Family Vacation or Dance Nationals?

This is a commitment thing. She has to go to the dance competition because she is on the team and they count on her.

tell grandma that you both feel that teaching her to follow through with the commitment she made to her team is most important. You don't want her to grow up to be the kind of person that will screw others over for her own selfishness. If mil can not understand that than that is mils problem.

This is a lesson of learning that you finish what you start - she started the dance season and it ends with Nationals. I do not understand the question beyond that.

This is your family...not your in-laws' family. You and hubby make the decision. Sounds like you both want to skip vacation and go to dance competition. Do it! In-laws can deal with it. You and hubby are adults. Go on vacation another time...alone or with them.

ETA- You cannot lie about the illness as an excuse. That sets a horrible example for your daughter. I find it inexcusable that your in-laws would even suggest that. They should be setting a positive example for their granddaughter.

If they really wanted you guys to go they would have made sure your schedules were free for you to go. So don't feel bad to say no we have other commitments because in my opinion and this is only my opinion if they really wanted her to go they would have called you before the planning, when you are not consulted and you are invited after the fact I call that an "after thought", and who wants to compromise and important event based on that kind of invite? You already know what to do, you don't need us mamas! I'l chalk this post up as an vent! We're on your side! ;-)

I am floored that she would even suggest faking an illness!!

It also surprises Grandma doesn't want to reschedule vacation so she can be there to watch her granddaughter perform at nationals...

Your daughter can vacation anytime, National's may never happen again for her. No brainer in my book.

In-laws are out of line. Hubby needs to let them know that those dates DO NOT WORK for your family schedule. If they are willing the change the date, great if not, tell them to have a wonderful trip.

Dance Nationals. It may be a once in a lifetime opportunity. You can't count on qualifying again, next time it may not work out because of illness or injury. If your daughter has a chance to go, she should go and be at the rehearsal so she can do her absolute best for herself and her team.

There is always another vacation with the in-laws. If they really want your company, they can reschedule, or add another trip later that works with everyone's schedule. You already know what's best and what you want to do. Don't let them guilt you into compromising. Stand firm and good luck.

She has worked too hard to not get to go to Nationals. If they want her to go, they need to respect that and change plans. Just please don't leave it up to your daughter to decide. That's too much pressure.

It sounds like you, your husband, and your daughter are on the same page about it. I am also on your page. :)

Your in-laws did not consult you before scheduling the vacation, therefore they do not get to dictate what you do during that time. Nationals is important, and it is a commitment. She's worked very hard to be there, and she would regret not going. There will be other vacations. To me, there's really no huge decision here. If the in-laws don't understand that, then they should have asked you first!

ETA: I don't think you should leave it up to your daughter to make the decision. To me, this is a family matter, so you should be unified the whole way. Don't let it rest on your daughter's shoulders, let mama and papa bear have this one. :)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! GO TO THE COMPETITION!!!

She has worked HARD all year and there is a TEAM counting on her. It is not fair to THEM or HER to put her in this position! We are getting to go to Nationals for the first time this year as well. My daughter and her team are SUPER EXCITED and it is SUCH a wonderful learning experience with competition, workshops and FUN being recognized for the hard work.

Sounds like your MIL and MINE might be related!! HOW completely inconsiderate, rude and high handed to put the vacation that week. NUHHH UHHH I wouldn't put up with that...I hope you stick to your guns. It really makes me angry that they just blow off such an important event. RUDE!!!

I agree with you. It is early enough that it seems as if they could compromise and reschedule the vacation. Your daughter has worked very hard and although I don't know the dance industry well, it sounds like this is quite the honor. Faking an illness is not right and is teaching your daughter that this is an acceptable practice when we are trying to skirt around the rules. I think it's a little heavy-handed on their part to wring an admission of wanting to go on the vacation with them. What is a child to say when put on the spot? Make her grandparents feel bad? If your husband won't do it, then I would tell them myself that she's worked hard all year and your family will be participating in the nationals honor. Good luck!

Another vote to go to Nationals. Your in-laws are completely out of line.

We talk about life lessons for our kids, well, let this be a life lesson for your in-laws. If they want to take a vacation together, then they need to discuss it with you BEFORE they schedule it.

And while it is admirable that your husband wants to keep the peace, he needs to be the one to have this conversation with his parents. Please do not put this on your daughter- she is too young to have to deal with it.

<sigh> I feel for you. My in-laws have done something similar to this. It's frustrating. Good luck and I hope Nationals goes well for your daughter!

"My daughter told us that she wants to do the competition but she was afraid gramma would feel bad if she said she would rather dance than see them."

It sounds like you need to support her decision (which thankfully you agree with!) and help her deal with her grandparents. And thankfully your husband agrees too. He may not like it, but part of being a parent is sometimes having to be the fall guy. Let her tell her grandparents that you and hubby say she has to miss vacation and that she's sorry she'll miss going with them. Regardless if she does want to go to the competition, I'm sure part of her also is truly bummed about missing the vacation.

You and hubby need to keep a united front with his parents and be a broken record, "We're sorry you scheduled the vacation during a crucial week for daughter's dance competition. It's our family decision that she attend the competition. We're happy to look at the calendar and plan another time for her to join you. We know she loves spending time with you. You don't have to like our decision, but we're asking you to be respectful and not discuss this any further with daughter." Repeat as necessary.

You've already explained your reasons. They don't want to hear it, and you probably won't convince them. That's not important. What's important is that they stop making your daughter feel guilty.

You didn't mention how far away vacation was and how many practices she would miss...are they all week? Or is it just the dress rehearsal that she HAS to attend and when is that? Is there a way to compromise and go on the vacation for part of it and still have her home for the rehearsal and competition?

If not, then she has an obligation to be there for her team. They have worked together all this time as a team and w/ her missing, that would mess up their routine. I think it's important for her to learn that sometimes, we have to miss out on things, even if we want to do them, because that's life! (although, you said she seems to want to do dance anyway!)

I always tell my kids that once they start something, they will finish it. We have sports overlap all the time, but they have to finish one before going to the other. My husband has had to miss a part of baseball games to go coach my sons football team, w/out my son, because my son had a commitment to baseball first!

Anyway, this is ultimately up to you and your husband, and the inlaws are just going to have to deal if it doesn't go their way! Be prepared to look like the bad guy!

Your daughter should write a letter to her grandparents saying: "Dear Grandma and Grandpa, I really appreciate that you want us to go on vacation with you, and I would ordinarily love to go, however I made a commitment to my dance team and I cannot miss the rehearsal. I hope you understand that I have to stand by my commitments."

If they are still mad, then shame on them! Next time they will almost certainly check with you before scheduling a trip!

Your daughter made a commitment to her dance team that she needs to follow through with it. I feel at this point the decision is up to you and your husband, not your daughter. If she won't be able to go to Nationals if she misses the rehearsal before the competition due to being on vacation with the in laws, then she doesn't get to do both. Your in-laws are wrong for even suggesting that you lie to people to get her out of something she has committed to. And if you did that, what kind of example would that set for her.

Hubby and you need to tell them if they would like to change the days that they are going on vacation in order for her to go, that would be great, but your daughter isn't missing rehearsals to join them.

You both need to worry about what is best for your family rather than what is best for your extended family. Keep a united front and lead your daughter in to the direction of what is right.

Good luck to you all! Good luck at Nationals!!!!

You have put too much into her dance and she's worked too hard to miss the Nationals! I would tell your husband he needs to talk to his parents and get them to change their vacation. It's not good for her to miss those practices cause those ones are important. I agree with SweetChaosWith3 get your daughter to write them a letter if your husband will not try to get them to change. I now he wants to keep the peace but this is your daughter they are pulling in different directions.

Good luck and God Bless!

"Without consulting us first, my husband's family scheduled a vacation for the summer."

If they had checked with your schedule, you all might be able to go. I would go to Nationals. I personally would have a hard time lying about a sickness or something. She's worked so hard thus far and it'll be a great experience for her. Tell your in laws that you can all go on vacation again another time!

if they really cared if you went, they would have checked that you could go.
Yes family is important, but you made a commitment and need to keep it as best you can.
Is this a special once of a lifetime trip? If not, no brainer nationals

Hi! They should have asked before making plans for you. They should absolutely be made to understand you and your hubby are not mind readers and if they want to include you they have to ask first. If it was me I'd say no every time they scheduled something for me without asking first. But I used to be a nice person and I'm not anymore. You may not be there yet...
It's not fair to blow all the other girls chances at the competition because your daughter is going to miss practice, likely multiple ones the week before the big event, we always do extra. If your daughter wants to go with her grandparents then she needs to bow out so they can practice without her. She's ten, she has to decide what she wants to do and then be the one to tell everyone her choice - parents, grandparents, and dance teachers. I'm sure the poor kid was just trying to make everyone happy but she is really the only one that can put it right. Good luck!

I agree with you, she made the commitment and now she has to follow through.

I would not want to "teach" my child to lie to get out of a commitment. That's what "commitment" is all about.

I would first check with hubby's daughter and make sure she would still want to go if the rest of the family isn't going and if she does, I would tell in-laws that your daughter has a commitment and you are trying to teach a life lesson about honoring your commitments, so she will not be able to go on vacation with them, but that hubby's daughter can go and is very excited.

That way, it makes it seem like you are the one making the decision for your daughter and any bad feelings will be directed at you and not your daughter.

Well, it's time for your daughter to learn an EXTREMELY valuable lesson that will serve her for her entire life -say what she means, make a decision and stick to it!

Sit down with her and tell her that she has to decide. She has worked very hard in dance all year, and I'm sure this is a big honor. The dance team is correct in their rule -and your inlaws need to get the fact that they can't make allowances for one kid without doing it for everyone. If everyone missed practice the week before nationals -where would that leave the team? But, if she had rather go on a vacation with her family, then that's great too! YES, I think your inlaws really need to consult anyone in the family before making vacation plans for everybody, and they should not be surprised or hurt if someone can't make it.

Your daughter is going to have to learn to go with what SHE wants to do -regardless of what grandma thinks. Tell her it's VERY nice of her to consider her grandmother's feelings and that it's important to think of and consider those we love (because it is), but I think you or she can probably visit with grandma some other time -correct? Grandma should be able to see that a NATIONAL dance competition for a young girl would kind of take precedence over most anything else -and if she can't, then that's her problem. It's also her problem that she just went ahead and made plans without consulting any of you first! Ultimately though, your daughter is going to have to make her real feelings known. It will be good for her!

I would talk to the coach/instructor. Tell them that you know what the rule is and you don't disagree but your inlaws scheduled the family vacation for the week before the competition. Would they excuse your daughter from that last practice and still allow her to compete? That lets them know you know the rule and respect it and are asking ahead of time...then the ball is in their court to decide.

I would also talk to your daughter and say "I realize that you love to dance and want to do the competition AND would also love to go on the vacation. You have told us and your grandparents different things as to what you would prefer to do, I need to know which one you truly prefer to do IF you can't do both".

I must say that I am of the mindset to tell the inlaws that your daughter wanted to sign up for dance, enjoys it, and made a commitment to the team. You and hubby made a financial commitment based on that. Her committment is not complete until after the competition and therefore can not go on vacation/miss practice until after the competition. Your daughter can go the following week or another week but not the currently scheduled time.

Can you schedule a visit to her grandparents for another time (even if it's at their home, and not on vacation) or do a mini-trip to someplace like the Dells or Lake Geneva, etc for a weekend with them? Or just send her to their house for a week later on?

You don't say where they live... if they are local this would work, but of course, if they are far away, that presents a problem.... If you can let her go on the vacation for a night or two and then pick her up, that would be ideal, if it can work w/the dance schedule and all.

Otherwise, I just do the nationals... she knew going into this that she was making a commitment and she is old enough to be held to that, and it helps build character and responsibility. Just make the extra effort to see the grandparents soon, so neither party (daughter or g-parents) thinks you are "keeping them from each other."

I think your daughter should go to the competition. I also think you should explain the situation to the dance school and see if they are willing to make an exception to the rule. If they are, great - she can go on vacation. If not, too bad for the grandparents. Maybe they will learn their lesson and consult with you before making vacation plans and expecting you to accommodate them.

I'm a grandma and this is what I'd be thinking in this situation.

My granddaughter is telling me she wants to go on vacation and the mom is saying she "has" to go to this dance competition.

Your daughter has to tell grandma the truth. Grandma has to be able to understand that she needed to make sure about this date before booking the vacation. If I didn't understand about the policies of the studio I would be pissed too. It could be a lot of money, it could only be a drop in a bucket to them, but they wanted to spend that time with their family.

I would also ask them to please stop putting your child in the middle over this. It is too much pressure for a kid to have to decide about. She WANTS to compete, she WANTS to be with her family, she WANTS to go on vacation, she WANTS to please everyone. She is a kid, she needs a break here.

So that is why I would talk to the studio. I would tell them the basic gist of things. If they can be the least bit flexible then you have problem solved.

AND why in the world wouldn't grandma be flexible about this? This is a BIG FRICKING DEAL!!! Her granddaughter made it to NATIONALS!!!

I would think they would switch the destination to where nationals is being held so they could watch her compete.

Our studio hasn't competed in several years. The group that was really in to it all graduated and none of the moms really cared about doing it. Our dance teacher is thinking about getting some kids together and helping them to learn the ropes next year. My granddaughter is 8 and is totally stoked about this.

I would always want to be there for her and help her in any way I could.
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We have kids miss rehearsal for all kinds of reasons before shows. I know that's not the same as a competition but they just tell the owner what is going on. Since you are faithful to attend and she is doing well I would ask. That is the issue here with grandma. You won't even ask.

We have parents who are divorced and they have no choice, the kids have to miss every other weekend for visitation. Some kids have to do other activities too. The instructor knows about things like this.

I would never just not at least ask. I would talk to them about the possibility. All they can do is say no. Then I could tell grandma the results. BUT be prepared for the instructor to say it's okay too.

Have your husband and his daughter go on vacation, and you and your daughter stay for the dance competition. You can't lie your way out of this, why would you? That would look GREAT to the family, and to the dance team. You can't do that. And why should your husband and his daughter miss out on a nice family vacation? I understand they may want to see your daughter dance, but I'm sure it would be boring for them, up to the dancing part. They'd be waiting around on you all weekend to see the dance. I think this is a good idea too so your inlaws won't think so less of you, even though none of this is your fault. But you know how inlaws can be sometimes. Good luck.

Go to Nationals, don't feel bad. Your husband (since he does the communicating with them) must tell them to stop badgering your daughter about this.
Since she is so involved in dance you would think they would have consulted you about her schedule.

Its the nationals and a great opportunity for her. Could you go to the Nationals and your husband and other daughter go on the vacation. If my in-laws or even my parents planned a trip and didn't ask if we were busy, I would put my foot down and say NO, we can't go the vacation at that time because so and so has dance for the Nationals.

she made the commitment, she has to go, its not fair to her team that she is bailing on them

Ugghh! How frustrating! It sounds like your daughter wants to do the competition, but just doesn't want to hurt grandma. It does not sound like she wants to skip the competition at all. Don't make her decide or be in the middle - none of this is her fault. You/hubby make the decision that she is going to nationals. Personally, I would have no problem telling the in-laws that the problem lies in that they did not confirm dates with you before making plans, and that this has been in the works for months and that is where your daughter will be. Maybe this will change things for the future and they won't make the same mistake again. If they keep up with ridiculous guilt trips or trying to get you to lie, tell them it's not up for discussion any more and change the subject or get off the phone. I could not be comfortable with having my child miss this competition because some family member was walking all over me. If hubby wants peace in the family, it is up to him to be the spokesperson with his family to explain that you two are in charge of your family and not them, and that they have to have some considerations for your needs.

It's a shame that they've put your daughter in the middle of this. It's even more of a shame that they don't care about teaching good values to their grandkids (they seriously are telling you - and her - to lie?). You don't have to compromise your values in this - your daughter has made a commitment (that she enjoys); it would be unfair to the team for her to miss the final rehearsal; the in-laws scheduled the vacation without talking to you first. You are in the right to simply say, "next time, please talk to us before you schedule a trip that you want us to attend. We've made a decision as a family that [daughter] is going to honor her commitment to her dance team and attend the final rehearsal before Nationals. Please do not try to talk her or us out of it - we are not discussing it further." In doing this, you are teaching your daughter honesty and the value of honoring commitments. You also are teaching her that you don't have to let someone who is in the wrong tell you what to do - even if that person is someone you love.
Best of luck.

My daughter also dances competitively. Fair or not, we are told to hold off making personal vacation plans until finals are set. This year they are st for Myrtle Beach in July. We'll combine our summer vacation with that week.

I don't think it's fair to the rest of her troupe for her to miss the practice or finals. These kids dance all year long to get a routine perfect and when one person is taken out, it is beyond difficult. The last practice before the finals may be the one that makes or breaks the routine.

I hate to put it like this, but it's my experience.

I think you are right in your thinking and the rest of the family should support this. If your daughter's dance is anything like mine, then she should have her whole family behind her - my daughter does (minus one bonehead move earlier this month).

I think your husband needs to find some courage and tell his family this is what it is. I don't think your daughter should be given the option to bow out.

We have spent thousands on dance this year, and my daughter has no choice by to compete. If she doesn't want to do it next year that's fine...but it's a year long commitment.

I say too bad, so sad for the grandparents. I wouldn't let anyone lay a guilt trip on me for putting my kids first. Don't let them do it to you.

P.S. - GOOD LUCK IN FINALS!!!