How Young Is Too Young to Take a Child to a Funeral

Death is a part of life. Children should be exposed to funerals it does them good to be able to say good-bye. When we have a funeral in the family everyone goes from oldest to youngest. Sometimes it helps the older ones to see the little ones. Little ones are joy incarnate.

My step kids lost their grandpa when they were 5 and 7. Mom called as soon as he passed (he was on hospice so it was expected) and we went to pick the kids up that morning. dad didn't know what to say/do, so I suggested getting latex baloons, letting them write messages to grandpa, and then releasing them to heaven. Mom didn't want the kids at the funeral, so they stayed with us for about a week. The kids a 8 and 10 and are still upset and confused about why they couldn't attend grandpas funeral. Mom was living with grandpa prior to his passing so they spent 50% of their time there.
I agree that you should start prepping them now. When my dad passed the funeral home gave us a special edition of sesame street that talked about giving. Someone also suggested all dogs go to heaven. The funeral home also gave us heart shaped ornaments for the kids to decorate and then include in the casket. It can be a sad time, but the kids need the chance to let go too.

I was 6 when my grandfather died. My mother felt I was to young to go with her. To this day I have always felt I never got the chance to say goodbye. I would take them. I think it's an important lesson about life, death, and the afterlife.

Kids in my family have always attended funerals, no matter the age. Never had problems.

I just lost my Mother, who was 100, just over 6 weeks ago and all of her 7 great grandchildren came to the funeral. Their ages range 10 years and the youngest is 11 months.
She was very active in all their lives, holding them on her lap, reading to them, playing games with them until she broke her hip the 2nd of October. They also came to see her in the hospital and rehab and sadly, she aspirated (she choked on medication and it went into her lungs) the 2nd of November and developed pneumonia and died of heart failure on the 8th.. 5 of the 7 great grandchildren came to see her until the day before she died and she was able to kiss them goodbye.

We have wonderful pictures and video's of her with them of all stages of their lives.
I remember going to my great grandmother's funeral when I was 5 years old and do not feel I was traumatized in any way, I remember her hoeing in her garden in her dress, wearing her apron and bonnet. That was probably 1953.
My son went to my Uncle's "visitation" at the age of 4, but I didn't take him to the funeral. He did go to my Grandmother's funeral at the age of 5, and it was not a problem.
The children are all well adjusted and aware that all living things die at some time and our children are raised as Christians and believe Great Grandma is in Heaven.

A side note, (why I believe in Heaven), my Mother experienced an "out of body revelation" when she was in the hospital, with family, nurses and Dr. present, where she became free of pain, was smiling, happy, and talking to family members who had passed on many years ago. She was telling everyone she loved them and called them by name and spoke of "hearing" her Grandpa's voice, talked to her brother, who died over 30 years ago, and she repeatedly held up her arms and said, "oh, ALL YOU GOOD PEOPLE", "ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE ARE HERE, I'M GOING TO BE OK". She kept saying over and over, "I love you all", and though she was talking to people on "the other side", she would still call us by name and tell us that she loved us too, something she had never done before.. She spoke of "PEACE and BEAUTY", during this episode, which lasted for a couple of hours, she had a "radiant, glowing look" about her face and eyes, that we had never seen before. The Hospice Nurse who was there, said she had seen similar things, and I too, as an RN, have witnessed experiences similar, but never to the extent the way Mom did it.

Our family told her 'good-by' and that it was okay to "go", and two days later, she rallied, started eating and drinking and was able to be more herself, progressed and was able to go through hip surgery, recovery and rehabilitation until the aspiration pneumonia, which ultimately killed her.

I've taken my kids to funerals at all ages. So far not for anyone they were close to, or anyone whose death had to be explained other than being old or sick.
But they understood what it was about and also behaved very well. I take them to church often enough so they know how to act during a service.
I think it is even more important if they are close to the person who has passed.

I think it's fine & I say that from personal experience.
My sisters & I were about these ages when we attened every single one
of my grandparents, aunts & uncles funerals. I would not want to replace
that. I'm glad I got a chance to say good bye as it made us understand
the cycle of life, respect, the importance of closure & I think it made us
stronger. More apt to handle life's struggles, hardships.
I think it made us compassionate & sympathetic to others.
I've seen sheltered kids have less of an idea of how to respond to suffering, pain, loss. They seem to miss the smpathy gene.

Yes, my daughter has been to all of the family funerals, as it is a part of life. The first two took place when my daughter was 5. One was my cousin and the other was my daughter's great granny. With her granny, they cremated her, so there was a photo of her Granny with the urn. After the service we spread the ash and she was present.

The following year, her great grandfather passed. He was buried and given a military veterans service.

The one that has been most difficult on her is her cousin who passed almost a year ago. She was crying for her today.

In my view, it is part of life and if your girls were that close to your cousin, then personally I would take them.

Last December I took a barely six year old, almost four year old, and a ten day old to a funeral. They did fine. My oldest cried while we were there, but she knows what we believe and that she'll see her grandmother again. My middle guy will still occasionally tell me he misses her, but I think that would've happened either way.
Your kids are probably old enough to handle it, but you know their maturity levels and how they deal with things. I'd say take them, especially if this is someone they're close to.

In our culture all ages attend all funerals. They are used to the whole experience it is treated very matter of fact, . They see us mourn and then celebrate at the wake. It is just like church, take some quiet toys or activites. Tell them how to behave.mand what to expect. Explain why w have funerals n the first place.

This does not mean they have to view the body, but have never seen any of the kids in our families be afraid. It is just what is done.

Our son was 3 when my FIL passed away.
We took our son and my niece who was 2 was there as well.
They were both to young to know what was going on.
In our family, the kids all go to the weddings and the funerals.

I had just turned 8 when I went to a funeral for my grandfather. At the time it was scary and I didn't truly understand what was going on but I we had lived with him for a while and we were very close so my parents knew it was important for me to go.

I would say the seven year old should absolutely go. Even if now the whole is scary when the child is older he will be so thankful he got to say goodbye. Talk to both your kids though now. Say something like "Grandma is very close to death, while that means we won't get to hear her voice or wisdom she will always live on in your heart."
Then walk them through what they day of will be, prepare them for the open casket, wake and any religious mass.

My daughter attended her brother's (my son) funeral when she was not quite 3. 7 is not too young IMHO.

My children were 1, 2 and 4 at their uncle's funeral. They were 3, 4 and 6 at their grandfather's funeral. They handled in fine, and it was great to have children there. I have always taught my children that deather is part of the human experience. I would definitely take a 7 year old.

There is no 'too young' age. The important thing once a kid is old enough to have an opinion is to take their feelings into account. They are both old enough to make the decision now, so ask your kids if they want to attend or not, then respect their choice.

My father in law died last year. Everyone went. Children of all ages. And he had a glass casket, you could see him through it. They waved good bye. It was beautiful.

My grandson attended his great-grandfather's funeral when he was just under 5 years old...... he had only met him once, and didn't remember him.....

We explained that we were going to the viewing (and saying the Rosary), and that it was his body lying there, and some people might be sad or crying, and that was ok. He didn't have to go up to look at the body in the casket, but he did ask to go. As far as I know, he was fine with it all...... it didn't seem to affect him.

He also went to the funeral the next day, and also the interment....

The best thing to do, if you can, is to allow them to choose whether or not they want to go..... we did that with my kids when my father died (and they knew him well). My oldest (age 9), and 3rd (age 5) both went to the funeral, but the 7 yr old asked to stay in the nursery.... and that was fine with us.

(They were in the house when he had his heart attack (over Christmas holiday), and were actually sitting in the living room, where the paramedics were working on him.)

Unfortunately, death is part of life as others have said. I too struggled when my DD was only about 7 or 8 and my cousin's husband passed away. We did bring her to the wake and she was fine. We did a lot of talking ahead of time and afterwards about what she was going to see, etc. She was never freaked out, but then again, we are Christian and so was the deceased and his wife who gave a beautiful eulogy.

My now 15 year old DD who is the youngest of the grandchildren on both sides has been to probably a dozen wakes/funerals in her short life, but with great grandparents, a grandparent and other family & friends passing away over the years, it's just become part of life for her. We make it a point to visit with family members often (especially the elderly) and so hospitals and nursing homes are also part of our regular life. There's nothing worse than a child growing up afraid of funerals, hospitals and visiting old people. If you make it part of life, it will never freak them out. We also make a point to stress that you do your best to visit the living and enjoy their company while you have them here. We don't like to live with regrets and have a few family members who haven't learned this lesson yet. They don't do well in the same circumstances and my daughter sees this too. Good luck.

I don't think there is too young an age. My family was always very open and honest about death- it's just a natural part of life and it's our duty to support our loved ones in life and death. I haven't ever sheltered my own kids. I think if they are kept away from such services or events, it makes them seem dark and scary.

In raising my children there was never an age that was too young. Even how I was raised I remember going to many funerals of loved ones from family to church family, to family friends. Death is just as much a part of life and it gives one an opportunity to support the family, say our good byes, and comfort each other. Also sometimes kids help lighten the tension and break up the sorrow. At least that is what the little characters in my family have been able to accomplish.

My kids have gone to wakes and funerals since birth. Your 7 year old will be fine. They just go with the flow of things.

You need to do plenty of preparation now, including religious beliefs (heaven, no heaven? body vs. soul?), expected rituals (calling hours vs. any religious service), etiquette (what to say and do), what's expected of the children (stand in receiving line or not, sit on the side with a book or not), and most especially the open casket practices you expect. If your family does open casket, talk very openly about make-up and so on, as the body looks very different form what they saw in their healthy "grandma" or the ill/failing "grandma".

Kids do poorly when not prepared, they do better when they are prepared. I'd go get a book or 2 from the children's library or from an appropriate clergy member to help you explain things and perhaps show illustrations.

I went to all the funerals in my family after the age of 10. I didn't go when my grandfather died (I was 5) or my great-aunt (I was 6). Later on, I had a lot of cousins there and we supported each other. My family has always talked openly about death though so I knew it wasn't a foreign subject.

Decide how you feel about them saying "goodbye" to the body vs. the actual person - and whether you expect them to do anything at the casket or at the gravesite, vs. just be present to show respect in general and hear the words of the eulogy.

Good luck - I am sorry for your impending loss.

When my daughter was five, her aunt was murdered. I took my daughter to the funeral, and just sat near the back so that if she became overwhelmed and needed to leave, we could do so without disturbing anyone.

Last October, a fellow dance mom passed away. I took my daughter, then 10, to support her dance family. She opted to stay in the back room because when we got there we realized it was open casket. Some of the young kids still went up to say their good-byes, so it really depends on the child.

In the spring time, I brought all 3 of my kids (newly 7, newly 9, and almost 11) to the youngest one's Godmother's mom's funeral. We did not stay for the actual funeral because I don't think they would have sat still for the whole thing. While we are very close to my son's Godmother, we didn't know her mom very well. His Godmother was very surprised to see us and so happy that the kids came to support her. She smiled when my kids walked in, even though she was burying her mother too young.

So really, you have to decide. I don't think open casket is appropriate for young kids, but otherwise I think it's fine.

I think you should sit down with your kids and discuss the situation. See what they want to do. They are both old enough if they are prepared. If they don't want to see inside the casket then take them outside when that part starts. I do think I'd rather not have that image in my mind the rest of my life. I don't walk by and see the body, ever. I have no desire to see someone with bad makeup and hair looking fake. It's too much for me.

I'd rather enjoy their life and celebrate them during the service then take my leave to the foyer.

You know your kid. My DD finds funerals boring (age 6) but to this point no funeral or visitation has been for someone very close to her. If either child cannot handle it, be prepared to step out and wait til it is over. Ask them each if they want to be there or just the reception after or do something on their own to remember their "Grandma". I wouldn't force them to be there, nor would I deny them at their ages.

i think most kids should be presented with death issues in simple and honest terms, and that means attending funerals for loved ones. viewings? i can see that being a question. i still rarely attend viewings. but a funeral is something most kids can understand, and the ritual and closure is good for them.
khairete
S.

My kids were six and four at their first funeral for their great-grandfather. We had hired a sitter the the younger ones during the actual service (mostly 4 or younger). I know my daughter could have sat through it, but we didn't want her to be a distraction to the other mourners.
Having children at a service IMO is a reminder of the circle of life and it will continue on. My one suggestion though is to keep your kids next to you instead of allowing them to sit with other family members. My son absorbs emotions and we had to take him away from my now ex-MIL as she was so distraught and he was responding to her grief.
Never say anything about "sleeping" as that can create fear of going to sleep and dying. Some children have no fear of death.

We took out kids who were age 5 & 8 to their uncle's wake. They were not close with him (he and my sister had divorced but they knew him and wanted to pay respects to their "big" cousins who they loved).

I prepared them and told them how to handle themselves. I told them his body would be there, dressed and in a casket (I described the casket, the room at the funeral home, etc) I also explained how "he" wasn't really there anymore - it was like the person moved out of the house but the empty house was still there. I told them waht to say to their cousins, we play-acted the exchange so they were completely comfortable. And I asked them if they had any questions. As we drove there we talked about it. We're Christians so we talked about heaven and God. And I told them when we're at the funeral home if they have any questions, or didn't know what to do they should pull me aside and ask me. It worked out well. And only a few years later their beloved grandfather died and they know how to handle it and what to expect. Unfortunately, death is a part of life and children need to understand it and deal well with it.

(Many years ago I attended my ex-husband's grandmother's funeral - she was in her mid-90's when she passed away. The great grandchildren were held up over the casket and encouraged to "kiss grandma good-bye". I was horrified. At this same funeral a number of the adult grandchildren were wailing and crying loudly - sobbing over the passing of this 90+ year old lady. That was NOT a good experience for young children!!!)

I took my nine and six year olds to their great uncle's funeral. They knew him from summer visits and a nice man who fed them too much chocolate ice cream and let them watch tv with him. He was 92 and had many health issues.

I just prepared them for everything they would see.

It was easier for us because they only had a graveside service with a closed casket. So we didn't do the whole visitation and view the body.

My nine year old had a hard time with it as he really enjoyed our summer visits and remembered him. But it was good for them to go and be with family and go tot he luncheon afterwards and hear great stories about him.

I have also taken my kids to a couple of funerals, friends of my parents who died or lost a parent of their own. Once again I explained everything and it gave them a chance to see how the whole process worked without the emotional attachment of losing a loved one. We sat in the back.

To me death is a part of life and if we expose our children to what they can handle a bit at a time they will know what to do later in life.

Talk to your seven year old and ask him/her what parts they feel comfortable attending.

I know you said you would let the kids decide, but I don't think that a 7 year old can make a decision that he or she can possibly understand.

Children this age don't say final goodbyes by going to funerals. They just don't. They do NOT think like adults do, so what you are saying here is a projection of what you are thinking about for YOU, and not what really applies to them. What you can do to help with final goodbyes is by pulling out pictures and talking about the deceased family member after the funeral is over.

The issue is not so much for during and after the funeral for "handling" things. The issue is how the child internalizes seeing her family member dead. If this were a memorial service, it would be very different. But it's not. You cannot control or know what a child this age will take away from this.

Instead of putting her in the funeral service, take her to see this loved one several times before she passes away. Talk with her after each visit about how sick she is. Talk about the death of pets to prepare her. You don't have to tell her point blank that this important person in her life is going to die. But you can tell her that sometimes when very sick people can't get well, they go to heaven to be with God (unless you aren't religious.)

We took my daughter who is now 7 to her grandpa's funeral 2 years ago. She was sad, but we let her know that was ok, and we were sad too. We still talk about him and how much we miss him.

I think it was harder on me than her to realize he was gone, because there was no body at his funeral and I've never been to a funeral where the deceased was cremated before hand.

I remember going to see my Grandpa laid out when I was 5. It was the only chance to say goodbye to him. My brother was 3 at the time and he still remembers it as well. But, we were very close to him. I was fortunate that when my grandma passed, I was 19 and so I got to part of the preparation for her burial. We decided not to have a funeral home do it, and it was very nice and respectful.

I think that as long as kids are able to be quiet and respectful when appropriate then they should go and be exposed. I have met teens and young adults who are terrified of funerals because they have never been to one, but it is nice to have already been there and done that for someone who was vaguely known so that you know what to do, but don't have a lot of emotions. But, it is especially important when the person passed is a loved one.

I am so sorry for you impending loss. Love her while you can!

My son attended his first funeral when he was two. I don't think he understood it, but he was a comfort to some of the grieving adults. He attended my dad's funeral when he had just turned 7. It never would have occurred to me that he would not be there. He visited my dad in the hospital before he died and attended the shiva as well. He was fine. Death is part of life. Funerals are really about the living and a seven year old is certainly old enough to understand this.

I would NOT consider a funeral something I would let my son decide whether to attend or not. Funerals are not optional. I am horrified by the number of adults who don't attend a funeral because 'they don't like them' or 'dead people make me uncomfortable'. Really? Funerals are for the family - the living family. And they need the support of family and friends.

Visitation and open caskets? I went to my first one when I was probably 35 and found it rather creepy. Thankfully this is not the tradition in my religion. Had my son asked to see his grandfather at the funeral, yes, I would have helped him. But I would not require him to look at an embalmed made up body in an open casket.

7 is not at all too young. You take them when they are old enough to sit quietly and respectfully. Mine can do this okay around age 4. But for sure by 5. I was taken to many family funerals around this age and I think that its a good learning opportunity. No I don't think they will be overly emotional about death. Death is not something they should be sheltered from. Its part of our condition.

Absolutely bring your children to the funeral. They should have the opportunity to say goodbye.

I would have discussions with them about death, answer their questions truthfully, and ensure they are aware of Gran's failing health. Every living thing dies. http://www.freitagfuneralhome.com/publications/talking-wi...