Is Sleep Training the Solution?

Oh you poor thing, you must be exhausted :-(
This is why I co-slept, I honestly don't know how parents function getting up and down all night, feeding, "training" whatever.
I needed my sleep!
We always put our babies down to sleep in their own bed, usually after a full feeding, just so we wouldn't get into the habit of baby needing to GO to sleep in our bed.
BUT, as soon as baby woke up for a feeding, s/he came straight into bed with us. There was no way in hell I had the inclination or energy to be up and down several times a night. Baby slept and nursed off and on the rest of the night.
Once they were weaned this stopped of course, around 18 months with each kid.
My husband actually liked waking up with mom and baby next to him, it was a sweet time in our marriage.
Consider that option, and good luck!!!

I did Ferber at six months with both of my kids. I had to. I couldn't sleep with the baby in bed with me. Even if I did manage to fall asleep I woke up every time the baby moved or made a noise, and I was terrified to roll over for fear of rolling onto the baby. It took about three days with each kid, and they were sleeping through the night (6 to 8 hours) in their own cribs. I had to sleep at night in order to be a functional parent during the day. There were times before Ferber when my babies were still nursing through the night and coming into our bed that I was terrified to even drive the car I was so exhausted. I felt the babies were much better off with a functional parent, even if it meant they had to cry a bit. They were fed, clean and safe.

First off your husband is very wrong to assume you should take all night duties just because you are a stay at home mother, you need your rest as well and no, you can not just "sleep when baby sleeps", that never works. If you are trying to night ween the thing to do IMO is move the crib back to the babies own room and have hubby get up and calm him when needed so he won't expect the breast. I am so glad my husband never assumed all baby stuff should fall on me just because we both agreed I would stay home.

My child is in his 20s, but when I read your post, I could feel every moment of desperate exhaustion I felt when he was an infant. I am so so sorry you are going through this, and I do think you are doing an amazing job of even putting sentences together, as tired as you are.

I finally did sleep training at 6 months - I agree that 5.5 might be a little too soon especially as he's growing and his food needs are greater than even a month ago. I think "Isn'tthisfun" has some wonderful suggestions about the hind milk - if you are just nursing until he falls asleep, he's not deep-feeding enough and isn't satisfied. I'm intrigued by the eat/awake/sleep order she mentions - I wish I had heard of that. But I think you have to choose one method and stick with it - the changing around is h*** o* you and baby because no one can get into a routine, and if you are debating whether this method or that will work, you're not going to be confident and resolute about it. I do think rubbing his back until he falls asleep will backfire in the long run though. If he's hungry, he's got to fill up. If he's not, he's got to self-soothe. A quick back pat with no pick-up works if he's in another room, but it doesn't work if he knows you're right there.

I think your husband is off base, frankly. So I'd suggest any of a number of possible solutions, with you choosing what works for you and your relationship. One is to pump, and let him feed the baby at night. Another is to pump and then send him off with the baby and the older child for an entire Saturday, while you go to bed - and I mean to bed. No cleaning the house or doing a quick child-free run to the grocery store. I like the suggestion below to write down every little thing you do during the day. I think maybe your husband is a bit clueless about what goes on during the day - including sunlight and traffic noises and phones ringing, so that "sleep when the baby sleeps" is a little naive when it comes to your body rhythms. You're not going to be rested even if you do squeeze in a 2 hour nap here and there. A third option is to have you go to a hotel for a day and sleep (yes really!), complete with earplugs and eyeshades and maybe one of those white noise machines, with a do-not-disturb sign on the door. And HE can stay home on a work day or on a Saturday with some pumped breast milk and some bottles, and HE can just sleep when the baby does since he thinks it's so easy! What that might create is a little more understanding of what you are going through, and that would get rid of his dismissive attitude so that you can work on a solution together.

Fourth, and this isn't a single solution, just an add-on to one of the above, you should think about is relaxing your standards - absolutely stop cleaning the house! It really doesn't need as much as you think, and he can do the rest of that when he gets home on whatever schedule works for him. Yes, you want to be available to your older child, and that's important - and I completely understand why you feel resentful all the time. So I'd let housework go entirely, so it can be done on the weekends (by hubby) or in the evening (by hubby), since you are doing what he said, which is to sleep with the baby. I also think your husband can get up at 5 AM on Saturday and Sunday, give the baby a bottle of pumped breast milk, and let you sleep in while he keeps the older one occupied with breakfast and play time too. If he thinks it's so easy for you 5 days a week, he can do it 2 days. I also think you might consider the possibility that you aren't producing enough milk at one feeding to fill that baby up - and that's because you are exhausted.

Overall, I think some men just don't "get it", not because they are all mean and selfish, but because they are totally inexperienced in this. He wants to keep the baby in your room for 6 months - fine, but he's not dealing with it all the time because you are the one doing the nursing. I think it's very helpful for them to experience a little of it, to help them understand (or, if necessary, insist on it) what a toll this takes on you. He works long hours I am sure, but then he is DONE at 6 PM! At least he has the option of veging out in the evenings or on the weekends. He needs a night or two of total sleep interruption to really "get it." And then you can be on the same page. If part of the reason you are cleaning the house is that he has standards there, he needs to relax those. If part of the reason you are doing it is to feel in control of something, anything, then it's kind of on you to back off a bit. No one in the universe, no reasonable person anyway, really expects a mom of an infant to have the house all together all the time. Put 2 baskets in the prime room (family room, whatever), and one gets baby stuff and one gets older kid stuff. That's called "cleaning" - period. Your 7 year old and your husband are perfectly capable of sorting through to find what's needed.

Anyway, I hope you find a solution. Yes, it's true that these days don't last forever. But when you're in the middle of them, they absolutely feel like forever! And depression is a serious condition and needs to be addressed in any number of ways. See that your husband helps you do that, and not by talking you out of it or minimizing the work you do all day.

Good luck!

No judgement here! You are so sleep deprived!

My daughter's were the same way therefore we co-slept. It was better for everyone. I also agree with your husband though. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Naps are a great thing.

Remember, this too shall pass.

One of my kids would not sleep train at all...nothing worked. It sucked big time. I think if it were me I would put his crib in his room (not next to your bed because he knows you are right there) and if he is hungry at night I would feed him but try not to let him fall asleep on the breast. Then put him down awake in his crib. And try to train him to soothe himself to sleep instead of using you as his crutch. It was a long, slow process in our family. You definitely have to reach deep down inside and find more patience than you ever knew you had. And being sleep deprived...this is so hard. I wish you lots of luck.

Wow... I can imagine that you are exhausted! I have a feeling that the baby is just snacking all night..... so he does wake up, somewhat hungry, gets a bit of warm milk in his belly, and dozes off again... is there anyway you can be sure to give him a full feeding, so that he is at least sleeping for longer stretches? It also sounds like he is using you as the pacifier..... the sucking is what puts him back to sleep.....

One thing that I did when my kids were that age (granted, that was 25-30 years ago!), was when they woke up to nurse, I ended up nursing them, and then when they didn't want to go back to sleep, I put them in the swing.... I dozed on the couch while they dozed in the swing.... no, it wasn't the best solution, but I needed some sleep, also.....

You (and I) will get plenty of flack for it, but read "On Becoming Babywise" and see what you think. There is a lot of stuff in it, but the main point (for me) was to order your baby's activities in a certain way. It's less about scheduling and more about ordering. You'll see what I mean once you read it.

Rather than eat, sleep, cry, eat, sleep, cry (with cry being the awake time before they eat again and go happily off to sleep land) the book suggests ordering the activities this way: Eat, awake, sleep; Eat awake, sleep.
The only time you skip the "awake" portion and go straight from eat to sleep is at bedtime.

I can't speak for all parents and all babies, but I can say that I did it with both of mine and they were wonderful night sleepers. Son slept 6 hours at a stretch at night (considered "through the night" for an infant) at 12 weeks. Daughter began sleeping a minimum of 7 hours at 6 weeks old.

The book also makes mention of "snacking" versus feeding. If your baby only snacks all the time (which happens when they begin using your breast as a pacifier) then they only get fore milk, which is watery and thin. If they eat a full meal and empty a breast, they get hind milk, which is thicker and fattier, and helps them stay satisfied longer.

Just another idea to consider.

--
Oh, and with baby #1, I had never heard of the Ferber Method. Even though son slept wonderfully once he was asleep, GETTING him to sleep from about the age of 10 months until he was probably 18 months was a 2 hour (or more) nightmare for me. Every. Single. Night. It was awful.

I heard about (and read about) Ferber when our daughter was a newborn and we did the Ferber Method with her around 6 months. In 3 nights, lights out was a peaceful, happy time for us all again.

Personally, I think you might want to check out both of these, since one addresses falling asleep on their own, and one is principally about getting them to be content and sleep longer at night. They work beautifully together.

Vent away.. totally understandable. We've all been there.

I did different things with all my babies. My first, I did the Ferber method. It worked, but it was the hardest thing I ever did. My friend talked me into it and I was desperate.

My second baby, I actually didn't have time to think about his naps or sleep. I was chasing a toddler. He slept much better. I simply put him down when he was tired, I kept him up later, and fed him before I went to sleep (so if he went to bed at 8 pm, I just nursed him at 10 or 11 pm before I slept), and he got through to about 5 am. Then I'd do a quick feed, and we'd snooze until we had to get up.

With the next one, I did the same thing except I went to bed earlier. So I fed baby say around 8, I'd go to bed around 9 pm (so tired with other kids) and husband would bring me baby to nurse when he went to bed - around 11 pm. People thought we were nuts for waking baby up to feed, but I'd much rather that than baby waking me an hour later. I was half asleep and he'd lay baby in bed with me, then when I was done nursing, he burped baby and put in crib. Crib can be in your room.

That worked really well for us. Eventually baby slept later and later, and then we tried skipping that late night feed and baby slept through.

I would suggest trying to get baby to sleep on his own (try phasing out the rubbing of back). And do it at nap time too - try to get him fed, burped and really tired and stick in his crib. Get him used to going to sleep more on his own. I used to wait till mine had their eyes half closed and tuck them in.

Good luck :)

Oh and hubby is probably well intentioned. Men are kind of clueless.

no wonder you're on edge. you're horribly sleep-deprived.
i'm pretty angry at your DH too. you need help, not judgment. it's nice that he rocked the baby back to sleep for a few, but you need way, way more than that.
i'm sorry but i do think your baby is too young to 'sleep train.' that doesn't mean you should be her pacifier. i would get her used to bottles as well as breast (and if pumping is more than you can bear right now, use formula. you need less pressure, not more.) and tell your stupid DH that if he wants the baby in the room with you and thinks it's so dang easy to catch up on sleep in hour-long increments, he gets to try it out. you move to a different room, and your DH gets up and gives the baby a bottle when he cries for as long as it takes for you to get well-rested and feeling relaxed and calm and competent again.
what's with the 6 month deadline? i mean, 2 weeks? he's willing to have a cranky, exhausted, desperate wife because of some arbitrary date in his head? in 2 weeks the baby will magically start sleeping longer?
lay down the law to your DH, let the housework go for now until you're a bit more rested up (seriously- it will be okay) and use what little resources you have to muster up patience with your 7 year old.
your DH needs to man up and give some concrete help, and right now.
what is 'ODS'? 'other'? 'odd?' 'olfactorily-challenged?'
khairete
S.

Hi D.,

Sleep deprivation is soul shattering. And a nap during the day doesn't replace a good night's sleep. I enjoyed the Sleep Sense solution with my youngest https://sleepsense.net/. But you really do need to get your husband on board, because you will need help. Perhaps invite him to read the materials and then come up with a plan together. By 5.5 months, your baby is big enough to sleep mostly through the night and to sleep in his own room, if that is what will help you get a better night's sleep. If what you are doing now is not working for you, then you have the power to fix it--even if your husband thinks that what you are doing is the "best" or "right solution" (like having baby sleep in your room). I wish you the best, and hope you can find some rest soon.

-M.

Sleep training shouldn't be before 6 mo. so he is too young. I would try a dream feed and a pacifier. I think he probably does need to eat - that's a growth spurt age.

I think that not only are you tired, but your DH doesn't understand what being a stay at home parent entails. I infamously wrote down everything I did in a day, including all the child care, every one of DH's phone calls, every errand, every toddler potty training accident...DH wasn't happy with my list, but I needed him to SEE WHAT I DID and that no, I couldn't just nap when she did all the time. Your DH is also capable of helping with the house and childcare.

As you know, every baby is different. Methods that work for other babies may not work with your baby. There are many methods of sleep training so maybe it's just a matter of finding a method that works for your baby.

Also, he might need more time to sleep through the night/sleep longer stretches. My son didn't sleep through the night until he was 9 months old! We fed him in the middle of the night until then, but he eventually got there. He also slept in the bed with us until then.

Lastly, losing temper, being snappy, and depression are probably caused by sleep deprivation. You'll feel better (and be more patient) once you get some sleep. Is it possible for your husband to take a day or two off work to watch the baby so that you can catch up on your sleep? You need to have a serious chat with your hubby about this.

Why don't you try a pacifier? Babies need to suck, it's instinctual. That might solve everything.

As for sleeping all night, well, most babies really don't do that. Only a few people get a baby that goes to sleep when they want it to sleep then stays asleep until they want it to wake up.

Babies are not designed for going hungry all night. They have tummies the size of their hands. They are supposed to wake up, even more so when their body is gearing up for a growth spurt.

Sleep deprivation is so hard!!! I do remember those days.

I know that at 5 1/2 months, some people will tell you that your baby does not need to eat at night. That's really unfortunate, because the thing is, many, many babies do need to eat at night.

Your son is hungry. He does need to eat. This is why he keeps waking up. Sometimes you can get a hungry baby to fall asleep ... for a little while. But their tummy always wakes them up.

Feed him, and know that it's ok to feed him. Some babies really do wake up every few hours at night to eat. Just feed him. He will start sleeping for longer stretches, but he needs to eat.

We used Ferber it worked for us. Ferber can be done even of you are co sleeping. Best to have your husband on board before you do it because Ferber might be 3 or 4 very sleepless nights.

Best
F. B.

feed more during the day, when he wakes at night wake with him and give a full feeding, if baby doses off wake them and have them eat more. (burping and a diaper change usually did the trick for my kids) hang in there, it will get better someday!