I am a 32 year old mother of 3 (one biological daughter, a stepson and a stepdaughter). My husband was a Chief Warrant Officer in the Marine Corps until he was discharged medically in March due to combat wounds. First, I want to tell you that ADHD is a manageable condition. My stepson has profound ADHD. We experienced many of the same things that you are. As a parent, you feel like it is your fault and that you are somehow failing as a parent because you cannot control him. The best advice I received regarding ADHD and discipline is to focus on encouragment. Along with ADHD often comes extreme insecurity in children. The children often exhibit behavioral issues that many times are due to their short attention span. You may tell your child not to hit, for example, 10 times and each time he acknowledges that it is wrong and he will not do it again. Unfortunately, that lesson learned does not stick in their memory very long. ADHD requires repitition of "lessons learned" many times for the lesson to stick. What I have found was the best help for both my son's behavior and learning issues was to boost his self confidence...decrease his level of insecurity. I would give my son small jobs that were at a level he could handle and praise him for a job well done. I would also focus on positively addressing everything that he was doing right, such as taking his plate to the kitchen when he was through with his meal, or placing his shoes in his closet before bed. I made a simple chart of jobs that he would consistently do, such as the tasks I just mentioned, out of posterboard. I made it colorful, with glitter and bright colors. Each time he accomplished a task, I would put a gold star sticker beside that task. Every night before he went to bed, we would count the number of stars he had earned and I would praise him first for a job well done and then we would talk about what he could do better. It is a visual aide that he can constantly refer to to account for his short memory forgetting.
It also sounds like your child may be experiencing separation anxiety due to his father being deployed. Following is some information that I copied on children and deploying parents from the USMC website that you may find helpful. If I can be of any further help, just email me. And hang in there! It will get better!! :) Pam W.
During deployment: a. Maintain routines; regular mealtimes and bedtimes can help children feel more secure. Try to keep the same family rules and routines that were used before separation. Don’t forget to schedule some of the same activities the family enjoyed when Dad/Mom was home. Children may be uncomfortable feeling that everything is “on hold” until the deployed parent returns. b. The parent remaining should discipline consistently. Don’t let separation mean a free rein. Do not threaten your child with “wait until your father/mother gets home!” It’s hard to look forward to the return of someone expected to punish you. c. Let children know they are making a valuable contribution by asking which chores they would like to do. Assign specific chores to be completed at a specific time of day. d. Encourage each child to send his/her own letters, pictures, schoolwork, etc. The deployed parent should communicate with the children individually with stationery, stickers and colorful postcards that are age appropriate. Cassette tapes can be used to send children messages or read them a story. As the deployed parent, don’t forget to acknowledge birthdays and other special occasions with cards, letters or small gifts. e. Talk about the deployed parent in daily conversation and think of ways to keep the connection with him/her. Let children know it’s okay to be sad, teach them how to recover and move on. f. Post a large world map and help the children track were Dad/Mom’s travels take them. The children can also do special jobs such as tracking a favorite sports team or television show and reporting in their letters. g. Look for deployment resources for children via the Key Volunteer Network or MCCS Children, Youth and Teen Program. Return and Reunion a. Parents returning to children need to remember it’s hard for children to get used to having you back home. Your children’s reactions at homecoming may not be what you expected or hoped for. Very young children may not remember you and even older children need time to get reacquainted with you. b. Be patient – let your children know how much you love them. Spend time with them doing activities they like. It’s a good idea to spend time individually with each child. c. The parent who has been with the child during the deployment needs to be prepared to reinforce the adjustment period. It’s important for the returning parent to have time alone with the children to facilitate the adjustment. d. The returning parent should remember not to disturb a family set-up that has been working well without him/her. Give the whole family time to readjust to having you home. e. If there is a new baby at home that has arrived since the beginning of the deployment, the returning parent should introduce himself slowly into the “new baby” routine.
CHILDREN AND SEPARATION Separation from a parent is stressful for a child and there will be reactions from them to that stress. Those reactions will differ among children. The following are some examples of what you might expect: Infants (Birth – 12 Months) • Changes in eating and sleeping patterns • May want to be held more • May seem fussier than usual Toddlers (Ages 1-3 Years) • Show regression in walking or potty training • Cry for no apparent reason • Whine and cling to you Pre-Schoolers/Kindergarten Age • Clinging to people or favorite toy/blanket • Unexplained crying or tearfulness • Increased acts of anger or frustration • Sleep difficulties, nightmares, frequent waking • Worry about the safety of everyone • Eating difficulties • Fear of new people or situations School Age: • Change in school performance • Increase in complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other illnesses when nothing seems physically wrong • More irritable or crabby • Fascinated with the military and news about it • Worry about family and finances Adolescents: • Any of the above signs • Acting out behaviors such as getting into trouble at school, at home or with the law • Low self-esteem and self-criticism • Misdirected anger • Loss of interest in usual hobbies or activities Children who have a good relationship with parents usually cope well with separation. They have an understanding of the parent’s job and why deployment is an important part of it. There is an available adult who is willing to listen to them and talk honestly about their concerns. These children have a strong sense of self-confidence and self-worth. Frequent and dependable communication between the deployed parent and the family plays a role in a child’s security a nd ability to cope with separation. All children are different and adjust differently to deployment. It is important that parents normalize these reactions to separation and stress. If the stress related behavior endures longer than a month, further investigation may be necessary. Suggested avenues are talking to other parents, talking to teachers or the school counselor, attending a parenting class or seeking professional counseling.
