Homebirth with Toddler Present

I think you know what is best for your family. I am a strong advocate for children being a part of the next childbirth experience, and I do agree it would be wonderful to have another adult available to help care for your toddler. Have you thought about getting a doula? You can usually contract one free of charge from a doula school, they have to attend so many births free of charge before they can charge for their services. She can take turns with dad if need be. Can you ask the brother/sister to come down regardless of emergency?
ps- The hospital experience will only be traumatic if you let it be, everything happens for a reason:) Good luck!

Okay, M. I'm in the same boat. I'm 22 weeks and considering all of this too. I suggest not trying to find a baby sitter, but a friend or family member or possibly a duola your lo is or can get familiar with to just hang out during the birth and help lo. Think of it more as a duola for your child. Dad and you will still be primary care givers, but the other person can be there to help both of you. If in the middle of the actual birth baby sister coming out) your lo wants to read a story, play blocks with someone, have mac & cheese this friend could help lo. My daughter is 2 1/2 years old and she's bored out of her mind after hearing the heartbeat at my midwifery appointments, so I suspect she'll be bored while I labor. Thankfully my sister lives with us so she'll be responsible for my daughter while my husband assists me. Both my sister and daughter are welcome to be part of the birth, but this way my daughter also has someone there for her.

My daughter was born at home so I have no illusions that birth may take a while and my daughter may need as much support as me.

I think it is a good idea to have someone in the house that can be in charge of yur child if need be. This is a birth you have no idea what will happen or what your young 2 1/2 year will do or how she will respond to what is going on. Also she is 2 and what if she is throwing a fit? You may not need anyone but like the boy scouts say "be prepared"

I was present at all of my mother's home births growing up. She never considered that it would be traumatizing or detrimental to our well-being and it wasn't. I plan on having my son who's almost 5 present at all of my future births. I think it's good to expose children to real life experiences. However, you might want to have one other person there that would be willing to watch her if need be. That way she can be in the home with you, but safely in the other room if she's upset or tired. Good luck!

Hey M.,
Congratulations on your beautiful family! You've received some great advise- I'll just share my experience. I was present for the birth of my little sister. I was very young (maybe 3?) but I remember being VERY scared and confused even though my mom was a rock star and this was her fourth home birth. I didn't understand what was happening and it totally freaked me out. It must have been pretty traumatic for me to remember something from when I was so little. I'm not telling you this to dissuade you from having your toddler present, only sharing MY experience. She could have a completely different time:) That being said, I would recommend having someone else there just as a backup. Are you comfortable with your husband potentially missing out on the birth? Is he? What if your sweet little girl is super needy and he is having to attend to her while you are pushing? I know she's never been with anyone else- you might consider trying to find someone now and having the person come over for a few evenings to spend some time at your house. I really hope everything turns out beautifully! Good luck to you!!!

Sounds like you have made up your mind! So maybe not worth sharing my experience but anyhow, I was really glad my little girl was out of the house when I had her brother at home. However this was mostly because it was a very challenging birth. I was expecting this since my pubic and pelvic bone arrangement is not helpful for birthing, and with her I had to transfer to the hospital. I was in a similar position as you with no family around (nearest ones in OH!) and she had never spent time with a sitter. (she was just 13 months old). I know this makes it really hard. We do have friends with a girl the same age as her who she was used to spending time with, so she went to their house. I went into labor early am but was not done till 11pm so she ended up staying the night with them, which we had not anticipated. However she was very well cared for and I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been to have her around, and not to have had my husband's unwavering support. Personally, I think it would be better for you to make arrangements for her incase, but I understand that you can only work with what you have. And if that means your husband is the only one for your daughter, then that's how it is. I do however understand your midwives concerns for having a young child in the mix. I wish you a smooth and easy birth.

I think if all goes well, then you have a good plan. However, god forbid, something bad happen, then what about your husband? I know you said that you would be ok for him to miss the birth. But, if something happens, or your baby is born with complications, then don't you think your husband would WANT to be there?
My daughter was born with heart problems. My husband could not have focused on our older daughter. There is no way he could not have been at the hospital. I needed him there to help me make medical decisions for our child.
I am not trying to scare you! I am sure everything will be fine. However, I think it always best to be prepared for the worst. Maybe just have someone a close phone call away. That way you can have it the way you are imagining, but if need be then you can have someone come right over.
Good luck with your decision, it's a hard one! :)

I completely understand wanting your baby girl to be a part of this event, it is all about family. I agree and had my son at the birth of our second child, a daughter, and both were present at the birth of our latest, another daughter( he was born at home, second was a transfer from birthing center to OHSU ending in a c-section, and third was an awesome VBAC waterbirth at the same birthing center).

I honestly think it is best if you have somebody there to care for your daughter, my suggestion would be a doula-in-training?, it's a great idea that daddy be the caregiver but you might need him and that would be a lot of pressure for him to be split. Having somebody else there to give basic care will allow a greater possibility of peace and lack of stress. She can still be allowed to come and go( both mine did with this last birth) but Daddy can remain focused on you. Perhaps I'm assuming you want his support based on my own experience and sorry if this is true but if he is a big part of labor and delivery I would strongly suggest finding somebody now that you are comfortable with and introducing her to your family.
I just can't imagine a birth without somebody to be there with my kids so my husband could focus on me.

Good luck mama:)
R.

P.s. they were in the both in the room when I pushed baby girl out and climbed right in the tub as soon as she was in my arms.

P.S.S. I just read Aimee M.'s response and totally disagree, there is nothing wrong with having a child at a birth I'm sure M. has been talking to her and I suggest showing her natural birth videos. My 2 1/2 and 4 1/2 year olds were fine, if they were scared I would just talk to them between contractions and let them know everything was okay that this was all to help the baby come out.

I think you should have someone come into your house and help play with, care for, and get stuff as needed for your little one. Your birth is a big event that all family members should be present for, and with a toddler it will be hard for your husband to give his best at either one. I think when your daughter is dealing with the emotions, sounds and feel of a birth - she is going to be interested, scared and in awe. I know you've already had a baby - so feel like you have this down - but your husband is going to be big help - and you will need him - regardless of having your midwife and two helpers. I had a homebirth - and my husband was instrumental in the process. Get someone to come in and help - it will make the difference in your birth.

try this link: http://www.pdxdoulas.org/

Hi M.,

From my experience as a birth doula, and I can say, that if you have someone else caring for your daughter when you are in labor and it will make you uptight, that is exactly where your baby will stay...up tight. You don't want that. I am sure that your midwife has her reasons and that you trust her and value her opinion. I might inquire as to her reasons, and share with her your concerns. This is after all your birth and you have the right to say exactly what happens, while providing that you consider all the advice you are offered. It is up to you to decided what to do with that advice.

Hope my advice, for what it is worth is helpful and may your birth be the blessed family event you are planning for!

T. Nelson CD

As you said - you know her best and want the best for her. With that said, I'll still give you my opinion and, you of course and take it or leave it as you see fit.

My daughter gets upset if she thinks I'm in pain. You are planning on natural childbirth. I personally don't think it's the place for a toddler. Even though I TOTALLY get your motivation in wanting her to be apart of it, not feel slighted, feel imporant and loved - I don't think it will be a positive experience. It will be scary and god forbid something happens or if you happen to yell out really loud during a contraction...do you really want her to associate that with her younger sibling? It's going to be a big transition as it is.

Is there a grandparent or special relative that she favors? Could they do something really special so that she feels important?

I wish you luck, happiness and health for you and your family - no matter what you decide!

Hi M.,

I haven't been there/done that, but I would tell you to trust yourself. I think that you have to envision the worst case scenario (transfer to hospital, birth without your hubby by your side) and if you are ok with that...then move forward with your plan. The midwives probably know that a 20 month old might very well freak out during your birth, and that it might be emotional and distracting for you. Their goal is to get baby #2 into the world in a safe manner, so they are going to protect you to make that happen. The midwives want you to be relaxed and connected to the birth of your child. I try to tune my toddler out at times, but it doesn't really work for me....if you can do it, more power to you!

I wish you a safe and peaceful delivery, surrounded by great midwives and the family that you love!

I think your husband is an excellent choice. You need someone she feels safe and comfortable with to explain to her what is going on and to provide distraction when she needs a break. Most children simply get bored with the process until the baby is actually coming. Sounds like you have weighed all the factors and the decision is based on what is best for you and your family. Stand by that and don't let doubts creep into your mind. I would also start explaining the birth process to your daughter so she knows what to expect and won't be so frightened. If you have any videos showing births, I would show those to her and explain that you will be doing that soon. They understand more than people want to believe. If your husband is okay with possibly missing the birth because he has to take your daughter out of the room and you are okay with that possibility then I would say go ahead and have no worries. Chances are, she will be curious when everyone gets excited.

First of all I want to say, Good for you! With that being said, since you want your 20 month old there, just prepare her for what is going to happen. Tell her over and over again that you will be making lots of noise like groaning or yelling, depending on how you labor, and how she doesn't need to be scared because its just your body's way of getting the baby out. Ask your midwife for some videos of ladies giving birth (mine had a bunch) and watch those with your daughter. Explain to her what is going on and see how she reacts. Watch them over and over again and keep talking about what is gonna happen and what she will see.

I decided that I wanted my 5 yr old (I know, way older) to see her little sister born. I let my almost 3 yr old sleep thru it. I made sure I prepared her for all the stuff that could happen. I also made sure to let her know that if she got uncomfortable in anyway that it would be ok for her to leave the room and go do something else.

I wish you all the luck in the world. There is nothing more incredible than the birth of a baby.

S.

M.,
I understand and applaud your family's effort to make this birth a family event. Although I only have two children and my oldest was 23 months when her brother was born, I would seriously consider the advice of your midwife. Labor is a very intense time and although you will have plenty of help, the caring and support of your husband cannot be replaced! Not to mention the enormous stress that your daughter will feel when you are in pain. I don't want to sound harsh but I almost feel like putting a toddler in that situation is unfair. I know that a night away from you or with someone will be stressful for her but it will in no way compare to intensity of childbirth.
During my labor and delivery our daughter was able to stay with some friends for the day and although she had never stayed with them (or anyone other than us) before, she was overjoyed to meet her brother later on in the day and the adjustment of the next few weeks and a new sibling was far worse than the eight hours she spent away from mom and dad. I sincerely hope your family can find someone to help you out. Best of luck.

Hi M.,

Well, it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking in regard to this suggestion from your midwives. Of course, if all goes well, things sound fine.

As someone who had a home birth, I really cherished the experiene of having my partner able to tend to me in those moments I needed some extra grounding and connection. I don't think I would have had the same experience relying on a midwife for those moments, especially ones I had only known for a few months. I would certainly say too, that some labors can go long and the midwives will need to rest so that they can be at the top of their game. If one gets called off to another birth, they may not be able to take turns, and for the people who are supporting a laboring woman, this time can be long/exhausting.

Here are some things I would consider:
With this birth, do you want to be connected with your husband or midwives? If one or more of the midwives has to leave to another birth, will you feel the same about this? What does your husband feel in regard to being sole caregiver and wanting to be supporting/participating in this birth?

And more to the point, if for some reason you had to transfer, would it bother you if your husband wouldn't be there for, say, a cesarean birth or whatever other interventions might be necessary? How would he feel being excluded from those things, and would he want to be in the position of not being mentally and emotionally present for your daughter?

I do understand your desire to include your daughter. If it were me, I would start asking around to find a person or doula who would be willing to support your husband and do childcare. There are some doula schools in town that have students for a lesser price than full-cert. trained doulas.
This way, your daughter can be included and your husband can better participate as your partner.

Best blessings on your upcoming birth.

Hi M. -

Congrats on welcoming your new addition soon! I think you've put a lot of thought into this labor/delivery plan and though your midwife has had plenty of experience and, yes, toddlers are somewhat unpredictable, I would say your situation is a special case (not having family or close friends to support you nearby) so I would keep your plans as they are and let your midwife know how much you respect her experience and opinion, but you've decided to keep your birth plan as is for now. I would just be careful about not letting your toddler be in the room where you're laboring if anything that would feel traumatic for her is going on.

Blessings and best wishes!
J.

Which thing will cause you the most fear/distress--knowing your toddler won't have normal-for-her care in an emergency, or knowing your husband might not be able to be at the hospital if you need to be transported?

Whichever causes the most potential stress, is the one to avoid.

From your question, it definitely sounds like husband caring for daughter is the right choice for you. And if you phrase it to your midwife as a "which will be less distracting and stressful for me throughout the labor" question, she might see your point.

God bless!
--K.

I, as well would worry about how a 20 month old would react to a mother in pain and labor.. I can't think it wouldn't scare a little one so young that she can't understand why mommy is in so much pain... you also are going to have to realize your husband won't be able to be there for you as if he was if someone else was caring for your child and he will miss out on the amazing experience birth is.. Maybe you could hire a teenager or a neighbor to come over and be at your house while you're in labor and when you start going into hard labor and you want your husband by your side and not scare your daughter.. your sitter could take your 20 month old in the other room and turn some music on or something so she can't hear what is happening and you'll still have the comfort of having her in the same house?!! and you'll have your husband by your side when you need him the most and he can also be part of the birth of his child.. just an idea?!

My first birth with my daughter was a beautiful natural experience. I had her in a hospital with no drugs and a doula present. I never yelled or screamed once, and when I needed to stop pushing during an episiotomy to avoid a bad tear, I had that control and could breathe. After that beautiful birth, I wanted my daughter to be at my son's birth. She was nearly three at the time, and as soon as I went into labor I called my mom who lives 3 hours away to come. She arrived at midnight and helped me through labor while my husband got some more sleep. We left for the hospital at 5 a.m. We planned to have my mom bring my daughter in to the hospital when she woke up. I was at Adventist in Portland, and they are awesome at supporting natural births! HOWEVER, my labor just kept going and going. When my son did start to really come down, I had very little control. We literally forgot to call my mom and daughter in because things got so frantic so fast. I was doing a lot of yelling and moaning and ended up tearing very badly because my urge to bear down was so animalistic. I was in squatting position which is supposed to help reduce tearing, but I ended up with a third degree tear because my son never crowned. He just blasted out! I would not have wanted my daughter to see all that. I mean, I wish she could have seen her birth. The good thing was that our house was only 10 minutes away so as soon as he was out, I had my mom called to bring her in. By the time she got there, her brother was still naked in my arms but I was tidied up.

I know you are hoping for a home birth. I think that's awesome. I tell you my story because I think my experience was as natural as possible within a hospital setting, and I think you're going to have to gauge your birth as you go. If things get hairy, just have your hubby remove her. Stick with your plan but be flexible.

Hey there M.. So cool you want your family close to you while you're in labor. As a labor and delivery nurse, one thing I can suggest you think about is how your laboring naturally will affect your daughter. Meaning, you being in pain with contractions and doing whatever you do to cope with them, can really frighten your daughter. I have seen many children get totally freaked out while their mother labors (though I have also seen one 3 year old get a kick out of the whole thing...). Just keep that in mind. 20 months is pretty young to witness labor because she can't fully comprehend and process what is going on---she's just worried and frightened that her mother is so painful. If you have her husband tend to her, that will help her, but do you want him involved in your labor at all? If you do, you should get someone else to watch her (a friend, or a grandparent maybe? not sure if they're available...maybe someone the midwife can recommend and then you could all be there together) in case she is not dealing with the experience well. Just my thoughts! Hope you have a great experience. :)