Hi all,
I've got a 15 month old daughter and I work full time. I have a few friends with children but they live in other states. Most of my friends in the area don't have children. I am trying to maintain these friendships but am finding it more and more difficult to do so as my daughter gets more active. My time with her is precious, but I also want to see my friends. Is this normal? Has this happened to other Moms? What do you do?
I've tried to join mother's groups but they often meet during the week and on the weekends it just seems false to me to meet up with people I barely know.
I feel like this is more of a vent, but any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
Thanks all for the advice, I think I am going to try and schedule brunches with friends, I really like that idea of scheduling something once or twice a month. I'm still leery about mother's groups, I've tried a few and they just don't work for me. It is nice to hear that others have had similar experiences.
I was in my late thirties before I married and had a child, and like one of the respondents, I really enjoyed the time I spent with friends with kids. I have a number of friends who don't have kids and who don't plan to, and seem to treat my child as their adoptive one--they seem to feel a special bond with her. So do keep it up. Remember, they want to be friends with you, and that means caring about what you care about most.
Playgroups are a great way to get to know other moms. Does you mothers club offer playgroups? Usually you can get paired up with moms who have children who are similar ages (and they don't usually know each other yet either if the kids are young). Also the public library (not sure where you are a librarian) often times offers story times and playgroups to children as well. Lap babies (story time for babies) was where I established many of my friendships with other moms and we are friends to day (my kids are 8 and 6).
M.,
It may seem false to you to meet with people you don't know, but remember this, there was a time that you barely knew your friends that you have now. Over time your relationships developed. I can also speak from experience when I say that your child, even though young, will need some playdates with other children to learn social skills. So meeting with this group will be beneficial to both of you. Never read a book by its cover. You may find that your best friend is part of the group once you get to know them better! Good Luck!!
It's another one of those balance issues. I have many friends without kids, and I have two VERY ACTIVE boys. Most times we plan "girls night out" and that has worked out well. I try and go out after the kids have gone to bed to meet up with my friends, that way I can be mom and friend!
One of my "no kids" friends is one of my son's godmother - and she has many nieces and nephews. We do the girls night out, but also go to "kid friendly" places as well. She's a real trooper and I wouldn't do those types of things with most of my friends.
Good luck,
C.
It takes some planning and understanding (if you have to cancel because of sick kids, etc.)
If your daughter takes a long nap on Saturdays or Sundays you can see if one of your friends wants to come over for coffee or lunch. You can just chill out and chat. Or you can go shopping with a friend. Usually my son will just sit in his stroller and I can still hang out with my friends or sister who doesn't have kids. We join our friends for dinner with our son who is now 18 months old and are able to hang out at chili's. It's pretty casual. If you are married perhaps you can have your husband watch your daughter for an hour so you can have lunch or dinner with a friend. I did the mother group thing when he was about 3 months to 6 months and then I just got to busy. He socializes enough with his cousins and other people, so the mom group was just about me getting out of the house when he was little. He has more fun going to the grocery store with me.
I think it's harder to get together with any friends, whether they have children or not, once you have a child. There's even more reason for schedules not to jive once there are more children involved.
I know how you feel though. I have a few friends that don't have children that I used to get together with quite often, and now we just don't have time. We try to all plan brunch every once in a while so we can at least all sit together and catch up. Those of us who have kids can feel free to bring them and it's just a good time to talk and see what's been going on. So maybe that would work for you. Plan something at least 2 weeks in advance so nobody has an excuse to not be able to go and make sure you make it a regular thing. Even if it's only once or twice a month, it can make a big difference in staying close to your friends.
M.,
I had the exact same experience with the mom's groups. Luckily, I found one for single moms, so the events are based on a work schedule and they allow you to bring your child (which the other one didn't). The web site is:
http://www.meetup.com/singlemothersunited/
I haven't attended a meeting yet (just joined last week), but I'm looking forward to it.
I have also had a hard time keeping contact with my friends. If you can't make time for one-on-one time with them, the only other option is to invite them into your new life and see if they like it. It's also easier once your child is a little older and is more mature. But you might want to try to establish a relationship with your child and select friends that might be open for it. Good luck!
I have this problem too, but when my 1st was young I joined a mother's group and met some wonderful friends. I see my kid-less friends on occassion - Dad watches the kids and we get together for dinner, etc. Definitely try to make time for those friends, but I would suggest joining a group like the Nashua Mother's Club or whatever may be in your area. I'm sure there are many women in the same situation. Good luck!
What I'm hearing is not that you are looking for new friends but how to stay connected to the friends you have who do not have children. Before I had children I had many friends who had children and I wish they had invited me to do more things. Ask your friends if they would like to accompany you and your son to the park, museum whatever. You can also hire a high school or college to come and play with your son while you visit with friends. The baby sitter could go to the park or lunch, stay at home with you, whatever works for you. The nice part is that you get to know and monitor them while having a little breathing room with your friend(s). Good luck and talk to your friends about what might work for them. Some people understand that your son will preoccupy your time when you are with them and be o.k. with it. Others won't get it at all. BTW, 20 years ago I had someone who hired me to come and play with her kids while she and her husband had a dinner party, or brunch at their house etc. I am still very close to her and her kids.
I also think this is really hard, not only because of the time crunch but because the lives of people with children are really different than without. So I sometimes feel like I'm giving a blow by blow of my child's life, which is really boring to someone without kids. So then I feel like I'm trying to NOT talk about my kids, which is hard too. I do really value those friendships and work on them, but it isn't the same as before I had kids. Much more checking in via email and less face to face time.
It has been really helpful to make friends with kids though. I know when I joined a moms group at the beginning it felt really weird, but three years later I've stayed friends with a couple of the women. Also, what does your daughter do while you're at work? As my (3 y.o.) daughter has gotten older we've become more friendly with the parents of her friends in her preschool class. There are more playdates, etc. You could try starting a parent's group at her daycare, should she go to one. Finally, when she's just a little bit bigger, you could enroll her in lessons (swimming, gymnastics, etc) on the weekends and meet people there too. I would venture a guess that lots of the other moms are also looking to make new friends with kids the same age.
Good luck. I have found this to be one of the hardest parts of parenting. It's gotten better as more of my friends have had kids and I have met/become friends with more people with children. But it did take a while.
Your situation is very similar to mine when I was your age. Many of my friends had older children, so at least they were comfortable around little kids, and very accepting when I brought my baby/toddler to events, dinners, or parties where there were no other children. (I ALWAYS checked first if it would be OK). Babysitters were hard to find, and my son was very well behaved (which helped!) For the rest of my friends, I tried to judge whether they enjoyed my son's company or not. Several did, and we would do fun things that he could do with us (even just hang out at my house). For others, I would meet them in the evenings alone. My husband was great about that- he enjoyed his one-on-one time with our son while I had my night out. We never did find close friends with kids the same age as ours, but it wasn't a problem.
