Getting My 4 Year Old to Help

I feel for you on this one (4 year old daughter as well)! We tried a bunch of things, but two things have worked for us, one is we make it a race and if she finishes cleaning up her mess before I finish cleaning up my mess she wins. If that doesn't work then I warn her that whatever she leaves out goes in the garbage. I tell her that if she can't take care of her things and pick them up then she is not old enough to have them and they will be thrown away. She has seen me do it before, so that usually gets things moving pretty quickly! Good luck!

my new thing is to watch the super nanny for tips and tricks....she had one that involved setting a timer and using the time to clean up and all items needed to be picked up before the timer went off....like a game almost.
I am going to try it with my son as the play area is a HUGE mess again today....and I am tired of picking up the toys...I will see how he does with it.

Hi R., My 5 year old would not clean up after her projects. I finally told her that if she can't clean up after herself, she would not be allowed to do any art projects. I started out helping her pick up when she was done. If she does not clean up after, take all her supplies away and "put them in the trash". I really just put it away for a few days. She might come around. Good luck!

Hi
Take your daughter to the $ store and let her pick out a couple of bins-just inexpensive ones and talk with her about the fact that these will be just for her barbies and artwork. Remind her that when she plays with her toys she needs to pick up and put her stuff in her bins, before she gets to move on to the next activity. She really should not get another toy out until she picks up what she had out first. I am the director of a school aged child care program and see this every day-my children are 24 and 21 and I have a three year old granddaugher and a 1 year old grandson. Good luck and don't give up!

Hi R.,
I'm a mom of 6, soon to be 7, so picking up after them all is not even an option. There's no time like the present to teach them to pick up. What I do when they leave a mess is set the timer for what I think is a resonable amount of time for them to pick up, then let them know that if they don't have it picked up by the time it goes off, the stuff becomes mine. No argument, no discussion, and no getting it back. This sounds harsh, and it's hard to stay consistent, but it works. Just picture them as teenagers, and you as their maid -- it's a good motivator! :) Good luck.

Sometimes the preschool teachers have little songs about "It's clean-up time" - just build the clean up into the activity like it's part of it. We eat dinner, but we do preparation and we do dishes. We get up, but then we make the bed. If she cleans up quickly and without argument, then there is more time for the next activity. Otherwise, there is arguing time and no next activity. I agree you shouldn't do it for her. You cannot reward her for not doing her job. There are sticker charts and all those behavior modification tools - you can try that. We did put all my son's toys in the attic when he didn't clean - we left his stuffed animals and his books, but took the cars and trucks. Those are big boy toys, we told him, for kids old enough to take care of them.

You could consider a little table in the kitchen for her to use - like a Little Tikes table. She can keep her stuff on the table but if she wants to do a new activity, she'll have to clean it up. That keeps it off your kitchen table. The container stores and WalMarts sell little drawer units (plastic) that can hold crayons in one drawer, paper in another, scissors and punches and glue sticks in a third, etc. Those might be fun to use and help her organize in sensible ways. I cut out the picture from a box of crayons and taped it to the crayon drawer, put a picture of scissors on the scissor drawer, etc. so my son could figure it out for himself. I also put his toys in big totes and put pictures on the outside - trucks and cars in one, trains and pieces of track in another, etc. You could do that with the Barbies. Then stand your ground and don't allow TV or a trip to the park until she does it. I used to stand with my coat on and say I'm ready to go to the park whenever you are ready. I'd sit there with a magazine or a crossword puzzle and just wait. After a half hour, I'd take off my coat and say, "Well I guess there isn't time to go now after all. You wanted to argue, and so that's how we spent the day."

She's a little too young - maybe - for you to make excuses back at her about why breakfast isn't ready or why you didn't wash her clothes. That works great when they are older.

Definitely don't give in to the blackmail though! Good luck - we've all been there!

Hello,

Make cleaning up fun! Try doing a race to see who can clean up the quickest or sing a silly song while cleaning up. My 5 year old had a big problem with cleaning up after herself so we would make it fun for her. How many toys can you pick up in a minute, let's sing and dance while cleaning up and now we barely have to tell her to pick up the messes she has made and she also is aware to put away one mess to make another. Good luck.

This technique worked really well with a little boy i was working with that was just really oppositional. We turned following directions into a game. Every time he would do what I asked I would give him an uno card (the type of card or the item doesnt really matter, its just what I had on me at the time. Poker chips work really well too). First I would start by having him do something really silly like turn in a circle or jump up and down. Every time he complied he would get a card. If he made a certain amount of cards then he would get a reward, for him it was gum (his parents didnt mind). When he didnt comply right away, I took a card away (which he didnt like) but gave him another opportunity to earn it right back.

Doing this we went from a 2 hour homework session to a 45 minute homework session. It works (usually) for anything u want a young child to complete. It keeps them motivated as long as u have a happy or silly attitude about it. And give LOTS of praise every time she picks something up for you.

Also only let her take out a few things at a time to save u some headache.

Hope this helps.

I have the same issue - the mess drives me batty along with dried out markers! We've tried taking away drawing/coloring privilege when this issues arises. It works for a bit for us but we seem to keep going back- maybe we don't stick to it long enough......but perhaps it could work for you.

My sister puts her kids' toys in time out if the kids fight over them or refuse to pick them up, I think it's pure genius. She also just threw some crayons away once after her 2yo drew on the wall - she'd tried the time out thing and that didn't work for him but throwing them in the trash (in front of him) really got his attention.

Hi R.,
I have found four year old little girls can be very strong willed. I have three girls 16, 13, and 4. With my first two girls I had a little more trouble with getting them to pick up their toys.(The barney clean up song always worked prior to four years old.) We want them to learn to pick up after themselves and be neat adults, but with my four year old daughter now I have learned that she will happily clean her toys if we do it together. As mothers we have so much to do in a period of 24 hours,( you have two babies to take care of also) but another five minutes to clean up toys together saves you a battle and some stress. You are still teaching her that we must clean up after ourselves, but you are making it a little more fun and she is doing something with Mom. At 16 and 13 my older two still don't like cleaning their rooms, but who really does. As the oldest daughter I'm sure you will find she will be a big help to to you in so many ways as time goes on.

You need to find as way to make this fun, not an awful chore. There is a Clean It Up sing by Laurie Berner (and they sing ones like it in Pre-SChool). Maybe get her an organizer for her crafts? like a carry tray.

Thee is a show called 'Neat' and on their website it shows ways to organize things so it si easir to put away..

Good Luck,

Hi R. -

I saw this neat chore board at Target. It has magnets/the days of the week/ and simple chores for little kids. Everytime they do a chore you and your daughter put a magnet on the board. What I would do is offer her a treat when she has picked up her toys and done her chores. Make it a fun kind of game instead of punishment for not doing it.

My 4 yr old does the same thing. I figure if she can pick up a little of the mess then that's good enough. Maybe easing up a little would help. Sometimes being told what to do will push them the other way. Just have her pick up, say, the scissors and paint then praise her for helping out. evetually she will learn that helping out is a good thing and it gets rewards. I also sing a song that goes " Clean up, Clean up every body, everywhere. Clean up , clean up everybody does their share." Make it a happy thing and not something that is a boring chore.
Hope this helps,
A.

This works well with my son:
"I'll put it away, but I'm going to put it where I think it belongs." The first time - I told him I thought it was trash, and he didn't pick something up - I threw it away. I refused to buy another one - and said he didn't take care of his first one. He was able to use his his b-day money.. but not mine. :-)

He now picks up his things if he wants to continue to use them... All it took was once.

R.,
Having a clean up time or more than one clean up time works well. Another thing that works is to tell your child that she may not play with anything else until the previous mess has been cleaned. This of course works best if there aren't too many toys out within reach. Then the mess doesn't become to overwhelming for her. It also means that she needs help getting some toys. She would have to ask and your response would be, OK, as soon as you clean your mess I'll get that toy for you.
I hope this helps!

Hi - My 4 yr old son does help but when he makes a mess, always wants "help". some things he didn't want to do (silly things like throw a ball to the dog for a few minutes after we get home) Anyway I am a flybaby (story for another time!) and there's a related website to teach kids how to be organized & clean. I wasn't going to use this program myself but i had noticed that he would always pick up his mess when I get out the vacuum (we play a game called chase & run) So after we checked out the videos on the house fairy website - he is much neater and doesn't complain about cleaning!!!I would suggest checking out the house fairy website. It makes it FUN for the kids!! www.housefairy.org

Good luck!

check out http://www.housefairy.org/

We made a "trade out" the toys/crafts rule. I kept some of the toys/crafts just our of reach and if they wanted to play with them they had to pick something that was already out (all over the floor) to "trade out". They have to clean up whatever they are done with in order to get the desired toys/crafts out. And now I can leave everything pretty much within their reach and they remember the "trade out" rule. It's perfect, but most days it works pretty well. We also made the clean up before you leave rule. Although, the dried out markers still make me crazy too.
Hope this helps.

A little about me: I am the mother of a 3 year old, 2 year old and 8 month old...all boys!

Set the timer for the amount of craft time you will have. Tell her that because you are the one cleaning up, it will need to be 5 minutes earlier, so that you will have the time to clean.

I used to tell my kids that I was going to get Kirby(our vacuum) to help clean up. They knew it sucked up everything in its path and they would be instantly motivated to clean!!

You could try making it a game for her -- both my 6 year old and almost 3 year old love to try to beat a timer and pick up their stuff before the timer runs out.

Dear R.,

First, I admit that I'm not a mom, so take this with a grain of salt. Yet, I've worked with all different ages of kids. A 4-year old is certainly capable of being somewhat tidy, but she also is articulating a sense of not being able to do it. So have you looked at ways to simplify things for both of you?

For example, do you have a place for her to pile things in that is simple and easy-- something like a big plastic tub that can be closed up in an accessible corner of the kitchen and so not look messy, but not be difficult to put things into either. At 4, something which seems no problem to an adult, might truly seem difficult or too complicated to her, ie putting things away in different places or organizing them too much.

Also, as is so often told, these young years fly by. It may be a good approach to "offer up" the next year or so of "mess". By making it such a big deal, you are hurting your relationship, your temper, and your daughter's sense of trust. All she sees is that you are taking away her beloved toys. If you remove them from her too long, she will no longer want to even play with them. Children outgrow toys pretty quickly.

An approach a friend used with her daughter was when the girl misbehaved, she put the toy on a "time out". So maybe try this with your daughter. Instead of removing them indefinitely, why not give the toy a definite "time out" period of a few hours or days. Something concrete and easy to remember. If you do this consistently, she will start to grasp the concept and yet have a hope of seeing her toys again. So, let's say she won't clean up her Barbies. Well, then they will be on time-out for 2- days. (Because she probably would otherwise wait until the next day anyhow.) But then you give them back to her right away. If she still fails to put them away, then perhaps another 2-day wait. If the pattern doesn't improve in 3-tries, then maybe add a day to the "time out period".

With the paints, I would break down the tasks for her. Help her with the clean up like a kindergarten teacher. Create a big poster with the steps on it in words and pictures. So have a scisors/paper box, a paint set, and a wastebasket on this sign which should be hung near her work/play area. Then teach her to look at the sign and do the steps with you. If you are doing it together, maybe even singing a special song or something as you do it (Mary Poppins cleaning up the nursery song comes to mind), I bet she'll start to join in. Then as she masters the steps, you can back off by promising certain rewards, like an excursion or cookie, when she has them all done.

Otherwise, you are just giving the two of you headaches that neither of you want or need. Better off enjoying her than fighting with her all the time, but best to train her by helping her learn the right way to do it and giving her the attention and teaching she needs to stay on track and motivated until she learns more self-control and self-motivation (something that normally comes with age...)

God Bless,
S.

Hi,

I also have a strong-willed 4-year-old (almost 5) who sometimes doesn't want to pick u a thing. I've found that simply telling her to pick up her things doesn't work. Often I need to get actively involved with her. I get frustrated and treaten to take things away but I know it won't work. She wants me to help, that is, to be doing something with her. And I must remind myself, she is only 4. She won't consistantly do all the picking up herself. Any times she voluntarily helps out in the kitchen, with the laundry, or any other housework, we make a big deal out of what a good girl she is and that makes a big difference. She learns through that that helping others makes people happy. As for cleaning up her toys, we do the "basketball" game of throwing all the dolls and animals in the laundry basket used for her toys, for paper we "pick it up, crush it up, put it in the trash," and for other things I need help with, all I need to ask is "who's my best helper?" and she and her almost 3-year-old sister compete for getting more of the job done. Also, as a prerequisite for starting a new activity or a video, we must clean up first.

Hi,
Welcome to my world with my three year old daughter who has a clear objective of making huge messes with anything and everything. I have tried the "taking away the object" and time outs, but she sometimes literally shows me the mess like with the magic markers that she wrote on herself or anything but paper to get a reaction. She usually does this as I have discovered when she is bored or idle. I have also gotten her to not proceed to anything else until she picks up the mess she created. She hates waiting to do the next thing and ends up cleaning the mess because she wants to move on to the next activity in the house. At three, my daughter is extremely proficient at using the home computer and is not happy when she cannot use it, so I will get her to clean up or she will lose time for the computer. Also, I try to make it fun like throwing clothes through a basketball hoop that she has in order for her to put her clothes in the basket instead of all over the room. I might grab her and race her to make a challenge of who can pick up the most toys in a certain amount of time. Just some suggestions. I also try to get her involved in general cleaning of the house, so she sees that the house needs daily cleaning and that just like mom, she can be a big girl or adult and do it too. She loves mopping the floor and emptying the dryer.
I hope this helps a bit.
Candace

Make it a game. See how many pieces she can pick up faster than you. Or sing (like Barney does) the "Everybody clean up" song. That makes it fun and enjoyable rather than a chore.

You are doing the right thing with the Barbies. If she cannot be responsible for taking care of them and picking them up, she should not have the privilege of having them. Kids need to understand that with having their own things come the responsibility of taking care of them. I would take her arts and crafts things away too, and see what happens. Maybe she will start to take it more seriously if she starts to loose toys she refuses to take care of.

From age 1, my son and I would sing the clean up song(barney) and see who could clean up more. He always wanted to win. Until he was about 5, we did it together. After a while of doing this, he began to do it alone. My nephew is 2 1/2 and now even puts DVDs back when he is done. It takes practice and doing it together.

Hi R.,

I don't have time to read through all the other responses, so I'm not sure if anyone else has said this yet, but...

My gut instinct is to start small and let her work her way up. For instance, let her pick ONE color of paint and ONE piece of paper to work with. If she helps you clean up afterwards, then she can have TWO colors of paint the next time. Same idea for Barbies--give her one doll at first and let her play with that for a day or two. If she helps clean up when she's done, then give her a second doll the next time. Keep going until she's earned all her colors and all her Barbies back.

Hope that helps!