My girl friend from college 13 year old son died, I was wondering if I should take my two boys to the wake. They don't know the boy well, but have played with him.
I deceided not to take them. I am going to set them down and tell them about the death. I agree with all it will be better for my friend not to have them there, I never thought of that. I agree with the video games out there that have killing, so I will talk to them about it. Even if he didn't die from a bullet. Thanks so much for all your advice. C. S
I can't say that you should or should not take him, but if it were me, I would not. To see a child who has passed away is almost sure to create fear, anxiety, and uncertainty in the mind of a child, no matter how well prepared or mature they are, and even if they didn't know him well. Just my opinion.
C.,
My aunt and uncle both died unexpectedly in the same year. I was 7 at the time, and I went to the wakes and funerals. It did not have any "bad" consequences. Death is a part of life and children need to learn about it without it being all hush-hush - that just heightens the fear factor, I believe.
When I was in fourth grade, a schoolmate a year older died in a motorcycle accident. I didn't go to that funeral and have always wished that I had. It didn't seem real for a long time that Kevin was gone.
As for reminding the deceased's mother of what she has lost, She won't need any reminding. She will think about her son for the rest of her life, every day, and will at times want to talk about him and share both her grief and her wonderful memories. Don't make the topic taboo, you can't "remind" her about her son. Just follow her lead. That will help her the most.
I think the kids should go IF THEY WANT TO. Don't force the issue either way.
Good luck and my condolences on your friend's - and your - loss.
Would you let us know what happens and how it goes?
C.,
I personally would not take them to the wake. You can talk to them about it, and let them know what happened, but death is very difficult for children to process, and it may be upsetting for them to see so many grieving adults. Also, consider your friends' feelings. If my child just passed, I think it would be hard for me to see other young children(outside of my childs' close friends, and nieces and nephews), it would only remind me of what I had lost, plus, I would be worried about them getting upset or being confused. This is just something else to consider, I am sure that you will make the best decision for your children. Good luck, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your friends' family.
S.
If it would help your friend to have their support, go ahead and take them. Ask them if they want to go too, and if not, then don't take them. It's your call as their mother. Hope this helps. :)
my first knee jerk answer is no.
but i would guess it would depend on the maturity of the child.
when my mom died, my nephew just turned 6. not that 6 is mature enough, but it was his grandma that he lived with so my sister brought him. he's 22 now and i don't see any reprocutions at this age, of him going at that age. but i wasn't around him every day afterwards to know what questions or fears he might have had either.
i think this is a good opportunity to talk to your kids more about death and your beliefs in that regards. and any questions they may have now. have you asked them if they want to go?
good luck,, i don't look forward to these types fo firsts when my kids get older.
In my opinion, if they didn't know each other well, then i wouldn't take them. it's not that they couldn't handle it, itmore of it not being necessary. Ask your kids how they feel .
As far as the grieving mothers feelings, well, having been there myself, I can say that I don't recall who was at my sons funeral- there were about 20 of us. It is an all consuming day-and really a pretty big blur- most times people are still in a state of shock or moved into the denial stage.
I think I wouldn't take my kids to the wake. There is no need to take them, they don't need closure, and if you are close to your collage friend, having the children there will split your attention to and support for your friend.
C.,
I would NOT take your boys. If you feel that you should pay your respects then you should. However I wouldn't take your boys, because grieve is extremely difficult for adults, and our children have a difficult time comprehending what is happening and to compound the confusion they see the adults whom they depend on in a state of grieve. I tend to feel that the situation would instill a great deal of fear into a child.
Thats my two cents.
TRUDI
First of all let me give you my condolences.now here is my advice: i think that your boys are old enough to make their own decisions, right? Well just ask them if they would like to go to pay their respects. If they say yes then let them go, if they say no then respect their feelings. If they understand that death is also a part of life then they will understand. Just talk to them they'll tell you what they want to do.
Hi C.,
I wouldn't. It's an incredibly sad situation but your kids don't need to see it. I don't know of any positive that can come from it. Just my opinion.
C.
C.,
First of all i am terribly sorry to hear of your loss, you have my sympathy.
I personally feel that it is a good thing to introduce children to death a little bit, even when they are young.
What if they had to deal with a close person dying??
also, i believe that it makes them realize what death is, and that it is SERIOUS, AND permanant!!
with all the stuff kids see on TV, or in the NEWS, and with all the school tragedies etc. i wonder if some of those kids that do those shootings, they do not realize WHAT death or killing is, until it's too late or after the fact, and so it's good for kids to see it in real life, that this is nothing to go bragging about- they will see the other adults grieving, for this child...that is NEVER coming back. ( i could go on & on- but i'm sure you get my picture. ) this is my personal opinion. good luck on whatever you decide.
best regards,
Rochelle
YES!!! A boy I played with died at age 13 and I did not get to go the wake/funeral. It is one of the biggest regrets I've ever had! No closure. Even though I only played with him a few times.
I think they are still young for a funeral that is NOT a family member. Especially that of a young child. I was in high school when my mom took me to my first one. She told me to hold ALL questions until AFTERWARDS. Which I did and I was full of them. She also prepared me for what I might see. It also helped that I went to church every Sunday and knew how to sit still or occupy myself quietly.
My aunt died and my niece was really upset at the fact of not going to the funeral. She was 9 1/2. She said she wanted to say good bye. My sister let her go. I didn't take my 9 year old at all. But we lived out of town. I think them being at a wake where memories are shared would be okay. If the casket is closed for the funeral, that wouldn't be bad. Death is so much harder when it's a kid. But they have to have closer. I had a friend who died when I was going into the third grade. I didn't get to say goodbye and it still bothers me today. I was nine at the time. Ask them how they'd feel. There is a lot of curiousity at that age. They might ask awkward questions. I'm sorry you are going through this.
