Do You Sometimes Think That Only You Take Care for the Children?

L.,

You need some 'ME' time, or time to do errands without the kids. My DH has no problem staying home and watching the kids. He even started taking one of the kids ( I have 3) seperatley on Sundays for time with Dad.

I have to laugh sometimes when my DH will say "I can't take all 3 kids with me",when he runs errands. Why not?

Even with all he does, I still feel as if I am the main caretaker for the kids. I work f/t also, so it gets hard sometimes when I have to get home from work, and cook, do homework, clean etc.Some stuff in my house just does not get done, and I try not to stress about it.

Men can be like children, you have to constantly ask them for help, and they always want you to recognize what they did and thank them.

Do not feel guilty about going out without the kids. In order to be a good mom for them you HAVE to have time for yourself.

Take care,

L.

In response to your questions, I'm not going to say anything about men or husbands, because I divorced my ex-husband when my daughter was very young, he hasn't been involved at all, and I've never re-married, so I'm not the person to give you advice about husbands or men in general.
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HOWEVER, I'm going to say this: My sister, who has been married to the same man since 1967 (?) and has 3 grown up kids and now a grandbaby, has always always always made comments about how you have to take care of yourself in order to keep taking care of others. Just something to give yourself some pampering.

Do you have other moms of young children in your neighborhood? Maybe you could form a babysitting pool, take turns taking care of each others' children at no charge. Or what about family members, are they nearby? Would they be willing to help you out even just every now and then?

I wish you well. As a single mom, and now a single grandma with 2 very young granddaughters and no other adults in my home, I do know what it's like to give and give and give, and burnout (stress) happens. Try not to keep your feelings about your husband's "social" activities (soccer) and getting to go to bed early inside - when resentments and anger build up, nothing good comes from it.

Hope this helps. Find an outlet of SOME kind. Even little things, like a craft of some kind to do after the kiddos go to bed can help, or reading, or singing in a long hot shower. Those are all short-term things, but can help for a little while as well.

B.

i am the same way. I have 3 kids 7year old a 6 year old and a 5 month old. My husband works and I stay home. I am always at home during the week sometimes there will be a whole month when i don't even leave the house. It really gets to me sometimes. He goes to work comes home and watches t.v. I wake the kids up get them off to school take of the baby all day,wash clothes clean the house, then the kids get home and theres homework,dinner.Bath time comes then i have to get them to bed. Then if there is a time where i get invited to go out with the girls I feel bad leaving him with the kids. I don't have any advice because i feel the same way but at least you know your not the only one out there. If you need to talk more my e-mail is ____@____.com B.

Girl, you are not the only one out there that feels this way. My husband works outside for 10 hours 6 days a week and comes home exhausted and all he wants to do is sit in front of the T.V and do nothing. I just don't give him that option. Sometimes when he comes home we will eat and then I will go to the store by myself just to get out.I work part time 3 days a week and I always try to make one of my days that I do work Sunday that way he has time with the kids without me being his crutch. You need to get out more without the kids and not feel guilty about it because I can bet men do not feel guilty when they do their thing without the kids. It's healthier to not be with your kids 24/7, and when you're not with them every waking moment doesn't mean you love them less, to me it makes me love them more. Being a mom is a full time job and it's a 24/7 job at that, the hardest job that I ever had but I would never trade it for anything (ok maybe a weekend on a beach all by myself)but that's not asking much. Just devote a night all to yourself, go walk around the mall, Target just get out go grab a bite to eat with a girlfriend. You have to do it for you and in long run you are also doing it for your kids.SANITY is the key here. Heck if you live near Joliet I'll go out for a bite to eat with you, all us moms have to stick together. Hang in there. ( I just booked myself a massage for Monday night) CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

First you need to put a $$ value on your time! You express a need for me time and have to talk with your husband how to get it. He probably doesn't realize that HE is the one missing out by not having time alone with his kids!! You need it and so does Dad!! If you feel you must bring in an income then search out a way to bring in a little $$. There are some options out there where you can have your kids with you. There are also several direct selling "at home" things you can choose from too. This was the route I chose. Check out my website

www.thebodyshopathome.com/web/faithjones
You can look and see if this would work for you. Also I know other moms that drive buses and can have their kids etc. First VALUE YOUR TIME and what it costs for childcare, cook, maid, taxi driver, educator, for 24/7 service. I believe I saw once that the value of the SAHM was about $150,000 year if we got paid for what we do!! That is a hefty cost my dear!! So pick a day that works for Dad and give yourself 8 hours a week to do what you want. Maybe do grocery shopping and then you are getting a chore done. I recommend taking yourself to a full service spa!! Yes its pricey but how old are your kids?
:)

I feel the same way all of the time. They do deserve a break after work since they work hard. But we work just as hard by being stay at home moms. We deserve a break to. Getting the break is usually the hardest part because we feel guilty that since we aren't bringing home a check that we shouldn't be allowed to spend money or have time to ourselves. I think a lot of pressure is put on us as stay at home moms. Sometimes I feel as if the fathers don't appreciate what we do either, not sure how it is in your case. We also don't get paid for what we do, and sometimes it's a really hard job to raise our children, especially when there's more than one in the house. :) But I have found that Friday nights I take to myself by going roller skating with my brother, we used to do it as kids, and it keeps me in touch with him since we never get to see eachother. It's fairly cheap so I don't mind going. Then once in a great while on a weekend my fiance and I will go out but instead of having to pay a babysitter we ask a family member if they don't mind...and we change who the family member is all the time so that we don't exhaust one person completely. Usually even if we try to pay them they won't take it, but at least this way you could probably have to spend less money or no money at all on a babysitter. Good luck and I hope this helps. Let me know what you figure out....maybe I could use some more advice too.

Hi L.,
All I can say is that my friends and I have just been discussing this issue that you brought up. I am sure that your husband is a great man, but you need to take some time for yourself and not feel guilty at all!! The main phrase is that if you do not take the time now to keep yourself healthy, it will not change in the future. Regardless of money situation or not. If you are not healthy, your children will pick up on this and that is not a healthy environment for any of you to be in. So take some advice from a mom of 3 girls, twins, I work full time with my in home family daycare, YOU MUST TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. It will help you physically and mentally.
Good Luck and take care of yourself L..
Sincerely, C.

ahm, hello... not to say that watching kids is a job, but it actually is! shouldnt you EVER have a day off?! and i understand that he is the one bringing in the money, but still.... i am a sahm, too. and as much as i love my twins, some times i get sick and tired of it. not the girls, i never get tired of them, but of the situation. i think my husband wouldnt even know how to operate the washer/dryer.
it's easy for me to tell you what you shoukd say to your husband because it's always easier to tell somebody else what to do, but if you have kind of relationship where you two can talk, may be you could tell him...
just remember you do a lot of work, even though you dont bring in the money.
take care of yourself.

Okay...he needs to pitch in. They're his kids too. Does he have any "daddy" time, especially devoted to he and the kids? This would be a great time for you to go out to the grocery store alone (and get it done a thousand times faster!). What about bedtime? That is a great time for dad to bond with the kids, and frees you up to do whatever. Balance the checkbook, take a bath (a nice long hot one!), check email etc., etc., etc.

He may be the breadwinner and work hard all day, but YOU work hard all day too, and he needs to be aware of that. There are days when the only time I sit is to eat meals. The rest of the time I'm chasing the kids around, doing dishes, cleaning or doing laundry. That's hard work too, it's just that it's not out of the house and it's not bringing in any cash. There is no such thing as a "stay-at-home" mom unless she can afford to hire out all the chores. The truth is that a "stay-at-home" mom is a "work-at-home" mom. We may not be bringing in an income, but we are investing in the future (by raising our kids) in a way that money cannot buy.

Maybe if you run through your day with him and explain that you work hard, physically and emotionally, and need a break and that your kids need one-on-one dad time, he'll get the idea. He may not even realize the situation. Sit down and talk with him. You cannot be all things to all people...