thought out, apology from your husband. This is worth a try...show him what you have written here (change it a bit so it's written to him and not to us) and ask him for a written reply back. Tell him to take his time. I think the suggestions of therapy are very good too...can you start going every other week? Get a referral to someone good and start doing that. I'm sorry for everything you have gone through. It sounds truly truly difficult and awful...you almost died and you almost lost your sweet baby girl. My husband and I went though a rough time where due to choices he made (moving from the place we love, taking a new job, realizing he was wrong, then wanting his old job back, applying for it, our friends being on the hiring committee, and then NOT getting hired back) I had a lot of anger towards him. I became very depressed for about a year. Finally he wrote me the most amazing, heartfelt apology saying he f***d up and it was like the anger was released from me. I was able to move on and be happy again after that. Remember your husband loves you and you love him. Yes, he has screwed up, big time. But he is doing the best he can...he probably did not understand what you were going through or for whatever reasons could not handle everything that was going on. And yes, you might be a flood of hormones right now too.

I think you have been through a LOT in your life, and all this is just adding up. Even if things are good now, it seems you are having a hard time forgiving your husband and it doesn't seem to you have gotten any apologies either.

I think what you need to do is go see a counselor to talk all this out. They can help you work through your own issues, and feelings and then it would be a good idea to bring him into counseling too. You both need it to get back into a truly healthy place in your lives together. And maybe then you can truly forgive him too and move on.

I wish you the best

So you're upset because your husband isn't a mind reader? Really?
Get some counseling.

Reread everything that Nervy Girl wrote. She said pretty much everything I would say, and she probably wrote it better.

One thing I'd like to add - and this is just a thought based on the content of your post - some people are *really* affected by blood, hospitals, medical trauma, basically anything to do with it, and they are **really, really** affected when it is a loved one going through it. Perhaps your husband's insensitive behavior isn't limited to hospital and doctor's visits, but those are the only times you talk about in your post. Some people just can't handle the intense combination of stress/gore/risk/exhaustion that comes with having a loved one (and considering you and your daughter, TWO loved ones) going through a traumatic medical situation, and the best way for them to deal with it is to withdraw into themselves. And if they do say something, it's probably not going to be the most tactful, caring thing they've ever said. I have a friend like this - the most caring, thoughtful, wonderful guy, husband and father you'll ever meet, but his wife going into labor and going to the hospital (and all have been normal, healthy pregnancies and births) turns him into the moodiest, most thoughtless person. It's like he's a different person til it's over and he gets a ton of sleep.

Just something to consider. You may want him for moral support, and he may just be in panic-mode, trying to make it on adrenaline without puking or having a panic attack.

Another note - when you do talk about this (going back to that all-important communication in Nervy Girl's post), do your best to bring it up as a question, a calm conversation, something you want to understand better about him, NOT as an accusation. That will just start you off on the wrong foot and it's hard to pull back from that. Talk to him because you care about him, and you care about you, and you both care about the relationship.

You don't need a slap on the cheek. You need a great big hug. I agree wholeheartedly with Nervy Girl about old hurts manifesting when you are better able to deal with them.

It sounds like you feel that you should have moved on from these issues by now. But you never really got a chance to express your frustrations to your husband, did you? Just because he is a different person now doesn't mean that he is exempt from your well-placed anger.

I agree that you should seek counseling. A maybe couples counseling too. Good luck! You've been through hell and back and deserve a little emotional rest.

You had a traumatic pregnancy, nearly died giving birth, had a hysterectomy, your hormones are going crazy, your husband isn't there for you and you have a baby (and two others). It's more than postpartum, you might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

You need to take two steps. One is to see your doctor and get on some meds. Don't worry about the stigma. Don't worry about weaning off of them, just get your mind in balance.

Second - you need to find a good therapist. Preferably a woman who deals with women's issues. Go and talk, talk, talk. You will feel so much better. Look at your post - you have so much going on to talk about. Print it up and give it to the therapist before you see her - it will give her lots of insight and she will proceed from there.

If you are not feeling well mentally, then you don't really have it all that good now do you? So forget the slaps in the face and sucking it up. Just focus on you and feeling better. Once you do feel better and sort through all of this, your world will be a better place to live it not only for you but for your kids, too.

And BTW - your hubby does not and WILL NOT ever get your issues - he can't because he is a man. So just don't expect him to and you'll never be disappointed again. All the best!!

I'm not sure how old you are but hormones can play a huge part in how you feel. Do you monitor to see if you feel like this all month every month or it fluctuates? There are times I almost hate my husband. It's horrible but now I realize it's hormonal. Otherwise, I'll mainly give you a slap in the face and say you have it good now and suck it up. Sorry but you decided to have FOUR children... My husband never cheated that i know of but I also had very bad deliveries with bleeding. And guess what - he'd have been fine with me having a 3rd and having to have a c section hysterectomy. No skin off his nose... He can just be a jerk in certain ways. But not every way and he's a good guy overall. Really good in many ways and better than me in certain departments. So take the good with the bad. No one is perfect. Men don't always handle caregiving well. But you went on to have FOUR kids with him. You decided that. I stopped at 2 partly bc of how I felt about our marriage and how supportive he is or isn't. I had to make sure I could handle it all without all the support maybe I'd like from him. I'm the main breadwinner too btw and your husband has been filling that role... You may just be tired and 4 kids is a lot to take care of for years and you may just need some R&R type stuff. Time to heal. You went through quite an ordeal. But you do not leave the father of your 4 children when he's being a good guy. If you can, see a counselor. Or try meditation, working out etc. You likely need something for yourself but I don't think you should leave him.

Until you forgive him, you're never going to be able to move past this and have the relationship that God intends. I suggest that you talk to your pastoral staff about marriage counseling and really work together on these issues. Also, get close with God. Seeking God's guidance in this will help you to get closer to your husband again.

All of this stuff is in the past now, E.. It's time to stop living there.