Helping Deal with Ex Having New Baby ...

It's true. She is just probably mad that she is not the baby anymore and isn't open to relinquishing that position to someone else. Dad is the one who needs to show more attention when she is around and less to the baby to let her know that she isn't less important than before.

YOu told her it was OK to be excited. Did you also tell her it was OK to be angry, fearful, anxious? Just from what you've written it sounds like you have been wanting her to react differently than she is reacting. It's important to let her feel however she feels and to not tell her how she should feel either in words or by questioning and analyzing her reactions.

When you say "they" do you mean both of your daughters are in Utah? Does sleeping everywhere except at your ex's mean that they are not spending time with their father? This is upsetting to the kids. I suggest that you suggest that they come back home. At least talk with your ex and emphasize that the girls need to be with him and have his attention. Suggest that having a new baby is difficult for him as well as his daughters and that if they're not spending almost full time with him, his wife, and the baby they are being displaced by the baby and/or wife. They know, no matter what he thinks/says, that they're no longer as important to their Dad as his new relationship and baby and that this is damaging to them.

Have you talked directly with either girl on the Phone? I'd recommend calling everyday that they're staying away from their father, to let them know you miss them and give them an opportunity to talk about what they are feeling about this arrangement. Ask, are you having fun? What's the most fun thing you've done so far? What's the baby like? Do you get to help? You could ask about food and bedtime if you suspect that their needs aren't being taken care of.

Is this a grandma that they already know? Do you know her? Sounds like you don't know the aunt. You could call and talk with them just to get to know them. You could ask how the girls are doing. They'll understand a mom's need to know such things.

How long are they staying with their Dad? I hope it's not for the summer. I think that most psychologists would tell you that putting them in this situation long term has the potential of doing emotional damage. They have lost their father as they know him living with them. They have a new step-mother and then add a new baby. Any one of those is stressful by it's self. That is just part of their stress. They're too young to understand what is happening. Maybe they're with Dad because MOm doesn't want them. Maybe Dad doesn't want them either since they're not staying at his house. If the new wife has any animosity even just mild animosity that prevents them from staying in their home the girls will pick up on the feelings which will add to their feeling unwanted and guilty of something.

It is important for you to talk with your ex and find out what is going on, especially if this is a rest of summer thing or even if it's a one month thing. More than a couple of weeks is too long for 4 and 5 year olds whose parents have recently divorced. They haven't experienced the back and forth of parenting time. They are still feeling insecure because of the divorce. And insecure because of the new baby. I don't know you, your ex, his new wife, your kids and I'm worried for them. If they were my kids or grandkids I'd be walking the floor because of anxiety. YOu need to find a way to find out what is actually happening back there and if it's not going well to bring them back home.

When they do get back home I also recommend that the girls have someone who is intuitive and able to draw out feelings to talk regularly with. This doesn't have to be a pshychologist or even a counselor. A family member or friend could do this. If you belong to a church some of them have good people with whom to talk. Your girls definitely need to talk openly with someone who will encourage them to express their feelings and give them validation. If family relationships are strained then that someone should be outside the family.

Hi,
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Really, it is always so stressful. I can't tell you what is best for you and yours, but I can let you know what worked for my kids, and what hasn't. First of all, in my situation, there is nothing I can do. The visitation is court ordered. No matter how mush my kids don't want to go, dislike the situation, I can't bring them home, I can't let them not go. It is painful for them and myself. Mainly me, I think. I don't call over there, because if they are ok, and not calling me, then I don't want to cause them to feel emotional. My kids are older then yours though. I have also bought my kids a cell phone to share, because they weren't being allowed to call me when they wanted. My children feel displaced, and are old enough to articulate that. They don't feel like they can tell dad that, and when I tried to talk to him about that it turned ugly. It is hard to remember, that when a new spouse comes into the picture, no matter how well you communicated before, that changes everything! I would recommend counseling. It worked well for my daughter when she was 4. It just gave her someone to talk to besides me and dad. I also made sure the kids were involved in sports, to help build their self confidence and to make friends. Just be there. That is all I can do, and hope that things turn around for you. If you need to chat, feel free to email me. Good luck.

K.,

Right now, nothing. But, when your daughter gets home let her know how brave she was for going, and that you are *so very proud* of her for going to visit her little brother. Most likely she's pissed that Daddy has a new family and she's not part of it. She's probably also pissed that Daddy isn't living with her anymore. I don't think that she needs counseling, she just needs to know that Mommy loves her and that Mom and Dad split up, but not because of her. "Children have this amazing ability to internalize everything, and blame themselves" --Dr. Phil(ism). She's probably thinking that it's her fault somehow that you and your husband split, both girls should be. Just hug them a lot, love them though the "I hate yous", and be there when they need you. If she doesn't want to talk about it, don't push. If she wants to talk about it, listen. Bring it up maybe once or twice a week with a "if you want to talk about _____________ I'm here to talk with". Then let it go.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

* * * I agree quite strongly with Marda P. * * *

Find out exactly what's going on, keep in regular contact, and bring them home if you feel in any way uncomfortable with what you find.

ALSO....Document when you call, & what you're told, and by whom. Even if everything is amicable, and best of intentions, in a high-stress situation (which this obviously is for you, and the new baby makes that a given for your ex) memories and details get confused. You may need to have a clear account later on.

My best heartfelt wishes to your family,
Z.

Counciling may not be a bad idea. I am expecting my first baby with my new husband this fall. My girls are 13, 11 and 8. Their dad lives in the midwest and remarried a month before we did. There is a LOT of change and transition going on with these kids and we're finding some definite behavior changes.
It has been a bit longer (almost 3 years) since my ex and I first separated. but kids are kids. This stuff is hard for us as adults to deal with when there's 30+ years of life experience to draw from. How hard it must be for a child.
We are starting counciling with my daughters when they get home from their summer with dad. Even if there weren't specific problems we were dealing with we'd do it.
My best suggestion is to talk to your daughter as much as you can without pushing. And as hard as it may be for you (or not) take her shopping for "a little something" for her new sibling. Show her that it is a good thing and more family means more love. I periodically send my girls to their visits with little gifts (playdoh, matchbox cars, etc) for their step-brother.
Hope this helps and good luck!

This is definitely a tough situation, since everything is changing so quickly. She has a lot on her plate with divorce and travelling to another state and then she has the new baby and instant family on top of it all. She may need counselling to sort it all out.

I found out I was pregnant with our first baby 2 weeks before my husband's ex was due with her 1st daughter with her new husband. My step-daughter had just turned 4 when her sister was born and had to adjust to two new siblings in less than 9 months time. It was tough on her. She had to get used to not being the only in not one but two households. She did adjust with positive feedback from all involved, but she realized she wasn't the baby anymore.

As long as your daughter is included in things while she is there and given jobs to help out with the new baby (presented by the Dad and baby-mom as favors or helping), she'll learn to accept him. She has a right to be apprehensive, since this is unfamiliar territory for her and she has to travel a ways to see the family. Her Dad needs to spend time with her and explain that she is still important in his life and that he is excited to have a baby brother for her to play with and spend time with.

Support her and, no matter how much you may not like the situation, don't let your daughters see that from you. Good luck!

I would tend to agree with your mom. Even though she's so young it might really benefit your daughter to have that unbiased, uninvolved person to share all of her feelings with and help her sort through the tangle of her own emotions without worrying that she's hurting anybody, or betraying anyone by feeling any particular way (which as a kid, and even as adults, we sometimes do). The sleeping arrangements seem a little strange though, does the new wife not want your little one around? Is that what might be causing her trepidation about being there? I'm sorry, this is a rough situation. I wish you all the best of luck!

I'm going to make a huge assumption that maybe you are also having some trouble adjusting to the fact that your ex just had a baby. 9 months after you divorced...sound like your ex jumped right into another relationship and that might be tough for you. Plus you're worried that now he's giving more energy to the new baby and your daughter is suffering.

My advice is to try to step back a bit from the situation and "wait and see." It is very common for older siblings, especially around this age, to have a lot of trouble adjusting to a new baby in the family (even if she is normally "baby-crazy"). You can't control anything that's going on in Utah. As another responder suggested, just give your daughter lots of love and positive praise when she gets back. Give it a few more months to see how she behaves when she's not around the baby -- does it seem to be affecting her overall behavior and happpiness, or does she just seem unhappy when she knows she'll be sharing attention with the baby? See how well your ex juggles the new baby and your daughter once a few months have passed and that all-encompassing new baby phase has settled down.

THEN if you still think your daughter needs professional evaluation, make sure to discuss it with your ex first and if he is on board, great. If not, then you should probably get some additional counseling for yourself on how to most effectively raise your daughter when you and your ex are not on the same page.

Good luck.