Getting Rid of 17-Yr Old Son's Girlfriend

When my now 37 year old sister was 14, she dated an 18 year old. Only after learning they were sleeping together did my parents forbid it. They snuck around for about 2 years after that. forbiden love! Through observing what other parents have done, and all the rules I watched my own sisters and friends break, this is what I decided will work best when my kids are old enough to date: all dating under the age of 18 should be only as part of family events. No going out on alone dates, and no cars. But they can spend time together at family-get-togethers and in the home when parent's are home.
I knew one family that did it this way and it worked so well for them. Since the only time they were allowed to spend together was focused on family events, it drove away the one's that were only interested in sex. Since the newcomer was forced to get to know the whole family, they were less like to treat eachother as sex objects and were more respectful of the rules in general. This method demonstrated to children that forming a friendship happens before the getting naked part. this really eliminates the forbiden love element.

Hi C.,
As previously mentioned, try to keep you son involved in activities that will not allow free time. As well, talk to him and explain the consequences of dating a young girl, sex, and STD's. He will probably act as if he is not interested or embarrassed, but they listen. I used wait til we were in the car and just talk. It felt like I was talking to myself, but I just kept talking.

Best of luck.
C.

Hi C.,

Hang in there. Dating is tough! I used to teach high school. My best advice is to talk to your son calmly about your concerns about his dating this girl (or any girl, for that matter). Express your and your husband's expectations for him as clearly as possible. Tell him what your dreams are for his life. Listen to his. Tell him about the consequences that he will face if he strays from your expectations and common sense.

In my experience, teens want to talk to adults about things and they will talk to their parents (eventually) if they feel safe to do so. The hard part is trying to talk to them without losing it. (I am a passionate person so I know this can be really hard!)

With my own students, I was always worried about their health (sad to say, teens do get and pass on STDs) and their hearts. I never wanted anything bad to happen to any of my students. Just talk to your son--I bet he will listen if you are calm and logical.

Also, one mistake parents made was assuming that because they had teens that the teens were "grown up". They're not. They need their parents almost more than younger children. They're trying to figure out how to be adults. Also, be aware that teens get into the most trouble between 3pm and dinnertime during the week. The things students wrote me about in their journals would make your hair stand on end. The healthiest, happiest students are those who are occupied after school.

Best wishes,
D.

I addition to reading 10 Stupid Things Men Do to Ruin Their Lives, I have two words for him: Statutory Rape.

C., what a terrible situation. I think the bottom line is he is going to see who he wants to see and the more you push to get him away from her the more of a novelty this girl becomes to him. You can not lock him up or be with him 24/7. Forbidding him to see her will only create a situation to where he sneaks! I would rather open the doors of communication, and be "In the Know" with what is going on, rather than be lied to, or have him sneak around behind your back. I think you should trust your parenting up to this point, and hope that your son has been raised with enough of a value system and adequate respect for women to realize in time that she is not the best pick for him. I would definitely make sure to make his health a priority. You might want to get some pamphlets from planned parenthood regarding STD's and the use of condoms. If this girl is the type to mess around with more than one guy and at such a young age, you can at least do everything you can to keep your son protected. Perhaps if he does not feel that you are absolutely opposed to his decision but concerned about his health and safety he will become bored with the situation and move on. I think if you are too severe on him then he will rebel, and trust and communication between the two of you is something that needs to last a lifetime, this girlfriend most likely WILL NOT!

Hi C.,

I told my son that girls that date older boys are looking for a father fiqure and looking for excitment in their lives. sex,drinking,drugs ect... and for a older boy to be dating a girl 17 to 14 is quite a difference when you look at the stages of the body and the maturity the kids have as they grow. You might want to ask your son why he cant get a girl his own age. ( I am NOT judging you or your son). I went through a similar experience when I was fourteen. I often regret the decisions i made in the past and I feel your son almost being an adult should try and show better judgment. So with that you try and show him in other ways her age and build up his confidence. Also make his life really busy and complicated. Try and take his time up during the day's and weekends so he dosent have time to see her as much. examples-
join a family gym, kick boxing, family weekends away. school activities she really cant relate to. I hope this helped in some way and good luck.

I remember those days, if my parents tried to tell me who to see it just made me want to see them more. I think you should calmly tell your son why you don't think he should see this girl. Then let him make his own decision about it. Make sure to let him know that he doesn't deserve to be cheated on. It must be frustrating for you to see him with her, but just think of it as him learning a lesson about relationships. Hopefully he'll get out of this relationship soon.

C.,

My son is also 17.... He is not dating a 14 yr. old, but an 18 yr old, AND they went off to College together..... I have found that you cannot tell or forbid your teens to not do something. I would try not to make a big deal out of it and maybe he will see her for who she really is. This will keep your relationship healthy. Just ask questions without attacking him. Be open with your feelings and let him tell you how he feels without judgment. We have done this and it has kept our relationship good. It is such a hard situation.
Good Luck,
T.

When does he turn 18? His age alone will prevent him from "legally" seeing her...
You have got a loophole, use it to your advantage...

If your son is going to be 18 years old soon.... you better check and make sure what the LEGAL age of "sexual"
consent is... if he becomes 18 years old and is seeing this 14 year old GIRL... and they have sex etc., he could be in big trouble.

Here are some links:
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_legal_dating_age_in...
http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/534180
http://www.worldlawdirect.com/forum/family-law-matters/50...
http://archives.starbulletin.com/2000/08/25/news/story3.html
http://www.avert.org/aofconsent.htm
http://www.livestrong.com/article/12483-age-consensual-sex/

*I would also make extra sure... that your son is aware of birth control.... what if this girl is the type that tries to get pregnant on purpose? She seems like an "easy" girl... and fools around a lot. Her behavior is not appropriate. Do her Parents know this? Perhaps, you should talk to her Parents.

Either your Son heeds your advice and stops seeing her, OR they will keep doing it and "hiding" it. Regardless... you want to 'stay in the loop' about his life and this relationship....otherwise you will not know what is going on and you won't be able to trouble-shoot and help protect your son if he gets in trouble over this. This girl sounds like trouble and very manipulative- dangerous. I'm sure her Parents must think she's the most "innocent" girl.

Where is your Husband in all this? HE should be sitting down with your Son and having a "man to man" talk.... bluntly and respectfully. BOTH individuals being able to talk it out.

Good luck,
Susan

Hello C.:

Tough age to tell anything to. I think the more you tell him not to see her the more he will want to. And it sure doesn't help that a 14 year old's parents think it is OK for a 17 year old to see her. All you can hope for is that he gets tired of her and her fooling around with other boys and possibly a girl more closer to his age will get his attention.

Hi C., I have a simular story to share with you, but first let me say, at 17 all's you can really do is advice and prayer, when kids get a certain age and you try and forbid them to see someone then they start to play the sneaking around game, the lieing game and it escalates from there, I have a son who is 21 and at 19 he starting dting a 15 year old girl, who's mother adores my son, I sat down and i have a talk with my son telling him that he coud get in a lot of trouble dating a 15 year old, he said no worry mom were not sleeping together, she's to young for that, and were going to wait til were married ( We raised our kids in the church ) I told him if her mom ever gets mad at you about something, she can get you in trouble, so I backed off, and he continued to see her, she's a lovely girl, and to make a long story short my son is now 21 and she is 18 and they are still together, and still have a pure dating relationship. C. all's you can do is share your opinions with your son, here's a trick befriend this girl make her welcome at your home at least then he's home not somewhere else with her. J. L.

Tell her parents you forbid her from seeing him.

Dear C.,
He will be 18 and you will not have any legal input over him at that time. Are her parents aware of her "fooling around"..(do you mean sexual activity?)? Apparently the parents really like your son. Has he brought her to your house? Maybe you should encourage this so you can keep an eye on activities as well as really get to know the girl. Have her to supper or do something with them. Will he be graduating this coming June? What are his plans? After he graduates and continues with college or training, the relationship may just disappear. On the other hand, if they really love each other, you need to have a relationship with her that is good. He does not want to mess up his future (and after 18 and he is an adult it would be considered illegal to have sexual relations with her). Help him understand that he needs to look at the "big" picture...that both of them are only in high school and need to discuss the future. He also needs to understand about sexual diseases if she is "sexual active". Talk to them about commitment that marriage takes and that it is wrong to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage. He may get angry, but since you love him, you need to make sure his knows these things in a loving way, he should remember it...perhaps when he needs to do so. Make sure both his father and you talk to him so he will know you are on the same page.
I also suggest that you talk to the parents and perhaps discuss your concerns and need for adult being at the house and aware of their activities so they do not get into problems they will regret latter. Perhaps with a loving conversation, you will feel it is better under control.
You could call Dr. Laura and see if she has suggestions for exactly what you might say to both your son and the girl's parents.
Often pushing him away will only result in him trying to get more of this relationship. My sister eloped because my parents did not want her to continue a relationship with the man and told her not to have it. That is why I feel you should try to get to know the girl rather than tell him he can't see her.
I wish you the best in all these hard decisions,
H.
H.

C.,

Wow. You know I think as women, we know how girls work. Especially when we want what we want...right? When I was younger, dating was not an option and if I went anywhere with a boy (even friends) my Mom drove us (even at 17) or my sister had to come along (we're 4 years apart). It scares me to hear how this 14 year old is probably manipulating your son.

First, I would suggest thinking about when you were a teen...were you close with your parents? What rules did they have that you didn't agree with? Use that as a way to form your discussions with your son. I agree with Susan, this girl is trouble, but if you push him to 'get rid of her' he may just hide it from you and that could be worse!!

Has your husband tried to talk to him? I know that as a girl, I would feel weird if my Dad had approached me about feminine issues when I was a teen. This is such a confusing time for boys and girls, and your son needs guidance...try to not alienate him with anger or frustration, but work with him to see that this girl is shady.

I remember being a teen girl, and dating boys my Mom hated. She was a teacher at one of my school's and she always managed to find a way to show me the truth of the situation without making me hate her for it...one example, I was dating a boy, who claimed he was not with his girlfriend anymore. My Mom knew different, and found a way to show me he had been lying. She drove me to a gathering of friends at a Halloween party and he was there with this girl, becuase he thought I couldn't make it. I was hurt, but my Mom knew better and she was very crafty but, it saved me a lot of heartache.

Good luck with your son.

I'm only 22 so I remember what this felt like. The more you push him to leave her, the more distance he will put between you two. Maybe letting him see her but putting down some ground rules together with him will help him feel more in control of his own life but he'll have boundaries that will make you feel more comfortable. Teens do need to make their own mistakes to learn about life but I know being a mother makes you want to protect your son. I would just definately make sure he knows everything about safe sex since this girl seems to be sexually active.

I would recommend having him read 10 Stupid Things Men Do to Ruin There Lives, Dr Laura. This should be mandatory reading for men and women of dating age. They have it for women to.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but you have to let him see this girl. The more you try to force them apart, the more appealing she becomes in his eyes. If she really is bad news, he will see it eventually. You've raised him to make smart choices - now show him that you trust him to make these important decisions on his own.

Please make sure that he has accurate information about sex and most importantly condoms! You will be rid of this girl when your son tires of her, unless she gets pregnant. Then you will all be stuck with her forever. Don't let that happen! The world doesn't need another baby who is raised by parents who hate each other.

17 year old boys aren't known for their long attention spans when it comes to girls. Give it time and he will move on when he is ready.

Good luck!!

HI C.! Ok so advice from a 25 year old female who remembers exactly what you are talking about! I remember my parents not liking a few of my boyfriends I dated in high school. But them telling me I couldn't date them, see them, whatever made me feel like I was in charge of my life and i was going to do it anyway. Don't you remember looking back and thinking if I only knew then what I know now! Well sit down with him, tell him exactly how you feel about his situation! I know he is your child but if he wants to rebel and act like an adult, then treat him like one. Have an adult conversation, be honest, whether its just that you don't like her and why (ex. she is too young for him, she can't be trusted, she may be ready to experiment with things that he might not be ready for and he may feel pressured to go along with it, etc.), be completely honest ith him! Have the sex talk! I'm serious! Ask if he is havig sex if you already don't know! Talk to him about STD's, talk to him about what happens when he turns 18 and his situation could get dangerous ( she's then a minor!)! Ask him why he likes her, how he feels about her fooling around with another girl's boyfriend, I mean if you verbalize your concerns with his relationship maybe it'll give him a different perspective and hopefully he'll feel that he can talk to you about anything and everything! If you think she's too young and "loose" for her age (well a "slut at any age is just a "slut") tell him you are concerned with HIS sexual activity, with him contracting an STD because of her "looseness", that you think she is too aggressive! It might be awkward but I promise talking WITH him and not AT him and not telling him what he shouldn't do will save your relationship. Work on your personal relationship now, and it will keep the lines open for the future! Hell, I'll talk to him if you'd like! haha! You seem like an amazing mom to be so concerned, it'll all work out! Best wishes!

I don't have time to read all the responses, but RIGHT now your son could be in trouble if he's having sex with her. It would be a misdemeanor, but he could still be charged. Intervene now...I'm talking from experience, for my son it was too late. AND don't have him make ANY statements to the police, they will hold it against him. I know you love your son, so do whatever it takes...even if it means telling the girl's parents you don't want her around, because SHE could also be charged with a misdemeanor as well.

If your hubby hasn't been involved, he needs to be. A trip to an attorney or the police station to explain the consequences of being involved with a minor child may open his eyes.

How long has it been going on? Could he be looking for more attention with the new baby in the house? Have your hubby up his father-son time, your son definietly needs it regardless.

I'm not really sure what your problem is here? The age? The fact that she's agressive? Or you just don't like her? I don't agree with many of the posts here. If they're both in high school, then what's the big deal? 14 year old girls tend to be mature, while 17 year old boys tend to be immature, so they are about right for each other! And, what does "seeing" mean? They are a couple at school? Or they are actually dating? Alone? Or in a group? Kids, esp jr highers and early high schoolers often say they are "dating", but it's just at school, they're not actually going anywhere or doing anything. And, what do you mean by "fooling around"? Sex? Kissing? Hanging out? I would suggest setting some ground rules. No "alone" dates; allow group dates or only school sponsored activities; no hanging at the girls house, only yours when home, etc. Get to know her and keep a close eye on the situation. And, let him know the consequences of sex, and the risks after he turns 18.

I'd sit down and talk with him. Make sure he knows that there are potential drastic, legal consequences, to his actions. Since the girl's family likes him I'd suggest you make it really comfortable for her to be in your house. I would always rather they be in my house than someone else's. Who knows, if you befriend her the motivation to date her may be gone! What does your husband have to say? He might have some insight's that you don't.

Unfortunately you have no control over his love life.

Remember what you did when you couldn't see that older guy in high school?

Saw him anyway and became more devious about it, right? And stopped talking to your parents because they obviously didn't understand you? That is the typical scenario.

Your son will make his own mistakes. He could be gone in 1 year and then what will you do? Ground him?

Set up a way to talk about these things now that will be the foundation for a life of talking about things together. Help him be as responsible as he can in the circumstances and be there to talk to especially when the s.... hits the fan AND DO NOT SAY I TOLD YOU SO!!!!

Look at winning the whole war not just one battle.

So far, until he is 18, he is not breaking any laws that I am aware of. Make sure he is well aware of what the laws are! Make sure he is well aware of how to protect himself-- and her--sexually! There's not much else you can realistically do. You can rant and rave, you can lock him up, you can send him away...but are these realistic solutions for you?

Actually, she sounds like the type of girl who will get bored with him soon.....

Your son needs your support. He will use this as rebellion if you set it up that way. He is trying to become a man. Let him. Try to regain his trust so that you can guide him.

If you had his trust the real conversation might be around what he gets from the relationship that is so special to him. Something is fascinating to him about her that he is not finding other places. You might find out some very interesting, informative and important things about your son.

Forbidding never solved anything that I have seen. It just tears relationships apart. AND it doesn't work! Given a chance he may just get bored of her but you are sure making her exciting over and over again....

Just my opinion. Thank you so much for caring sooooo much and loving your son sooooo much. Your concern touches me deeply. I know this is difficult.

Take a deep breath and ride it out. This too shall pass and remember what resists, persists.

My 18 year old son agrees with my answer, by the way. I just asked him his opinion....

Love,
Deb

You cannot forbid when it comes to matters of the heart. The more you push and get involved, the worse the situation will be. You need to lay off the issue, back off, minimize it. And do not make the mistake of trivializing his feelings. It may seem like puppy love or a crush to you, but it is extremely important to him. My sons are 26, 23, 21 and 9. I've been through it. There is nothing you can do except state your opinion and concerns in a calm and loving manner. No threats, no ultimatums, no high drama. That will only make matters worse. Hang in there! You have two more batches of teen years to live through.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. The more you forbid it, the more he will run to it. In his mind you are questioning his judgement and he is now out to prove you wrong, even if he knows in his mind/heart that you are right. The best you can do is be there to listen to him. Soon enough, he will see this girl for what she is and ON HIS OWN will drop her. It is really hard to sit back and watch your kids make mistakes. Good luck.

You do have a say in everything in your son's life. I believe its how you talk to your child about his life. Oh C. I have been in you shoe's.Dont miss um, but I'm sure I'll be wearing them again.;) I am the mother of a 21 yr old son, a 20 yr old daughter, a 17 yr old son and a 4 yr old. Believe me when I say be involved. Remember her parents will always love him when thier daughter is happy. Lets see how much they love him when they have that teen drama. Your son is 17 and that child is only 14? As mother's of young men we need to teach them that there is a legality in these relationships. My experience is forbidding them from seeing or talking to one another will never work. Oh how I wish it did. Let him know where you stand about him having sex. Let him know how things can turn around on him because he is so much older than her. I found that with my boys. They will do what they will. But they do take in what I think of the relationship. Remind him that there will be women that come and go in his life. That he is still years away from Ms. Right. I will pray for the three of you.

I'm sure you have already tried to have a VERY serious talk with him. Tell him you understand you have feelings for her, but she is still a baby herself. On top of it, she has already displayed signs of bad behavior. You don't want your son thinking it is ok to "settle" when it comes to relationships. She is simply not good enough for your son. I would tell him that. As far as her mother goes..... what a sick *ucker.
If you are Dead serious and he is disobaying you. Tell him that the DAY he turns 18 and he is still seeing this girl.......tell him you will report him to the police.(she will still only be 15 years old)
Hopefully, this will make him realize that what he is doing is really against the law.
Gosh...good luck with this. He needs to know that this is NOT ok.

As much as you'd like to, you can't make that decision for your son. At 17, he's probably not going to be with her for too long...but people have a tendency to want what they can't have therefore, the more you try to keep them apart, the harder they'll fight to be together. That said, you need to educate your son, but don't make it about her...there will be plenty of other girls that he'll need to have this information for as well.
You need to make sure that he is using protection if they are sexually active...and even if he says they aren't, make sure that he has protection. Make sure that he knows about the types of STD's that he can get and possibly live with for life! Educate him on the fact that once he's 18, he can be arrested and have a permanent record listing him as a sex offender if he is involved sexually with a minor.
Good luck to you.

Don't forbid him to see her, don't say anything negative about her, don't, don't, don't. These are teenagers -- if you freak out and forbid anything, that just makes him cling to her and defend her more. Better to say only positive things about her, then supervise the hell out of them. Have the girl spend time at your house rather than vice-versa. Invite her along on activities, have her over after school so they can do homework together, etc. etc. Drive them everywhere, get to know her parents, etc. Meanwhile when she's not around, talk to your son in general about sex, about contraception, about how it feels to really care about somebody, how people who love and respect each other behave toward each other, etc. etc. -- without EVER specifically dragging this girl into the conversation. You want him to decide on his own that this girl is really not right for him (and with the age difference he'll probably decide that pretty quickly as long as he doesn't feel like you're constantly trying to keep them apart). My mother used to react negatively to all my boyfriends. Not only were her comments extremely irritating to me, it made me less willing to approach her with questions about relationships or sex, and in one case I maintained the relationship far longer than I would have otherwise because I didn't want to prove her right that the guy wasn't a great choice. Seriously, do not ban this girl from your son's life. They'll just sneak around behind your back and that's not the direction you're trying to go here. Remember the lesson from Romeo & Juliet. Good luck.

I completely get how frustrating this situation is for you. Obviously, telling him what to do or not do isn't working because he's resorted to sneaking around with her. I think the best approach for you to take right now is to seem very disinterested in the fact that he is seeing this girl and just offer him little tidbits of choice wisdom to sit on and ponder so that he can learn how to make decisions for himself from a point of empowerment and wisdom instead of defiance and rebellion. But the only way this can work is if you and your husband start playing it really cool with him, start treating him like someone who is capable of making good decisions (that way there's nothing for him to rebel against), and be very casual when you drop the pearls of wisdom that you think he needs to know in order to make better decisions for himself. I think if you start doing this, he may not make the decisions that you want him to make right away, but he will be more open to listening to you and will hopefully start taking more responsibility for his decision making process.

Hi C.

I have found that if you become friends with your sons/dauthers friends they are less likely to be serious with them. I have an 18 year old daughter, a 17 year old son and a 12 year old daughter. They have a lot of friends that I don't like, but it is better to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. :-) Good luck.

D.