Grandma Is a Daily Drinker.

Drinking to get drunk every night? I don't have a pocket to put that in.
I don't have one to put that so called therapist in either. They aren't ever going to see my kids alone. They have no self control or forethought.

No way would Grandma or Grandpa be watching my kids EVER nor would they be in a car EVER with them. If they do not like it , well to bad.

A child is less likely, statistically, to be involved in a car accident , if their Grandmother is driving!

I would never allow my child with them alone. EVER.

If your therapist knows the severity of the situation, I'm shocked she would push this. I would be finding a new therapist!!

As always, ditto Riley J.

~As a side note: My grandmother apparently drank 'to get drunk' as you put it, EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT when I was a kid and I had no idea until I was a grown up and she was long since passed and at a family function one year everyone was talking about it. I was floored! Straight up dumbfounded! I lived with her for 2 years when I was a kid. Had NO clue! Still to this day, I am amazed by this! My Grandma was amazing! I loved her SO much and she was/is my hero. She was supremely organized and a creature of habit, we had a schedule for everything, from doing laundry, dishes, dusting, to when we went to the library, to when we went to the bank to deposit our $ into our savings account, (that she set up for us), to when we ironed the sheets! Ha! She was very successful in life and love. She was a retired nurse who worked hard and saved harder and left all of us cousins a very healthy inheritance.

Moral of my story: Some people can function while being intoxicated!

If Grandma and Grandpa are that much of drinkers, I don't know why you would leave your children with them any time of the day.

Is it important that you leave the children behind with them? Can you visit and leave as a family?

I don't have a problem with a drink here and there, but what you describe does not sound healthy.

Edit: I don't care what a therapist says, I would not leave them behind with someone who intends to get drunk.

If I'm reading this correctly, Grandma and Grandpa have some cocktails in the evening without your kids around.

Your thinking is that they shouldn't be able to drive your kids, even while sober, because they must be hungover and still semi-sloshed the next day.
That doesn't necessarily have to be the case.

I'm older. I come from a generation where the kids were fed, bathed, and put to bed. Mom and dad had a martini or two and some quiet time together. My grandfather drank high balls. To this day, I'm not sure exactly what a high ball is, but my sister and I spent summers with him. I never saw my grandfather "drunk". He was born in 1903 and an early to bed, early to rise kind of guy. He was an amazing cook, he was the most loving and nurturing man in my life and he was no danger to us. He wasn't the type to lay around, for any reason. It was always get up by sun up and go. Having a couple stiff cocktails at night didn't hinder him from getting things done, paying bills, taking care of his property or grandkids. He never drank during the day and I wouldn't consider him an alcoholic because his drinking didn't affect his ability to function in any way.

I'm not naive, but I know people who believe if you EVER have a drink, in your life, that makes you an alcoholic. I guess there can be extremes to everything.

Just because Grandma drinks at night and not even in front of your kids, I don't think you should assume she's too hungover, even while sober, to be able to drive your kids. This may not be a popular answer, but that's just how I feel.

My grandfather who enjoyed high balls in the evening lived to 85. He never had a ticket or car accident in his life.

Just saying.

My parents drank daily - a whiskey or sherry before dinner and beer or wine with dinner. My brother and his wife share a bottle of wine every night before or during dinner. My husband and I drink on weekends, and the occasional beer during the week when meeting friends.The enjoyment of alcohol stimulates fun conversations, good heart health and blood pressure, and does/did not prevent any from leading happy, loving and productive lives. My parents lived to 83 and 87 respectively.
I am with those who say info is missing to judge them: is their house clean and safe, do they provide healthy meals, do they provide stimulating companionship, how do they function in other areas of their lives, how old are the kids? There are grandparents who do arts and crafts with the kids and have a beer while doing it, and there are non-drinkers who just stare at the tv the whole time the kids are with them. I would prefer my kids spend time with the first type of folks.

Whether or not you allow the kids to stay alone with their grandparents depends on several things which you don't mention here. First, how old are your children? How much supervision do they require and how much can the grandparents provide. How much do they drink and in what ways does their drinking affect their reflexes and ability to function. Do they sound and look sober? Are they emotionally stable? Are they able to take care of themselves? i.e. do they eat dinner, spiff up the house, keep the dishes under control, etc.?

Do you actually know how much they drink and how they act the next day. Without that information, I do not see how you can make a decision about letting them be alone with your children.

I've known many drunks thruout my personal and professional life. I've known many people who drink every day and they aren't drunks. I've known many people who have a couple of glasses of wine with their dinner every night and they are just as able to take care of children as they would be without the wine. I suggest that if they're functioning in a manner so that you don't know from their behavior how much they've drank when you leave the children and then again when you pick them up that it is safe to leave your children with them.

Having time alone with their grandparents is good for your kids. Since a professional mental health provider has suggested that you provide this I would lean in the direction of doing so. Has the provider talked with your parents? If not, perhaps it would help relieve your mind to have him do so. Unless, you can cite examples of them not functioning well, of seeing them slur their words, stagger, or do dumb things I suggest that a few hours of your children being alone with them from time to time is acceptable.

Why haven't you talked with them and asked them how much they drink and how it affects them? You say you drank to the point of having a hangover. You shouldn't assume that your parents drink that much unless you're with them watching them drink or see them with a hang over the next day.

I see from an earlier post that your mother sent you an e-mail which caused you to think that she didn't want to spend time with you but still wanted to see the children. I wonder how much of your judgment over their drinking is focused on the drinking when it should be focused on having a better relationship.

Later: You say they drink to get drunk but nothing in your post indicates how you know that. The way you've written this makes it sound like you assume they drink to get drunk based on your own experience with drinking.

It would help me understand your concerns better if you would describe their behavior while the children are with them. You can observe this by staying during some of the visits. I would think that you would be involved with the grandparents and the children. However, based on your previous post, perhaps you do not have an amiable relationship with the grandparents. In which case that relationship needs attention.

Why in the world would you leave your children with them at all? If you cannot trust them to drive your kids, then you probably shouldn't trust them at all.

Lots of people drink every day and aren't alcoholics.

Getting DRUNK every day, however, is a different matter.

If they're actually getting drunk every night, I wouldn't let them watch my son AT ALL.

If they're just drinking daily, then I wouldn't have an issue with it.

Personally... When I DID get drunk on a regular basis ... I never got hungover. I was up the next morning early... Going for a run... Cleaning my house... On my A game. I never understood people who were all hungover/ out of it/ etc. the next day. I can respect a lot of people feel crappy after drinking. But that's not how alcohol affected me. I was super energized and perky after a night of hard drinking. (Unlike sober nights. On my own, Im NOT a morning person. After getting drunk, I was a total 'morning person', and my whole next day was an inch away from Stepford Perfect).

Personally... When I drank regularly (glass of wine while cooking, or beer after work), it had no effect on my next day at all, and little effect on me at the time. (I get a high tolerance very quickly, so a single glass or bottle, wouldn't even give me a buzz when it was a regular thing. I don't drink at all now, and over the past few years only 5 or 6 times a year... And Id be tipsy after HALF a glass, and blitzed after a whole glass.)

So to ME... The real questions would be:

- Drunk v Drinking
- How it affects THEM the next day.

It's not responsible to allow the grandmother and her husband ANY unsupervised time with any children. Period, full stop. If you wouldn't trust them to drive the children then you can't trust them to mind the children either. This is a daily occurrence, which means they're like this 24/7.

There's no such thing as a functional alcoholic unless that person is through rehab and on the wagon.

I think it depends on how much they drink. I use to be a daily drinker. I could drink a bunch of beers and have no hang over the next day, this is what happens when you drink daily. Now, on nights I would consume a whole bottle of something, sure, I would be hungover and unable to take care of children.

So, how much do they drink? Are they getting totally wasted every night? DO they have hang overs? A lot of drinkers don't suffer from hang-overs. They function perfectly normally after a night of drinking. Their bodies have adapted. Just because you can't function after 3 drinks doesn't mean they can't. I use to work with an alcoholic. He would get the shakes around "beer thirty" every day (4:30). He was the most productive person I have ever met, seriously! He was up at 4 every morning. He would crank out brilliant work (this was when I was working in academia), but around 4:30, he just had to have his beer.

It would be a shame to not let the kids be with their grandparents because they are drinkers. You already don't let them drive the kids, which is great. I don't see why they can't feed them mac and cheese and play with them.

So not let them sit at all. Non negotiable. End of discussion.

My FIL sips wine or some other alcoholic drink quite often in the evenings. He is not a drunk though. I have never even seen him not be able to stand right up and walk normally. So my question to you is how much do they drink?

My friend in Branson grew up with parents that were often so drunk they couldn't get up, she has even had to call for help from the police a few times. So if her husband even takes one beer and drinks it she is riding him like a mad woman and calling him an alcoholic. She is over reacting in my opinion.

Our backgrounds cause us to have different ideals so that is why I ask. To clarify at what level you think they are drinking.

If your therapist is telling you to leave the kids with them more it is my assumption that therapist does not believe they pose any problems to your children, which says perhaps your ideal of what a drunk is could be different than mine.

So again, how much do they drink, are they so drunk they can't walk or stay awake, are they passing out from drinking alcohol?

If so there would be no way my kids would stay with them at all, not even during the day.

If they are not getting drunk but just partaking in an alcoholic drink then I think that is a totally different story.

Would you have trusted you to watch your kids when you were hungover?

ADDED: K., I've been reading the posts after mine and wow, folks are not really reading your original posting. You say clearly that these two adults "drink to get drunk" but people now are scolding your for what they think is your bashing "social drinking" or the occasional daily drink. Folks, this isn't about a sherry after dinner or a beer while doing crafts with the kids; this is about drinking to the point of drunkenness, every night. To say that K. is being judgmental -- well, heck yeah she is, and she should be; her kids' safety is involved here. Read the original post and respond to what she actually says there.

Original post:
I"m one hundred percent with those saying they should not watch your kids period.

It's very telling that you refer to these adults as "my child's grandma and her spouse" as opposed to anything that indicates a close relationship -- they're not "my mom and stepdad" or "my husband's mom" or even "My MIL," they're "my child's grandma." As if she's not a relative. I take it from this that maybe the relationship is strained?

These adults need serious help and they cannot get it until they admit they are alcoholics and put others in danger by being alcoholics. Has anyone ever tried to intervene with them? Get them to AA? They won't get help until they realize they need help; that's how addiction is.

Your therapist -- IF he or she knew the situation with alcohol when he or she advised more time with grandma -- is so far off base that you should consider getting a new one for the new year. Immediately.

You have no way to know that they do not drink during the day. You may not smell it on them; they may not seem drunk; but they may be drinking during the day. You cannot trust their word that they aren't. You also cannot trust that they are not ever going to put your kids in a car during the so-called "sober" hours and drive the kids somewhere.

Supervised visits with you there-- only that, no alone time.

If that was the case, they would never be unsupervised with my children. My own mother, not a drinker, but not someone I trust to follow my rules for my daughter, has never been allowed alone with my daughter. I don't even feel bad about it. My daughter's safety is more important than her feelings, when she never cared about mine unless someone who might judge her for it was watching.

Drinking to get drunk every night - sounds like a full blown addiction to me.
With addicts - the addiction comes first before everything else.
Regardless of what they are addicted to - do you want addicts looking after your kids?
If they abstain or run out of booze long enough, do you want your kids with them if they have a bout of the DTs?
They have no memory of what they do while they are delirious.
My uncle was an alcoholic.
At one point he spent 3 days restrained in a padded cell screaming and raving while going through the DTs - he remembered none of it and was drinking again within a few weeks after being released.
Visit the folks and be present while the kids are there.
Don't let them baby sit anymore.
Please attend some Alanon meetings.
And get a different therapist - the one you've got is pushing you the wrong way.

Do you feel safe having them watch your kids? Even when you think they are sober? I don't know if I would, so I just thought i'd pose the question. If they are drunk every night of the week, then when are they truly sober? Sounds like they aren't. I would probably try and find another plan for their childcare.

I'm sorry K., but I don't understand why you even contemplate leaving the kids alone with them, much less doing it. You can give them time with the grandparents as much as you like, but you should be WITH your kids rather than allowing them to be babysitters.

I don't understand the therapist saying to leave the kids with people who pickle their livers every single night. I'm really flabbergasted, to be honest.

Dawn

If they are drinking "to get drunk" every night, then it seems like there is a problem and I also would not let them drive. My parents will have a cocktail or wine every night, but never with the intention to get drunk. Evenso, when they are watching the kids my mom doesn't drink, or at the very most has one glass with dinner. I think it's just a respect thing!

Do they know why you don't allow them to drive the kids? Do they know your concerns with the drinking and the effects the next day? Are you sure they aren't driving them and you just don't know about it?

Are they making other decisions with poor judgment? Are they making good nutritional decisions for themselves and the kids, or other safety decisions? Is there alcohol around where the kids can get hold of it?

How do you know?

I'm not sure what your therapist's thinking is. Is there more that you haven't told us? Do your kids have other family/relatives, or is this grandma and her spouse the only ones around? Do you need these few hours a week for YOU, or is it for Grandma?

I would encourage a relationship but I think maybe it should be while you are present. You don't have to pass judgment on Grandma - Grandma knows she drinks and that they are not sober at night.

Would you leave your kids with any sitter under these conditions if it were not a relative? You can't control them. You can only control your own decisions. If this is not your mother, you can't say much. If it's your MIL, then it's up to her son to say something or not say something. That's a whole 'nother decision. I don't think you have to have a confrontation.

You can still see Grandma and have family time together, but if she breaks out the booze, it's time to say "It's been a long day. Great seeing you but don't want to overstay our welcome" or something like that. Pack up the kids and go home.

But if you're not comfortable leaving the kids with them - which it sounds like you're not because you've only done it a few times - then you aren't relaxed when it's happening, and you've probably answered your own question.

Hi. Happy New Year. I read this post, & then I read some of the responses. You are saying that they get drunk every night, & that is different then just having some wine or cocktail or two. I know people who drink to get drunk everyday, & they are alcoholics. If they are really getting drunk every night, then I agree about not letting them drive your children around because how much do they really drink - is alcohol constantly in their system, etc.

By the way, I also know people who drink & aren't alcoholics. If they are really getting drunk everyday, then that can be a problem.

Happy New Year.

I wish you would ask your therapist why he/she is pushing for this time with the grandparents. Are they sober every day (I'm not speaking of night)? Do they say they are drinking to get drunk? I'm just a little confused here. I had lots of drinking relatives growing up, and some of them were addicts (which is why I have chosen not to drink at all). I would not have trusted the addicts with my children for half a second. I wouldn't have trusted them with me, either.

Personally, no amount of drinking is ok with me if you are watching my kids. We had to stop allowing the kids with my parents because of their drinking. I would not leave my kids alone with someone I knew to have a drinking problem. I think you need a new therapist. Why would anyone suggest to leave children alone with two alcoholics?? If they want to see the kids, then can do so under your supervision, and never allow them to drive the kids, for sure you are in the right there.