Don't Know What to Do About My Marriage

You need to see a doctor and a counselor. Most people can't live this way forever. I am in your husbands shoes and let me tell you, after awhile all respect and friendship dies too when you are being neglected year after year. I'm sorry you don't feel this way. But it sounds like a lack of sex drive and there should be pills and potions for that. I only mention a counselor because I hope you aren't pressing down some trauma from childhood that makes you just not want sex.

I obviously did not see your original question nor did I take the time to read the responses you got. I just wanted to make sure you consider your hormones. The OB's can not accurately detect hormones so it is not reliable. It is amazing how our hormones affect this area of our lives. Once I got my hormones treated naturally, I am more attracted and 'lively' than ever before. I never would have guessed. If you need someone who can help, I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend Dr. Chalmers

http://chalmerswellness.com

Hang in there!

Michelle,

You said your reason for waiting was religious. I waited too. What I want you to hear is that there's nothing wrong with platonic. Platonic grows and blossoms. Not overnight mind you, but it does grow. Working on sex is half the fun. AND don't think that it's any better somewhere else because it's probably not. You married him because he was exactly what you needed in a husband. I don't care if you've been married 20 years, there is still the PROBABILITY that you will become attracted to him. If you have faith, pray.

My husband is an incredibly handsome guy. Women hit on him all the time but I didn't go weak at the knees even when we were dating. We were best friends and still are. It has gotten better and better as we've grown together. Now that my kids are older (18 and 14) our alone time is incredibly good and I feel much closer than ever. I can look back and think why wasn't it like this before. Why think about those kind of things???? You waited on sex....now wait patiently on the passion. I do believe it will come.

Now, if you read this venue often there are many mamas that HAD passion and don't have it anymore....or HAD passion and now don't want it.....or HAD passion and couldn't care less......consider yourself fortunate you still have it to look forward to. Like Christmas, the anticipation can be incredible.

Like I said, have faith. You waited. You did what was right and you will be blessed for it. God gives us the desires of our heart or he changes them. Remind God gently that he has promised you that and let Him know those are your desires. My God doesn't lie!

M.

Foreplay begins long before you even enter the bedroom. Spicing it up in the bedroom is really great but flirting with each other more throughout the day would do a lot more to increase your attraction to each other. I would suggest that just for a few weeks, put your husband and wife hats and mommy and daddy hats away and try on the role of just being lovers. What do lovers do? They call each other in the middle of the day just to say that they miss the other. They hold hands a lot. They sneak kisses when they think nobody is looking. That kind of thing . . . Talk to your husband about this and see if the two of you can start being more flirty and physical with each other outside of the bedroom.

Hope this helps.

It sounds like you're still in love with your husband! You just need some help with intimacy. I've read Ellen Kriedman's book "Light His Fire" and found it helpful. Below is a link. Good luck and I hope you have fun rekindling.

http://www.lightyourfire.com/

Michelle,
You did not mention if the lack of attraction is on only your side or if your husband is also not feeling attracted toward you. Nor did you mention how long this has been a problem. I have been married almost 30 years and there have been times when we have just been too busy to make the time for romance that often will lead to sex. Could this just be a season?

With many years "under the belt" I can tell you that you need to make time for your marriage and your love life. The longer you are married, your bodies change; however, your relationship and respect and love for eachother should grow. These things will all lead to a better sex life.

Try concentrating of the romantic relationship without the pressure of sex. Think of your husband and do things for him like you did before you were married. If he has lost the romance, sit down and talk with him or see a counsellor about implementing some special time together to date. If there is a couple you know that is older that might mentor both of you, that might help. I would also recommend the movie/workbook Fireproof. It will give you ideas to work on to bring the love alive. There is also a website called www.themarriagebed.com which has many ideas about the sexual relationship from the Christian perspective. It is very direct but tastefully done.

Don't give up, Michelle. Give it some time and WORK on it. It will be worth it.

K. V.
www.wholeheartbirth.com

I can't imagine how you are feeling bc I have never been in your situation, but believe me, there are plenty of times I am not attracted to my hubby for other reasons such as being exhausted from being home with 2 toddlers all day, carrying our 3rd baby,etc...And my husband is a hottie!LOL! But my Mother always told me that lust, attraction, whatever you want to call it ALWAYS fades to a certain degree, so make sure you marry someone you really "like" because you can have wild and crazy sex for years, but once that fades you want someone you can actually have a conversation with and share interests with. It def sounds like you have that. I really feel for you but just realize that it sounds like you have it a lot better than most of us. I wish my husband was more like yours by the way you have described him. I really hope you find a way to reconcile this for your own sake. No matter how good a man is or a marriage is in every other way it is important to have the sex life you want and deserve. I know I really didn't give you any answers but I just wanted you to feel like your feelings are validated! As a woman I know how important that is. Good Luck!

p.s I also give you a lot of credit for not looking "outside" of your marriage for sex, these days people seem to think that is the answer....

my sex drive goes through the roof when i am off of the pill! when i am on the pill it is basically non existent. I would certainly look into seeing if your hormones are off balance. Also check out www.christiannymphos.org. it's a sex site for married couples. very clean and no pictures but with lots of ideas!!

I didn't see the first question, but this is similar to our situation. But I am the husband. We had a baby last year and that was the biggest game changer for our marriage. We had sex so frequently in order to get pregnant - that was great. But once pregnant, we had sex once (at 4 months) and it was alot of work - for both of us! We didn't have sex again until 4 months after he was born, and then 3 time this year. The last time was actually last Sunday a week ago - my wife just said, "I'm in the mood tonight" and I of course obliged. I have no idea what brought on the mood. I'd make love every day if she wanted to. The one thing you didn't mention is if your husband still makes advances towards you, or if the lack of attraction is mutual. I've just reconciled myself that this is the current state of our marriage and if I want things to improve I need to do whatever I can. I also make sure, probably once a week, to give her a little signal that I still desire her (which is not chasing her around the house like a hound dog). I am hopeful that as our toddler grows and becomes less dependent that my wife will be more relaxed around the house and less tired all the time, and I am trying my best to transform into Ricky Martin's body. We don't totally have a sexless marriage, but it's pretty close. We've been together for amost 20 years, and that's not going to be a deal-breaker. I don't have any answers, especially without your husbands point of view, but it looks like you are not alone. Good luck-

I also believe you should see your doctor and/or a counselor that specializes in sexuality.
You do not mention whether you have ever felt sexually attracted to anyone (man or woman) in your life. Because he is the only person you have ever been with and your strong religious convictions you may not even know what it is you want.
I know you do not want to hear it, but human sexuality comes in all forms and shapes from asexual to hetero- to homosexuality and everything in between. You religious views may not agree with this, but that does not change the way your brain is wired.
I believe exploring your sexuality and finding out what it is that you DO feel attracted to is an important step in the process of saving your marriage and keeping you sane.
Once you know what you are attracted to you two can either come together and try to enhance your sex life, or you can reevaluate your expectations, together with your husband.
That does not mean that you have to divorce him. I truly believe that there is a chance that you can work it out, once you know what you want.
And even if there isn't you can still choose to live by your religious convictions over having a satisfying sex life. Plenty of people do and they can become happy doing so.

I believe that the idea that every marriage MUST include a mutually satisfying physical relationship is a trend of recent times and a sign of the luxury we live in.
Even 50 years ago (and in many countries today) marriages are unions for the purpose of economic stability and procreation and are NOT associated with the fleeting sensations of love or attraction.
The Hollywood idea of happily ever after is NOT a good example for how real life works and I do strongly believe that if we would stop idealizing the romantic aspect of marriage, the divorce rate would plummet - and that would be a GOOD thing for our society in many aspects.
And I am not even religious.
Good luck!

I am sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't attribute this to waiting until marriage to have sex. A lot of couples go through this and had great pre-maritial sex. I am glad to hear you don't want to give up. I wouldn't. A good, kind, loving man is hard to find. By the way, sometimes just being in a relationship with someone for over 5 years can lead you to feel like you're more friends/roommates than lovers or husband and wife. I don't know that you can create physical attraction but I think it's more than that. I think you can create intimacy outside the bedroom that will allow you to "feel" like you want to be intimate in the bedroom. It all starts outside the bedroom such as in how you talk to each other (nicely? lovingly?), if you spend time together (going for walks, having dinner together at home or making dinner, sitting outside on a nice summer evening talking about your respective days, having date nights once in awhile if you can at all do that I recommend it etc.) Think of it this way......it's about loving your partner and spending time together not just physical attraction. I bet you could poll couples that have been togther over 25 years and very, very few of them would probably say they want to rip their partner's clothes off and ravage them. :) I think it's more of a loving, respectful relationship that you create together that leads to intimacy . And I think intimacy and sex are important in a marriage. It's just a lot of hard work. I hope this helps. Hang in there and try to have some fun with him. Go do a an activity you both like doing together (ex. golf, hike etc) to re-stimulate good times "together". That helps the foundation of a relationship. Just like when we go do things with our girlfriends that we like doing like shopping or lunch etc. Good luck and hang in there. Hang in there. Half the battle is won.....you want to do something to work on this!

I have the same situation as you. I have zero physical attraction towards my husband, and lately do not even like him as a person. He's really moody, does not help with the kids - his free time is "his" time. He is very selfish. The problem is he chases me around the house all day like a dog in heat and I absolutely can't stand it - I'm constantly fighting him off. We sleep in separate bedrooms. If I had money and could afford to divorce him I would, but I stay in the marriage for the kids sake, so they can stay in their schools, etc. There is nothing worse than living with a man whose touch you try to avoid. I feel for you. However, your husband at least sounds like a decent man and decent father to your child. And, you are good friends. If the lack of sex doesn't bother either of you, and your home life is thriving without it, let it go . . . . there is a season for everything in a marriage. The only problem is, "it" (the chemistry) is either there or it isn't - you can't make that grow. If you never felt weak in the knees around your husband, you aren't going to start now. I wasn't in love with my husband when I married him, I had my heart broken in a previous relationship, so I had a wall up. I was only looking for stability. Now I wish I waited to meet someone who I could love AND have stability with. Good luck, I really wish you the best.

It sounds to me like you may need to get some serious counseling w/ a good licensed psychologist on your own about this. It is so odd to me that you been feeling this way for the entire marriage I am just curious why you married and then would go on to have a child with your husband? Your husband sounds like a very good man and father. Have you discussed this issue with your husband? How does he feel about your marriage and relationship? I'm sorry if it offends but personally, you sound rather self-centered and and not ready to have married, let alone have children. I think you owe it to your child to stick it out in the marriage until the child is an adult then decide what you will do? I think you owe it to both of them; especially an innocent baby now child you bought into a loveless marriage. Try to appreciate what you have now. As they say the grass may not always be greener..., nor will you be madly attracted to and head over heals in love for an entire marriage in the future w/someone else. You and your child could be treated much worse.

Very brave inquiry. You say you've always felt this way about him. Are you the type of person who is ever animally attracted? Lots of women aren't very "carnivorous" so depending on the personalities of the partners, this happens.
Like, I know women with NO sex drive AT ALL, but since their husbands are super aggressive, the relationship works, because the men do all the seducing and work, and sex happens enough for everyone to feel OK. Other women with the same low sex drive have husbands who are sort of tame and hang back and wait for the wife to "want it" or seduce THEM, and that sort of works, but no one's getting enough lovin'. Or some women are sort of unhorny, and their husbands are too, and then there is no sex life, and sometimes people dont' mind being friends. Other women are super horny, and into their men (rare), and depending on his personality, this usually works well. It's rare for a husband to get sick of his woman wanting him, even if he's totally lazy. And some lucky marriages have two lusty un-lazy people who are attracted to each other.

Would you be a fiery vixon for someone more attractive to you-do you have past emotions like that to back you up? Be sure before you convince yourself you're lacking something.

Does your husband actively come after you, and you just don't want to cooperate? Or does he sort of just leave it up to you 50/50, so you always have to realize you really don't want to make the moves? Have you HAD super lusty attractions to people before? Obsessions, crushes, physical chemistry and butterflies? But just never your husband? Or are you thinking it's something you could have one day, but never have before. If you never have before, it may not be in your wiring. I can remember obsessive crushes as young as 8 years old-and I've always been VERY attracted to people I was with, not always the best thing, but also not many people! When I'm not interested, I'm NOT interested.

The polar opposite of your problem is people so physically attracted, that they end up together and nothing else works. You have a lot of good things.

The sex thing is really going to bug you if you know you would be more lusty for someone else or are already. Or you may just be the mild mannered type to have entered into this under these conditions. We all know what it feels like (or wish we did) to get tingles for the only guy in the room you have a crush on and move heaven and earth to finally pin him down in a marriage. If you NEVER felt that for him, but did for other people, it does seem like religion may have steered you down the righteous path to boredom, but you can still have a rewarding proper life and do the right thing!

It sounds like maybe you're needing someone else to do all the work sexually so you don't have to gear yourself up all the time-and maybe hubby will if you make that clear! The actual act of sex itself isn't going to be a whole lot different for you based on the other person, it's about your entire feelings to make it special.
Ask yourself how you would feel is he lusted after someone else. Would you care? Would you want him more? Are you secretly having crushes on other people which makes you think you don't love him? Try to find what's deep inside yourself....Whatever you do, so NOT say, "I feel trapped" while taking the high road mentality. You are not trapped. If you decide to stay for moral reasons, then you decide that. It's not a trap. Feeling like a victim also builds resentment. Good, luck and I hope you find happiness!

Yes to all the moms who say to check your hormone levels. At age 40, you are likely experiencing perimenopausal symptoms and need to be honest with yourself and your husband about how that effects you.

I love the book by Susan S Weed: Menopausal Years: The Wise Woman Way. Very, very, very informative and with solutions to very specific problems (from sex drive to fatigue). On amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/New-Menopausal-Years-Wise-Woman/dp/...

Secondly, as I didn't see the original question, is the lack of sex drive yours only or are both you and your husband experiencing a lack of desire right now? If it's you, you could talk to your husband honestly about things that might help (new lubricant, date night, role playing, whatever!). If it is both of you, you can ask what you can do to spark your husband's flame.

Good luck and great sex to you!

This is a struggle. We all wax and wane.

I wholeheartedly agree with the go get your hormones checked crowd.

I thought it was perimenopause, I thought it was thyroid. I thought all kinds of things. It turned out to be so simple - Vit D deficiency.

It has completely improved the way I intereact with my other half. And my perspective. There could be a medical reason for your situation. Really.

First things first. Go and have your testosterone levels checked. Yes, women do have testosterone. If it's low, there is absolutely no sex drive. Also, I don't know how old your son is. And if you are still breast feeding or not at all. After childbirth, your estrogen levels can get completely out of whack. That's what happened to me after my first child. And I was still nursing when we got pregnant with our 2nd. I was an estrogen machine. So after baby #2, I had my testosterone levels checked because I told my doctor that I didn't really have a desire for intimacy with my husband anymore. The testosterone pills were actually just a little jump start to my system. They worked really well. My husband was very excited to say the least. You don't take them long-term. They just helped get my system back into balance. You can do it naturally too. I just love my OB. So I went the way he suggested. Sex should be a beautiful part of every healthy relationship. It should also be a fun, exciting part of every relationship. Try to shake things up a little bit whenever you can. Even if you don't feel like it. Actually, your husband probably doesn't always "feel like it". But men are taught from birth that you never turn down sex. But they actually don't want it every single time it's offered. They might not tell you that, but it definitely is the truth sometimes. If you turn it ito something that you want to do for your husband, it just might make you feel good too. No matter what, just keep looking for an answer. Your son depends on you and your husband to give him a happy, loving home. That's your first priority. Keep trying.

I cannot give you an answer but I felt as though I suffer from the exact same thing you do. Me and my husband have a good marriage, family, and life, but intimacy and sex are basically voided out. I can tell myself time and time again each day that I am going to make it happen that night and the night comes and I just cannot bring myself to do it. I think of sex but I just am not attracted to my husband. I have been praying about the situation often because like you, I want a healthy marriage in every sense of the word, I cannot offer you a solution when I do not have oen for myself but I do want you to know that you are not alone. You cannot help what you feel so do not think you are a bad person. I know God will get me through this and lucky for me my husband has patience, but it is so frustrating.

you could divorce him and not be happy with the next 20 guys you date. the reason why is you will never be happy with anyone till you are happy with yourself. he isn't doing anything wrong by your words. so figure out what makes you happy and do it everything else will fall in line on its own. he cant make you happy if your not happy with yourself no matter how hard he tries. he is in a losing battle and its not fair to him. you say your happy and you may be in one way but your isolating yourself in another. find what you need to do to make yourself truly happy and not let other people make you happy. your happy and a real happy are two diffrent things fix you and the marriage will fix itself. so will the sex.

how much do you allow fantasy into your sex life? it's very hard to create va-va-voom when it's not there naturally, but planning a seduction, complete with either props or just mental trappings if you're shy about sex play, can in itself be very erotic.
good for you for being so pro-active about this, and appreciating your dh for what he does have going.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Hi Michelle,

I've noticed from previous posts that you have a young child and work from home or in your home. Not sure how long you've been married (did not see your first post about this question) or how old your are which can all affect how you feel. Your hormone levels will greatly affect how you see yourself and your husband....if your testosterone levels are low, your sex drive will be low to non-existent.

Speaking from experience, after I had my son (I was 40 yo at the time) my sex drive and attraction to my husband were both really low. We had been married 15 yrs at the time and I did not know what to do. I went to the FEM Centre in Ft Worth (one in Colleyville) and found that my testosterone was really low after having my son. I started taking two small tablets a day and it literally changed everything.

We've been married almost 22 yrs now and I find my husband very attractive....its in the way I see that he takes care of me and our son.....when I start to feel frustrated about something, I remember to be thankful. I've found great power in being thankful -- I thank God for my husband and then I list things that I'm thankful about him. I think about his smile and the way that he loves me. I'm thankful that he is a good provider and is very unselfish. I really am blessed but didn't always see it until I took the time to make a list of everything I love about my man.

I think that attraction may begin in the way a person "looks" but it is kept by the way you see your husband in your heart. See him as you did when you were dating....see him as the sweet daddy to your child. Take time, without your child, to be together and talk about things you want to do together. I find my husband very attractive when we work in the yard together or when he helps cook a meal or clean up the kitchen....

I've taken up hobbies with my husband so that we can stay connected. He likes to fly remote control helicopters and so I've started learning to do that with him and asking him to teach me. We enjoy reading, so we'll both read the same book and then discuss it or on a road trip, we'll listen to a book on audio and discuss it......all these things lend to making me feel attracted to my husband because we're fulfilling each others emotional needs and it follows with fulfilling the physical needs.

I wish you all the best -- for God to bless you and your sweet family as you walk through this season.

"watch your thoughts....they become actions"......thats what I have heard since I was small.
If you feel like you would be better off with someone else, you are wrong, it would be this way with any man you think even "looks more attractive".
My advice would be to stick together, I have only been married for four short years, but I have become more and more attracted to my husband as time builds a strong bond between the two of us. Give it time and alot of effort and it WILL happen if you want it to. Hang in there!

I must have missed your prior post but I would just like to say thank you for saying what you did in this post. I am dealing with the same issues and when I was reading your post I felt like I was reading about my own marriage. I don't have any answers for you, I just thought it might make you feel better to know that you are not alone. I will pray for your marriage as I pray for mine.
Hang in there!

I agree about the recommendation for the movie Fireproof. You can rent it, and it is very good. -- Also I heard an ad on yesterday's radio about seminars on parenting (one night) and mariiage (a second night)...they guy sounded very upbeat and funny...might be worth one evening. I looked up the link for you.

http://www.northwoodchurch.org/event_details.php?id=125&a...

I think you are totally within your rights to defend yourself and your marriage as well as your choices, I commend you. I do however struggle with the very seemingly non chalant attitude about not being attracted to your spouse. I can't imagine how that felt from his perspective to hear that his wife is no longer attracted to him, I just feel that is not something so understandable. I think either you know why you are unattracted to him anymore and don't want to admit it to yourself or anyone else, or you need therapy to explore that. I just have never heard anyone unsure as to how they become attracted to the person they were one attracted to. Is it physically that you just can't stand his weight or lack of hygeine or something along those lines, these are just random examples. Which can be difficult to convey to someone, but sometimes happens when people get lazy in marriage or are having emotional problems. Or has someone done something hurtful to you that you now see him in a different light? Since you say he is wonderful and hasn't done anything, what could it be? Something has to have happened to take that attraction away, it just has to be something, and again perhaps you need to address that in therapy. Because I don't know if bringing toys or trips or lingerie is going to make him sexier to you, you have to deal with what made you lose the attraction in the first place. I think people can lose themselves sometimes when they have children and a mens drive is often different than a woman's. We can't switch from being mommy to sex goddess in two seconds. Men can switch off and into sex on a moments notice and we have to teach them that we need different approaches to sex and intimacy. I think its important to take time out for each other and make things sexy and have fun with it. There is no room for censorship or hang ups in the bed room, have fun, let go, open up, role play, dress up, be someone different. Laugh and giggle, be an actress or do whatever feels right, who cares. Good luck and I wish you all the best, but please address this because so often marriage changes. You end up becoming friends and no longer see each other in a sexual manner and thats when couples can tend to stray.

I didn't see ur original post but from what I'm reading, maybe u and ur husband need to implement date night. That can stimulate attraction when u r both dressed nice and ur husband 'courts' u again, opens doors, and the romantic things that attracted u to him in the first place. My husband and I do that and on those nights I feel attracted to him the most. I also don't handle everything at home, he carries a lot of te burdens of our home life so I have a level of everyday appreciation for him. Not sure if this will help but ur right we women do all feel the way u explained, at least I do/have.

I so very wish I could help you, but I am also going through the same thing. We have a daughter together and I'm just not attracted to him anymore and don't know why. My husband is also a good man and he provides for us as well. God bless you in your search to make your marriage completely healthy.

As for any other women who may attack you, it's totally uncalled for. We come here to get HELP not attacks.

I didn't read your original post, but I sure am sorry that you had to write this response. How brave you are to reach out for advise and try to improve your family's quality of life! Hang in there! I don't have any advise on the subject, except to try to remember what used to be sexy about him and try to see it in the things he does...like how loving he may be with you child? I find that very attractive. Maybe try to spend good quality romantic time together too.

Women tend to feel more physically attracted when they are emotionally fulfilled. Make specific, quality, time with your husband that does not involve your child. Even if it's 15 minutes of couch time after your kiddo's in bed. Also feeling good about yourself in turn helps you feel good about sex. Having your quiet time with God, resting, exercising, and taking the time to brush your hair and put on clothes that fit:) Sometimes those may seem like alot and overwhelming. Don't be perfectionistic, just start, a little bit, or a few minutes at a time.