Just Found out...he Cheated with Step-daughter's Mom Years Ago - Long

Do you love him?
Is the cheating still going on?
If you want to kick him out, why bother with therapy?
I would have a frank discussion with him, and see how things go from there. If the cheating is way in the past, leave it there. Telling you his horrible secret makes him feel better, and you worse. By not telling you he is sparing you the details (and the drama that is now starting to unfold).
Trust him? I would make him earn that back big time, but kicking him out when ex is coming back on the scene sounds like an invitation for trouble.

Ok. So he cheated on you before and you forgave him. The fact that he cheated on you with his daughters mother is very deceitful, but the fact that he was seeking the advice of a therapist, shows some signs of remorse or regret on his part. I understand your frustration, but it was 7 years ago. Not saying that he is right, but if he's been a stand up guy since then, I say try to leave the past in the past. The fact that you still check his phone, emails, etc, shows no trust, not that I blame you. But I believe that the minute you forgave him for his past infidelities, it should stay in the past. You guys have 4 children, your in the middle of a custody battle and you basically need eachother to get through these obstacles. I'm not saying to ignore it and it will go away. I'm just saying to think things through before making any drastic decision. Good Luck!

And his ex "wins"... Right? Isn't that what she wanted--to drive you two apart, mess-up your relationship, break apart your family, be the most influencial parent. You're headed into a custody battle and you're talking about kicking him out of the house-?! That's not the stable loving united front you want to portray when you're about to fight for custody.

Did he cheat recently? I know you've just found out about it, so you're processing it as if it is new information. But, you already knew there was something unfulfilled with him to seek something with the ex-girlfriend. I mean, you've already worked through it, right? It's just more painful and upsetting because of who it was with--and you don't like her! So your pissed (and understandably). But it sounds like his cheating with his ex happened the same time as with the other woman... To me, whatever factors rationalized (in his mind) or influenced his cheating with one woman also influenced his cheating with the other. On a certain level, it's water under the bridge--because you've already dealt with why he cheated seven yrs ago.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry. You have every reason to feel hurt. But keep in mind that, unless you think he is the same man that he was 7 years ago, keep your perspective. Focus on your priorities. Recognize that his ex probably did it to get leverage and probably was a little jealous of you. What's the old saying: Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. You're about to fight for your step-daughter. You need to be a united team.

There's nothing wrong with telling him, "I loathe the man you were when we married. The more I find out about the things you did, the more shocked I am that we married. It's a good thing you're not the same person--but it's going to take me a little while to work through this. Because it may have happened years ago, but I just found out about it. It's "new" to me! I am so angry that I'm tempted to make you leave the house for a while, but I know that your ex is hoping I'll do just that. And as pissed as I am, I will not let her manipulate me with my marriage and our family."

Its sounds like back then he was on a cheating spree. It was a long time ago though, do you think he has changed? Maybe that was a time in his life that he was going through a lot mentally. If hes a different person now I hope you can work past it. But if you think its still going on there is no reason to keep putting yourself through this. There HAS to be trust! More counseling.....

.

I'm sorry to say but cheating is a deal breaker for me. Especially since he seems to cheat repetedly. Not only has he lied, broken his vows, and destroyed your trust, he could have exposed you to any number of diseases. He could be infected with herpes, HIV, ect ect and passed it to you. So far you only know of one woman he cheated with there could be others, nope deal breaker. This man is no prize.
I know you are concerned about the custody issues with his daughter and you love her very much but it's his responsibility, not yours. Hopefully you can arrange something with the court to have some visitation since you are the mother of this girl's siblings. It's too bad for this little girl since she needs a stable home, my heart does go out to both of you.
But you, J.B. deserve to be treated better than this man is treating you.

Honestly, this happened a long time ago, BEFORE your counseling etc. This is not a new issue, just a bad cover-up of an old issue. What would be accomplished by making him move out NOW? I get it about the deception, but it occurs to me that he may have been hiding this for exactly the reason it's so hurtful to you... because this is a woman you have to know for the rest of your life!

What he did is wrong, and disgusting and every horrible thing... but he did it when he was doing a LOT of wrong and disgusting things. If you guys have been able to move past that time, I think you need to let this old betrayal live in the time in which it occurred and move forward.

Go back to counseling to work yourselves through this and avoid tying other issues (custody etc.) to this already stressful situation.

HTH
T.

If you truly had things worked out you would not be still looking through his email I would say that is a practice you have to stop doing if you want things to work. Are you going to tell him that you sneak and do that? Again this was a long time ago but you must still feel threatened so fess up and tell him what you did so he can explain what he did. At least you did not find emails to his ex.

This isn't new. It was 7 years ago and you already knew that he cheated. Let it go. You have too much to deal with right now to dig up old things. The two of you need to be one cohesive unit to deal with the ex(es) and to raise the children. Let it go and move forward.

Are you sure that when you found out he was hooking up with the ex gf it really wasn't the sd's mom and he used the other ex to hide it? It would tick me off forever knowing that he did that right after you were married. Do not let him know you had have his password so that you can continue to watch his moves like he needs to be watched. If she's coming back into your lives you will want to know if he is sending her emails and stuff. See this as your way of getting back at him- checking his emails and getting back at the ex by trying to keep your sd in your home. Don't let her black mail your husband. For all you know she may have black mailed him or tricked him into sleeping with her to have him right where she wants him.

You are in a tough spot. Does he know that you know? Talk to him. What would make me madder than that he cheated (since you already knew he cheated) is that because he was too coward to be honest he didn't do what was best for his daughter.

You will not be able to keep him moving out a secret...... From the courts, from your step-daughters' mother, from anyone...... I suggest that you just keep trucking forward!

Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel. Discuss what you each need from the other. Go see a Pastor and get some Christian counseling. Start attending church together (if you don't already) as a family. Set up some ground rules and start building the trust again.

Good luck!

If everything else is OK, i say talk to him about it and work things out. It's a very good sign that he told his therapist about this info b/c that means he's being completely honest with his therapist which is a good start. Plus, while this news is new to you, it's actually something that happened a long time ago before the counseling and the pact to try to make things work. I know its hard to see when you're the one in the situation but if you look at it objectively, i think that a talk is in order, not a move out. Sorry you're going through this though -- it's all much easier said than done. Best of luck with everything..

Are there other probs in the rel.now?

Wow. You have a lot going on. Broken trust, lies, repeated cheating. Yes, counseling is a must - even though another poster said why bother if you're kicking him out. You need counseling no matter what.

I see a huge legal problem in front of you. Yes, your husband has to solve the issue of paying child support for a daughter he has custody of. But what is your plan? To get custody of his daughter and then kick him out and keep the SD with you? That's not going to work, either emotionally or legally. So, he needs to fight for custody if his daughter and an end to child support if that's what he wants. If he's using your stable home situation as a justification for custody, he's on thin ice. If he leaves the house, his daughter either goes with him or goes to her mother. You cannot keep this info from her mother - either legally or practically. You don't think the SD will mention that Daddy isn't around?? Even if there is no legal separation, if he's not living there, it's an issue. And you will get in a huge quandary for being deceptive about it.

And the kids have a right to some stability. In my mind, that doesn't necessarily mean 2 people staying together for the "sake of the kids." That's almost never a good idea if the underlying issues haven't been worked out.

So, you and your husband need to have some frank conversations and get into therapy. I understand why you looked into his email - you don't trust him. But doesn't that mean that you two actually didn't work through everything the last time? Meantime, a therapist can help you decide how, what and when to tell the children.

Good luck to you.