Husband Making Christmas Hell......

Wow.... He is certainly stewing on something bigger than a Christmas gift. You guys need to sit down and have a very serious, long talk about this. His threat really crosses a line and it's not a good one. Perhapse therapy or something. I wish you luck. This is not an easy one.

Is your husband 5 years old, because he sure is acting like it! Buy your son the nintendo and wrap up a box for your husband that has a note inside saying..."bye!". He's threatening you and is acting like a controlling baby. I don't condone divorce, but I don't think men should act this way and he is making his own path here! Good luck to you, it sounds like you really need it!!

I think I'd have his bag packed and waiting by the door FOR him this time. What an idiot. I'm sorry, he's your husband but he has the mind of a 3 year old. How about looking at it from this angle: the kids might be better off if he leaves and doesn't come back this time. Maybe then you'd have a ray of sun and a shred of happiness in your life?

Tell him not to let the door hit him in the A$$ when he leaves..

You and your children do not deserve this in your lives. You all deserve to be loved, and put before your husband.. He must have a mental problem. He sounds really messed up.

You will be so much better off without him. You may not have many things, but you will be happy. He sounds like my father back in the day.. I was practically dancing a jig when my mom finally told him to move out and not to expect to ever live with us again.

your husband is a big baby. If getting your kid the only thing he wants for Christmas is his dealbreaker.....you're better off without this emotionally blackmailing a-hole.

Holy SH!T -what a bastard! Sorry -there's just no more eloquent way to say it. Do yourself and your kids a favor -call a divorce lawyer and give yourselves the glory of a life without this abusive loser! He is an emotional abuser, not to mention a selfish, immature a-hole. I'm unsure why you didn't file for divorce after his little Christmas vacation 4 years ago, but now is the time to do it.

This man actually said his 7 year old son "didn't need anything for Christmas" but he pouts and leaves if he doesn't get something he wants? Why are you with him? You know that thing he said to you about leaving again? Why don't you say, "Bye, bye!" Perhaps you should bring a Ds home tomorrow evening and wish your son an early Merry Christmas to get "dad" -and I use that term VERY loosely -packing as soon as possible. Hey -I think Walmart is open right now! Trust me -you'll all be MUCH MUCH happier this Christmas and for the rest of your lives without this miserable worm around.

*** And listen closely to the messages here from women who grew up in homes with bad fathers! Listen to how happy they were when their parents divorced or how much they wished there parents HAD divorced! My own mother told me the happiest year of her childhood was the year her father disappeared. The saddest year was when he came back.

Wow, read the whole thing and have to say your hubby is extremely childish and immature! I would get your child the gift anyways and if your hubby leaves, get the locks changed. He will need to explain to you why he continues to run away from his problems instead of facing them! Don't allow him back until YOU are satisfied with his answers and feel like you two can communicate. At this point, unless he gets his way, its not ok to disagree and you don't have any say. Thats wrong. Don't let him get away with it again. I don't understand how you could go on this long without getting an explaination or talking out this problem--thats a long time to be lingering around-unresolved. Good luck to you. Whatever your hubby decides, doesn't have anything to to with you--- You can make this christmas a great one for your kids with or without hubby.

Molly

oh my Trixie, my heart breaks for you and your children. You guys never resolved what happened 4 years ago? Why? If I'm understanding your story correctly, you're hubby is ok buying himself Christmas presents, but thinks that his children don't need anything? Seems very selfish and not much like a father. If it was me, I would hand him his bags packed and point him towards the door on this one and ask him is this is an issue worth leaving your family over? I don't handle threats very well and would refuse to have someone bully me. Is he a good father other than this? This is just such a weird thing to freak out about that there has to be something more to it. Look at your position on this and make sure you're being reasonable and looking out for the best interest of your children before deciding your next step. Is he worth all this drama? At a minimum I would insist on counseling.

The best Christmas gift you could give your family is a packed suitcase for your husband. He is emotionally abusive to you and the children.

Good luck.

Soooo, your husband would rather spend more money on a hotel room to pout in than get your son a Christmas gift?

Tell him if he's going to leave, do it now so he doesn't ruin Christmas for the kids again.

No matter what the "backstory" is and no matter your relationship, he is a grown man and doesn't need to act like a 4 year old.

I don't mean to play devil's advocate, because the things your husband is doing are undeniably emotionally harmful, but it sounds to me like there's more to this story. Why exactly are you guys not buying gifts for eachother anymore (I'm assuming you did in the past, or he wouldn't be expecting one)? Even in really lean years, my husband and I set a limit and find something small for eachother. It sounds like you've lost touch with one another, that the kids are the obvious priority, and the Christmas gifts are the focus of his jealousy toward your children. They may be a symbol to him of the romance & friendship that he misses feeling with you. Of course the children should always come first, but Daddy has feelings too. I was horrified by this story of a Daddy that runs out on his kids at Christmas and begrudges his child a single gift, but I also got a pang in my heart when you said he had no gift. For some people, gift giving and receiving is how they express their love, and he is obviously hurting. My main question is- is this Christmas thing an abberration? Is he generally a loving and supportive husband and spouse? Is your marriage worth fighting for? If he is unpleasant year round and this is a typical attitude he holds toward you and your children, you are much better off without him. I agree with everyone else that you should kick him out BEFORE Christmas. However, if this is the only subject he gets crazy about, you should probably go to counseling and figure out what you two can BOTH do to fix your relationship.

Your husband is using emotional blackmail to manipulate you and your little people. That is incredibly selfish and sick. I am not really pro counseling but in this case either get some help or be prepared for him to depart for a couple of days. What the heck, give him the key and tell him to leave so you guys have a nice Christmas. Won't that surprise him? In fact, why not find a motel and see if they have a room opening. Nows your turn for a little power play. Tell him you found a nice hotel room and you will not accept his games and if he doesn't go along with trying to make Christmas nice for you and your kids then here's the key. By the way I can see you are no way ready to divorce. And then if he threatens to leave you forever, perhaps a thank you very much is in order. How dare he do that to all you!!

Buy the game and get your husband's suitcase ready and send him out. He can come back if and when he agrees to talk to you and go to counseling, and when he can lose the horrible attitude that your innocent child should pay the price for his idiocy. No, kids don't "need" Christmas gifts, and I don't know if he should have a DS or not, but your husband is taking all giving away from your son for infantile reasons. This man needs help and is toxic to you, your son, and your home.

Don't take my advice too seriously, because the following is what I actually HAVE done, not advice on what TO do:

... but I would personally have packed a bag for my husband and told him to leave. You wanna threaten not only leaving but leaving in a heartbreaking and dramatic way designed to hurt our kids AND threaten and manipulate ME...and you can get the heck out right NOW. Goodbye. I'm not f'n kidding. You don't threaten me. And you sure as hail don't threaten my children. Get OUT.

With my husband... throwing him out has been the only thing that has actually brought a halt to a series of absolutely unacceptable behaviors. I very nearly have not allowed him back more than once (I've sent him packing 6 times in the past 4 years.). Which, come to think of it is pretty ironic... since in most cyclically abusive relationships (great for awhile, terrible for awhile, great for awhile, terrible, great, terrible)... the statistic is one has to leave the abuser 7 times. Technically I do it in reverse ... but it's MY SON'S HOME, and I'm not leaving and taking him and the dog and myself elsewhere. Instead my H can take his controlling, manipulative, cruel, mean-spirited self elsewhere until he can learn to be a human being again, or stay away if he chooses not to pull his head out of his bum. I don't care where. Sleep in his car, at a friends, what have you. Sleep with someone else and the divorce lawyer gets a phone call.

Like I said.. this is just what I HAVE done, not what I'm recommending anyone else does.

My husband is a basically good guy (a LOT better since he finally got into therapy... took not letting him come home until he actually started seeing someone, and a condition of staying home was continuing to see them), but his knee jerk reaction is to BE a jerk whenever he gets stressed and to take it out on those he views as "littler" than him (aka us). And that just doesn't fly with me. Nope, nada, hun-uh, no how, period. If you're going to be a jerk you can do it somewhere else.

Ok so the BRAT got away with leaving the first time for days. This time I say let him go. You should not let anyone control what you do. I mean really all this over a DS. I would shut off all his cards again (good move by the way) and his debit. Then when his mommy tells him to go home again. He can go to her house! If your not happy and the kids are not happy because of him, its him.......he needs to get his panties out a twist and grow up!

Wow! Fascinating. I was going to say that from the backstory it sounds like he didn't have very much say in the family and that you've overruled most of his decisions, that perhaps from his perspective there wasn't much concensus, and maybe that still is the case. However, it's not cool that he's using emotional blackmail to get his way. But maybe that's the only way he thinks he can win or be heard.

Have you looked carefully at how you run the family? Are you being controlling and not allowing him to have a say in this area? Maybe there's some bigger issue too. Like maybe he grew up deprived and never got gifts as a child. Do you splurge on him as you do on the kids? Why doesn't he think your son should have a DSi? Does his argument have merit (poor grades, bad behavior) or is he saying no just to say no? Can you compromise and maybe get it for his birthday instead if the argument has reason? When my son was young he wanted a PS2 and I couldn't afford it and I told him if he wanted it he had to get it for himself. He saved his allowance and did odd jobs til he could afford it. Maybe your hubby wants him to work for it.

Could be many things but it sounds like you need a long conversation.

"Sweetheart, you ruin Christmas for us every year. This year, I'm going to buy our son the ONLY thing he wants. I know that will make you upset and start acting like a spoiled brat, so for the harmony of our family, would you please pack your bags and leave for 4 days. That way the kids and I can enjoy our Christmas without walking on eggshells around you. We'll see you back here on the 31st...unless you want to ruin New Years Eve, too. If that's the case, take a whole week. I'm sure your mother would love to have you at her place. Love you, bye!"

Holy cow....

I think the best response is to tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out...

Maybe you can't do that for other reasons, but it's time to get help.

First of all, I would like to say how incredibly sorry I am for the situation your husband has created.

I feel as if your husband is basically making you choose between him and his selfishness and your 7 year old.

I think it is very natural for a mother to love their children more than their spouse which is why if it were me I would tell him don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya lol

I was shocked by your husbands behavior.. i mean.. lets say for a moment.. you chose the game for your son and you ended in a divorce.. what is your husband going to tell the court? oh i left because i didn't want my 7 year old to have a video game for christmas.. how ridiculous..

i know that you are probably worried about his christmas memories, but would you rather him remember his father treating him this way.. or his mother allowing it? i don't mean to be harsh.. i just know if it were me.. i wouldn't question it.. especially since this isn't the first time he has acted this way.

I think this also shows that he basically thinks that he can get away with anything he wants to because you don't want him to leave which also comes off as if his love for you has become less sincere and I personally feel that you and your son deserve so much more than to be treated that way.

oh my goodness - I would not be able to buy that game fast enough. I don't say this with any animosity or judgement. Please get a spine and stand up for yourself and your children. I say that with a hug. Please get counseling or your children will grow up to be the same way. Please protect them and let your husband go. He is a horrible father and husband. Life is too short to put up with that from anyone. Think about it - the day your mother had you; do you think she looked at her new baby girl and wanted this for her?

I feel for you, wow..
I think these are huge flags for counseling. He is not handling his emotions
in an adult way, and destroying the peace of the holiday...
obviously, he has underlying issues that need to be dealt with...asap.
If you can, TRY and get in with a family counselor to help navigate
you through stress..Many will take emergency appointments.

I am sorry you have to go through this! :(

Wow...no one deserves to be treated in that manner...PERIOD. Why would you ever put yourself though being with someone who doesn't respect you or your marriage? If it is that easy for him to walk out and leave your family over something so stupid...what will happen when something big happens, and you need him? If you are going to wake up each morning wondering if he is going to walk...I wouldn't waste another morning with him.

Life is seriously too short for playing games like this. I hope you realize you are worth more than that. You either work through this attitude he has and fix it...or get out.

You would be amazed at how much better life can be when you are in a relationship with someone who is mature, secure, and loving...and there is always someone out there that will give you those things if he won't. Good luck.

If I were in your position I would say...We either need to learn how to work through our differences in opinion, or the next time you walk out...don't plan on coming back. Then stick your ground. How horrible to manipulate your spouse through your kids holidays and happiness... that is beyond SICK!

Hi Trixie,
Wow, does your post bring back memories. I mean, of my childhood. My father was and is still very similar to your husband. I don't know the whole story but all I have to say is that when my sisters and I were growing up my dad managed to ruin every single holiday, birthday, etc. The only good memories I have are because of my mom who sounds a lot like you. I am 35 years old now, married to a great guy and have one son. I thank God every day that I did not marry a man like my father. I don't want to make you feel bad AT ALL because maybe the whole situation is not as bad as I think. At least I hope so. My dad would fight with my mother in front of my sisters and I and my mom would cry and be upset but when we would look at her she would fake-smile to us. I remember feeling so badly for my mom as a little kid and we ALL always walked on egg shells around my dad on a holiday or birthday because we NEVER knew what kind of psycho mood he would be in on that day. He is STILL THIS WAY!! My poor mother has to live with this man all by herself. My sisters and I aren't there to support her because we are all grown up and moved out. Your children will remember their dad as acting like a jerk on the holidays and they will always feel bad for you. I don't hate my dad now but I do hate the memories I have of him. My mother is also too old fashioned to ever leave him. Some days I wish she would. I don't think my post to you helps and I'm sorry about that but it just struck a nerve with me when I read it. I am not saying to leave your husband because that just might be worse for the kids in the long run. You need counseling whether you go alone or with him. My mom went to see a counselor recently and it was of NO HELP because the woman she saw was not trained in situations like this. I gave my mother the phone number to our local domestic violence agency and told her to call them and speak to a counselor. Its free, too, and these people are trained to deal with women who have husbands who are difficult to deal with. I'm not saying your situation is considered a domestic violence situation but maybe you should hear them out and then decide from there. My mother's situation is a domestic violence situation because my father still (till today) hits her. Can you believe a 59 year old man is smacking around a 56 year old woman??? Yes, this is happening in my parent's house.
Good luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers. :)

wow. get the DS. and stop putting up with his behavior. he's ruining everything for everyone, and where did he get the money for hotel but was putting a fight over christmas gifts for kids.

I think your husband is stewing about something deeper than Christmas presents yet he isn't communicating his concerns in a mature manner. Are his concerns about financial security for the family? Maybe he wants a more active role in the decision making process but doesn't know how to properly step up? Does he *like* being a dad? Maybe he feels stuck and lashes out by escaping to get a respite. Immature certainly! I don't know what the reason is, but to me, it sounds like a lack of partnership and cooperation. Try to engage him in a discussion on a deeper level to get at the core of the matter.

Good luck!

I cannot imagine a man that walks out on his kids on Christmas day. I cannot imagine anything you could have done - build the toy on Christmas Eve, spend too much, not get him a gift, have an affair - nothing can I even imagine is a reasonable excuse for a father to walk out on his kids on Christmas and disappear for 4 days. And if he had an extreme mental lapse 4 years ago and was otherwise a good guy, I could see forgiving him but he never apologized, never explained and is now threatening to do it again? Wholly unacceptable.

As far as the DS, I don't in every circumstance think that a child has to get what they ask for. Sometimes the money isn't there. Sometimes the child is asking for something you don't think they are ready to have - like a cellphone. You can set expectations with your kids to help avoid disappointment. You can say "Santa (if he still believes in Santa) will never bring something that he knows your parents aren't ready for you to have. This is one of the things that Santa tracks. And we don't think you're old enough for a DS so I doubt very much Santa will bring it. What else would you like?" If your husband is objecting because of age or money, than you do have to back each other up - although I would still push my position that it's ok for him to have it and I would try to find some documentation on the internet of average ages for the DS to back up my position. If he's seriously saying get him NOTHING - that's not an option and I would tell your husband that's not an option so grow up and work on a reasonable solution with me.

And Christmas aside, if you want to stay married to this guy, get some counseling. We all make compromises in marriage and child rearing issues and try to present a unified front with the kids. This takes 2 adults working together, hearing each other out, being willing to compromise and being willing to accept things that are high on each other's value list. His behavior, as described is bullying.

Take a good look at you life and answer one question, is he always this emotionally abusive?

I know sometimes people who are abused emotionally for a long time actually get used to it and think it is normal. One huge issue for me is that your kids are learning from his behavior and will repeat it with their children.

The big thing here is you gotta really think and decide if he is abusive to you. Have you tried confiding in a good friend or your mother? Maybe they can help you with perspective. A counselor is also a good choice. In the end the decision is yours so make the one that is right for you and your family.

That said, if he leaves change the locks. I wouldn't let him back in either, but that is you decision.

Wishing you and you kids a very Happy Christmas.

Your husband packed up on Christmas morning and left for 4 days, and you still don't know why???? 4 years and you have this hanging over your marriage? This is bizarre to me, any other points in your post seem beside the point. Counseling?

Trixie:

Your husband does not love nor respect you or your children.

you need to ask yourself - am I better off with our without him?

If the answer is with - then this is the rest of your life. walking on egg shells at Christmas or any other time your husband doesn't get his way.

If the answer is without - broom him NOW! Tell him to pack his bags and leave. DO NOT COME BACK. DO NOT PASS GO! LEAVE! NOW!!!

Christmas is a special holiday - we are supposed to be celebrating the birth of Christ. It is a time for rejoicing and family time.

A DSi is NOT an unacceptable gift IF you can afford it. If you have to put it on a credit card and pay it off in monthly installments - it's not affordable.

$100 per child is GREAT!!! Teaching children the value of the dollar AND being able to celebrate Christmas is a GREAT thing!

Bottom line - your husband sounds like a snot-nosed brat. If you can't get counseling to learn how to EFFECTIVELY communicate with each other - NOTHING will ever change. Divorce or no divorce - communication is key. His pouting and running off to bed is NOT an effective or acceptable means of communication.

When an ADULT sulks off in a conversation - this is just immaturity. I will state that if my husband and I are arguing (which doesn't happen often) and things get heated - one of us will state "I need to walk away before I say something I regret." As the things you say in anger can NEVER be taken back. No matter how many times you say "I'm sorry".

Bottom line - ask yourself if you are better off with or without him. Make the decision and stick with it. The kids will be better off with a parent who respects them and loves them.

wow-sounds like hubby is a bit of a spoiled control freak huh??..im actually impressed that you let him back in the door after he split like that...me..id been sent some ground rules-tell him if wants to leave...go and dont let the door hit you in the butt on the way out...sounds like your doing alot of butt kissing just to keep him around...shame on him for this whole stupid mess.you can have great memories without his childish tantrums..youve got 3 kids on your hands-i would get your son the only gift he asked for.

Clearly there's something wrong with your husband's thinking.
I'm surprised he's able to maintain regular employment.
And, apparently, makes a decent living.
So . . . it's hard for me to imagine what your marriage has been like.
In any event, he has given you an ultimatum which is terribly unfair
to your child. Depending on your child's level of maturity and understanding, one thing you might consider doing is get him the toy he wants but don't give it him for Xmas. Put it aside and give it to him another time. Let him know what you're doing.
Another thing you might want to consider is insisting
that your husband join you in some kind of communications training
or couples therapy.
I cannot imagine how the two of you communicate.

If I read your post correctly, it appears all is well
EXCEPT for this Xmas event. ?????????

Have you ever discussed any of this with your MIL?
Do you know anything about what your husband was like as a child?
In particular, if he's got some "unfinished business" regarding
Xmas and gifts?
===================================
I haven't changed what I wrote previously.
But, now that I have read the other answers so far,
I have some new perspective.

I wonder if the two of you don't communicate at all.
Ever.

I wonder if your approach to gifts and Xmas
is completely different from his but the two of you
have never discussed your differing assumptions.

I wonder if your day-to-day existence is on something like
auto-pilot and the two of you each "do your thing"
but never discuss plans, opportunities, events.
???
I wonder if there are different attitudes about bringing up the children.

Please let us know what happens.

short & sweet: is this the life you want for your children?

OMG I cant believe you took him back after that first Christmas! Is he a great big baby at other times of the year? Or does he have huge issues with Christmas that your dont know about or havent shared here? Your kids should not have to think this is normal behavior. They should not be raised around him if he is immature at other times. You are not doing your kids a favor showing them this is acceptable behavior. Maybe they are better off without him????

Is it possible that your husband has some other issues/concerns or secrets that he is dealing with? Maybe he is looking for a reason to get angry at the family and cut out? Going to a hotel and not talking to anyone about his anger seems odd.

Your son will have to realize that his Dad likes to get his way. That doesn't magically change because it is a holiday. Maybe given the opportunity, your husband will figure out a great gift and a give decent explanation to your son as to why he did not get a DS. Maybe not.

Is there a good reason not to get a DS? I don't know, but obviously your husband thinks so. Maybe your son is too young for one.

Can you prepare now to help your son enjoy the holiday even without a DS? Maybe find out what his favorite DS game is and then plan something revolving around that?

I doubt if this is the only time of the year that your hubby is abusive and controlling. He needs counseling, so do you, to find out why he acts like this and you put up with it.

http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%2...

http://cl-rikimiki-ivil.tripod.com/id14.html

Check out these two links, I am sure you will see his behavior for what it really is. If he won't go to counseling ask him to leave. You and the kids are better off without him. But do not put up with his behavior for one fore second.

Pack his bags for him!!!

first of all, there was no consequences for him when he left. nothing happened. so not only is his behavior allowed, it is almost like now he can hold that over your head for the rest of your lives. any man who truly loved his family, and wanted to be with them, wouldnt DARE treat his wife this way. you need to start implimenting some consequences. if he doesnt shape up, kick him out. check out mark gungor's radio show. he has a way about saying things that will help you to be able to deal with this more appropriatly.

i dont understand your husband's behavior at all. it sounds like he has some kind of depression or anxiety or something. how is the relationship between the two of you? pardon the bluntness, but how often are you having sex, VS how often are you turning him down (if hes asking). you have to remember that the primary way for him to bond with you is sex. its not selfish, its not sick, its not perverted, its just the way men are created to bond to their wives. if hes not getting it from you, is he getting it elsewhere? men who are denied have an easy time finding it somewhere else. not excusing cheating, but cheating is always only the tip of the iceberg. theres always a REASON a man finds it somewhere else.

anyway, in a healthy relationship, a man who is sexually fulfilled feels more inclined to be romantic and loving toward his wife. its a circle; you make love to your husband (which is supposed to be enjoyable by both of you!) and he feels sweet toward you, and when he acts sweet toward you, you feel like making love to him. its supposed to work this way. its the way we are created.

one more final note: your 7 year old does NOT need a DS; EVEN IF its the only thing he asked for. video games are already controlling the lives of many many men; and you said yourself, you have a WII; what does your son need a DS for? hes 7!! seriously? get the kid a book. or one of those leapfrog TAG things. get him something that is USEFUL for a kid his age. 7 - thats 2nd grade for petes sake. besides that, a DS is a pretty expensive gift to get lost, broken or stolen. the games are 20-30$ a piece. and it cuts him off from actually relating to others.
remember this when you fall into the thinking that your son needs a DS. how many women out there are in relationships/marriages where the man isnt even working to support his family because hes so addicted to video games that he doesnt stop playing day or night. its a big problem. its a HUGE addiction. i dont think we need to encourage and start this kind of addiction at 7. 12? 13? its a possibility (with STRICT timelines and limits). but 7? the kid should be concentrating a lot more on reading, learning, growing... and just being a kid. get him outside playing. read with him. play a board game. ive realized, even in my own parenting, if kids are so bored in life that they think they need a video game; its time to start putting our selfish needs aside and start focusing on things to do with our kids. it doesnt matter if its 52 card pickup; DO something with him. he wont miss the DS if he actually has someone spending time doing something HE wants to do. i make this mistake all the time; and my son acts up and starts being a troublemaker; and i realize, you know, maybe i need to shut down the computer once in a while and wrestle with him on the floor or play chutes and ladders.
if you want to get your kids gifts this Christmas, institute family time. you already have the DS; get a game the whole family can enjoy. get board games. spend the night coloring. make lists: movies you want to see, places you want to go, volunteering that you can do as a family.

good luck. i think you and your husband both need some counseling. think about what i said and start putting other obligations behind the needs of your family. try to figure out what your husband is having an issue with (for my husband a good time to talk serious is when hes driving - its non confrontational, and the conversation just flows better when hes doing something like that)...
and remember YOUR attitude going into the conversation will determine where it leads. if you can at all be kind, loving, concerned instead of hurt and angry, you will get a lot farther. and using "I" statements instead of "you" statements will go a long ways too.
good luck

I think that that is absolutely ridiculous. He sounds very controlling. I would tell him, that if he wants to leave fine, but do it before Christmas then so that everyone else can have a great, poutfree holiday. I would also, if me, just tell him to stay gone. That sucks, but it doesn't sound from your post that he is trying to change and you've already been with him for 11 years so only you, really, know if things are getting better or worse. Good luck and I hope that you are able to figure all of this out but don't stay with him just for the sake of your kids if you are miserable. It won't solve anything and won't give your kids a good example of a marriage if Daddy just picks up and leaves whenever he doesn't get his way. Take care!

Sounds like your marriage has a deficit of communication.

You say your husband was happy last year. Do you know he was happy? Is it possible he was just smiling through gritted teeth? Was he relaxed when you "made" him go shopping with you? Were you in agreement about your spending limits? Is money an issue in other ways? Does your husband have the opinion that you spoil the kids, materially or otherwise? Do the two of you have different beliefs about whether to get a child a toy just because it's on his list? Do you have "joint" gifts on which you agree to agree, and then perhaps others that you choose individually? Does he feel cornered or maneuvered into making you or the kids happy? Does your husband have happy memories of his own childhood holidays?

So many questions – and many others I haven't thought of, but might, if you were to write more. There may be no shortcut way to rescue this Christmas, but more open-hearted communication may help. There's a technique called Non-Violent Communication that you can look up online. It offers a clear, compassionate and respectful 4-step process to opening up topics so you can actually work on them.

There may be many viable reasons to not purchace this gift for your son. However, the immaturity that your husband is displaying is insane. He sounds like a selfish brat that never grew up. I would sit down and have a serious conversation with him about what made him leave the first time and why he is unable to use his words like a big boy!!! He clearly has some underlying issues if christmas gifts make him abandon his family. Now is the time to address those underlying issues or leave. If he is unwilling to engage in conversation about this I would reconsider if this is the man you want to be a role model for your children for the rest of thier lives.

He left the first time because he didn't have a gift. He is threatening to leave this time because it worked on his getting everything he wanted for a couple years and this is a control issue. It sounds as if you both are controlling personalities with his bad behavior, your's by shutting off the credit cards and underminding him over the toy when your son was younger. You have to get some serious counciling to get this to work out because he won't change unless he wants too. I agree with the others, if he walks out again, let him, don't go after him, don't let him back in until there is some changes and marriage counciling.

As far as the DS goes, talk to your son and tell him that you can not afford it this year but with his doing chores and extra jobs you will pay him to save up for it. Have him pick something else for his list but make sure he knows there is a DS in his reach. If daddy leaves because he got it for Christmas he and his sister may always blame him and he wouldn't enjoy the game with such a memory behind it.

WOW....your husband is acting like a spoiled rotten child who stomps his feet if he doesn't get his way...my 2 yr old has better behavior than that! Your son has wanted a DS for 2 yrs....buy it. My 7 yr old has one and my nearly 5 yr old will be getting one for Christmas this year too. Don't get any input from your husband...just go buy it and see his little face light up on Christmas.:)

As for your husband...if that was my situation, he wouldn't be the one storming out on his own I'd KICK him out and not let him back. He's behaving like a brat who only wants gifts for him and could obviously care less about his own kids. Can't believe you've put up w/ this and even let him come back the first time. Wow. Good luck and be strong!!!

Oh...and make sure and keep the Wii and all the games for yourself!!!

DUMP his pathetic, weiner skinny, whining butt! What a jackass.

Seriously, if I did that kind of bulls**t to my husband and family -- leaving for four days -- I wouldn't blame him for telling me not to come back.

E.

Your husband sounds like a big overgrown baby! He has some nerve to threaten you with his past behavior - he is forcing you to choose between him and your children. How sad. Is he like this the rest of the year, or is there just something about Christmas that makes him crazy? Regardless of how he as an individual and an adult feels about the holiday, he cannot be allowed to spoil it for your kids. He is making you an emotional hostage to his irrational behavior and you are clearly suffering because of it. What kind of role model is this for your children? Someone who leaves their family on Christmas, and doesn't think his child deserves the only thing on his wish list, and threatens to abandon his family again, is not someone I personally could live with. I would take my kids and get the hell out of there if I were you. Seriously. Think about it. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? I hope not - you deserve better than this kind of person as a spouse and father for your children. I am sorry you have to go through this.
p.s. please get the DS for your son!

get your son the dsi, but before christmas you should cancel your credit cards and the checking account too just to make sure he doen't expend the money in hotel rooms.. Remember that your kids will be happy in a happy enviroment, not on looking dad get lock in his room.....if this happends in christmas I don't want to think on what he does to you (and the kids)the entire year ..You say you want the best memories for your kids.....you are not helping with that trash bag on your room.

I have 2 answers. First of all, your son doesn't need a DS. We got our son a DS a few years ago and it was a horrible mistake and we've now decided to never buy another hand held for our kids. Our daughter wants one, she is eight and we've told her "no way". The problem is we saw our son get together with his friends and they wouldn't talk to each or anything. One night during a sleep over they all sat quietly in his room playing DS.
Also, after he plays too much DS or any other gaming he gets really moody when it's taken away. We've noticed this with our 15 yr old also.
One time we were at a hotel and took our kids swimming. Our son with the DS and his cousin with his DS sat by the pool with dry swim trunks on playing their DS's. I thought it was ridiculous! Normally, they love to swim in a hotel pool.

secondly, your husband has some serious anger issues. You need some marriage counseling and he needs some anger counseling. He sounds like a bully to me and that you're alway walking on egg shells around him. I feel sad for your children that they have to grow up in a home like this.

Please give us an update. I'm not sure about the rest of the moms on here, but I've been wondering about you guys...

I say get your son the Dsi, regardless of what your husband says. You and your kids DESERVE to be happy. :)

If my fiance said the same thing your husband said to me I would flat out tell him 'If you leave don't bother coming back.' Life is way too short to be playing games like this. His kids come first, if he doesn't see it that way then there is something wrong.

I have no idea how to help you.

There are too many variables about this. What exactly is his problem with Christmas. Do you have any ideas? Is he or was he a JW? I know they do not celebrate Christmas in a gift way.

Otherwise you need to ask him what his deal is? Why does he not want to spend money on your children? Why would making your children happy with a pittance of 120 dollars make him leave? Why is he threatening you and thinking this is acceptable?

If he really is leaving over this and is this absurd I wouldn't put up with this. This is one of the weirdest most crazy things I've heard of in a long time. Between throwing a fit and stomping out a few Christmas's ago over gifts, then now threatening you. Like I said I haven't heard anything in a long time this bizarre and I read these every day. I think you need to get down to the bottom of this. Even if it requires a therapist. For that matter I'd definitely call a therapist for him. But this isn't normal for sure. Is this his usual personality or is this just a problem at Christmas? Does he have a past that is negative that is to do with Christmas? There are so many questions you need to get answered here. This just isn't normal behavior.

I'd understand if he was previously a JW but stopped practicing when he married you and still didn't find this practice ok or something he wanted to partake in.

My husband has put me through hell in the past... as I'm sure most husbands have so I'm not going to say I wouldn't take him back. Well because I wasn't in your shoes. I can't say that. But I can say yes this isn't normal and he needs either a blunt conversation or just a plain old therapist if he can't talk to you about it to get over himself or this situation.

Something totally off topic but my 2nd grade 8 year old his Christmas list was a DS and only a DS. he he

Sometimes when people are in relationships with others who are mentally unwell, something happens to the sane one called 'crazy-making'...please google it, you'll be happy you did:)

I agree with many of the other mama's in assessing your husband as unwell. You can either be unwell with him, in which case so will your children. OR you can draw from that which makes you sane, explore the part of you that gives in to his unwell expectations, and decided enough is enough. This doesn't mean you leave him necessarily. It just means setting boundaries with him and protecting your children by cutting him off at the pass.

I like the idea of getting the gift, reserving a hotel room, and letting him know what his choices are. You don't have to be angry or mean and can even smile and express your boundary with kindness. Either way, he is holding you and your children hostage for his unwell and selfish tendencies and trust me on this, you children may not forgive him as they age and they may not forgive YOU for allowing this to go on.

Counseling for him? Sure, why not try. Counseling for you? Please look into it:) You sound like an incredibly kind and nurturing person who believes if you say and do the right things you can 'help' him. You may have convinced yourself that you have alresdy helped him and to some degree you might be right. But in the process, forgive me if I cross any lines here, I think you have neglected and maybe even harmed yourself.

Your children need one parent who is grounded, sticks up for them, and demonstrates healthy boundaries and healthy giving/receiving acts of kindness. Please do your kids and yourself a favor and explore alone or with a professional why your husband is allowed to be abusive (yup, this is abusive behavior).

Like I said, you sound like such a wonderful mama! Best of luck to you!

I would talk to your husband to first try to clear up what happened 4 years ago. I can't believe you don't know after all of these years. I also would tell him this is the only thing your son wants and you want him to have it. Let him know your son is getting this for Christmas and if he wants to leave, he can leave now. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Is he like this year round or only at Christmas? Sounds to me there's deeper issues and he needs to get help.

Sounds to me like he is jealous.

My advice is to get the game anyway. If he wants to play head games with you and the family then he can leave, but he doesn't get to come home. His leaving is a sign that he doesn't want to be a part of this marriage anyway.

I'm sorry hon. Start getting your ducks in a row. Make sure you document everything. Lean on your family.

for starter's you need help, he is obviously not happy, maybe another woman?? please forgive me for intruding, by why o why all the sudden for no reason at all would he just up and leave to a HOTEL over something so stupid, AND at christmas time for that matter?? i can see some jealousy if you spent mony on you for christmas but not him...in my family my husband would PERFER that

me, personally, i'd flat out tell him, that something can be compromised on your end but if he EVER walks out like that again, he can expect seperation papers heading his way and start paying child support until he gets his act together yeah i'd suspect infedility that honestly would be my FIRST thought UNLESS there is a reason for him to be depressed such as loss of a job or family issues, loss of a close friend or relative

Does he use the computer without your being around? i would put spy ware stuff on the computer, that logs keyboard strokes, docs screen movement, and even call the cell phone company to get a copy of all incoming and out going calls/texts/e-mails...you need to find out what's going on whether he's willing to GIVE you his problem or you have to do some digging

I understand how you feel. My husband which is my children's step father is a big giver but gets the same way sometimes. I know how you are feeling. You would get your children the gifts they want but you feel afraid that he won't be happy if you do. It's a sticky situation and it makes you feel sick to your stomach choosing which person to make happy. My husband is the one who got me into spending more than I normally would on my children. In fact sometimes he makes me feel cheap when I buy gifts when really I feel it is plenty. This causes me to feel hurt and angry. This year I ordered my son some expensive shoes and I know my husband will probably have a fit because he always gets shoes for presents but it's in the price range I have set for each child and it is Christmas so they should get what they want(as long as it's in the price range). Your husband probably feels that the Wii he got him is enough and he doesn't want to spend more money on those games. My hubby gets that way too. My kids want a Wii but he's worried about the remote being thrown thru our flat screen like our neighbors did. We do have a PS3 that came with our TV but no good games for us girls so we don't play it as much as the Wii. Every time I mention to him that we could sell it and buy a Wii he gets funny. I would love to play the family games but think my youngest child would lose the remote in the TV so I kind of agree. He is against cell phones too for my middle school child. I understand why. We feel that children are being exposed to way more than they can handle now days and way more than the parents can monitor. My older son has one and his friends never call the house anymore and texting goes on thru the night. I want to know who he is talking to so I know what's going on in his life especially the teen age years. My sisters husband hates when she buys her kids a lot of presents. In fact she spent $100 on each child and he freaked out so I know what you're going through. She is now separated from him and can't afford even the hundred dollars. My daughter keeps asking for us to let her go on face book and that and a phone is all she keeps asking for but I'm just not ready for all that. I bought a trak phone and almost gave it to her last year after pursuadeing my husband that it was the right time but then I held back and it is still sitting on my shelf. Good luck. Maybe you can try to talk to him about the whole Christmas thing and how much to spend on each child. My ex husband told me after we had been apart that he was never included in the shopping and I never knew he wanted to take part. I feel that a grown up has the right to go buy presents if they want to so they shouldn't blame the other one for not inviting them or letting them have input.

I didn't read the responses below, but I just had to respond to this. First, I think your husband has mental problems! What kind of father wouldn't want a wonderful Christmas for his children!?!? He is being totally selfish and self-centered, acting like a spoiled kid himself!!! I'm sorry if that sounds offensive but it's the truth. I think what you should do is buy your son the DS and then take all the presents and go to your mother's house or other relative or friend and have a wonderful Christmas for your children WITHOUT him. Tell him that until he can act like a mature ADULT, in a loving manner toward his children, you will not be a part of his ridiculous "plan" to walk out on his family just because he doesn't get his way. And stick to it! Get a backbone and stand up for your kids AND yourself. There is going to come a time where Christmas won't be as special because your kids will be grown and these precious few years where it is magical to them will be gone in a flash. What a big baby...and what gives him the right to spoil it for everyone like this? If I were you I'd totally resent him for taking this away from my kids. Sorry, but I had to say it.

Okay, so it doesn't sound like your husband is acting as, er, politely as he should. Really really look into counseling. Find a good one. They are there. Even if it's via phone (don't know how rural you are in Iowa).

Also, get your hubbie a good medical exam. One that checks hormones and enzymes. My husband was upset all the time and it turns out that his Seratonin and related chemicals were practically depleted. He was starting with no abilities to handle stress. Once he got on some natural supplements, he became much more like his old self. (we went to a naturopath doctor)

Good luck. Sounds like some better communication skills will help everyone. And I agree with the posters below who say that Christmas is just what is triggering his upset with a deeper memory he has.

The question is why is he trying to make your son's life a living hell? It's the only thing that boy wants for Christmas so why would his dad deny him it. I can see if you can't afford it, but that does not seem to be the case. He threatened to leave on Cristmas day if you didn't do as he wished. I would have told him why wait go ahead and do it now. You don't threaten to leave someone you love on Christmas day because you are acting like a two year old. Think of your kids. How is it going to be for them if daddy threatens or leaves every year because he does not get his way. That will definiately not be the happy holidays you wanted for them.

Sounds to me like your hubby is a child himself (pouting and going off to bed) and maybe someone that just has to be in control. Does his religion not celebrate Christmas? Just trying to understand....sounds like you may need to have talk (preferably not when Christmas is looming but that won't help for this year) to see what the issue and his ground rules are.

I personally would get the gift my son asked for....but I am not that one that has to live with your husband and mine wouldn't leave over one gift.

Talk to your hubby and see why he doesn't want your son to have something for Christmas and try to come up w/ a compromise.

I am a little confused. Are you upset because your husband doesn't want you to buy him a Christmas gift? If so, this is not why you should be upset! You should be upset b/c he left you and your children a few years ago at Christmas! My question to you is, why didn't you divorce him? Leaving you for 4 days is unacceptable. Who does he think he is? Why did you let him get away with that? I would have divorced my husband (or at the very least insist on intense marriage counseling a few times a week for months) if he left me and my kids for 4 days!

You already have a ton of responses here and many of which sound like great advice. I just wanted to make a little addition.

I too am surprised that no resolution has come from the horrible Christmas 4 years ago when your husband left. I know sometimes it seems easier to let well enough alone and move on, but at the same hand knowing what's going on in all aspects of your marriage is essential for a healthy marriage. It may be difficult now after so long to bring it back up but may be essential.

My father left my mother one year for a few months shortly before Thanksgiving. Completely different scenario, as we (my siblings and I) believe it may have been mid-life-crisis related. This may be not be relevant, but once my father returned home they agreed to marriage counseling which continued for months. They have never been happier now, but perhaps some kind of counseling could help.

Also, I wonder if your husband is jealous of the attention given to your children during the holidays? Perhaps he didn't receive that kind of attention as a child so he gets the "not fair" kind of attitude he seems to have currently. It's not spoiling your children to buy them a few gifts off their little Christmas wish lists! Unless of course they get new toys daily- which doesn't sound like that happens. Sounds like he's waited for a few years for this- more than I can say for alot of other children these days. If it's the money he's worried about, see if you can find a second hand Dsi on ebay or craigslist. If you can find a discounted one than he has no reason to be so against it! There are tons of wonderful learning games for the handheld video games these days too. So if sitting around wasting time on it is his reason than you can buy only the games that you want him to play!

If those reasons don't satisfy his distaste for buying his son the toy than nothing will! I'm sorry to say that I feel he's being extremely immature. I mean, doesn't every parent want to see that twinkle of awe in their childrens eyes on Christmas morning?!?

I'm having a hard time not telling you to tell him to grow up or get out! I agree with the other mothers on here that there's an underlying issue of some kind. Have you approached him with the "what's the problem here" conversation yet? I'm sensing that he's going to disagree with counseling of any sort, but maybe if his options are slowing pushing away and losing his family or talking to a professional maybe he'll chose the later.

I'm sorry you're going through this, especially with such young impressionable children and during the holidays. I know I'd choose to buy the gift for my son. It might not be the right thing to do, but I'd deal with the consequences. Perhaps if you choose to do the same, you could prep him ahead of time. Tell him you realize that it's going to make him upset and if he chooses to leave over a Christmas gift than maybe he should do it now rather than Christmas morning in front of the boys. And it might be hard to stomach the thought of him LEAVING leaving, but if it comes to that than maybe it's not that bad of an idea. Like someone has mentioned, your children need at least one grounded parent to provide the love and nurturing that they will need to grow into responsible mature and loving adults. Your husbands attitude has the potential to ruin their childhood memories, even if he only acts like this during the Holidays.

Sorry for getting long winded! Please take care, and good luck dealing your husbands immaturity. I wish you and your family the best.

His behavior is astonishing. I'm scratching my head here! Didn't you both discuss why he left that one Christmas? Was nothing resolved or did anything come to light? Is he that big of a baby over other things, too? The sad thing is if your kids' special holiday is ruined again. He's holding you hostage with his demands. And is it correct that he said that your son doesn't "need anything" for Christmas?? I agree with the other moms, I think you guys need to get into couples counseling right away. Doesn't sound like we have the full picture here and you guys obviously have some things to work out. Be sure to give us an update. I hope this gets resolved and you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!!

Your husband is being ridiculous.
Maybe you and the kids should spend Christmas somewhere more joyful?
Dang.
There's got to be reasons he acts like this. If you cant afford it OR he doesnt want the kids playing vid games yet, you might need to heed his warning. Is it worth your marriage to get him that angry that he pouts and leaves on Christmas over a game for your 7 yr old? Not sure.
I think hub has some deep issues that you need to discover and figure out how to work them to the surface and get them resolved so you dont have more sad Christmas's down the road.

Your posts makes me want to give my hubby a big ol' hug when he gets home because thank God that he always puts me and the kids first and does everything for us. Your husband sounds very selfish and he either needs to seek counseling or you need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. This is ridiculous over a $100 dollar gift(unless it was like food money I could understand), and how dare he threaten to leave his family period but especially on Christmas. I would tell him to get on then.

Please get your family into counseling asap. Even if your husband won't go, then go by yourself. That is emotional blackmail. Even if you don't stay in the marriage, you need the tools to learn how to deal with him. Hopefully he will go with you & see the light...

God Bless!

Leaving the family over Christmas gifts, sounds REALLY childish to me. I think you both need some marriage councilling, or whole family councilling, becaue if he is this immature over Christmas gifts, I can't imagine living with him day to day. maybe NO-ONE should get gifts this year, maybe you should spend thatm money on councilling and do some type of family service project to show the kids the holiday is about giving not getting, since "getting" is clearly the message they are seeing form their father.

Sorry to sounds harsh, but a person that threatens to leave a marriage over who gets what for Christmas is not "getting" the idea of what marriage is all about , much less what Christmas is all about!

Jessie

If the only thing your son gets is a DS then I don't see why it is a problem. Does your husband agree that your son should get something for Christmas or does he not want him to get anything? I mean you can't give your 7 year old nothing for Christmas, unless you are reall strapped for $. He might as well get what he really wants instead of a bunch of stuff he doesn't want. Your husband sounds very immature and jealous of his kids. He had his turn at being a kid...now it's time for his kids. Do the two of you exchange gifts? My husband talk it over every year. Usually we agree to buy each other 3 gifts but we can't spend more than $75. It is fun trying to think of 3 things that don't cost much. Maybe if you and your husband did something like that he wouldn't get so upset to see your kids having all the fun.
Good luck!