Is It Inappropriate for a Married Man to Give Presents to a Female Co Worker?

I have to say that, if my husband was doing this and I asked him to stop - he would. And I would be very suspicious if he got defensive about it too. But that's just me.

What kinds of gifts does he get his male friends? Are they along the same lines as what he's buying this woman? Are the gifts personal? Is this woman young enough to BE his daughter?

One of the first things I would do is ask him how he would feel if you were handing out gifts to male coworkers.

I have been the recipient of many gifts from international trips that my colleagues went on. Some were from married men and some were from married women. My husband never thought twice of my receiving these gifts. I worked for an older gentleman that bought me expensive birthday & Christmas gifts - his wife also sent me her 'old' Dolce & Gabbana coats & Armani suits - I was the daughter they never had. Sometimes it is exactly as they say - just a gift for a co-worker.

Does he give ALL the woman, at his work gifts? If not, it is inappropriate.

Unless he gives presents to his other coworkers, I'd tell him that it looks like he's having an affair because he talks about her all the time and gives her gifts.

I'd be totally suspicious and , not it's not your fault. He's the one behaving badly.

IMO, it is inappropriate for your husband to give a gift to a female coworker. You said he loves to give presents to his friends, but what exactly is he giving to "male" coworkers.

It sounds a bit fishy but I don't think a letter is going to cut it. You need to just sit him down and say, "it's going to be difficult for me to express this, but I want you to know how this makes me feel...." and mention how you think the gift-giving could be taken in the wrong way by his other coworkers (i.e., affair) and ask him to stop. It's not so hard for him to walk up to his coworker and say, "hey, I woulda gotten you something too, but it makes my wife uncomfortable." Any decent woman who has ever been in a relationship would understand where you are coming from. I'd also ask him how he would feel if you consistently received gifts from a male friend innocent or not.

I have a male co-worker & friend to whom I have occasionally given small gifts. HOWEVER, he is not the only co-worker to whom I have given a gift in my 8+ years at this company.

My husband has met him and would say he's "our" friend, even though we don't really socialize much. Early on, as this colleague and I were becoming friends, I realized that that he and my husband needed to know each other or we couldn't be friends. The colleague didn't balk at that. And he is married now too, with babies, and a wonderful wife.

So, you see, I have no issues with male-female friendships, but one has to proceed with care and consider's one's spouse. If I always gave this co-worker gifts, or if I ONLY gave this co-worker gifts, then that would be inappropriate. And the way you describe this....it seems like your husband is discounting your feelings all together, and that seems wrong.

I think I would be a little bit uncomfortable with it.

Does he hang out with her outside of work, like he would his other male co-worker buddies?

yeah, wrong. when he's on vacation with the family, the last thing he should be thinking about is what he is going to buy her.

If he loves getting presents for his friends, what does he give and how often? Is the amount and type of gifts he gives her consistent with what he gives his male co-workers?

Maybe it's innocent in his eyes, but is it in hers? it's better not to ever entertain those kinds of thoughts. Modest birthday, Christmas, get well, wedding and baby shower gifts are the only ones that are EVER appropriate.

if you dont approve it is wrong period

Basically it's WRONG.....

It sounds pretty iffy so I see your concern. He's letting you know he's doing these things so he isnt doing it behind your back, but seriously I think it is inappropriate unless it's maybe his personal secretary that always has his back at work maybe?..... there are some blank areas so it's kinda hard to give a complete answer. I know I've had male coworkers that I enjoyed having lunch with in the work cafeteria and it was not an affair by any means... just two co workers that were friends. He brought me a cool keychain from Holland when he and his wife vacationed there.... It was nothing but I suppose it could have "looked like something" to some people.
I'd have a good heart to heart with Hubby, let him read these posts, maybe he'll understand the warranted insecurity it is causing you... I agree with the other posters that say "if he's giving gifts to EVERYONE" it would be a different deal and not so troublesome.

My wife and I usuallly bring things back from where we go on vacation for my co-workers or her co-workers, but not just one co-worker unless that co-worker brings us stuff back from vacation when they go.

But since it bothers you, then he shouldn't do it. If I did something like this and my wife was bothered by it, I'd simply stop. But I'm the guy who is so in love with his wife that I actively look for things I can bring home to surprise her with (flowers, gifts, poems, etc.).

Good luck to you and yours.

A letter would be wonderful...this situation has no where to go but bad. Nip it in the bud! Most men don't even like taking the time or energy to find the perfect gift for their spouse or child...noetheless a co-worker.

Having been "friends" with a married man myself...your instincts are dead on, and a mans' best defense is a good offense. If something hasn't begun...it will.

Don't accuse, cajole, cry, or beg...decide what your feelings are...what you are willing to put up with...and hold fast. Don't back down. Decide what you want, need, and feel...tell him...and allow him the choice. Fix it or walk...no ifs, ands, or buts.

It's causing strain in your marriage and starting fights. It needs to stop NOW. Ask him to put YOUR needs and feelings first!!!!! She has a husband. Tell him HER husband will buy her gifts "not my husband"!
Be strong and fight for this. If he truly has NO feelings for this woman, he will put you first.

Do your own poking before you make the judgement. It depends on your husband's position at work, depends on his personality, and on the occasion for which he is giving the gift. First I would check to see if the lady coworker he gives it to is married or single. Find out what the relationship is at work in terms of team mate, etc. Also ask what type of gifts he gives to the men. Then suggest to your husband that you are not comfortable with him buying the gifts, and that you would prefer you buy the gifts for these people instead and see his response. If he objects, then it's a problem. If he does not and sincerely loves to give gifts (depending on what) then he would not object, because then (1) you would KNOW what to get that IS appropriate (2) He is involving you in the process (and hopefully you can bring the gift to this person yourself and see what the response is) - which would mean to me he is being open and honest. I would suspect two things that if his buddy made him upset, he could be offended that his dear old buddy would think something like that OR it could mean he is giving way too much gift that it is signalling a red flag to his buddy. So, sometimes what looks one way is probably not so - but do your own investigation before you just get upset and keep probing to see if your husband sticks with the same story.

I'm guessing that if the girl is happily married that this probably feels really wierd to her too. You need to set things strait. Good luck with everything!

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My old coworker used to buy me things he knew I couldn't afford, and I used to help him out alot. He always treated me like his daughter (he had 2 about the same age) He also knew my parents weren't very involved so I think he felt kind of bad for me in that sense.... He also used to give me advice and make sure I got my oil changed (like a dad should do) At first I thought maybe he was flirting cause I had never had anybody do something like that for me... But as I got to know him better I also felt like his motivations were sincere:) SO, it could be completely harmless, however on the other hand their are the situations which are not..... I would say give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe get to know the co worker too so you can feel more comfortable or figure out if you have a right to be concerned:)

I used to have a male co-worker who was my work buddy. We frequently had lunch together and spoke on a regular basis. He gave all of the women in the office chocolates on Valentine's Day, but he gave me a bigger box. On my 30th birthday, he bought me a gift and left an "Over the Hill" gag on my desk (he was 47 at the time).

He was a big baseball fan, and when I had 1 extra ticket to the baseball game I invited him to come along with me and my little girls. He, his wife and 2 boys also came to my daughters' birthday parties.

There was absolutely nothing ever going on between us. We were just friends. I'm only telling you this because other moms seem to think your husband's friendship is fishy. Just because he has a friendship with someone of the opposite sex does not mean there is anything more than that going on.

I have had a married man give me a present at work... but he gave ALL of his women co-workers the same gift (his teenage daughter made really beautiful ear rings and he brought some for all of us on Christmas). I think it's a little strange that he's only giving this one specific woman gifts.

I like Michelle Q M's response. Ask him if it's ok for you to buy gifts for your male coworkers. Or, if you do not work, you giving a gift to any male - whom you consider a friend - that "needs" little things...

I think whatever your gut feeling is saying about this situation is probably closest to the truth. You can rationalize away his behavior so you don't come away looking like the crazy, jealous wife. He can rationalize his behavior, too. Pay attention to your intuition, first. It's usually right. We have sort of lost that ability to trust our instincts because of what society dictates with behavior.
How the hell does he know that she needs a knife, anyways?? Was he over to her place? Was she trying to slice something or cooking for him? Come on, A., don't be afraid to get to the bottom of this conundrum. Clearly ask him to stop buying her things and set better boundaries. If he fusses about it then you know there's something shady going on with your husband and his co-worker.

You need to let him know that this hurts you. That should be enough to make him stop.

I do not want to be the voice of bad here, but I had to share my story. They say that when you find out your husband is cheating chances are you already know her name because he has talked about her. My husband had a friend/co-worker. They worked out at the gym together, and called and texted all the time. I asked him to limit his contact with her because it made me uncomfortable, and he turned it on me like I did not trust him or want him to have friends. Turned out at this point he was already sleeping with her. Ask you husband to limit contact for you, and if he won't push him on why.

Forget about writing your husband a letter. Get a divorce lawyer instead. He is definately playing you - making you think you are wrong for your suspicions. VERY MANIPULATIVE. This woman is young enough to be his daughter? So your competition is a young hottie. Wonderful. Your husband is definately cheating on you w/ her. Go get your divorce!!! So sorry. P.S. Presents aren't the only thing he is giving her, if you know what I mean.

Inappropriate at work. Inappropriate for a married man to give another woman a gift unless she is his wife or actual daughter.

Hun, you really need to talk to you husband about how you feel. All these doubts and emotions are going thru your head and you start feeling worse about the situation more and more. He needs to understand your his wife and has to respect your feelings. Talk to him and express yourself you'll feel a lot better. And i dont think you need a divorce lawyer...you just need to talk and express...best of wishes God Bless

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Hun, you really need to talk to you husband about how you feel. All these doubts and emotions are going thru your head and you start feeling worse about the situation more and more. He needs to understand your his wife and has to respect your feelings. Talk to him and express yourself you'll feel a lot better. And i dont think you need a divorce lawyer...you just need to talk and express...best of wishes God Bless

You've expressed yourself very well here.

When you express your feelings, you never need to be a whiz with words, you simply need to be direct.

Your letter needs to state just what you have here... first and foremost, his gift giving bothers you. His "buddy" is misinterpreting his gifts. Because he is a married man, him giving gifts to a co-worker is inappropriate. Then, state what you would like him to do, which would be to stop giving this person gifts. Lastly, state what you want from him for your marriage, remind him that you love him & cherish your marriage & that this is very important to you.

When he reads your letter, have confidence & know that we are all entitled to our feelings & that you are validating yours & you have aright to do so, YOU are not at fault here.

I wish you the best of luck in this situation!! :)

Is it inappropriate? Maybe. Does it matter? Sounds like it doesn't matter to you. And that's absolutely the right answer. It only matters how you feel. This woman is out-girling you right now. She's young and vulnerable (hysterectomy) and your hubs is probably attracted to that (whether he realizes it or not). She needs me kind of thing. Rather than focus on what he is doing "wrong", focus on being the woman he married, who needs him. Stop doing stuff for him, stop acting like the super hero mommy (this really turns men off), show him that you need him, show him that you think he's super hot and desirable. If you don't believe those things, then why are you married to him? Time for a reality check.

Words to use...

"Honey, I'd like to talk to you about something. Is now a good time?"

"I feel uncomfortable about this situation with XYZ. My brain says don't worry but my heart won't stop feeling insecure. I don't want to wonder about the attraction between you two. What do you think?"

He'll probably prattle on about it being nothing. Just keep saying "I feel weird. I feel insecure. I don't want to worry. What can we do?"

Worst case, ask him to invite her to something with both of you attending. Get to know her before you judge her. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my man talking to another woman that was not also MY friend. So become friends. Take the emotional charge out of this connection. Ya know? Don't talk bad about her (this will only reinforce his desire to "protect" her.) Outgirl her by being vulnerable to him, showing him that you need him too.

Let me know if any of this resonates.

is he buying as many presents for his other friends? I have been good friends with a lot of male co-workers and have received gifts from some but the were inexpensive gag gifts (I was constantly annoucing how many hrs and minutes till quitting time so one time this guy I worked with bought me a stop watch lol) if he is buying these expensive (mp3 player...really?) for her and not his other friends I would be suspicious

You really need to let him know that you are concerned about the gift giving and its giving you a funny feeling. If he is able to convince you that it's all on the up and up, it's all good.... if he can't then you need to push the envelope a tad further until it's all illuminated and you have no doubts. Doubts grow into hysteria.... do not let it get to that.

I think Writing a letter can be very helpful you tend to remember things that you would otherwise forget in the heat of the moment, I would be upsett as well how ever he seems to be telling you about it and guilty guys would tend to be way secretive about the sittuation. I really hope that this is just him trying to be a nice person, but the nice person would also care about how it is making you feel... I really hope it works out well My best thoughts to you :)

My question is... How would his "friend" feel if it was her husband doing this for you?

I don't think it's appropriate. But the truth is, no matter what he thinks, he needs to stop, because it makes you feel uncomfortable (and understandably so). So it doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong, or whether someone else thinks it's okay, etc. If something he's doing is bothering you, he needs to stop. And to take things a step further, if it's not bringing you two closer together, then that means it is driving you apart, and he needs to stop. Be firm about it, and hopefully he will understand and back off. He may have to see her everyday, and work with her, but the relationship does not need to be anything beyond that. Good luck to you.

Sometimes when you work on a job, you develop work relationships with people because you see them everyday. I don't believe anything is going on except that he has found someone to mentor. Do you have a daughter? Just asked? If so how is his relationship with her? Do he feel like he's missing anything. I've had father figures on the job also. Most of them just felt like I was a daughter to them. Nothing else and nothing more.

Maybe you can meet her and her husband and see how she really is as a person. They both could need your mentoring as you stated they are younger.

Good Luck..

Yes I think it's inappropriate. And I think you should just tell him how you are feeling. I had a (married) male coworker who I became close friends with. Still are, but he moved a few years back so now it's the occasional email. Anyway, back in the day I'd write him an email and say "good morning sunshine!" .. He told me once that his wife saw that and did not like it and asked me to stop. I did. I didn't mean anything by it, but I respected that it made his wife uncomfortable. I've met his wife several times and I did not hold it against her. If my husband got emails from a female coworker that had an endearing term like "sunshine" I guess that would bother me a little. So my point is if it makes you uncomfortable , tell your husband and he should respect what you say and change it.

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? It reminds me of your situation. Watch it, and take it to heart.

I just read this to my husband and his immediate response was that they are having an affair. Just thought it would be interesting to hear what a man thought about this.

You should show your husband these posts, maybe he'll see that he can pull the wool over your eyes but not everyone else's.

Good luck :)

Well, what's his work relationship with this woman? Is she his boss? I ask because any time the holidays come, a birthday comes, or I go out of town and my bosses (both married males), are aware of the fact I am going out of town to another country, I make it a point to bring them something small (less than $10), a little souvenir, out of consideration, and because of the fact they are my bosses and I have left them stranded without me being able to perform my job, so it sort of makes up for it. If she is his boss, then I think it's okay that he brings her something small when he is out of town. However, if they are at the same level of the corporate ladder and he only brings gifts for HER, and not the other co-workers, I'd also be thinking it's wrong. Anytime I bring a close co-worker a gift, I make it a point to bring the other co-workers something smaller/cheaper, but SOMETHING, so they don't feel left out, as I find it rude to give someone a gift in front of others and excluding the others, unless it's a boss, in which case, you're allowed to do this, but not a fellow co-worker.

Also, does he go to lunch with this woman alone all the time? I have gone out with my male bosses rarely, but only to discuss business, and I can count the times I have done so on one hand. I have no interest in them and I am sure that feeling is mutual. On occasion, another co-worker may join in, but if your husband is going out alone with her, it may look suspicious to others, and apparently it has, as another co-worker is trying to accuse him of hooking up with this woman.

For a co-worker to make such a strong accusation, there must be reasonable suspicion; maybe winks, giggles, patting on the shoulder, texting... just because you haven't seen the texts, doesn't mean they AREN'T there, he could just be deleting them. As others at his workplace are noticing, there must be something going on that is work-inappropriate and has crossed the line. He ought to be careful, as he could get reported and lose his job if anyone senses some sort of attraction between the two as most companies do not allow fraternization. This happened to a single male friend of mine, who was spending too much time at his single secretary's desk, and someone decided to report him for trying to hit on the secretary and he lost his job.

As to your husband needing her to download songs on the mp3 player, come on, seriously. If she can download songs, there's no reason he can't. Is he computer illiterate? He has probably decided to give the mp3 player to that woman and is using the download excuse.

If he is interested in mentoring her as he says he sees her as a daughter, I don't see why he didn't come to you and say "hey honey, there's this young girl at work who I think we should mentor for x reasons, why don't we set up lunch next weekend and you can meet her?" For him to never want to introduce her to you or do a double date with her and her husband seems like he is hiding something, from both you and the woman's husband.

I don't see why he can't be more open with you if he sees how much this is hurting and upsetting you. If he cares about you, he would stop hurting your feelings and keeping his friendship with this woman strictly cordial and work-related.

I think that it is inappropriate for him to do it so often. And I know my feelings would be hurt as well. But from what you said, I don't think there is a relationship between them going on behind your back. He seems very honest and open with you about what he is doing. To me, it sounds like he is innocently doing this. However, after you had stated your feelings with him the first time, I think he should have backed off. She is married, he is married, it just isn't appropriate, no matter how innocent it is.
I also have trouble speaking up, but you really need to on this one. Others have given good advice as well.
I hope all goes well and you two can figure something out. Good luck :)

I would just tell him how you feel. You could also ask him how would he like it if you came home from work everyday talking about a man at your job and wondering what you would buy for him? Then maybe he could see it from your point of view.
Maybe there is nothing going on because if there were why would he talk to you about it. It seems that he would be trying to keep his gift giving a secret if he were up to something.
I was also bad at expressing myself also with my husband but if you don't tell a man how you feel right at the moment the situation is brought up they usually act as if they don't know what you are talking about when you mention it at a later time. And then what you have to say loses its effect. This is what I found with my husband.

I think you need to put a stop to it. It sounds fishy to me.

I think you could just print out your post here and give it to your husband - it clearly states how you feel about this situation.

Also, you stated the co-worker was married - what if you and your hubby began spending time with both the co-worker and her hubby? Then you could all be friends and it may take the mystery out of the relationship between your husband and her?

I think that spouses can have friends outside their marriage but it is better if both spouses are friends with the "outsider", especially when the friend is the opposite sex. That way everything is open and above suspicion.

A long time ago when a boyfriend said to me 'so and so is just like my sister and she needs help because she is a single mom' he was cheating with her. Not to scare you but that one always raises red flags to me since then. And i'm not saying your husband is, but some guys are cocky like that where they like to flaunt it in front of you but without getting 'caught'. And I tell my husband the same thing, if it makes me uncomfortable, then it needs to stop. There's no rhyme or reason why it should carry on. No need to even write a long letter, thought there's nothing wrong with that but I think a simple 'it makes me uncomfortable and needs to stop that's it, reason enough, end of story. I doubt he is buying gifts for the whole office that sounds silly and could get expensive. Also fighting about it and him making you feel at fault is another red flag, it's his fault not yours.

Anna, Anna, I think you already know the answer to your question. I totally agree with J.L, a blind man could see that this is inappropriate behavior in the work place, and the bottom line is that you're uncomfortable and you're being effected y this behavior. Out of respect for you he just should amend his behavior. You have a right and a responsibility to communicate to him how you feel. When it gets to the place where you're checking his cell phone it's already gone too far. For your peace of mind and for the sake of your marriage, do what you know is right by confronting the issue agrresively and passionately.

Follow your instincts. This smells bad. Tell your husband's story back to him with this woman as though you are talking about someone else and note his reaction. Or tell him this story with you in the place of your husband with some young hottie as your friend and note his reaction asll in an attempt to explain how uncomfortable this makes you.

Actually you are quite good at expressing yourself I think we all clearly understand you and how much this upsets you -- if your husband doesn't understand where you are coming from perhaps counseling is in order?

I think you need to get to know this woman. And her husband. And try to ascertain their relationship.

My husband has a female assistant that travels with him on business. He gives her a birthday present. And at Christmas I help him shop for her a Christmas gift, as well as all of the other female assistants in the office. I've never thought anything of it.

I have a male assistant. We go to lunch together once a week. I don't think my husband has ever thought anything of it.

So it is possible to be innocent. But it does sound fishy. But I don't think you should be making accusations without examining the relationship a little more. Have them couple over for dinner or take them out for drinks and then observe.

Good luck.

Regardless of the true state of their relationship, it's causing you a lot of distress and that is enough reason for him to rethink how he is acting with this young woman.
How is your marriage (apart from this issue)? Do you feel like you and he are on the same page? Does he have a history of close friendships with women? If so, maybe he is one of those guys who 'gets' women and its a harmless friendship.
If not, it sounds like he may be having an emotional affair with her which can be almost as damaging as a typical affair. If you're wondering if that is the case, think about it this way: if he had wonderful news, who would he want to tell first? If he had awful news, who would he want to tell first?
Hopefully, their relationship is simply close but platonic. I do think however it is his job to make you feel comfortable about it. Try to talk to him about it again, if possible, and stress that even if it seems unreasonable to him, its very real to you and you'd like to work together with him to find ways to make his friendship with her less threatening.

Good luck,
M.

write a letter to yur own husband no way speak up the gifts must stop co worker must think things going on it is just not right behavior for a married man

No, I don't think this is appropriate. It's one thing for them to exchange birthday or holiday gifts, or perhaps if he sees something in a store ONE TIME that he knows is part of a collection she has or something, but to buy his wife a gift and buy her the same gift, as a just-because, no. He should not be habitually buying a female friend no-occasion gifts. Don't hide behind a letter. Tell him to his face that you feel this is highly inappropriate. Just the fact that it upsets you should be enough reason for him to stop. Maybe if you show him your post here, and he sees that just about every woman who responded said that it is not appropriate, will make him see that it is not just you be over emotional

I can see giving a little something if it is a close friend/coworker & it is their Bday or a Holiday..However doing this to this lady coworker how long has it been going on & you posted "he loves to give presents to his frineds"is this something new since he met this lady friend or has it been with others females/males???I would say it's a RED FLAG & begin with the ?'s to him..You must be hurt by this who does that unless they have LUST for the person or an affair.Just spill it with him be honest & open only you know how long it has been going on if not sorry to hear that but maybe he is adding in details here & there so for you can start asking him about her more.Being upset with a coworker thinking that they were having a relationship I hoe he isn't playing you out to be a fool.Please let us know it was all innocent if not I send you the best wishes