How to Interact with a Moody 2 Year Old?

Two of the most basic needs that all humans have are the need to belong and the need to have control in their life. The 3 things that young children can control are sleeping, eating, and toileting. When your son refuses to eat, it's not because he got that tendency from his father. It's because he's human, and he's upset, and he just wants to be in control of something, anything, in his life.

When you punish him for this or plead with him to eat, you turn it into a power struggle. Don't do that. Instead, just say 'ok.. if you don't want to eat, that's ok. But if you don't want to eat now, you won't be able to eat again until supper.' Then walk away. If he chooses not to eat and comes to you hungry 2 hours later, remind him that he chose to not eat and he'll have to wait until supper.

Start giving him lots of choices during the day. Which shirt does he want to wear? Does he want to play with the blocks or with his trains? Does he want the red plate or the blue plate? The more you feed his need to control, the less he'll feel the need to fight with you over things like eating.

A lot of this is typical "terrible twos" as others have said below. I think, however, that this has eroded your confidence so much that you are letting your son call all the shots. As a result, you're shaking around him and feeling nervous - that's not sustainable!

He is looking for some structure because that brings security, so you want to offer him some control through choices that seem like a big deal to him but which are manageable for you.

First, stop putting him down so early if he's never falling asleep. I'd adjust his bedtime by 15 minutes every night or two until he's going to bed around his natural sleep time. I'd also get some room darkening drapes so he doesn't wake up with the sun, and maybe a white noise machine so he doesn't wake up with the birds (which are now up around 4:30).

Stop trying to force food - he didn't get this from his father, he's trying to have control over his little life. Don't give in to it. If he doesn't eat, fine. He will no starve. He will eat when he is hungry. But that doesn't mean you turn into a short order cook. You let him know that he doesn't have to eat, but the food is getting put away and the next chance to eat will be X (mid-day snack or lunch or whatever). Kids have to eat more than 3 times a day, but you don't have drop everything because he's hungry 15 minutes after you put the breakfast stuff away. He absolutely does not need a bottle - so keep that off the menu from now on.

Give him choices of 2 things:
"Do you want to sit on the floor or do you want to go to the park?...(Pause for answer). Okay, we'll go to the park another day."
"Do you want to sit on the floor or have breakfast while the food is out? (Pause for it to sink in). Okay, I'll put the food away and maybe you'll be hungry at lunch time."
"Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?"

Do not give in to his whining - he'll give it up when it doesn't work. The lesson you want to teach him is that it's his choice to be hungry or to miss the park. "How unfortunate for you" is your motto. You can change it to "That's too bad for you, isn't it? You decided to sit on the floor instead of eating breakfast."
"That's too bad for you. I had time to go to the park before, but now it's laundry time." And so on. Same tone, matter-of-fact, no taunting with a "too bad!" inflection like a teenager would give you! Just simple and sort of business-like.

It's okay for a kid to sit alone until he comes out of his funk - when he's 2, when he's 7, when he's 16. Please, please stop trying to be responsible for his moods by making nice all the time. Just a casual, "Okay, if that's how you want to spend the time. Me? I'm going to do a puzzle/read a fun book/play with the dog."

If he's playing contentedly, you don't need to pick that time to play with him. If you need him to get a move on because it's time to go, try giving him a 5 minute warning (he can't tell time, but he can easily learn that when the timer goes off, it's time to go). Give him a choice if he balks: "Do you want to put on your play clothes or do you want to go to the store in your pajamas?" Then take him shopping in his pj's! It's not a problem. Of course, if he wants to play outside, well, he can't because he made the decision to not get dressed.

If he throws himself on the floor, that's a tantrum. You walk away from that and don't let him suck the life out of you. If he needs to get going, then you pick him up, undressed and unfed, and you put him in the car seat with a blanket over him. He doesn't have to walk if he won't - you pick him up. It's okay. Parenting is not a popularity contest. You'll show him, over time, that he has certain choices within certain parameters, but you're the parent and he isn't running the show either. Try to be consistent and use the same words every time. Not too many, but the same philosophy and attitude from you will give him the security and consistency. If you try to do things his way on Monday and then be demanding on Tuesday, he gets confused.

Do read the books recommended by JB, and get his father to agree with you on a parenting plan. Then stick to it and be consistent - no giving in to a kid who goes around Mom to get Dad to agree!

Above all, do not take this personally. He's not in charge of you and it's not up to you to cater to his moods. Just work around them.

I've never met a toddler who isn't moody. This all sounds normal and developmentally appropriate to me. Perhaps some books on child development might reassure you? I found the Touchpoints series (birth to 3 and 3 to 6) by T. Berry Brazelton to be excellent.

You may have lucked out with a very even-tempered child with your daughter and didn't have to deal with this before but really, this is all normal. You just have to have patience and keep your sense of humor and ride it out. At this age, they can only concentrate on one big skill at at time...a baby who was starting to talk will shift energy to walking, or vice-versa. Teething is miserable no matter how old you are.

My oldest son seemed *more* everything from the start. More moody, more cranky, more intense. Cried longer and louder than most kids, couldn't self-soothe, seemed to hate everyone and everything some days. Had an intense, disproportionate amount of anger for someone so small - I often wondered what on earth could piss off a 3 year old so much LOL. For him, the answer was any and everything. He's still intense now (he's 20) but we survived. If you really feel like he is intense and just *more* than is typical, the book Raising Your Spirited Child might offer you some helpful perspective and tips. I found this book when my son was 3.5 and it was a relief and validating to know that he really was more of everything and that I wasn't a bad mom and he didn't hate me. It was a matter of temperament and when I better understood his thoughts and feelings, I was better able to predict, react, mitigate and prevent melt downs and misery.

at age 2 my son would go to bed at 9 wake at 9 and had zero naps. if i changed his sleeping routine or tried to make him nap he was a grouch. so if your child is not going to sleep at 7 why not try changing up the bedtime and nap routine?
you could also check with his dr. to rule out tummy troubles. my dd would be extra crabby if she ate anything with onion in it.. (ketchup, ranch dressing, and most anything that is pre-made like chicken nuggets, and canned foods like soups and ravioli. ) so a food and mood journal might help you determine if its worse with certain foods.
if you find nothing with the sleep and nothing with the food then its just a phase and it too shall pass eventually

I wouldn't put him down at 7 if he's laying there till 9 - I think you have to rethink this. I would go by his cues a bit more. You have him on a schedule but his schedule should be what works for him. I think he'll be happier, and then you'll be far happier.

Time changes always messed with mine. Get him up early, get him good and tired, and then keep him up and adjust his nap, and within a week, his sleep will be sorted out. He'll be a far happier toddler.

As for his speech regressing - has he had any colds lately? It's the number one reason for kids having speech regress - fluid in ears. Even if not, keep working on how he can communicate with you. Frustrated little toddlers get upset not being able to tell you what they need. Make it easier for him. Point to things, get him to show you, etc. Also, for slow talkers - moods are quite common. Just knowing this will make you less tense.

Make sure he's well fed. If you're getting rid of bottle in morning, then make sure you've replace that 'meal'. He may be grumpy because hungry. Hurry up with breakfast :)

Terrible twos are a moody time. It gets better. Different kids, different personalities. My early chatty/communicative kids seemed like happier toddlers - but it all balanced out in the end. My early grumpy guses are lovely - just needed the words :)

Welcome to the terrible twos!
It often becomes the terrible threes.
Don't worry - by about 4 yrs old it all seems to get a lot better.

Additional:
At this age - choices have to be few and simple.
You give him a choice "do you want to wear your red shirt or your blue shirt?".
Not wearing a shirt is not an option - and he may not like that - and you have to realize it's not always about giving him what he wants.

Your goal is not to give in to tantrums - it's ok for them to cry sometimes.
They have to learn that pitching a fit will not get them what they want - otherwise they will do exactly that for a very long time - decades.

A happy child means is one who is not given responsibility that is beyond his age.
That means you make the tough choices for him - and be ok with him sometimes not being happy about that.

There is a reason that it's called the terrible twos!
So much going on here, I'll just tackle a few things.
- Sleeping. As toddlers get older, they start to sleep less. You are expecting him to sleep from 7PM until 5AM, plus he probably still takes a nap. No wonder he doesn't want to go to sleep, he's not tired. It's not him that is being unreasonable, it's you. If he doesn't fall asleep until 8 or 9, why not make his bedtime 9PM. 9PM until 5AM is 8 hours of sleep a night. If he also takes a nap, then he's sleeping about 10 hours a day, which is completely normal for a toddler. If you don't want him to wake at 5AM, you might have to (gradually, not all at once) push his bedtime back a little later even.

- Trying to get him to do things like getting dressed. Some kids like to have control over themselves very early. I had one who one of his first words was "SELF!" as in - I want to do it myself. It was frustrating sometimes, but I quickly learned to give him as many choices as possible. I controlled when it was time to get dressed, but he could choose what he wanted to wear (I didn't care if it matched, as long as it was weather-appropriate). I put healthy food on his plate, but I let him feed himself and I didn't argue over which foods he ate and which he did not eat. As much as possible, give him choices. It is hard now, but I promise that you will appreciate your child's desire to be independent when he is a little older and he can get himself ready for school without any nagging!

Good luck!

Oh, and regressing a little with talking when learning to walk is totally normal. He's really working h*** o* the walking, and once that is easier, he'll have more brainpower available to think about words again. If he completely lost his language skills, there might be something else going on here, but a little less focus on words is normal.

ETA: He is definitely not too small to understand as long as you make the choices simple.
If he's not talking much, give him choices where he can point to show you what he wants.
Some easy things to start with: hold out 2 fruits and say "which one for lunch" and let him point; put multiple foods on his plate, and let him choose which ones he puts in his mouth and don't fuss about his choice. In the morning getting dressed, hold out 2 shirts and say "which one?" Let him wear the first one he grabs. Same for pants. Open the sock drawer, say "pick some socks", and put whatever pair he grabs onto his feet. Going to the store? Say "do you up or hold my hand and walk?" If he puts his arms up, he wants up. If he takes your hand, he wants to walk. (Only do this one on short trips and be prepared to walk very slowly through the store). In the afternoon, ask if he wants to drink milk or water - hold out a cup of each and let him point (if he chooses water, put the cup of milk into the fridge for next time). I'm sure there are many small choices that you can give him all day long.

2 year olds are perfectly capable of directing most aspects of their lives, if you let them.

Choices: do you want to read one more book and then go to bed, or just go to bed? do you want strawberries or grapes for lunch? Do you want to swing one more time before we leave or just leave? It's time to leave, do you want to walk or be carried? It's time to leave, do you want to hold my hand or walk by yourself? It's time for a bath, do you want to play chase or skip to the bathroom? Time for a bath, am I chasing you or are you chasing me?

As you can see, the questions lead the child and guide the child in the direction you want them to go while giving them a say and empowering him/her.