I Hate You!!!!

From what I'm told when I was 3 or 4 I must have said something very similar to my mother, she probably did the say thing as you helped me pack my bags. She use to tell me not only did I pack my bags but I got the truck keys and told my dad to come on I was running away. I don't remember the whole story and it's too late to ask now, but I will tell you growing up at times I hated my mother--I would never say it out loud. Anyway, my point is my mother became my best friend after all the growing pains. Hang in there.

S.,

This is very typical 4 year old behavior. They will use that phrase with friend and family when angry. This is partly because they don't have better words and they usually get a reaction with those. A good response from you is " I know you are angry right now. I will always love you but I do not like the words you are using right now. You may say I'm angry, I don't like that or other phrases you give her to describe the situational feelings, but HATE is an ugly word we don't want to use because it is very strong let's use these other words instead. It will take some time but will help her find the words she really needs in anger situations. Good Luck

Well, this might be painful to hear, but I agree with the previous posters. Your reactions seem to reinforce that you DON'T love her (although I'm sure that you do!) She might actually feel this way about you, or she may be trying to get a rise out of you because she's angry (which is working!)

Every child should feel they have the ability to express their feelings IN A RESPECTFUL MANNER, and to put soap in her mouth for that doesn't sound appropriate. Have you tried teaching her another way to express herself? You could say "I love you very much, and it hurts me that you say that. Are you angry with me? Rather then saying such mean things, you could say that you are mad at me. Then we can talk about it. It's ok to be angry. I get angry with you too. But I don't tell you that I hate you, and that you don't love me."

You might even describe a time that you were angry and what you did to resolve the situation without saying mean things.

Now, if in your home mean things are said regularly to each other, you need to try to change that or it is hypocritical to tell her that she can't say mean things when she is angry.

S., mom to 5, ages preborn to 6!

Hey S.,

This sounds tough, but I have a recommendation for you. Go to your library or Amazon or a bookstore and borrow, or purchase the book called 1-2-3 Magic by Dr . I have the audio book and I listen to it in the car. He addresses EXACTLY this issue and talk about how to handle it as well as many other issues with children. I LOVE his tactics and they truly work. Seriously it is worth the purchase. http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Ch...
Hope this helps :)

Tara

Your child feels like you don't love her and your behavior seems to reinforce that idea. She is only 4, you are an adult and need to act like it. Do not go to her level. Calmly tell her you love her very much, give her a hug and leave it at that. All she really wants is reassurance, you are doing the opposite.

In your shoes, I think I would tell her something like "we don't use the word hate. It is ok to say you feel very angry, but it is not ok to to say you hate someone. Go to your room and stay there until you are ready to talk nicely." That is basically what I do when my son uses inappropriate language.

As far as the "you don't love me" I might try something like saying "I love you too much to argue about this". The less reaction the better.

HTH, good luck!

I would not punish her for that. She is at the age where she is learning that words have power. She knows you react when she says something like that, so she does it over and over. It gets your attention, which is what she wants, even if it is negative.

We our 4 year old tells us he doesn't love us, we tell him that is fine, but we will always love him. If he continues, we ignore it.

Try a calm "I'm sorry you feel that way because I love you. You sure sound mad/frustrated/etc. When you feel like talking I'm here for you with a hug!"
And let her be in her feelings. You stay calm and in control and she'll come to you knowing you are strong for her. Soaping her mouth or packing her bags won't help her learn how to understand and control her own feelings, she'll just feel more confused and anxious. Happy feelings in our children are easy to deal with, but those intense "negative" feelings are just as valid for us to help them learn to accept and understand. Not easy, of course, but part of the deal for parents. Good luck!

i remember saying these exact things to my mom. i would respond to my mad kid as follows..." i hate you" followed by me with " thats ok" and the " i dont love you" by " i will always love you" keeping a clam voice. also telling her that our family dosent say ugly things like this and telling her to go sit in her room till she calms down. i wouldnt do time out, this is letting her know when she gets angery she needs to either calm herself down or go to her room till she is "normal" again. if we hold onto all the i love you mommy's instead of the negative these little moments wouldnt even cross our minds but were human and so is she. hang in there mom. after all you cant be that bad as she didnt even make it down the stairs.

Now that you have made it through the initial shock of "I hate you" try to show no surprise that she has said this calmly look at her and quietly say to her "That hurts my heart. (touch chest with hand while saying this phrase)and then say I still love you." Then continue what you are doing. (Most likely this is puting her in time out.) Do not join the two sentences together as toddlers have problems processing joined sentences containing words like and or but. Be persistent and consistent don't give up. Just remember if your child has never said I hate you, then you have not been a good parent.

She has found one of your buttons!!! Smart girl. My kids tried this and I told them "well u r about to hate me even more, here is your punishement. And by the way, I will always love u very much. Now go to your room." After punishment, we then talk and work on resolvement. I also mention that mean things should not be said during anger and that they are not meant. My kids did not do this for long because it did not phase me externally (it did feel like a knife initially but I had too many friends and family warn me about this one). Good luck and hang in there. I think all parents hear this one, unfortunately.

Little ones try so hard to be independent. I learned with my daughters (now 20 and 17) that, what they said when they were small, wasn't necessarily what they were thinking. A limited vocabulary makes it hard to express themselves. My youngest daughter would get exasperated for some reason or another and (around your daughters age - 4) would announce "I'm running away". Which later translated into - I'm going to go sit on the corner of the street, until you pay attention to me!
I was usually engaged in other mommy activities - her outbursts nearly always seemed to occur while I was preparing dinner. So, I would tell her, "no, you are NOT running away today - I have to get dinner ready" ...??? I treated her verbal explosion as just another sentence telling me, she was feeling frustrated, or blue, or maybe left out of her older sisters activities. She would come back into the house and help me. Her running away gear consisted of a Barbie suitcase, her favorite stuffed kitty and an umbrella. Nothing else. I knew she was exaspereated, but never did actually figure out what she was upset about.
My point is, that often children say things, that sound outrageous to us and their actions mimic (in many ways) what they are saying. BUT ... in their own little world, it is often another way to get you to talk to them, to find out what is really going on.
You are a good mom and when your children are small, it is easy in some ways to treat them older than they are, because they can talk. It is also another challenge to not baby them too much. I wish there were mom/dad manuals provided with each one at birth - it would make life so much easier.
Blessings and I know you will figure it out.
R. Marie

My sister in law told me this a long time ago......
This to shall pass!!!
I know it hurts, but just know she does not know what she is really saying! But I also will say she has heard that somewhere!!!!!!! Always remember to be aware of what you are saying and doing around your kids, and any other kids too!!!!!

I can't help but think that she is getting this from someone. Could the 15 year old step-daughter be saying that to her? Is she in daycare? They can pick up this habit there as well. When she says these things you should sit her down and tell her you could never hate her as you love her very much but I would also tell her that sometimes you do not like her behavior and explain what behavior it is. Then I would tell her there are new rules. Each time she does this you will take something away like a favorite toy or something that is important to her. Explain when she stops saying this she will get the item back but if she stops and then starts it up again, the new rule starts again. Believe me she will test you to see if you mean what you say and you need to stick with it. She will want her stuff back or you continue taking something else until evidentually she will decide she isn't winning this batte. Each child is different and we have all gone through this or something simular at least once in our lifetime. I think she is to young to tell her to pack her bags and I am glad she did not get further down the stairs. This could confuse her. I had two daughters. One was so easy to raise and you would just have to tell her that she disappointed you and that was it but the other unfortunately I had to sit her down and talk to her and most of the time that never worked until I had to give her a little spanking and send her to her room for a while (nothing hard or abusive, but only to catch her attention) and that worked on her. She realized I meant business. Each child takes discipline in different ways but you must stick with what you say. If you just say something and then turn around and act like it never happened then you will pay the price. You have to remember that your are the adult and run the household, not the 3 year old. If you don't set rules now you will pay the price later.

The closest experience I have with that is when I was 14. Enough said. However, I'd be tempted if my little one (3 now) said and felt that way, I'd want to stop the world and say, "But I love you soooo much. Can I have a hug?" And then I'd hug them until they couldn't see straight. I see it as a cry for attention and needing some special momma love. Most of our temper tantrums are snuffed out by a great big hug session. We've recently had a baby and when I see and feel the jealousy starting, I up the hugs. He's so precious and loving with her, and I attribute it to the fact that he doesn't even imagine our love for him could ever waiver.

I wish you the best. I'll be just heart broken the first time I ever hear anything like that. Right now, I'm not even sure my son has ever heard the word "hate."

My son has also said this to me a few times. Usually when he is in trouble for something and I am reinforcing the punishment. What I think he is really saying is that he hates teh punishment, not me. He is an only child so I don't necessarily think it has anything to do with sibling rivalry although if it gets a reaction from you it could be a cry for attentions.

I also agree that packing her bags is sending her a mixed single. You say you love her but you packed her bags?

What I would suggest is to respond with "I love you" and do not take it too seriously. You can let her know that the word hate is not nice and we don't use that word etc, but I also agree punishing her is not necessarily the best solution. She is expressing her anger and frustration. We need to allow our children to express themselves and feel they are free to express themselves at home in a safe way of course. I think that if you respond calmly and do not show that it bothers you she will stop. My son has only said this once or twice and he's 8, I believe he was just very angry and I took it with a grain of salt.

I'm sure it is a phase that will pass and that she is using that phrase to get attention. I'm sure this will pass, just continue to show her that you love her no matter what!

S.,
This is going to really sound harsh, but I think the reality of what you are doing to your child, unintentionally or intentionally, has a major impact. You really need to think about the message you are sending to your child. Packing her bags is confirmation of what she already feels and doesn't understand why, and it doesn't matter if she made it downstairs or not. That is not to be taken lightly. She is trying to send a message to you the ONLY way she knows how to at this age. Your actions are completely inappropriate and mean spirited. You are suppose to be the grown up. I have 5 children and not one has ever told me they hated me! I would be mortified and devastated, but I would also be trying to find the root of the problem too and deeply reflect on myself as a parent! So not everyone does go through it. Please do not live in a world of this happens to everyone, because it doesn't. I am sure my kids have not liked some of the decisions I have made for them and been REALLY upset with me for making them, but NEVER have they told me they hated me. They might say something to their siblings or friends, but that I don't know and nobody has ever said anything to me. :) I am not saying I was the perfect parent because I was NOT, but I did make sure our home is and still is a safe haven for my family where NOBODY can hurt them. There is enough hurt in the world that they do not need to endure it at home too.

You say your 4 month old son has you "wrapped" around your finger.....What about your daughter?!?! I have 4 girls and 1 boy, so I understand your feelings, but the others need just as much of me. Boys are truly special, but girls are too!! Maybe she's "feeling" the difference not so much in words, but by your actions.

Hug her.
Comfort her.
Listen to her.
Kiss her.
Make her feel secure.
Make her feel safe.
Earn her trust back. (You broke it with packing her bag! That is a breach.)
Take her out for a special day alone together.
Reassure her.
Make plans with her and keep them!
Correct her in love.
Let her know she hurts you and she needs to take a time out to think about what she has said.
HUG HER AGAIN.
Let her know daily how much you care for her, because you do not want to have any regrets if something should ever happen and you have to live with yourself.
Hope this helps......I don't really beat around a bush when it comes to children. They are VERY important to me.
Blessings,
M.

"I know you hate that I have punished you, and I hate that
you feel the need to hurt your little brother, but I will
love you forever. Nothing will ever change that."

My 4 year old will tell me I am "being mean" sometime when he gets in trouble. I advise him that he hasn't seen mean yet unless he continues to be disrespectful. I usually remind him of all the things that day that I have done to care for him and make sure he had fun (which is always a long list) and ask would someone mean do all that for you? He always says no and backs off me. I would be more likely to tell her I am sorry you feel that way, you probably don't want to be around me right now if that's how you feel but I will be waiting for you if you change your mind and try to let it go. She is trying to get a rise out of you so letting her know that it hurts you will most likely fuel the fire next time she sees red and make you a target again. Good luck you have a fun few years ahead. They call them fighting 4's and 5's are supposed to be better?!?

S.,

I'm sure there are moms out there that will probably think I'm insane for this advice but all I can say is that it has worked for me. I have a 2 year old little boy that is just as fiesty and independent as they come. I used to try to be stern and/or ignore my son when he would have temper tantrums or act like I didn't love him but then my husband and I (now seperated) talked about the issue and decided that we would work together in dealing with this situation. We decided that any time he would act out, we would send him to his room and allow him time to calm down while he is allowed time to work through his feelings. I am one who believes that you should allow your children to have and feel the emotions that they are feeling as long as they are a healthy outlet--if it is destructive then I have a talk with him and give him healthy options. (example, he is allowed to cry but he is not allowed to hit. I explain which is the healthy choice and why.) Also, the main thing is that I remain calm throughout these tantrums (for a lack of a better word)and try to figure out why he is feeling the way he does. Then I talk openly with him and try to find out what is going on. I believe, to an extent, that honesty with our children is the best thing. Like talking with your daughter and literally asking her why she doesn't love you or feels that you don't love her. Maybe by starting out by saying that you hate to hear how she feels because no matter what you will always love her. Regardless of how the conversation goes, I have found that treating them with honest regard, rather than underestimating their feelings and understanding, takes our relationship much further. I hope this helps in some ways, it has certainly done wonders for our little boy.

While it hurts to hear "I hate you!" from your own flesh and blood, it demonstrates that you have a very strong child who will most likely be a capable person some day. This is a power struggle and most likely a way to get your attention. She probably feels slighted by any time you spend with your son. She will take any attention (even negative) over being out shadowed by her brother. My oldest daughter said this to me on a regular basis from age five until she left home. (she had three baby sister’s and felt cast aside and replaced) She turned out to be a “take charge” type of women and we are very close now that she is grown. Your daughter is just testing your resolve and trying to bend you to her will by shocking you with her hurtful words. The most powerful response is: "I don't like how you are acting. This is not how to talk to anyone, but I love you with all my heart and I always will. I am the Mommy and we are going to do this my way.” Then send her to her room for a time out or take a privilege away until she understands that it is not ok to do whatever it was that she did-nor is it ok to speak to Mommy that way. You are the person in charge and you have to learn to handle this now, because this is just a precursor for her teen years. Just wait till those hormones kick in. If you can work some of this out now it and replace it with more positive dialoged you may actually make the rebellious teens easier on the entire family. All you can do is to keep telling her you love her and that she is going to grow up to be an amazing person someday, but right now you are doing this my way. You need to reward the good behaviors and punish the bad. If you only punish the bad – then you miss the opportunity to build a good strong positive relationship. You still have time to program her for a positive outcome by projecting the type of behavior you expect from her and reward her when she does what you expect her to do. That can be as simple as, Mommy was so proud of you today when you did . . . . . . . they are like clay at four. We often dwell on the negative and forget to praise. God bless you both – I know this will work out just fine. She is testing you. That’s all. It is very common at this age.

I always respond with: No matter how you feel about me, I will always love you no matter what. Give a big hug. And then ignore it. And/Or: Deep down inside you don't really hate me, you love me. You're just upset with me right now. Hate is a strong word, be careful when you use it. My parents always said: You may not understand this now, but I'm the best friend you will ever have. (I hated it when they said it, but they were right.)

I don't let them say it to their siblings. I do punish for that. They need to understand that hate and dislike are 2 very different things. I do know many parents that punish for saying this to them. It is disrespectful and needs to be dealt with. I just find that the above way is better for my household and reassures my children at this age at least that my love for them doesn't depend on their actions.

My son changed from telling me he hates me to telling me that I'm fired to telling me that I don't love him and he wants to leave home. I told him he was wrong. That I love him very much. I clothe him, feed him, shelter him, hug him, buy him things, teach him, etc. Then I told him that if he wanted to leave he could, but he had to take off his clothes since he didn't believe I loved him. He just looked at me strangely. Then, I said it again. I love you so much I make sure you have clothes, but you don't want my love anymore? OK. Give me your clothes before leaving and make sure to close the door. He just began to laugh once he realized what I was saying.

This is so normal! She is sure that you don't love her because you are angry with her. she doesn't know the difference. I have a little grandson who gave me some insight into this. When I chastized his little sister for running in the parking lot of the supermarket, he said to me with downcast eyes and tremblling lip, "so......you don't love her anymore?" She at 2 wasn't too worried about that, he at 5 was.
I used to tell my own kids in the same tone they were using, "Well I love you A LOT". Then they would laugh when they saw the stupidity of it all.
She is seeking reassurance, give it to her. I wouldn't punish her for it, just reassure and ignore.

I went through the 'I hate you' stage with two step-children, two of my own, and grandkids .... What do you do? I know it hurts, but dont take it personal. Its the only thing they know they can say to get a reaction. So, dont give it to them. I simply told mine, "I am sure right now you are very unhappy, so I am going to ignore what you said. I happen to love you very much, and that is why I disciplined you like I did". Then walk away. Go back to your routine. One of the step-children is not a step-child any more, but he still visits, and he has told me how much he appreciates that I cared enough to discipline him ( his own mother was not into discipline...she was into being his 'friend'). Kids need to know that someone has control, even if they dont.

AFter she has calmed down after saying these hateful words, sit her down at a restaurant or at home tea party and tell her how this makes you feel and talk about how it would make her feel if you screamed it at her. The next time she says it, she will spend her day in her room alone until she is ready to really say she is sorry in a genuine way - at least after a half hour. Everytime she says it, add time in her room. Tell her you don't want to be around her (and neither does anyone else) when she uses words that hurt. She needs to think about other words she could say to help her cope - you can work on that together. As in what makes her so angry to say these words to you - not getting her way, etc...

Hi S.,
Sounds like a familiar sound tome. ahahahah- I raised 12 children and went thru that with nearly all of them lol...... a little child that age really does not feel "hate" nor do they really know what "hate " is- they have just heard that word in some form of anger or disgust from someone else- just a form of expression....
they do however, feel anger and rejection......and that is the only way they have of expressing what they are feeling. Soap in the mouth (even I did that when they said a really really bad word) but tht is not the answer..........I am sure she is feeling some sort of disconnect because of the younger one and even tho she is qite a bit younger than the older one- she is still the middle child- and middle children are just different somehow lol...... what I did and what seemed to work best wos- when they said they hated me I just simply said " Oh, I am so sorry you feel that way, because I really love you very much- bigger than the sky and I could never hate you..." or something like that- and just went about my business..........kinda responding but mostly ignoring the out burst.
On the "packing" I just had to laugh-outloud- I had a son who kept a bag packed until he was about 7 or so- and he was always promising to run away- he was so funny- sometimes he would run away to the garage, sometimes to the back yard- but never really out of site of the house- we just laughed and laughed- it is a stage some go thru and if you don;t make too big an issue- and there are no other anger issues being exhibitied, it will pass.
Good luck and Blessings

NO your not alone....My daughter is now ten,and sometimes we still hear it but not often.( And i'm sure i will again in the teen years to come)
I tried everything- My best response to the day is -Well I love you any way, even when your talking ugly; and i hope god don't hear you.
With or without God- this has made her quit saying it. It's an attention getter of a sort.
Good -luck

I know you've got a lot of responses already, but I just had to say this too... It's amazing how often we use the word "hate" without even thinking about it. Even reading some of the responses... "I hate to hear this or that..."
At my son's preschool, they established that "hate" is a bad word, and they are disciplined accordingly (time-out generally). Soon after that, my 4yo started pointing out to us when we said it and I couldn't believe how often!

He's never said he hates me, but he has to my hubby quite a few times, and it always hits him hard. It doesn't matter how often I try to explain that's not what he really means, he's just upset, it doesn't seem to help. I'm actually going to show him this post. Maybe he'll get something good from you wonderful moms that I can't seem to get through! =o)

Hi S.~
Yup , been there. Our son used to say things like that " I hate you " and my response was " thats fine, I love you and always will no matter what "...or " you dont love me " and my response would be " I love you very much ".
I know it hurts your heart to hear your child say these things, it was for me. But even when your daughter is breaking your heart, mend hers. Turn it around .
My son dosen't say things like that anymore. Good luck.