Helping Older Siblings to Handle Birth of New Child

Talk to her a lot about the baby so she knows it's on the way. I have a 7 week old boy and a 21 month old girl. I tried to prepare her but it didn't work. She was very jealous and the first month was awful, she would try to hit him and be very mean.

Work on teaching her what "gentle" is... my daughter would touch the baby and be so rough. I had to work with her about what gentle meant and now she gets it and is so much better! She touches him very gently now.

I really suggest making them a big part of the plans for the new baby. When you shop, or set up the room, or what ever, involve the girls and remind them that they are going to be big sisters to the new baby, and what a special role the big sister is, etc.

When they feel involved, they are less likely to feel resentful.

I recieved a great suggestion that I now pass along to my clients who already have older children. Give the siblings $5/10 to go to the dollar store. Let them pick out some toys. Put those toys in a special bin. This bin is to be opened and played with ONLY when you are working with, feeding or needing to devote your attention to the new baby. They will be wondering WHEN are you going to feed the baby! It takes some of the sting of not having mommy at there every beck and call.

Best of luck!

Hi. I am a 24 year old first time mom who just had a little girl in June. Her older brother (stepson) was five when we found out we were pregnant.
I was worried about him adjusting to a new baby, especially since his concept of "family" is a bit skewed by having Mom's house and Dad and M.'s house, etc. I was worried that, with a little influence from various people, he would look at her as "Dad and M.'s baby" rather than his sister.
So, from the time I was about 3 1/2 months along we told him about the baby and got him very involved.
On the first day we told him we bought a special big brother book just for him. "What to Expect When Mommy's Having a Baby". It wasn't full of unnecessary pictures or anything but was very great in that it was straightforward and accurate and simply expressed, in a child's terms, what happens around the house AND HOW THEY CAN HELP while mommy's having a baby.
That was they key. It was all about how CONNOR WAS BECOMING A BROTHER not necessarily that Aurelia was being born. And so, we told him, big brothers get to do all kinds of special things that babies can't do. They can help pick out clothes to buy, because babies can't see yet. They get a new toybox because those are his special toys that the baby won't be able to play with and etc, etc.
We also pointed out regularly how neat it was that he was already such a big boy- he can cut his own pancakes, he can tie his own shoes therefore he can ride a scooter, etc. All things that a baby won't be able to do but he could.
We had him involved from the very beginning and it made all the difference in the world. When we bought him a book, we'd buy the baby a book too. By doing those little things, he gradually gained a concept of the baby being part of his everyday life- and it was totally unobtrusive for months! That let him build a tolerance for this new person in his life and by the time we brought her home he was so excited to show her all the things in his world and share them because he wasn't afraid that baby time meant no-time-for-connor time.

When I found out I was pregnant with #2, my oldest was only 18 months old. I thought to myself "what am I going to do? Larabelle is too young to really explain how things are going to change." So I did some research. Larabelle got a "baby" and a stroller for Christmas (she loved them). I taught her how we have to be gentle with babies, and we love them and kiss them. I also tried to involve her as much as possible while I was pregnant. She "helped" me fold the baby's clothes and put them away. She helped me pick out a few new baby toys. I also read that it sometimes helps to buy them a small token gift to give them the day the baby is born and tell them the baby got it for them. I got Larabelle an Elmo book (she loves Elmo) and had it sitting on my bed in the hospital when I knew my mom was coming with her. When she came in she was very excited about the new book. After I explained to her that the baby had brought it for her, she was very happy and gave her new baby sister a kiss. Now that Desirae is here, I ask for Larabelle's help with as much as I can. And I spend one-on-one time with her when the baby is napping or content being by herself in her swing or on the floor. Larabelle was VERY jealous when Desirae first came home, but now (Desirae has been home for a little over 6 weeks) Larabelle has become a wonderful big sister. She mimics me all the time with her baby doll. I gave her a diaper for her baby so she can "change" her baby's diaper as well.
I hope this helps. God Bless.
~ S. B

How about having them at the birth? It would be extremely educational and empowering for them as future women, as well as bonding them to the birth of their sibling.

Hi C.,
I did something that you may not feel comfortable with and you know your children well enough to know if they can handle it. I let my son, he was 2 and a half then, be in the room for the birth of my daughter. It was an amazing experience for all of us. He has such a close relationship with her that I am not sure he would have if he wasn't there when she entered this world. He was also very involved during my pregnancy. I took him to my appointments and my ultrasounds and so forth.
Good luck to you!
H.

Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl

Hi there, hope the birth goes great. I'd say that to make sure you are spending quality alone time with your other kids, (not to imply you don't) not just have it be all about baby. A lot of times, these little kids feel like the focus is so shifted away from them, that if you just take a day where it is just you and them, special time, they feel more secure. Maybe that is why the acting out is starting, it's a sure way to get your attention. They don't completely grasp what is about to happen, and their whole worlds are about to be changed. Sensing a great change but not understanding what that change is can be very frustrating to some. Maybe this will help?

Does you hospital offer a siblings class? It helped me with my oldest daughter. We are now expecting our third baby and I went out and bought each of my kids a cabbage patch baby with diapers and bottles so they could practice taking cake of the new baby. Hope this helps.
Melissa

About me...I am a stay at home mom in Sandy, Ut I have an 9 yr old and 6yr old. I am 3 months pregnant.

My boys helped decorate the nursery and we discussed them helping. We also discussed the fact that a baby needs a lot of help. After he baby was born it was hard for them to leave mommy at the hospital. When we brought the baby home we let them hold him, feed him etc. (They are never too young to hold them!) Also, I never got upset if they did something they shouldn't. Like poking the baby in the eye. I just explained that they shouldn't and showed them how to tickle his feet. I think a lot of parents get overly concerned about the younger ones hurting the baby. A baby doll would help too. Show them how to rock it and sing to it. (And make sure you say, "I did this with you too.")

C.,

Having them be a big part of their younger siblings life is really where the good stuff is. One way of doing this is to let your littlest dress and diaper a play baby before the real one comes so she is familiar. In the process of playing with her, tell her wonderful stories of having a new baby come to play with her that she can pretend is her own. This worked with my son and daughter. He loved her so much when she came home he would call her "my baby".

He told me a story once and it went like this (he was three yrs at the time),
"Mom, you came out of grandmas tummy, and I came out of your tummy and Edi (his little sis) came out of my tummy."

Now, he is older and he knows that is not really how it worked, but it did establish a great beginning for the two.
Congratulations and best wishes on your new addition.

A

C.,
If you make the kids part of your preparations for the new baby, it's a big help. Also, many of the hospitals offer a Sibling class which is really good - if you don't know who to ask, start with asking your Maternity Coordinator. Another thing we tried, which worked great, was to have a gift that the baby "gave" to the older child. It may not win over the 8 yr old but there is a good chance the 3 yr old will be awed.

I'm not due with my third until January, but we're already tackling the same issue. Our boys are not exactly keen about sharing us with another little one, but we're focusing on what great big brothers they will be.

Best of luck!

the 8 year old is the perfect age - they love babies at that age and can be good helpers! My 8 year old keeps begging me to have another baby... (not going to happen, 5 is enough) I don't think you'll have to do too much with her... just make sure you spend just a bit of one on one time with her... mabye once the 3 year old is in bed, spend a half an hour just talking, coloring together, or work on a puzzle or some other activity she might like. While you are doing that ask what she thinks of the new baby coming.. and ask if she would be willing to be your helper... bring you diapers (she might even be able to change a diaper.. one of my kids could do it at 5 years old!) hold the baby while you tend to the three year old - don't always pawn the three year old on her, if they are getting along,.. ask her if she'll read a book to her.

Now for the three year old... try to spend time with her when the baby is sleeping.. or someone else is holding or taking care of the baby. Buy a baby doll to call her own... a place like WalMart will have them inexpensive.. even a little set that comes with diapers and pretend bath stuff so she can do her baby while you are taking care of yours. There are books about being big sister that can help prepare her too. The 3 year old will act out jealousy much clearer than the 8 year old.. so it is all a matter of how you prepare them.

Congratulations.

I am a mother of a 5-year-old girl and a 2-year-old boy. My daughter requires a lot of attention, so I wasn't sure how she'd react to the new baby when he was born.

I did talk to her about being a big sister so that she would get a sense of pride about it, and involved her in things like ultrasound appts, sibling classes, etc. But I also acknowledged that sometimes she will love the baby and sometimes she might wish he weren't around because he will need attention too. I didn't want to pressure her into feeling like she HAD to love the baby 100% of the time. That's a lot of pressure on a child, especially when they don't really feel it. She seemed comforted to know that I understood her "bad" feelings about the coming baby.

When the baby was born, we let her carry him, and I told her, "He likes it when you're around because he knows your voice." That made her especially proud, and I think helped her to bond to him.

Good luck!

HI C.
I have a 2 almost 3 yr old. Today I got a mag that showed detailed pics about what is going on with the new babies and what they really look like. They were real pictures. She found it so interesting. I though this was a good start for her to understand what is going on. I think for her birthday she is getting a Dora doll that has her twin siblings to help take care of. We were thinking this would help her understand what her roll will be. -A.

Hi C.,
Take this time to really spend quality time with your girls. Before number 3 comes along. Talk talk talk about what is happening and what will happen after the baby comes. When the baby comes (and before) have the girls help you as much as possible with any little jobs involving "baby stuff". Make them feel valuable. All of this works if you stay consistent. I teach Parenting Classes through Redirecting Children's Behavior and have seen it work.
Have a beautiful birth.
M.

hi there, i am a stay at home mom of five (4 boys and 1 girl)
i know that when i was pregnant with my kids one way i got them prepared was i let them come to my last ultrasound so that they actually got to see the lil one . on my last baby my youngest was 2 1/2 and i had the same reaction you did. i spaced out buying baby clothes so that each day i could take them one on one for a special day of baby clothes shopping and each one got to pick out there own outfit for there lil brother . that wasn't the joy part, the joy part was one the baby got here and he got to wear there outfits they picked out ,, my 2yr old would dress the baby with mom's help and then tell everyone he picked out the outfit.(let's just say that the outfit my son got was worn in pretty fast ...HaHa... it gave him a sense of pride and accomplishment that he could be hands on with him also .and now they are the best of buds he is 3 and our baby is 1 and they are still buds. just a suggestion you might try.

Having the sibling attend the birth is a great way to ease the transition. Are you having a homebirh with midwives? If you are, make sure you invite someone to care for the girls only, that way they can be entertained if your labor is long. Having my children at each of my births (and tandem nursing) has made each of their transitions very easy. 3 year olds are naturally defiant and need patience and understanding, especially when there is a sibling on the way - she likely feeling insecure. Are you still nursing your youngest? I would suggest continuing to nurse her after the new baby arrives, and sleep next to and offer extra cuddles to both girls while you're still pregnant.

Hello, well first off congratulation on the arrival of your newest member of the family. I had the same concerns with my kids each time a new little one was coming. Are Hospital had a sibling class and I think it really helped they got to make a card for the baby and they talked about how to help mommy with the new baby and watched a moving on being a big brother or sister they also got a tour of the hospital. I think it really help and the kids loved it. I wish you all the best. A friend J.

I was expecting my son when my daughter was 4 1/2. I sat down and discussed to her that babies need attention and how they need us for everything. To help her understand I purchased a "real" doll that talks, burbs, cries, etc. so we could practice taking care of the baby. It ended up being that after I had him, she and I would take care of our babies together. She is now 8 and the kids get along great. Hope this helps.

I have a few tricks that helped me when my youngest was born. First I would try to get your older ones involved with some of the decisions that are needed for a new baby. Such as helping pick out a name for the baby, what the baby wears to come home, and how to decorate the nursery,or whatever works for u. I think that it lets them be a part of the process and not just a bystander.

When the baby is home try to include them in the daily care of the baby. have them help fetch supplies for diaper changes and help pick out clothes for the baby. I believe this helps them to not feel as they are being replaced. Try showing them an ultrasound video or pictures, that seemed to help my son. Good luck and hope things work out!!

If possible allow them to witness the birth, that event will bond them more than you could ever know. My guess is the 3 year old is perhaps frightened that she might lose u (die). All children fear that, but maybe the "hospital part" has her frightened because at her age most people go to the hospital becaue something "bad" has happend. Maybe a trip to the hospital to see the babies in the nursery??? The eight yr. old is definately old enough to observe the birth; Use ur good judgement on allowing the 3 yr. old to observe, but perhaps allowing her to hold the baby or lie beside u As soon as is possible and explaining how now she is a BIG sister...I just know that at the birth of our last child (the 5th) our other children (18,16 15 and 10) while they weren't in the delivery room (this was 23 years ago), they were outside the delivery room and heard me delivering. My Dr. (who was fabulous) took him outside to let them all hold him for a few seconds (he was still covered with the caul and blood)..they bonded with him so quickly and couldn't do enough for me or him as he grew up. I was soo happy that they were able to see him "fresh outta the womb" because they were in awe of wHat a miricle birth really is. I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck and prayers for ur health and the baby!!! V. (aka: mimi/gigi)