In Need of Help with Behavioral Problems

W.,
I enjoy reading the family articles by John Rosemond and while I don't agree with everything many things he says do work; he has a web site at www.JohnRosemond.com

Have you tried reverse psyc on him? Tell him not to put his toys away. After he goes to bed put them all in a box and remove them from the house (garage storage shed, closet whatever and don't bring any back for a week). Tell him to get dressed because you are leaving the house soon. When he doesn't get dressed he has to go in his pajamas. Tell him not to take a bath and let him walk around dirty and when he wants a hug tell him no, he smells bad and you don't want to have to get sick from touching him.
And talk to someone about having him tested for ODD.

I'm sorry...call me old fashioned but it sounds to me like an old fashioned spanking would be called for at this point. I mean, a spanking on the butt...not a beating...there IS a difference. I know a lot of people are against spanking these days, but I believe that is the problem with most of our kids now a days. My parents spanked me, I spanked my kids...and we are good, law abiding citizens with no mental/anger issues. I thank God that my parents spanked me as I learned to respect authority at an early age. I and my children would've NEVER even thought about throwing a tantrum because we knew it would've resulted in a spanking. I stayed out of a lot of trouble during my childhood/teenage years just because of the FEAR of a spanking. And to this day, I get along fine w/ people, work w/ the public, I don't believe I was "scarred" in any way due to the fact that I was spanked.

Dear W.,

Sounds like Kaden needs a good spanking and you need to learn how to hold his ear. Children are incapable of understanding rational thought so sometimes you have to go back to the basics of non-verbal communications. A spanking and to bed with no supper and a world of no toys/games/tv may sound cruel but it will do him wonders if you can break this behavior before he becomes a school problem. If you don't do it now he will grow into a bigger problem. You need to learn to hold the ear in a way to concentrate his mind with pain without permanent damage. Very effective. You are the mommy and Kaden need to learn to respect and obey for his own good and future.

God Bless,

S.

Hi W.:

I had the same type of issue with my son at 3. One of the things that really helped me was focusing on what he does right instead of what he is doing wrong. Have you tried to praise him a ton whenever he is behaving well? I tried to catch him doing something good every day and give him a hug and kiss and tell him what a good boy he is. I had a baby in February and that was when I was really struggling with this. He still has his moments, but the hour long tantums stopped almost immediately. I tried to spend 20 minutes playing with him each day and rewarded him with a small toy whenever he behaved properly. I coupled this with ignoring his bad behavior all together (which is extremely hard, I might add) and it was unbelievable how much he changed very quickly.

With the baby, I tried to include him anyway I could with taking care of her. Every time I had to change a diaper, his job was to hand me the diaper and cream. He started taking a lot of pride in being a big brother and now, almost a year later, he is very seldom jealous of her. I also let him sit next to me while I was feeding her and talk to him about his sister and what they would do together when she is old enough to play with him.

I know every kid is different, but my boy was hitting, kicking, biting and punching anyone whenever he got upset and throwing tantrums and when I tried some of these things that were offered to me by some friends, I was shocked at how well it worked.

I will be thinking of you. Being a parent is hard, isn't it???

Oh my, sounds EXACTLY like MY 4yo Kaden! Actually me too (I'm explosive, etc too).

What I found out was it was due to candida (yeast) overgrowth. I give my son 1/4 capsule of Candex (bought at The Vitamin Shoppe) on an empty stomach, and he was a different person that same day! He is so much more compliant and patient, and he even helped me clean up!

In the meantime, make sure he gets small frequent meals and snacks that are high in protein and fat. Blood sugar roller coasters cause behavioral problems too. Blood sugar problems are also caused by yeast.

I have tried many things over the years and know this works. One day while in the store my now 20 yr old was throwing a major fit, threw himself down on the floor, kicking, screaming - how embarrasing right? I did just what he did and right there on the floor I threw myself down screaming, kicking and acting just like him. He stopped, stood up and told me I looked "stupid!" I calmly said I didn't understand because if it's ok for him to act that way then why couldn't I act that way! He never threw a fit since. My now 6 yr old instead of throwing a fit begs for everything in the store and when he doesn't get what he wants he'd start putting things in the cart. I put them back on the shelf when he wasn't looking. We're still working on the spitting, kicking and biting.

Hi W.,

My advice would be read HAVE A NEW KID BY FRIDAY. By Dr. Kevin Leman. His premise is that children must learn about consequences, and early. But, to begin your child's transformation, YOU have to be willing to change YOUR attude. Turns out we parents can lead to the reasons our children act the way they do. I'm learning that the hard way.

I am in the process of reading it as we speak. I have a VERY independant, and strong willed 3.5 year old. That has the potential to lead to an amazing leader, however, if not guided correctly, he could be a total brat as well.
So.. we have been at this since Sunday. Life is not perfect yet, in fact we've had some really rough days. But the past day or two he has kinda started THINKING before he just ACTS. He begins to understand that you can't talk back to Mommy. You can't throw a fit when you don't get your way. Without there being consequences to follow. Good example, the first morning we started this, my little man says he doesn't like me. My NEW behavior is ... I turned my back on him and walked away. Normally I would have totally engaged him, saying "That's not nice... blah blah blah". Instead I made him feel it. After breakfast I let him watch a few shows while I clean up and do a bit of housework. Well... he starts in on "mommy will you turn the TV on". I said "no, I didnt like the way you spoke to me at the breakfast table. So, I don't think you need to watch your show. You'll have to find something else to do while Mommy cleans up." You'd have thought that I was the meanest woman on the planet. However... he has been respectful. He has started helping care for his brother during that time in the morning. AMAZING!! Has helped me reshape the way I parent. Hope it helps you.

W.,

I would say for you to read your request and search your heart deeply. Think honestly about every detail about your son, language, social, sensory, fine motor, and speech, and if there are even small things that you question, you should make a note about them. Then, If you mean everything you said in your post, and nothing is exaggerated, you should call your nearest children's hospital and contact the developmental pediatric office and make him an appointment with a developmental pediatrician for a full evaluation. You will be surprised when they ask you about some of the items that you inventoried above, and his behavior may make much more sense to you.

You should try consistent discipline with him until he is evaluated, and find ways to set him up for success. Be prepared to wait him out (don't give in) when he throws a fit. Make him safe while he tantrums.

Tell him what you want him to do, not what you want him to stop doing and he will be more successful. If he screams, say be quiet. If he hits, say put your hands in your pockets. If he jumps on the couch, say put your feet on the floor...

Finally, I don't think that you should think of this in terms of his problem being caused by the birth of his brother, all kids, even those with issues, can show stress when they have a new sibling. What you describe started long before he had a brother. It sounds debilitating for him, and miserable for you; an appointment for evaluation is a long wait away, and you can always cancel if he suddenly improves beforehand.

Good luck,
M.

W.,
I don't have much advice, but I will say the key to punishment is to follow through and be consist. It might seem like time out in't working but you have to be consistant. Everytime he's bad put him in time out, if he gets out take him right back..over and over consitatly. It's time to take your sanity back!! Don't give in. I don't care if he leaves time out 20 times keep taking him back to the time out spot. It's h*** o* parents to do this but if you stick with it I promise in a week it'll be smooth sailing. he'll know mommy is for real and she is going to seriously make me sit here!! Do this with whatever punishment you choose but just be consistant.
And why not, at this point what do you got to lose?
Hope you find something that works.
S.

Read a book about strong willed children. He may be just always trying to get a rise out of you. Start out with one step. Everytime he throws a tantrum, send him to his room. Don't wait, don't give him the opportunity to stop, if he does stop don't even not send him, just always send him to his room. If he chooses not to go on his own, then physically pick him up, set him on the floor in his room, and shut the door. Once he stops screaming, if it's been 4 or 5 minutes, open his door and say to him, "every single time to misbehave like that, you will go to your room" Then, let him out. The very next time he does it, do it again. It will take a lot, maybe a few days of you taking him to his room, before the behavior will begin to not happen as frequently, but if you don't follow through, this bad behavior won't stop on its own. Also, if he acts up during the day after a couple of time outs, let him know that you've been thinking about how there HAS to be a reason for him making bad choices today....then tell him just in case he isn't getting enough sleep, he's going to go to bed 5 minutes earlier that night. Everytime he acts up, deduct 5 minutes from his bedtime. If his bedtime is 8 and he ends up going to bed from his bad choices at 7 tonight, so be it....he's only testing you to see if you're serious about what you say will happen. If he lays there and cries, so be it...put a fan outside his bedroom door to drown him out so you don't have to hear it as loudly. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line you stopped being consistent, and you started letting him win his way. Take it into consideration with your second and make sure that from the beginning, you're consistent with your expectations, and if they disobey you or model unacceptable behavior, then make sure there are consequences. It's harder to start implementing rules when they're 4, but it's not too late either. It's easier to just bring a child up from birth to know that mommy and daddy have rules that they are expected to follow. If you don't get control of his behavior now, it's only going to get worse, and once he is 8 or 9, he'll be even more disrespectful to you, and much harder to control. If my kids threw a tantrum at their age (5 and 6) or anytime before their ages, they'd get their butt whipped and sent to their rooms. It's about him testing you, and you not caving...if you can do that, things will work out.

The reason time-outs haven't worked and taking stuff away isn't working is - it isn't being done right. All of this has to be a huge cry for attention, and he's getting something out of it (negative attention) otherwise he wouldn't keep doing it. He's also very jealous of the baby. (I remember being 4 years old and really mad at my brother who was newborn. I so didn't like him being around.) Our 5 year old wasn't real thrilled when we had our second daughter (who is 2). Just meant we had to include her more in what was going on and be sure to pay attention to her too - and let her know how much we appreciated all her help.

He needs one-on-one time with both of you, but particularly his dad. Let him know there are consequences for his actions, but bring it to his level. "If you act up, then you don't get to do things you want to do."

Include him in helping the baby, and say things like, "We need to be careful around the baby because he's little and we don't want to hurt him." Let him get the diapers and wipes for you or bring you the baby's blanket. Kids like to help.

With the time outs, pick a "time out spot". The first time you try to do this, he is going to wage war and will fight it to the hilt. The important thing is that YOU WIN this war. When he acts up, put him in the corner and tell him "You're in time out because ____________ and you need to sit her for 4 minutes (1 minute per year old), and every time you get up, the time starts over." Every time he gets up, put him back without saying a word. He'll fight you probably up to a few hours before he finally stays, and he will eventually stay there if you stick with it...it's all about winning the war, and if you let him win, it's only going to continue to get worse because he knows he's got the power/control. When he finally stays there the 4 minutes, go over and tell him, "You were put in time out because ___________. That isn't appropriate because ____________. I want an apology." Then hugs/kisses and tell him you love him.

He needs some SERIOUS one on one time and CONSTANT conversation about what is appropriate and inappropriate. DO NOT RESPOND until he behaves appropriately and tell him just that. If he wants to tell you something, get something, or whatever he needs to ask or respond appropriately. YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM HOW TO RESPOND APPROPRIATELY! AS obvious as it seems, they need to be told....repeatedly.

You need to talk about the consequences of good and bad behavior. He wants a reaction. He needs to start understanding that adults respond to GOOD behavior, not just bad behavior.

In addition, INCLUDE HIM and tell him how important it is to be a big brother. Have him help you with whatever he can....laundry (DONT worry about it being perfect!), cleaning something up, etc. AS LONG AS HE FEELS YOU'RE NOT USING HIM and NEED him, you'll get the response you want.

Do you read together, do projects, bake, get the mail, etc. Whatever you can do together.......DO IT! I think you'll start to see a different child. In addition, NO SCREAMING OR YELLING! Adults can trigger this kind of behavior because that's why they hear out of their parents. (I'm NOT being judgmental here and I may not be right in this case, but it happens ALOT!) Just keep that kind of thing in check. Children live what they learn. Be aware of ALL The stimuli he's getting.

Hi W.,
Don't tell him to do something, ask him to help you by doing thus, thus and thus. Then if he helps follow through with a reward, something he likes to do. Tell him he is mama's little helper, and that you are so proud of him.
Give him lots of love and attention, as it sounds like he might be jealous, because the baby takes a lot of your time.
good luck

sounds like he is striving on negative attention - it will be hard but the best route out will be to ignore the negative (obviously you cant ignore the physical negative) and OVER praise the positive. Make a positive chart and let him be active in the upkeep of the chart - at first look at the chart every hour or two - then make it twice a day - then just at night to review the day's progress. see how that goes

Have you tried a reward system for being good? Nothing major just maybe start when you have a day with him at home and set a timer, if he is good for a period of time he gets a sitcker and after about 10 or so stickers he gets a reward. It could be anything that works for you. If you go to a dollar store and get a lot of toys maybe you could let him choose 1 from a bag or play a game he likes. Start with a short time frame and increase it daily and if he has a great day at preschool make sure he knows you are proud and maybe that can be worth 5 stickers but you also have to increase the # of stickers needed for a prize and eventually phase them out and give him small chores around the house for a nickle or dime and teach him to save then take him to the dollar store. It might work all kids are different

Hi W.,
Like Jamie V., I recommend the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I tried his method yesterday with my 3 yr old daughter and it worked! I just read the book within the last week. It is a quick read and easy to implement. Dr. Leman emphasizes the relationship with your child and the need for consistent discipline vs. punishment. The book helped me identify where I was falling short in my discipline and how to fix it. Good luck!

Tantrums are demands for attention, and negative attention is attention. Try ignoring the tantrums. My daughter tried them, but I would tell her, "When you're done with that, come see me" and walk out of the room. When she realized it wasn't giving her attention, she gave up. Took a while, tho, and at first she would come into the room I was in and try again there. Repeat the process. They get tired of chasing you after a while if they don't get what they want.

Make sure you have mommy & me time with just him, now that the baby has come along. To help with picking up things, get down in the floor and play with him, then ask him to help you pick up the toys and put them away. Make sure to make a really big deal of how good a helper he is, what a good job he's doing, what a BIG boy he is, high five, etc. After a while he'll probably do it by himself just for the praise alone.

Some kids will not respond to any ordinary punishment and you have to get rather creative; our grandson is like that. I recommend a wonderful book by Lisa Welchel called Creative Correction. You can pick it up on Amazon used for around $10. This book offers "creative solutions for parents who are desperate for new, proven approaches to discipline, and advice on topics such as sibling conflict and lying."

Best of luck to you!

Hi W. ~

I'm sure you'll get loads of great advice here, and I hope something will work and help you to help your son. He can't possibly enjoy feeling out of control, and I know you're at the end of your rope with his tantrums.

I have a suggestion I haven't seen while skimming through the replies. Does your son eat a lot of wheat, dairy, and/or sugar? those three foods can cause all kinds of problems, including out of control behavior.

I see that you're in Central Ohio, so I want to recommend that you take your son to see my doctor. Her name is Sandra Pinkham. She's located at 2170 Riverside Dr. in Columbus, and her office number is ###-###-####.

Sandy began her career as a traditional Pediatric M.D. She specialized in treating children with mild to severe behavioral and developmental disabilities. She was bothered by the traditional medical community's recommendation for so many drugs, so she began to do a lot of research on a more naturopathic approach to treatment. I worked for Sandy several years ago, and it was amazing how well her plan worked for children whose behavior was out of control.

Sandy's patients had such good results that their parents began seeing her, so she now has a family practice.

I hope you can find a way to help your son, and to bring peace to your home.

Hi W.,

Your son may just be looking for attention. I know this answer may be generic and you may have heard it a few times. Your son may be feeling left out. We as mothers get soooo busy. Maybe you have become so busy hadn't had the time to sit down and read him a book or take him out to chuckie cheese...Maybe you have. Perhaps he just wants to be included itno somethings. Try asking your 4 year old to do things for his sibling and make it sound exciting and fun. Introduce scheduling. For example: Say"okay Kaden....it's time to give Tyler a bath. I need your help, maybe you can be in charge of helping mommy get the towels, shampoo and bath supplies!!

Or... after he is done playing with his toys you can say kaden guess what time it is?? It's time to play another game!! We are going to play "pick up n' store". This is where we pick up as many toys as you can and put them in a toy bin. When you are all done you get a PRIZE!! If he buys this "game"....have a few stickers on hand that you can distrubute to him.

See how this works.....

Another option.... you may want to see if you can enroll him with a local daycare about 2-3 times a week. He may not be used to it at first, but will eventually he will become excited to play with new friends get into a routine and have fun.

Adults have their way of communicating. Young toddlers may not have the ability to express how fustrated they feel. If they can not do this- They feel restricted and the only way to channel the emotion is through crying and yelling. Think about you.. if were in a situation with a family member or husband and you felt cornered... or they did not understand your point. They are yelling at you, but you have tried your best to communicate what you want and why..... -that fails....we as human being resort to tears and natural reaction may be to scream. So this may be what Kaden is going through. Try to see if you can get it under control now while he is young. If you don't have this under control it can spiral into something nasty by the time he is a pre-teen or teenager.

good luck my friend.

p.s. I have three kids as a mother to another mother I understand what you are going through.

If none of these work.... try to call Super nanny! lol

Time out, as in sitting on the steps or in a corner, never worked for our son either. He had some awful tantrums when he was 4. What worked for us was to lock him in his room. The previous owners of our house had turned the doorknobs around on the kids' bedrooms, so they locked from the outside. I know it sounds awful, but he was safe and he couldn't leave, he couldn't follow me around screaming, I didn't have to hold him down in his time-out place (counterproductive!) and it removed him from the situation. I would set a timer to start his 4 minutes as soon as he was quiet. Usually, he was asleep by the time it went off, but that was okay, we both needed the break.
Fight and win these battles now while your son is smaller than you. He needs to know you are in charge, and his world falls apart when he defies you outright. Be very careful to choose only battles that are important.
Learn what triggers his tantrums, and ward them off before they start:
-Give him warnings that it is almost time to leave, or go to bed, or turn off the TV.
-Ask him to help in little ways when you are doing chores.
-Let him know ahead of time what you expect of him, and what will happen if he doesn't follow the rules.
-Offer him choices whenever you can, even if they seem unimportant to you. (Do you want to make your bed before or after breakfast? Do you want to put away the blocks or the train first? Do you want apples or carrots for your snack? Which shoe do you want to put on first?)It will give him a sense of control over his world, which is probably what he is trying to gain through tantrums.
-Recognize his good behavior and reward it with your attention. Read him an extra story at night if he's had a good day.
Our son is 20 now, and gave us some clashes of will as a teenager too. Although we had some tough times, these stubborn streaks turned out to be the hallmark of a very persistent, independent young man.

Sounds like my son. He was evaluated by the Early Childhood Development program (the one for ages 3-5 through public school system - it picks up where First Steps leaves off) and discovered he had developmental delays (trouble calming himself once he gets worked up). He was in their preschool for a year and went to kindergarten right on time. Now they are finding out he has mild-to-moderate asperger's syndrome (still in middle of evaluations). Some of the early warning signs were the hours-long tantrums and typical discipline (time outs, corner, toys taken away, etc) being totally ineffective.

I recommend you get him evaluated. You can try reading parenting books about so-called strong-willed children but if your son is like mine you'll just toss them into the trash after a few chapters. Having a child who refuses to go to timeout for an hour is not strong-willed. Having a child through an hour-long tantrum is not strong-willed. Strong-willed is having to constantly walk your child to the time-out spot for 8+ hours until he stays for 4 minutes. Strong-willed is dealing with listening to him scream and cry for a 5+ hour long tantrum. It's having to watch your wording for every phrase you utter... saying "I don't want to see you hitting your friends" is a challenge because now he's thinking "I can hit but only if she doesn't see me... let's see how many times I can hit without her seeing me". You need to say "do not hit". Unless you've had this child, you can't know how to deal with it and have no right giving advice.

Really try to give him a special one-on-one time each week. It could be something simple like going for ice cream Sat afternoon or taking the car to the car wash. I have 3 kids under 7 so I know it's hard with a newborn but it can be done. My son's behavior got alot worse the 1-2 months after each daughter was born but improved greatly once the weekly one-on-one time started. You can find time - let daddy deal with the baby for an hour.

You say he screams until you get tired of it. What do you do to make him stop? Give in?
Unless there is some mental problem,which I doubt, your son is capable of learning to behave. You must take control. No more giving in. He got this way because he learned how to get what he wanted at a very early age, and he is very smart now. He is used to being the center of attention; now you need to make mom and dad the center of his attention. Tantrums are for 2 year olds, then they learn.

This child needs a swat on the bottom, not for punishment but for getting his attention. Swat, then send to room or corner for at least an hour, but I think at this point 2 hours or more. If it is later in the day, say 5:00, the punishment should last until bedtime- send to room (no TV), can only come out for bathroom, and take supper to him on a plate. No matter how much he begs, pleads, cries, do not give in and do not yell or lose your temper.
You might have to sit outside his door to make sure he does not come in.
This is not going to be easy for several days. He is going to scream and try to come out. Be prepared. Have dinner made up ahead of time. You can hold your other child as you sit outside his door. Do not answer his pleading unless he opens the door, then say "no, you can't come out yet" and close it again.

Listen to your husband. I'm sure he has ideas on discipline. Women have a tendency to try to be soft on their kids; we are doing them a disservice. Be consistent. Let hubby take control when he is home.

If he has toys out in his room, let him know he must pick them up. No dinner unless he washes his hands. And all the other rules that you have. If he fusses, doesn't do it, tell him "we can do this the easy way or the hard way" and then let him make the choice. The hard way being sent to his room for 2 hours and then, coming out only if he does the requested chore.
I would love it if you would let me know how it works.