Horrible Temper Tantrums

Have you spoken to a ped. about the behavior? It sounds like it would definitely be worth getting some counseling. You'll always regret giving up on him, but you can't go on this way either...the stress is just mounting and likely it's making things worse. It's time to get some help. You'll be glad you did. Another thing that most people, even regular docs, overlook is food allergies or "sensitivities". Often times this can cause behavioral problems. There's a lot of info about it on the web. If nothing else works then that might be worth investigating before giving up on him. I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I hope things will calm down soon.

L.,

You sound like a wonderful single parent -- it is NOT easy doing this solo and working and keeping up the house and keeping our growing toddlers in shoes and diapers and now potty training (!) I think you have been doing a great job with a VERY difficult situation. I agree completely with the moms who discouraged you from "giving up" even temporarily and sending him to his father. Your home is the home your children know and love. It's where they feel the most secure (whether or not their behavior shows that all of the time.) I know that you have recognized a change in your son's behavior when you do stand and hold him and I truly believe that is what he is seeking. Our children are at an age now where they are starting to display such independence and maturity at times that it is hard to remember they are still so small and they really do still need the unshakeable love of their mommies. I know that after I have worked all day, rushed to pick my son up from school, cooked a nutritious meal, put his pee pee clothes from school in the wash, cleaned out his lunchbox, thrown the dishes in the sink, etc. the LAST thing I am willing to deal with is tantrums and hitting (me) -- however, it is a cry for attention and its our childrens' way of saying STOP -- pay attention to me -- give me a few minutes of your time -- stop being so BUSY. If you can keep sight of that, you will make it through this. His tantrums and cries for attention are actually a testament to the fact that you are a great mom and your son is longing to be closer to you -- he is just incapable of dealing with how to "properly" get your attention. He'll get it in time, I promise.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I'm a single working mom of a 21 month old. Dad has never been in the picture. We too are struggling with tantrums.

PS Let us know how things are going. We do care.

To me it sounds like to need to "stand there and hold him". He's only 25 months old and is still figuring out how to express his emotions and feelings. While he is trying to be independent, he still needs your love and nurturing just as much as he did as an infant. If he stops while you are holding him, then hold him. If you've tried everything else and it's not working, I'd say it's worth giving this a try for a couple of weeks to see what happens. It is going to be more work and harder for you at first, but it may pay off in the long run. By holding him even while he is throwing a temper tantrum you are letting him know that mommy loves him no matter what. At the same time, however, he needs to understand that throwing tantrums is not acceptable. Try to comfort him until he calms down. Once he does, look him in the eyes and explain to him that "Mommy loves you very much, but she doesn't like it when you throw temper tantrums like that. Mommy doesn't know what's the matter unless you use your words like a big boy. Mommy can help you better if you talk to her instead of throwing a tantrum next time. OK?" Something like that to help him to understand and redirect him to better ways of expressing himself. It could be that he is simply looking for a little more attention and understanding and that is his way of asking you for it. If that doesn't work, I'd try to take him to a child therapist to see if there may be something else going on.

Hi L. ...

My heart really goes out to you. With twins , both at the age of infamous tantrums , I'm sure it is overwhelming.

But I don't think you should give up.I don't think his fits mean that he is unhappy , I really don't. I just think it's possible you two are feeding off each other's tension. He is probably just acting out in frustration , not because h is unhappy with Mama.

I agree with Paula , because you feel it's out of control , that maybe some outside help would improve things. I wish you the best of luck. It will get better ! Hang in there ! ~ A.

i feel for you. and i have been through this. my middle child would throw tantrums like this. what i used to have to do is put her in her room and shut her door and let her scream it out. i would tell her that when she calmed down we could talk. and she sometimes would scream for a good hour or two or more before she realized that she wasnt going to win. it was one of the most teeth gritting experiences you can ever go through.

and i know that it gets to you having to deal with it on a regular basis. just make sure that even if he tries to open the door you gently remind him that he is not allowed until he has calmed down and is willing to talk it out... it finally got to a point that my daughter just stopped all together. i guess some people would say that its cruel but remember in the midst of all of it if you feel like you are going to lose it step aside and take a moment to your self to calm down. i guess its time to start learning to block out the tantrum just long enough to keep your sanity.

and to be honest with you seeking professional help is a waste of time with something like this. this is a normal stage for children. my 24 month old is going through it right now. we live in a world that believes that if your child is out of control for the simplest of reasons, even if it is normal thing for them to go through and learn from, you need to take him to get professional help. its like suddenly we arent supposed to rely on our mothering skills. unless he starts becoming voilent towards you or others or it is becoming an extreme situation that you feel like you have absolutely no handle on then take him in for help. until that point its safe to say that his pediatrician will tell you that unless there is some underlying disease or something like that its normal.

i think what you need is reassurance that you are doing a good job. and you are. having more than one kid is one thing, having two that are the same age is something that i couldnt even begin to comprehend. you will be fine and in time as nerve racking as it is this to will pass. i hope this was helpful and good luck. just remember keep yor cool, even if its hard to do and be consistent with it. you will do great.

L.,

What you are going through is not easy. I have gone throught the same thing with my son. He is now 7. His father and I were never married and we were not together when my son was born. He started with his tempertantrums very early. When he was crawling and things didnt go his way he would swing his head back and then forward and slam his mouth on the tile floor. Bood everywhere. At first I would baby him because he had cut his gums and I was afraid he damaged his mouth. I called the Dr. and she said the mouth bleeds a lot but heals quickly, put ice on it and it will be ok. I did just that with little sympathy and when he stopped bleeding I would put him to bed. Then when he got older he would do as your son would, throw things, hit me and whoever else was around but usually it was me, he would even rip my hair out of my head. I also would hold him down but worked best for me is when I would leave the room he was in and not let him in where I was at. I would also shut all the light if it was night time and just leave a night light on for him. He did not like to be alone (sure, no audiance). I would tell him he could come in the room I was at when he stopped his behavior. His temper tantrums did stop when I stopped giving him the attention for them. I know sounds strange but the tantrum is for you to get your attention and he is getting it. My son would get in such a rage when he was little that one time I was holding him down and I said "Ryan, stop this right now" he said "I am not Ryan" Now that was very scarey because I thought I had a split personality on my hands. I told him whoever he was, I wanted Ryan back right now. Things were very bad but he has not had a tantrum in years. Now when he gets mad at me he says he is going to bed, LOL "oh please don't" I tell him. My son is now in Karate and is doing wonderful. Be strong and change your behavior on how you deal with him and hopefully he will change his behavior to get your positive attention.
Good luck,
C.

A little about me:
42 year old divorced mother of two ages 7 and 20.

L.,

I am also a mother of twins, I feel for your dilema. I have not had your problem, I mean we do get the occasional fit, but mine are pretty calm. However, My Mother is raising my nephew. He was a very hard child to handle. He threw himself against walls and would almost crack his head open. He screamed alot & just generally could not be controlled when he got started. They had him tested for ADHD when school started. 3 years tooo late if you ask me. It did help to put him on meds (I know none of us like to medicate, but if it helps). As he has gotten older it has actually come back, he's 11 now & just got diagnosed with Aspergers syndrom. They now think it was always his problem. I am not trying to scare you or make you think anything is wrong with your child. But very few people are even familiar with Aspergers & maybe you could ask your pediatrician. It's worth looking into.

Hope this helps a little,

I know having him act out is h*** o* you, but you are the only source of constant love, do not let the irritation consume you. You are I am sure a fantastic Mother in an incredibly hard situation, I am sure everyone who has read your note is praying for you. THINGS WILL GET BETTER, JUST HANG IN THERE.

Wow, you are having a really tough time. I can't say that I have ever gone through anything that extreme, but 2 was a rough year for me. I have found that they really try to test your patience in any scenario. My daughter is just finally starting to behave better (she turned 3 this month). Have you spoken to your sons Dr.? Maybe they will have some solutions. I'm sure that it won't be the first time that they would heearing of a child doing this. Just hang in there. Don't give up-it's not you, it's just a phase that he is going through and hopefully it will be short lived! Good Luck!!

Hi L.,
First of all, kudos to you being an divorced mom and raising twin toddlers. My son is just 22 months old and couldn't imagine trying to discipline and handle the tantrums of two of him.

Second, you son is not unhappy with you--he is just having a hard time with dealing with and expressing his emotions and independence. And though all kids are different and some have a harder time than others, the behavior is not about how much he loves you it is very typical of his age.

Tantrums are not avoidable, esp with a strong-willed child. (just ask my own mother about raising one these LOL). But there are things you can do to lessen their severity.
First of all consistency is very important. Not just with now you handle his tantrums but with his entire day and routine.
Having a very consistent routine with eating, nap times and bed times and even play times gives toddlers and even older children a sense of security (they know what is going to happen next). This is especially imporant with not only bed times but the things you do that lead up to the bed time. (Bath, brush teeth, story, bed--or however you want the routine to go--a wind-down time is important)
The same goes with naps--both nap time and bed times should ALWAYS be within a 15 min time period. If his naptime is at 2pm then is should never be before 1:45 or after 2:15.
Also a well rested child is less prone to tantrums--is he sleeping at least 11-12 hours a night and 1.5 hour or more nap? Again many children are fine without such a regiment, but a strong will child will do sooo much better with one.
If he is not sleeping that long--look at his bedtime and if it is after 8pm move that thing back in 15 min intervals until he is sleeping that long. Yes, an overtired child sleeps LESS and not as well, so moving a bedtime back will actually have a child sleep LONGER.

And at his age, he should be able to sleep through the night--meaning unless he's sick he should be able to get himself back to sleep on his own most of the time. By going to him when he is having these fits, you are only reinforcing his behavior. When he does this...you come in and hold him. If you want him to sleep through the night on his own, then you can't undermine yourself like that. For a "plan of action" to address this issue, please check out the Baby Whisperer book I listed below to help out.

I can't also think that something about your divorce, whether it be the disruption, the time he spends with his parents, or some sort of inconsistencies there are also worsening his behavior.v So look at those things too, and if your ex has partial custody make sure there is consistency across the board.

So many things can be done and looked at to lessen this behavior that I couldn't possibly get it all in one response, but I would really like you to check out the following book:
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers
http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Baby-Whisperer-Toddlers-Tra...

She has wonderful insight and ideas how dealing with different personalities in toddlers.

Finally, don't give up! You CAN do this. Get a plan together (whether it be from advice from a mom , a recommended book or a professional) and stick to it!

Seek professional help. This could be from a divorse situation, but I can't help draw similarities to my own son Tyler. He had temper tantrums like what you describle all hours of the day or night and they could last for hours, which was not normal I now know. At the time since he was so young, medacince and special education through school districts (even at 2) was a beggining. My son was diagnosed and that still changes, and now it is a genetic issue. All that may not be your sons problem, but the help we found was a sanity savor for me and my son.

This too shall pass! Seek professional help. Read "She's Gonna Blow" by Julie Ann Barnhill. Talk to your doctor. It's not you, however the way you react may be part of it. Hang in there, being a Mother IS the toughest job on earth...it can also be THE most rewarding!

L.,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have a 2 year old too, and he's a handful, but reading your story makes me almost thankful for his so called "fits". I'm sorry also that you have to deal with this on your own.

My son seems to be very similar though, when other people care for him, people tell me he's a joy and always happy and playing. Alot of the time, when its just me and him he cries the entire time, until my husband gets home. It's kinda like you said "Do I really make this child's life that miserable?"

I can't really give you advice but if I were in your shoes I think I would "give up" for awhile and leave the little tantrum thrower with his father. Temporarily of course, but L. you NEED a break!

Having twins is a handful, having twins and being divorced is worse, and having them also be two...is the absolute worst! I feel for you! But I would have Dad get more involved.

well i have good news and bad news. the good news is that it will go away for the most part but the bad news is you have a long road ahead of you. my 3.5 year old son has had those since he was about 1-1.5 years old. a lot of his problems where that he was not talking so he could not tell me what he wanted and would get fusturated. then there were times where he just wanted to be a little demon. lol

he would throw himself backwards from the standing up position without even looking back, he broke the bedroom door bottom panel out of it by kicking it, and i could go on and on and on. what we had to do was ignore it. over time they would get less and shorter when he realized that he was not getting his way. that was so hard becasue i have 3 other kids at home. austin thats 10 and my twins, katrina and alexandria that are 2. needless to say, i dont have a large set of patients and counting to 50 did not help either. it takes a lot of work on your side to not go to him when he is like that. unfortunatly, it is a negative reinforcer if you keep going to him because he is getting attention from you when he does act up. we finally put nicholas in therapy, behavourial, speech, and occupational because he was developmentally behind. hurricane wilma was h*** o* him because we lost our house done south (broward county) and had to move here with the inlaws where everything was different. its that grandparents house but you have to do what you have to in order to have a place to live till you get back on your feet. as soon as we got our own place again, i called the most wonderful place.

it is called C.A.T.C.H.
community access to child health of brevard, inc.
early steps is a wonderful place to go for help. they have awesome therapists and i am so glad that i contacted them. i was at my wits end where i was worried that i was going to hurt him if we kept going the way we were. the behaioralist actually told me that if i can make a SAFE room for nicholas that i should give it a try. basically take out anything that can hurt him and that is where to put him when he acts up. she even told me becuase he would ram the door and walls that i might have to get some padding and actually put it around the room at his leven so when he throws his tantrums, he wont get hurt.

cheryl brewer-kemppanion, she is the family service coordinator and she is great. her number is ###-###-#### x-210. just let her know that alexandria and katrinas mom referred you to her. she is now helping me with the twins. they are in rockledge but they have other offices and they even make housecalls for the evaluation and therapy.

good luck with everything and just remember that you can walk away and go in another room as long as he is not hurting himself or other people. let him act out and he will get bored eventually. just keep trying to work with him but walk away when your temper gets up becasue it wont do you or him any good.

B. new to work with 10,3,2,2, and 2 step kids 10,9 with a pup from hell, 2 cats and 2 turtles. no rest for the werry

First check with the doctor. Just to clear out any doubts of disorders, then I would designate an area, inwhich he can't get out of, for time out. I use my daughter's room. Or you can use a high chair. You have to buckle him up, so he doesn't get out. Wait a few minutes and then go in an talk to him. If he is still acting up, tell him you are going to let him think about what he's doing and leave, come back in a few minutes. I would continue this until he gets the picture. At this age, the kids are supposed to grasp consiquences. Not totally, but enough to understand that it is not nice. He might just be dealing with the divorce. It might be that he is needing the extra attention. Talk to the doctor about getting some help. You aren't alone! You can get through this! Take care, Jen

If he stops when you are holding him, maybe he is trying to tell you something. I don't know how many hours you work a week, and I understand that it has to be difficult parenting alone. But what if you let him sleep with you?
I mean discipline the tantrums, don't allow them (put him in his room and shut the door, If you are outside the home - be willing to leave your cart and go home) It is worth it!!!!! But make sure that you have lots of POSITIVE time ALONE with him. Cuddling, encouraging ect... It could be that he needs Quantity of Quality time. Remember, he's just 2. Mommy-time (esp w/out Daddy) is ALL any toddler wants.
I really hope it gets better for you.

Hi L.,
My heart goes out to you. I can feel your fustration and hurt through your email. I have a 35 month old daughter- just turned 3 yrs- March 20th. When my daughter turned 18-months, she started throwing horrible temper tantrums, which escalated in intensity as she turned 2 yrs old. I was baffled on how to handle her, she is a very hyper child, vivid imagination, extremely verbal and controlling and would hit and kick at me and my husband. I work and have her in a small in home daycare setting ( 5 kids total)- my sitter told me she is very good at daycare and plays well with the other kids (all of them are 2 to 3 yrs. old). Like you, I tried spanking, taking things away, re-direction and time outs. The only thing that started to work for me, was sticking her in the crib and leaving her alone to cool down. When she sounded like she was done crying and having one of her violent tantrums, I would go in and try to talk to her, if she continued the tantrum, I would leave the room and give her more time to cool down. I got this idea from my babysitter, and I did this as soon as she started her tantrum, if she started to act out in public, I dropped everything and would let her throw a tantrum in the car. I have spent over an hour sitting in the car waitng for her to become a reasonable child for us to resume errands. This method was not an overnight success story, but it was a beginning to having her understand that I was not willing to do anything with her or have her to do anything she enjoyed if she was going to act inappropriately. Now at 3 yrs old, she has improved tremendously, she still has her tantrums, but they are not as bad as it was in the beginning. I can now put her in time out in a chair or on the couch. You have to be very consistent with this type of discipline, and you have to act as soon as the temper hits. No talking to them, until they are completely calm and willing to talk about why they are so upset. Nothing else has worked for me, but this method. I hope this advice is helpful. Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going with you and your family. Sincerely, R. R.

I agree with J. C on this one. You need to kind of put your foot down with him. I'm sure you've tried everything. Maybe he is just looking for a reaction. I would find a "time out spot" that he can't escape from. Somewhere away from TV or toys. Somewhere dull and boring. Let him throw his fit. Then calmly ask him if he would like to talk about it. If he says yes, explain why he is in trouble and what behavior you'd like to see more of. And this always works with my 3 and 2 year olds; Tell him that you know he is a good boy and he just isn't acting like one right now. As parents we sometimes forget to tell them that just because we are upset with them now doesn't mean we don't like the way they act all the rest of the time. And every now and then peek in and say "hey! you're doing a good job being good and playing quietly so Mommy can read the paper! Thanks!" Just don't back down. If he wants to sit in time out from breakfast until dinner and not play all day that's his problem. Trust me though, it never comes to that. They forget after a while what they were mad about in the first place.

L.,
Contact your early intervention provider in your area. They will assist you in any area in which you are having difficulty and since it is federally funded by the gov't (services for ages birth to 3), you will not have to pay. Ask your pediatrician where they are located or you can search on your computer, and then call them for an appt.
I have used them for a year for my adopted daughter from China, and they truly are a wealth of resources. They can provide assessment for your son to see what the root of the behavior (the function) is. If you'd like some more information, you can email me privately.
Don't give up! I think sending him to his dad may only worsen his outbursts, in my opinion, and it would create a trust issue with you.
Good Luck
P.