Help with New Girlfriend

J.,

My dear, you are not ready for another man and are understandably insecure right now. After 9 years of marriage and only RECENTLY divorced, it is TOO soon to even think about it. You need to go to your therapy appointment next week and make sure it is a good fit for you. If it isn't, then you must find a new therapist ASAP.

You cannot be angry that your ex is "happy" and not in pain like you are. It sounds like he has always been "happy." Things have gone his way. It sounds like he had his cake and ate it, too. BUT, it doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. You can only control who YOU are and what makes YOU happy.

You need to take care of yourself and your kids for at least the next year (if not longer) before even thinking about dating anyone again or letting the ex back into your life. As the saying goes, "You need to love yourself before anyone will love you back."

Believe it or not, the men aren't turning you away because you are a "fatty." Right now, what anyone will see is a woman hurting from the inside out with little self-confidence. That's not attractive (and the ones that would be attracted...YOU DON'T WANT). You could look like the perfect package and within one date, anyone would realize that you simply aren't ready.

Fantastic men are out there. You need to be patient and work on you from the inside out. When you think about the ex, turn your thoughts and efforts to something that will better you and your kids. Ask your therapist for some self-confidence building activities or other ideas that will help you.

Divorce is h*** o* the kids and you, but wavering back and forth is worse! You've made the decision (and it sounds like the right one) so stick it out as it will get better.

Good luck and keep that appointment!

I don't know if you should be trying to get him back or anything, but as far as other guys go... Don't worry about the ones who aren't attracted to you. The ones you think are put off by your bodytype. The guy who's meant for you WILL be attracted to you and make you feel great about yourself. For now though I would take time off of guys and focus on you and the kids. Men will always be around.

Wow - you have gotten some great advice, but I'd like to "second" some of it. First, as far as questioning your decision, if your ex is already dating someone, I have a feeling he wasn't very emotionally attached anymore and therefore wasn't going to put forth the necessary effort to making your marriage work. And trying to "fake it" for the kids is never a good thing.

Also, as several others have said: as much as you want him to hurt as much as you, he won't. He isn't suffering the same consequences as you. So yes, you need to move on. My hubby's mother was cheated on by his dad, who eventually divorced her and remarried. She NEVER got over it. Everytime we saw her, we left thinking how OLD she seemed (much older than her age). And it was solely because of her bitterness. As she was dying from cancer, instead of truly enjoying and embracing her last moments with her children and grandchildren, she was still bitter and resentful of how she had been "wronged". That is no way to go through life. (His dad, on the other hand, has always seemed much younger than his age ~ it all depends on YOUR ATTITUDE!)

But you're on the right track ~ get therapy and stick with it. This will be a long process and will be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you obviously love your children, so let them be your motivation.

On one last note: It would concern me too that he is already having this chick staying with him while the kids are there. You need to voice your concern to him about this, but don't let it blow up or it will just become a point of contention for both of you.

Best of luck to you! And as far as your size ~ make sure you get your head in order first, than you can work on your body. Give it time.

I was in your situation a long time ago and understand your pain. Your ex is not going to change but you will soon realize there is life after divorce. My ex didn't want the girls (we had 4) and that was the most difficult thing to deal with. eventually he would see them but constantly trying to make them accept his choice of girlfriend, then wife. The worst thing you can do is put him down in front of your kids because in time they will see him for what he is and you will have to do or say nothing. Take the time they are with him and make that time special for you. Get in to an exercise program and join a support group like Beginning Experience or Divorce Care. Remember, you are not alone and you are special. God loves you and right now that may be all you need. Hang in there

Hi J.-First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I believe if you feel you did everything in your power to save the marriage and it didn't work, you were smart to get out and move on. Moving on is hard. You are still going through the grieving part of this breakup. I say grieving as divorce is like a death. It is good that you are seeking counseling. I imagine with 2 little ones you are kept busy, but remember, you need to do some things that make you happy/content too. I don't know if you have hobbies, etc. but make sure you TAKE time for these. Go to a movie with a friend, or by yourself to an afternoon movie. Swap babysitting with someone you know if $ are a concern. By taking time for yourself, you will be a better mom to your kids and happier with yourself. I understand the overweight part. I have been on a "diet" all of my life. Right now at 55, I have knee problems, etc. and used to be quite active. If nothing else, stay active. Your body will love you for it down the line. One thing is don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Take time to know yourself and be happy with yourself first before you start another relationship. When you are happy with yourself, your ex's relationships won't matter. You need to close one chapter of your life before you start another. As far as your ex, I doubt the relationship will work in the long run. If he cheated on you, he will cheat on her. No doubt in my mind. Hang in there girlfriend.

A little history about myself. My first marriage my ex cheated on me, lied, etc. etc. I didn't want to divorce him, but knew I had to for my own sanity. Looking back...best thing I ever did. I met a great man, married, had a baby, and he passed away when she was 3. Years later, met another great guy, married, and he too died before our second anniversary. So I know being alone. Now I've been in a relationship with another great guy for 13 years, and we have our ups and downs, but I am happy. Sometimes, you make your own happiness. He travels alot for business, and I have taken up my own hobbies, and things to do while he is gone. You just have to be cautious when picking "guys". First and foremost are you two babies. Nothing else matters, and they should be your focus and priority. If a great guy comes along that will love both you and your children..what a lucky woman you are. Until then...love them, and love yourself. Take care. Hugs to all of you.

L.

As far as the sleeping over while your kids are with him. Talk to your lawyer. If you have made your feelings known to him, I don't know what else you can do. No matter how you two feel about each other, they still need their daddy, if he is a half-way decent guy. I belong to Pre-paid Legal and have an attorney 24/7 to help with my legal problems.

Hi J. -

I don't have any real words of wisdom for you, but I was once in relationship for 8 years. When it ended, my boyfriend found someone new right away and ended up marrying her. I was devistated. However, now that I have moved on with my life, I realize what a mistake it would have been to stay with him and how much better off I am now without him. All the hurt is gone.
I just want to send you Kudos for seeing a therapist to help you through this and to encourage you to be strong and not go back into a bad relationship with someone who doesn't treat you right. You are better off on your own, getting strong for yourself and your children. Try to make decisions during this difficult time with your head, rather than giving in to the lonliness. When you get through this tough time you will come out smarter, stronger and ready for someone to treat your right!

Good Luck
C.

J.,
I read your posting on Sunday and just keep thinking about it! And it has been bothering me because I was in your shoes 5 years ago. Divorce SUCKS and seeing your ex move on is soooo hard. Here are my opinions and my advice. take it or leave it. :)

your Ex is dating. you no longer have any right to say who he sees or what he does the time he has the kids. Beware of asking your kids too many questions about their "daddy time". it puts them in the middle and what a terrible place for them to be. They r trying to adjust to having a mommy house and a daddy house. Dont make them be the spies...it will just create hostility and stress. Willhe hurt as much as you? probably not. Men are different. but dont give him the power of knowing that his moving on is bugging you. If anything, the fact thath he is so disrespectful of his time with his KIDS and is having women sleep over should just REINFORCE the fact that you are better off on your own.
and NEVER trash talk your Ex. EVER!

How do you move on? TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE!!!! You are plus sized? so what. I am a 6 foot tall woman and was 284 pounds when my husband and I split up. I took control and exercised, ate right and lost weight. what a confidence booster and what a great role model for your children. LOOK, Mommy is taking care of herself. My warning? stay away from other "replacements" to make you feel good. i tried alcohol, sleeping around...you get the picture.

you are depressed? Dont be afraid to look at options of anti depressants. it wont solve your problems, but it will help you face ther world witha more reasonable outlook. this IS doable!!!!

My life about 3 years after the divorce: I had lost about 110 pounds, but surrounded myself by other single moms with the "we deserve to go out and party" attitude when the kids were at their dads house. I ended up drinking WAY too much, sleeping with god only knows how many men because I felt i finally looked good (catch 22, huh?) and not having a good relationship with my kids.

My life NOW: I am married to a wonderful man who loves me even though I gained about 40 pounds back. I have been sober for 18 months. I am expecting a little boy in 9 weeks. My children (now 12 and 9) WANT to spend time with me and we enjoy each other. i have a successful career and am truly happy for the first time since I was 22 years old. Dont BE lonely! Go to church, join a book club, form new healthy relationships with men and women that isnt about bitching about the ex. If I had a fast forward button to prove to you that everything will be O would give it to you. Rely on your family, freinds, faith, whatever it takes. just put YOURSELF first!!!!!

look me up on facebook if you would like. J. L.
ok. i have to get back to work.

How involved was your ex with the everyday caring for the kids?? Is the new girlfriend there to do HIS share of the parenting that he does not want to take responsiblity for?? When my husband and I got together, on the weekends that he had his boys I was the bad guy because I had to take care of meal time, nap time, bathtime, bed time and time outs. He was there for the fun times. I love his boys but they have a mom and I am not it. She has put them through hell and back. I am not sure exactly how many "sleep over buddies" she has had but they end up calling the guy daddy and after 4 and a half years I am still just Wendie. We have a three year old little girl together and if something were to happen where we split up and he was not caring for her "himself", I would not want him to have her at all. It is a really difficult situation to give advise on because there are so many different factors. But what is the most important is for you to take care of you and your kids. Just make sure that your lawyer and his knows your concerns when it comes to the welfare of your children.

you made the right choice-my ex wouldnt give up his weed,booze,buddies,to feed his own kids-we all have our priorities.families always come first-no matter what.as far as your weight issue-change it-i know its hard-takes alot of work-but wouldnt ya just wanna slap him with-look at what you lost??ive been divorced 25 yrs.never remarried-my ex remarried-and has been miserable ever since-hes tried many times to come back home-NOT!!!!!!!.....take pride in your life,your kids,your choices,get out get a pt job-meet new ppl...live your life for you-things will fall into place.if you want to talk more feel free to email me-good luck-K.

J.,
Divorce is never easy no matter who initiated it to begin with BUT having said that ... you are doing yourself NO GOOD by being so bitter and saying things like "he doesn't deserve to be happy." What do you think this type of talking or emotion is doing to your children?

Instead of hating life, hating the situation, hating your ex, hating the girlfriend, hating being a larger woman ... take all that energy you're using for hate and turn that energy into activity for yourself and for your children. This is a perfect time to start a walking program at your gym or outside. Perfect time to start a little program at home with your children, Monday nights could be making hand puppets out of old socks, Tuesday nights could be a video night and the children get to pick which video and make the low-cal popcorn, Wednesday nights could be make a low-cal recipe dinner that you've found on the internet, Thursday nights turn off TV and play a board game with the children, Friday night is for YOU ... if you work, go out for a drink after work with your co-workers or girlfriend, Saturday day go to the park with the kids and Saturday night go to a movie with a friend, Sunday go to church and the children can go to Sunday school.

I have been through a divorce once and a 11 yr relationship "divorce" another time AND I'm also a child of divorce ... and I can tell you, with 3 young ones life DOES suck at times but the more you stay busy, the more life seems brighter. The more YOU are happy, the happier the children will be and the better they will do in school.

This is a perfect time to teach your children UNconditional love ... no matter what went on in your marriage - he is still their Daddy and they love him.... don't ruin that love for him that they have.

I'm thinking all YOU see is fatty ... I too was a larger woman - and once I became happy with me - the more I was asked out on dates and adult group gatherings. I got married 9 1/2 yrs ago to a wonderful man that had never been married before and when I walked down the isle, I wore a size 20 dress ... you will find love again as long as you love yourself first.

I wish you tons of luck in your life and I apologize if I sounded a bit harsh - I'm just so passionate about life and being happy with the person that is inside of yourself.
Blessings Always,
D.

I recommend logging on to www.datewithoutdrama.com. Paige Parker is full of great advice and offers to be a 'break-up' coach. You are too special to be wasting your time on someone who can't recognize what he has lost.

Tell your ex that you believe it's inappropriate to have over night guests or the sigificant other around until it is going to be something more permanent. Tell him that it is unhealthy for the children. Other than that concentrate on you and how you are feeling. You need to find a way to get through the hurt on to the other side so you can be happy and healthy.

im so sorry you are going threw this, you are not alone! i could have written this for myself 4 years ago!

i was told by my lawyer that there is nothing i could do with the "stay overs". my ex married the woman he was cheating on me with three months after our divorce was final. talk about a blow!! but once i decieded to let go of the anger things got better. i would suggest getting on anti-depressants. they help so much! don't be ashamed that you have to take them. its good your going to the dr! take each day with the kids and embrass them. on the day's they are not with you do something for yourself, i found it so great going fishing by myself, nothing but a tackle box, a pole and a book.

don't fret on your weight! that is who you are. love you for who you are. when my ex left me, i was over weight. once i became happy again (wasn't for a long time before the divorce!) i don't even know where the weight went! one day i looked in the mirror and i was like WOW!! i look hot!! lol. it will happen with time.

don't look for someone because you are lonely. i did that when my kids weren't with me, looking back it was really stupid. when i found my husband now i wasn't even looking. i had just burried a very good friend of mine the day before and was having a hard time. i decieded to take a friend up on an invite to go out. i was in my pj bottoms, no make up, and a baggy sweat shirt and my hair pulled back in a pony tail. i had been crying all day over the loss of my friend so i know i didn't look very good to say the least! i looked over and seen a very good looking man next to me, we started talking (not even looking for anything) and now we are very happily married for almost 3 years and have two more babies to add to our family.

now im so happy and it makes me laugh to know that im so happy now and my ex is actually going threw a second divorce and had to move back with his mom. not very mature i know, but i say what goes around comes around.. and this proves it. i don't like the fact that my kids have to deal with another divorce but it makes me smile to see him hurt like he hurt me.

trust me, it will all come with time. it took me almost 6 months to get completely over the anger then another 3 months to fully like myself. by a years time i was happy with who i am and how much i have growen and realize how strong i actually am.. you will get there i promise!

i skimmed over a few and like others have told you if you need to reach out to someone please contact me! you have alot of great people here for you, if you need anything take us up on it! never feel alone while going threw this because your not!

good luck and stay strong!

Hi J.,

I am so sorry you are going through this, but please look at it as a learning experience. I have been right where you are, down to the letter! I would recommend that you call your attorney immediately and ask him what can be done about the sleepovers. I was able to get a judge to approve wording that forbade my ex from having sleepovers while my children were with him. I don't know what state you are in, and I know that laws vary from state to state, so you will have to talk to an attorney.

Now, about you. You have a long road of healing ahead of you, and the FIRST thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Your children need a mom who is strong and self-assured. I am glad you are seeing a counselor. I don't know if you are religious or not, but the one phrase that got me through was "Let Go, and Let God." I can remember saying it over and over -- especially late at night when I was alone in my bed and knew he was not! It WILL eventually get better. Learn to depend on yourself so that you don't have to call him for anything. If he is not on time with child support, file whatever paperwork is necessary to have it deducted from his paycheck. My ex always paid, but I never knew when I was going to get it. He was furious when I filed to have his pay docked, but my children got what money was coming to them on time!

Last, I would recommend that you keep busy. Join a church group, PTA, or reading group, volunteer at a food shelter or at your children's school, take music lessons, or learn karate! (With karate, your children could take classes with you!) Find something you've never done before and jump in! Not only will you meet new people, but it will take your mind off of all of this. Surround yourself with positive people, and it can make all the difference.

Whatever you do, DON'T EVER talk badly about your ex in front of your children. He may be the lowest snake in the forest, but resist the opportunity to tell that to your children. They will find out as they grow older exactly what type of man he is.

I'm sorry to have rattled on so, but I was where you are 19 years ago. I had some very good mentors, who had also been through this situation, who helped me cope. My point is that you need to focus on YOU! Everything else will fall into place -- just give it time.

J.:

This is hard for you on so many levels but for your children you have to find a way to be ok.

I myself am facing several diffrent decisions in my life right now and with so many different things going on its hard to get even through one of them.
Take a step back and a deep breath and separate it all instead of looking at the whole jumbled up mess all at once and deal with one issue at a time.

I think women from all body types, facial structure ans beliefs, if they are caring parents tend to question their decisions especially if they are doing it on their own.

I worry much more about the parents who just know they are doing everything right and nobody ever better tell them anything cause they know everything. Close minded parenting does not leave any room for learning new skills.
Questioning yourself means you love your children enough to get it right.

I feel (just my opinion) that sleep overs for either you or your ex with a very short termed or new boy/girl friend is def sending wrong signals to a child, the whole dating and starting over thing, my opinion, that you or ex should date without children meeting for a couple of months. See if is going anywhere then a meet the child slowly over time and let things develop, I think it shows a very high lack of concern for the children's well being that your ex is not being low key in his dating, and this could lead to a trail of women in and out of his and the childrens life. You have a right to be upset in how that affects the children and you DO have a say in how that is being handled. Try to work that part out with him and if not then sadly you may have to go back to court.

It reinforces that You did not make a bad choice, His parenting skills lack if he shows no discrection on bringing a new woman in with very short dating time for an overnighter.

But again, this has to be about what he is subjecting the children to, and cant be about the fact that he is dating.

If he is caring for his children is careful and does not bring them around the children, he has the right to date whomever or whomevers he like and that part you have to let go of.

You have to feel better for you, being plus sized is not a death sentence. Its so hard to motivate when you feel depressed and seeing him move on is very hurtful I know.

But somehow for you and for your children you have to find a way to take the high road and get better for you.

Enjoy the children and find ways to find the good things in you and build on those, say or write positive sentences about yourself and say them until you believe them.
Join single parent support groups, find support from any corner you can, find a way to block out the his moving on thing and spend that energy on finding a way back to your own happiness. Once you move on and get happy with who you are, it will be amazing that men will come out of the woodwork.

If your miserable and unhappy your def going to attract the wrong kind of man who will prey on your vulnerability.

If your happy and confident in yourself that is when the right kind of man comes along, and it will work because you are already ok with who you are.

The children will benefit when your happy as well because they can sense your unhappiness.

They need you and count on you to be their beacon, think of that blessing, you have two beautiful children to love.

If the weight is really getting to you, then get on a buddy plan with someone to try to lose the weight, include the kids, you all can do sit ups together or play music and just dance around and be silly. Find joy in the little things and time WILL pass. Everyday day you survive, it will hurt just a little bit less and you get get just a little bit stronger.

The best of luck to you

Don't doubt yourself. If you were not happy in the marriage and your ex was not giving your marriage the appropriate attention, you did the right thing. Kids learn what they live. I understand your frustration with your ex having someone and then also having that someone spending the night. I personally think the best thing for you to do is to just focus on the things you can control (you cannot control him or what he does as long as the kids are safe). You will be a happier person if you only focus on what you have control over. The best person will come along when you least expect it and they will love and admire you for you and for the wonderful mother you are. Don't look for someone, your paths will cross. Good luck and it sounds like you are on the right path by seeing the doctor this week.

Hi J.,

You've gotten some great advice, and I think that it's good that you have a therapy appointment.

I will just add that you should not lose weight just because you think men will accept you if you are thinner. Yes, some men only date thin women, but some only date larger women, and most (mature) men could really care less what size you are! If you want to lose weight because YOU want to be healthier and more active and have more confidence, by all means, do so. But do not do it so you can go score guys. Besides, would you really want to be with someone who is so shallow that they would only date you if you were thin??

And you say your ex doesn't deserve to be "happy", and who says he is?? Sleepovers just 2 months after the divorce was finalized sounds incredibly lonely and desperate to me!

I haven't gone through a divorce, but I've read that people should not even *think* about dating until 1 year after the divorce has been finalized. Perhaps your therapist will have similar advice; I think it's sound. You need to rebuild your life and confidence before you can have a healthy relationship. Good luck to you!

J.,

It seems like you have got some really good advice so far. Never second guess your decision that you divorced him. I was married to a very controlling and mentally abusive man. A lot more to that story! I have 5 children. They have formed their own opinions, as kids will do. The more I let what he did after the divorce effect me, the more he was ruling my life from behind the scenes. You have a chance to start a new life, take advantage of it. Don't focus on your weight, and your Ex. That will only stop you from moving on with your life. When he has the kids, plan fun things to do. Go out with your girlfriends. Just do things that make you happy!! :) You will find the right person for you. But you need to first be happy with yourself. Everything will come together. It will just take a little time. I am now remarried to the most wonderful man in the world.

I did want to ask you if you had a no cohabitation clause in your divorce decree? Which means that he cant have an overnight guest of the opposite sex until he is married. I had that clause put in my decree, which included me too.

If you ever need to just vent to someone, I have a good ear.
Take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

Best of luck to you!!
B.

We have a friend, whose wife divorced him and a few months later was living with a guy. He too was hurt, didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, etc. He focused on his kids and his job and a woman came along for him and they've been together 2 1/2 yrs. So as much as it hurts to let go- you were right about him and so you also should just focus on what you have, joining a group at church or a book club, anything that involves your interests and adults is great and I do believe that great things will happen for you. You sound like a wonderful person. Good Luck and God Bless!

First of all you don't deserve a douche bag like that and it's his loss not yours. You may not feel that now but you will later and he'll realize it and it will be to late and he'll hurt just as bad. Nothing can take your pain away and the fact that he isn't thinking of his kids and taking the gf situation slow he's a loser. He's a guy who is being selfish and what sucks is once again the woman suffers. I'm bigger than what I used to be and I have no self esteem. I need to exercise and I hate doing it but the key to doing it is I listen to music that makes me feel sexy and exercise to it. Its the best motivating thing ever granted it may sound stupid but It gets you going. So what I would do is right now your not ready to be in a relationship work on yourself get yourself to where your happy with yourself. By that time you'll feel great possibly ready for a REAL man and that my friend will get your ex to really see what he lost and then YOU can say sorry you've wasted enough of my life with the most hurt I've ever felt and so much anger I didn't know I had in me, now it's about me and my kids go find another coworker to waste your life on because i'm happy without you, I'm better than that to take you back, i'm dead sexy, and most of all I'm happy with myself and who I am and I'm gonna find someone that excepts me for me and loves me and only me because thats what matters. I wish you the best of luck it hurts I know I feel for you especially since there are 2 kids involveded and set your mind to it and you'll do great. Good luck

Hun, I hate to tell you this, but outside of talking to him and asking him not to have his 'flavor of the month' stay overnight with him while the kids are there, there is absolutely nothing you can do. This was the hardest thing for me to accept, but once I did, it became much easier for me, but it is his home, his rules...just as it is your home, your rules. The kids will adjust to the two sets of rules. Unfortunatley, it will be up to you to help the kids deal, if necessary, when they get home from his place. It will be on him and him alone when it comes to his relationship with his own children if he does not heed your advice as the kids will soon be old enough to tell him themselves that they don't like it (this is what my kids did and told thier dad themselves that they wouldn't visit unless he knocked it off and bless them...they stuck to it!!)

I totally understand how you feel about him having another woman in his life...and it's a good thing that you are going to therapy because right now you need to keep your focus on you and the kids. Until you deal with your own feelings about the whole thing, no man will find you attractive (except the users and abusers) cause they will see that you are carrying tons of emotional luggage and no man wants a woman with a bus load of luggage. Deal with your luggage, get rid of it, and the good men will start to come around about the same time you are ready for them to.

Not all men like skinny minnies, in fact it has been my experience that most men prefer women with some 'meat' on their bones! (I've heard it said that meat is for the man, bone for the dog lol) A dear friend of mine is so overweight that she is currently going through all the stuff for stomach bypass surgery and yet she rarily lacks for a date, so don't worry about it unless it really bothers you, then tell your therapist that you'd like to lose some weight and they can hook you up with the right people (nutritionist, weight loss program, etc) so that you can do it the healthy way.

Above everything else, remember, your kids will need you in a way that they never have before and if you aren't there for them, they will grow up with all sorts of problems. They are dealing with the divorce too, no matter how young they are, and will need your steady, guiding, and loving hand to help them adjust and learn how to deal with things in a healthy way. This is why it is of utmost importance to take care of yourself (therapy) so that you can help them. I took a class called CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE that helped me help my kids. It went through all the ages and stages of kids grief for both boys and girls as they react differently to things, and this information helped me to quickly identify when the kids were upset and having trouble adjusting (without them saying a word!) and gave me the skills I needed to help guide my kids over the rough spots; such as when their dad moved his girlfriend in to his home despite them asking him not too....they didn't visit him for several months until I finally made them go and deal with it and they still don't like her, and they give their dad and her no end of grief and even though it is ultimately his problem....it is still up to me to help them find healthy ways to express themselves and deal with any emotional turmoil and upset.

In all of this, my kids trust me as they trust no other. Their trust and dependance on me (when they are troubled) has the x jealous as all get out, but until he gets that what he does affects them and learns to listen to them, truly listen to them, his relationship with them will always suffer. In the end scheme of things, I am glad that I walked away because now I know that I got the much better end of the deal...I got my kids and their loving trust, and I've got me....whole, healthy, and happy! :) Life is good, way better than it would have been had I stayed and I know that, I know how lucky I am.

You've got a long road ahead of you, it won't always be easy, but with the right attitude, you will be able to make it something worth while...for you and your children. Always remember, your kids are watching you, learning from you about how to deal with things through the example you set in everything you do and say...it is of utmost importance that you set the best example for them as possible. The high road is never easy, but let me tell you...the rewards at the end are so very worth it. My kids are worth it. I am worth it. Good luck to ya hun...

J., I'm not sure what to say, I have experienced something VERY simular. I also had an Aunt that has some what the same story. I don't want to go into details like this and I hope that this is okay but if you want to email me @ ____@____.com I'll talk to you then and see if I or we can't help each other. Sorry about what happened to you but remember this is a big world and your not the only one to go through it and survive!

Hi J.:
Sweetie I am so sorry this has happened to you. If we were at my house over a cup of coffee I would give you a hug.
I know how much this hurts. I understand the anger. But think of this if he can't remember whose bed his shoes go under--you are better off without him. And who said he's happy? It is a tried and true rule that any man who will leave his wife for another woman will leave woman 2 for woman 3 and on and on. He is not a happy person and I would bet he blamed you for his unhappiness during the marriage. It is not your fault!!
I am speaking from experience and I know that this is hard to hear but it will get better, the anger will subside but you need to let go. Counseling will do a world of good get the anger out and listen to your counselor and take the little steps to recovery. You will get there I promise. But remember ***** ANGER IS A USELESS EMOTION****
It will tear you up inside and can throw you into depression. You are better than that. Instead of being angry feel sorry for him and his unhappy state of mind. When you angry hit a pillow, go for a walk and walk off the steam, go somewhere where no one will hear you and yell and scream at the wind--the wind will take your anger and disperse it. Please do not yell at your children**boy is that one hard to do*** when they tell you how terrific the flavor of the month is at daddy's house, let it go. And his current girlfriend is probably just that flavor of the month or season. If they like her and she is good to them feel blessed that a kind woman who doesn't have to is nice to your kids and treats them well. She could be resentful and hatefilled toward them.
Don't worry about finding someone to date. Work out your anger and pain and be able to truely love again when the time is right. If you are unhappy with your weight work on it. I really believe that you can do this. There is a beautiful world out there waiting for the beautiful woman inside you to come out. She is beautiful with a heart able to love and soul looking for her place. Go get 'em girl!! :-))
If you need to talk more send me a personal message and I will send you my contact info.

Okay....first off, you have only been "alone" for 2 months.
You need to focus on YOU and YOUR CHILDREN....
If your ex is all ready sleeping around, he is obviously VERY insecure and needs to have someone take care of him.
If he is sleeping with someone with your children around, don't let him see them unless he promises to do it without a girlfriend there.
You MUST be happy with your kids and your life, because that is what is going on right now. Being a "fatty" as you stated has nothing to do with it. You have to have fun, go to your children's functions,go out with your girlfriends,make a "date night" for yourself and whoever you can find. It is easy to state, but you must be the better person. Your ex will see how much you are enjoying yourself and your kids, and he will be the one that is sorry he messed up....if he strayed at work once, he will do it again. You tried for 2 years, that is LONG enough.
He will see you as a beautiful person who is enjoying life, and wish he would have stayed put!!
Happiness is sweet revenge!!
good luck

Dear J.,
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you already have some great advice. So, this will probably sound redundant. DO NOT second guess your decision about your divorce. It appears as if he chose to give up on your marriage and be with another woman. If you still have good communication with your ex, I would definitely share with him your concerns about sleepovers. It may appear that your concern is out of jealousy; but, he should know how this could be very confusing for children and he definitely is not being a good role model for them right now. If he doesn't understand - I would talk to your lawyer - b/c he/she would definitely understand your concerns.
Focus on your mental health! Do things that make you feel whole again - exercise is a fantastic way (and a cheap way) to feel good, eat healthy, surround yourself with positive people, PLAY. . . PLAY . . . with your kids and do fun things together - it's hard to do this and NOT have a smile on your face, find a support group - whether it be at church, mom's group, or group for singles. When you feel good . . . it gets passed down to your kids. Unfortunately, your children are suffering right now b/c they probably see their mommy hurt, angry, and depressed. Seeing a therapist is great, I think. Depending on your kid's ages, family therapy/play therapy may want to be considered for them. Things will get better for you. Focus on the positives, your blessings in life! I'm not sure if you are religious or not - but, for me personally prayer and having faith has given me so much hope. It has gotten me through everything. When you are feeling better and thinking more positive/optimistic - you will find that your beauty will be easier to captivate men. Of course you already have that inner beauty but it sounds like it's under a cloud of depression and that can be a hard thing to conceal (inside/outside). People of all bodytypes can be beautiful - it is really up to you to work on fighting your depression so that your beauty comes shining through in your outside appearance as well. Hang in there - life can be full of obstacles - but, you'll get through this! Take Care!

Hi J.

You did not say if your husband cheated with the co worker or not . But I am guessing it was too close a friendship for your liking .
But any way it sounds like your ex has moved on and you need to move on too . Focus on yourself right know and your little ones .
Mabey if you have low self esteem you may want to join a gym and work on your self image before you worry about dating again .
Also keep in mind fighting with your ex about the new girlfriend is not going to help the kids . The divorce is hard enough on kids . I went through a divorce with my parents when I was young and I always thought it was my fault my parents were fighting .
Just let your ex know you are not happy about the kids being around a new girlfriend so fast in their relationship . But do not be nasty around the kids it hurts them more then it does him .
Good luck