Is My Child the Only One That Time Outs Don't Work For??

I think the idea of time outs came around when my older two were young. I found the concept laughable. If you have a child that is obedient enough to sit in a chair without you standing over them you have a child that can have their offense explained to them and a real punishment dealt.

So I never used them since punishing myself for something my kids did just never sounded like fun.

Timeouts don't tend to work for spirited kiddos. And if any claim you just haven't tried hard enough (or been consistent enough), they probably don't have a spirited child. Another note: spanking doesn't seem to work on spirited kiddos either.

Read Mary Kurcinka's Book "The Spirited Child" to see if your daughter meets the description.

I'm currently reading "Positive Discipline" to see if this is the answer for us. My daughter seems to do much better when we can implement positive discipline, it's just so, so difficult for us (the parents) to implement it correctly. Sigh.

Hi Marcia,

I have always been against using time outs for 'punishment'. I used a variation of a timeout that was meant for my daughter to get control of herself. It removed her from a situation that was about to escalate or had escalated and gave her a chance to get a grip on herself. a rocking chair or holding a teddy bear are PERFECT examples. Or simply just pulling her from the situation and talking with you about what choice she should make.

You said yourself "she responds much better ie I will have her sit next to me for a time and then join back in to whatever usually reasonably fine or we would leave the area completely" I think that is PERFECT.

A consequence is different from a punishment. If you confuse the two... you confuse the child.

So - it's not a consequence that she has to sit quietly for 2 minutes.... it's a punishment. You are using discipline when you pull her, talk about what she SHOULD be doing, give her the chance to correct her behavior and make ammends and then resume her activity. The CONSEQUENCE if she doesn't do that.... is you leave the area completely.

I think you are doing it right.... but you are feeling like you MUST use timeouts. poppycock. hogwash.

use whatever HELPS your daughter LEARN how to behave the way you want her to behave.

good luck!

If your question is have timeouts failed for my child as well, then no... they have worked for my son and for our family... however... What you are describing is not really "timeout" the way it's recommended and touted as effective.

Take or leave the advice I'm about to give.

-Timeouts aren't really a punishment as much as an interruption of a bad behavior. If you are going to give a timeout, your daughter should know it is coming and have the choice of stopping the behavior on her own. (ie "dd, that toy belongs to Sam. I want you to give it back now or you will sit on timeout.")

-The 45 minute thing is just out of control. Put her on timeout, walk away, return in 3 minutes (one year per age) whether she was quiet and calm for the timeout or not. Don't engage in trying to calm her down... tell her why she was on time out, have her give you a hug and kiss and invite her to join you in some other pleasant activity.

Honestly, it sounds like your daughter is being allowed to take control of the discipline. If that's the case nothing is going to work any better. Whatever method you choose, you are going to have to be prepared to do it in earnest or it will be miserable for EVERYONE involved.

HTH
T.

The problem is that your not giving her a time out. your giving her the impression that she doesn't have to do it. if she has a hissy in the time out so be it. don't pick her up don't give her a cuddle. time out means just that. time out. put her in and let her be upset. at 3 and a half she is completely aware of what is going on. at her age she should have a 3 minute time out. put the timer on when she is sitting in time out. if she gets up it starts over and yes it may take 45 minutes the first few times but if you consistantly put her back and make her aware that time out does not mean she gets to have a pity party that mom will attend she will learn how it works. and separate note. time out is not something she should be rewarded for completing. time out is a dicipline tool. she needs to follow it. like it or not. it will work if you follow through. do you have the book 1,2,3 magic? if not get it quick. good luck

Timeouts don't work because she's decided that she doesn't want to do them and she's making your life miserable so that you don't make her do them anymore.

The point isn't that she feels abandoned or tortured, but she's a good little actress who is making your believe it! Your statement that she'd do a timeout for for a preschool teacher just fine shows that her "tortured" feelings are reserved just for making you "pay" for the timeout.

If you're giving in and cuddling her before she will complete the timeout then of course she's going to keep up the screaming and crying. It's working! Children don't do what doesn't work.

No child likes a timeout. And no child will just "sit there" without crying. I would put her in the spot and ignore her for 2 minutes. Ignore the screaming and crying. If she gets OUT of the chair then you put her back in and start the clock over. But if she's screaming and crying and sitting in the chair then you just ignore it. When the 2 minutes are over then you come back and calmly ask her if she understands why she's been put in timeout. If she answers you (but is still crying) that's okay! Let her know you're proud of her for sitting in her chair for 2 minutes, give her a cuddle and let her pull herself together and play.

Don't expect your child to just sit quietly for 2 minutes. As long as she's sitting in the chair and not moving then that's okay. Eventually if you keep calm it will work. Just keep up with the routine of it very matter-of-factly.

Also, you don't always have to do a time-out for every offense. Sometimes all that is needed is you tell her to give the toy back and apologize. Children don't need big punishments all the time, save the timeouts for those times when you've already told her 2 times and she hasn't listened.

i had a problem with time outs. my daughter and i are going every friday to a class focused on positive discipline. Instead of giving her a time out where she feels the need to cry and throw a bigger tantrum this method of time out focuses on the positive. Its called positive time out. Its a place where your child loves to be at, somewhere quiet that she feels like its her own little space. it can be constructed out of a big cardboard box painted with the things she loves. you can make it into a project with her. Or you can buy a cute little tent. when shes miss behaving or acting out just ask her "do you need some time for yourself? do you need to go into your thinking space?" another thing i learned that children may look like they understand the meaning behind sorry but they dont really grasp the subject and are forced to say something they dont mean. Instead of asking her to apologize try asking "ouch, you hurt your friend and now shes crying what can you do to make her happy? what do you think will bring a smile back to him/her?"
Just recently i was at target with my 15 month old and we passed by the toy isles. she wanted me to buy her a toy and i told her that we had plenty of toys at home that when we got home we would play together. as i was walking away she realized that i wasnt going to get them for her and she threw a fit. she started crying and way overreacting. she threw herself on the floor when i got close to her. there is no reasoning with children at this point. so instead i dropped down to her level looked her straight in the eyes and told her if she needed a hug. she understands what hugs are but she continued crying. so i told her that i needed a hug and i gently picked her up and hugged her for about a minute. i told her how much i loved her and kissed her. she totally forgot about the toys that where right beside us.

My little one makes a big deal out of everything. i had already given up hope and i was getting use to the tantrums. These sessions that we are going to are helping a lot. its shedding light on things im doing wrong and how i can fix them. Just like your little one mine is very good most of the time but when she gets into those fits well theirs no stopping her and the only person shes upsetting is herself.

Like Cheerful M, I honestly don't wait for DD to stop crying. I ignore her and say that she has to stay put and even if she hollers the whole time, as long as she stays on the mat, I let it go. Some people don't start time out til the child is quiet, but I just want her to sit. If she gets up, the timer restarts and I put her back. I don't even talk to her. I might be nearby (like if we are in the kitchen and she's in the dining room) but she doesn't get my active attention. When she's done, I get down on her level and talk to her about her actions and have her apologize to whoever she needs to.

Not everything needs a time out. If she threw a toy, I might just tell her if she does it again, the toy is gone and put THAT up.

For us, the time out is taking DD out of a heated situation or away from a fun thing that she was enjoying before she decided to act up. I suspect she will be like her sister where losing a sleepover will be quite effective.

If she didn't do a time out then what would you do if she threw something at someone? What do you think would work for her? She should do something. What about having to give up the toy? Friend of mine puts contentious toys in a time out of their own so nobody gets them. Or having to sincerely apologize to the offended party?

When they were older than your DD, my SD would watch you picking up the toy and throwing it away and not be phased. But if you told her she could not do some social activity, then you'd get her attention. Her brother would get upset with the loss of toy or loss of allowance. Every kid has something. Figure out her hot button item, but don't let her push yours.

Nope, I've observed for a long time that the same discipline tactics simply don't work equally for different children. Some kids, like your daughter, are deeply affected by separation or shaming, and the point of the discipline is lost in all that anguish. Some kids repond quickly and positively to an occasional swat, while for others it becomes a source of deep resentment and acting out, or puzzlement and even withdrawal. Some kids respond well to rewards charts, while others discover ways to wheedle ever larger bribes out of their parents.

What might work for your daughter is reasoning, and role-playing alternative behaviors. Share your expectations for a playgroup experience beforehand. Be specific, about sharing in your daughter's case, and tell her in advance that she can either share with a smile, or you will step in and give her a different toy when you see her keeping a toy away from another child. Not to punish her, but to make sure that all the children are treated fairly. Then playfully act out the situation a few times, complete with giggles, if that seems appropriate.

You can even reverse the situation, pretending your daughter is the one who had the toy taken away as a lesson in empathy. This worked quite well for my grandson when he was in that 2-3 age range. He really benefited from being taught a couple of different responses to typical problems.

Good luck!

No, you're not the only one. When my son was younger he would simply refuse to stand in time out. He seemed to really enjoy the opportunity to create a power struggle, so I stopped using them.
Your daughter sounds sensitive. Have you tried just pulling her aside for a reminder to play nice, then having her apologize and/or return the toy?

Mine was never an "easy time out child" either!
Our tme outs would usually result in me holding him immobilized in his "spot" -- then I just said "what the hell am I doing here?" and stopped the time outs.
What worked much better for him was to take his lovey, you know, the *thing* that they cannot bear to be without, or the favorite toy du jour and place it on the fridge, in plain view, for a set amount of time. An hour, a half hour, whatever you decide. That's what worked for us. Hope you find something better. Those time outs sound like no fun.

I did not reald all the response but do have to agree with Kristen. Time outs and taking things awaydo not work well at all for kids with spirit. Love that description. One of my older girls never did well with either type fo discipline. She still does not get it when I take something away. My little one is very much like her and it does not work. You have to figure out what does. Sometimes, for my 2 girls I mention, redirection is the ONLY thing that works. Whether redirecting to some type of chore or just a different task. and sometimes the scenario makes a big difference. Removing my youngest from a restaurant and telling her that if she cannot behave she will have to sit and wait for everyone to come back out works 60% of the time. For my older kids, they argue like you would not believe. My son and one of my girls can be "reasoned" with--as in quit or else. But the other one is just more challenging and needs the discipline to be different each time.

each of my kids responded differently to punishments... still do.

My 15 yr old. 1,2,3... time out. After the first time out I only got to 1... on a very rare occasion 2. We started time outs at 18mo.

My 12 yr old.. just saying if you don't stop right now you will get a time out. I have never had to count, just the prewarning was enough for him.

My 11yr old. We tried everything under the sun... finally with him 1 swift ( not hard, but hard enough to get his attention) swat on the bottom.

My 4 yr old time outs on the naughty steps dont work. He had to have his nose to the wall or corner. Otherwise there is too many distractions for him to still.

My 3 yr old is really a combo of naughty step, corner and a swat on the bottom. It always goes in that order. After not listening she goes to the step. Then if she still isnt listening putting her on the step doesn't work a second time, she wont stay and screams ( the neightbors have had to wonder what we are doing to her at times!) so now we know that we don't do it back to back... its straight to a coner for 3 mins. Again if she goes right back to the naughty behavior the corner isn't giong to work... so its a swat on the butt.

You have to try different things with different children. When they get older you will find that you need to tweek the punshiments again. After 5 the time out chair dont work imo but the corners are still great!