Life Insurance Drama

M., my hubby is the same way....I think that they feel like they are being "challenged" in regards to whether or not they'll be able to provide for you....I've been trying for 7 years....good luck!

My husband also didn't believe in life insurance. He said buying it was betting that you were going to die. My husband developed cancer at age 46 and died at age 48. It does happen. We had always thought we would just have enough life insurance to pay off the house in the event one of us died. I work, I am a nurse, so I could always make money. Only thing is I only work part-time. For me to go to full-time would be very disruptive for our children. Our insurance guy mentioned this. And back in 1987 when we had no children, $150K seemed like plenty of money to have on him, and $100K on me. Now, 20 years and 4 children later, it just doesn't seem like enough. Four college educations are very expensive. Yes, he is thinking he can work and doesn't need to replace your income. But has he looked into how much it would cost to pay for full-time daycare not to mention a maid to do the cleaning and the laundry. And who will cook? All of that takes money. And as far as how much you have one him, it's not about you working or not working, it's about the changes your daughter would have to go through if her father died. First she will have lost her father, and then her mother who won't be there like she used to since she now has to work to make ends meet. What upheaval for your daughter and any future children.
Sorry this is so long, but this is an area I have experience in.

Keep pushing for it. As soon as we found out we were pregnant, we started talking about increasing our life insurance policies as they were probably enough for the other should one of us die...but not enough to account for a child. Anyways, I was a smoker until I found out I was pregnant. It made more sense to wait until the 1 year mark after I quit because the insurance premiums are better as a non-smoker. So, we had our daughter in October 2006 and got our new insurance in March 2007 (1 year after I quit smoking). We had to do it. Everything is so expensive today. My husband and I both increased our coverage.

Also, you might want to consider making your wills if you haven't done so already. We had been putting it off and putting it off and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't want anything bad to happen to our daughter should something happen to the two of us. So, about 6 weeks ago, we finally met with our lawyer and got our will taken care of. We also set up a trust for our daughter and made living wills for us.

Death is not a pleasant subject...but it is something that will happen to all of us. We feel that it's better to be prepared instead of in shambles afterwards.

Explain it to him like this...if I should die too soon and before you, do you really want to be thinking about how you're going to make ends meet or how you're going to pay for my funeral costs just after I die. Wouldn't you rather have some security knowing that this is one less thing you have to worry about if I should die too soon or young. And you can spin that around too...saying would you really rather we (you and your child) be worrying about making ends meet after loosing you too soon...it's going to be hard enough dealing with the loss of you, let alone worrying about money.

Also, sorry this is so long. But when we increased our life insurance, we bought a 60k policy for my daughter. I hated the idea of doing that...but what if something tragic does happen. And, if nothing bad does happen, now she'll have 60k in insurance when she's grown up. And, when she's grown up, this policy should be at the point where it's paying for itself with it's dividends and she won't even need to think about it.

Anyways, I'm sorry this was so long...you just happened to touch on an important subject to us. I hope some of this helps you. Good luck!

M.,
As a life insurance agent, I may have a bias opinion. But you need to speak to someone like myself who has some way of putting you and your husband through a program to determine what your insurance needs really are. For example, at the company I work for we have software called "Financial Focus" What this does is it asks you and your husband bunches of questions to determine what your priorities are first. Then you evaluate if that is how you really feel. Next step is going into each of those financial security priorities and crunching the numbers. For example, if you are planning on paying for your childs education then our software will let you pick the school you would like her to attend, then adjust the inflation rate to what you think will happen (it has a standard national average in it as well if you want to just go with that), then it will determine the number of years until the need is there, next the number of years financing will be needed (2 year college vs. 4 year college) and it will calculate a figure of how much money you need to have in place when she turns graduates high school. That should and usually is a BIG way to get a refusing parent to look a little further into their financial planning. I can give you a better example if you want to email me. I'll do a private example of myself and my daughters college. Also that program will show you how much you need to save monthly, and what would need to be replaced in the event of either of your premature deaths. Keep in mind what TYPE of insurance you have. Do you have whole life or do you have term? I see that you put more insurance on yourself. If the true problem is that he thinks an agent is out for himself only, then you have the wrong agent, or you need to get a second or third opinion to see what the real figures should be. I use the Financial Focus software because it's not the numbers that I put in, or answers I put it, its the numbers and answers that YOU and your husband came up with. I had nothing to do with it other then clicking a few buttons. Sometimes it shows that you may have to much, sometimes not enough, sometimes it brings up that you don't need anything else and your set! I can't determine that outcome, I just know that it will give us the most accurate need if you give me the most accurate answers and figures. Also, get your lawyer and CPA involved. Create a financial planning team. I work with several other advisers on every case I'm presented with. When I walk into a home, I want to make sure their need is met so I get the whole thing done in two meetings usually. And not just life insurance, but wills and trusts, and estate planning as well. Even taxes this year became part of our planning!

To address the medical exam issue. First off they are simple. They come to your home, ask some questions, take some blood and urine generally and out they go. Now, with the ages you are... if you were a client in my business the only reason we'd need anything other then a oral fluid test (which is administered by me the agent, and sent into labs to test for HIV) is if you have a bad medical past. Then they may want to take some blood. Use that approach as well. They may not even need one! Especially if your purchasing term insurance. Now is the time to buy it, you are young. It will be much cheaper then him realizing what would happen in 10 years. Prices can generally double in that time.

I know thats a lot of information, but the more you know the more "bullets" in the gun you have when your husband rejects the idea. Good Luck and please feel free to email me with any questions you have. I'd be more then happy to answer them or be your second party opinion.

You need a decent life insurance poicy for yourselves in case something happens, a policy on her, and a will. You husband is thinking like most men thinking that nothing will happen to the 2 of you or to her at such an early age. I have heard and seen too much to fool myself. I am a Grandmother and my Daughter's husband made her cancel the children's policies because he said they were young and nothing would happen to them. I carry a small policy on every one of my Grandchildren. I am planning on carrying one for any future Grandchildren, too. If, and it could, anything happens to either of you or to both of you (check with your local police dept. about the facts), who gets to see that your Daughter is taken care of, let alone if there is enough money to bury either or both of you. A decent funeral is up to about $7,000.00 now. Maybe all he wants is a hole in the ground and a pine box.

Life insurance is not something men like to think about. Women (such as us) tend to think more twords the future and men think in the moment. My advice would be to sit him down (no tv and make sure your child is asleep) and tell him that If something happened to you, life insurance would assure him that he would have something to fall back on and if something happened to him, the same would hold true for you. Let him know that your family is very important to you and getting additional life insurance would assure the inevitable. If he refuses, maybe you seek a reputable life insurance agent and get additional life inusrance on yourself and your child on your own.

Hi M., I really want to respond to your request yet I have mixed feelings about my response. As there is a lot we don't know about your situation.
1. How much ins. do you have on hubby? and you?
2. How old are you both?
3. How much income does he make?
4. What are your finances like?
5. Did his family have life ins.? And what type?
6. Why is he against it?
7. Has he or would he agree to meet with a financial planner or life insurance agent? (hearing from someone else might be better)
After saying all that, yes life insurance or financial planning is always needed. But apparently he doesn't have a strong sense for that need, which I would want to resolve as to why.
Now for the hard part ... if this were ME, as his Christian wife, I would set aside time in MY prayer life to PRAY specifically in this area. And, not just for him to change his attitude :) But I would pray for my attitude too. I would pray that I honor and respect him and his decision. I encourage you to talk with him about this after praying privately for 30 days! Blessings to you! I will keep you in my prayers too!!!

If you have access to his medical information and can answer the questions then take out the policy on him yourself if you have the means to pay for it.

Parents insure their children all of the time and grandparents can insure their grandchildren without the parents signatures or having questions answered.

He isn't willing to grow up so do it for him.

P. R

M.,

One of my husband's main jobs for the Air Force is mortuary affairs. That means he is the one who helps the family after a service member has passed away. I was a single mother of two when I married Mark and until I met him I can honestly say that I never even thought about life insurance. For one thing I was younger and for another every ounce of my energy was spent on giving us some kind of life so death wasn't something I even hadtime to think about.

Since being married to him, I have had no choice but to think about death- his or mine - and what we would do in the event one of us died. The thing is, no one wants to talk about it because no one wants to die. It is depressing. But things happen all the time every day and we have no guarantee so it is wise to think about these things in advance.

When my husband and I sat down with a financial planner one of the things we did was itemize what we would need for our family in order to make it if one of us should die. We talked about maintaining our current level of income and the fact that I would have to finish getting a college education. That costs money not just for education, but living expenses as well as daycare for the younger ones. I wouldn't want to work and go to school taking myself away from our kids right after losing their father. Then we had to talk about what he would need in order to be a single parent in my absense and how much that would cost. Also we talked about wanting to leave our kids with an ability to get a college education and how much that would cost. After adding it all up and seeing the actual numbers we were able to get a better handle on how much insurance we would need and how important it was to get more than we currently had.

I would suggest you itemize what you would need to raise you child (possible children) to adulthood. Give your husband some numbers that would cover just the basics. It is hard to argue with the math. Then he will see that there is no bathtub full of money. You could even see about getting legal paperwork putting some of it in trust for your children's future use. Talk to a life insurance agent about the options and then come to him with the numbers and some choices for how he would want to do it. Ask him what he is willing to sacrifice giving his kids if you don't get it. Ask him where he wants the current money to be spent. He may not even have a reasonable idea of what things will cost and how difficult it will be.

At any rate keep at it. This is too important to let go just to forego an argument. You are doing the right thing.

You should have 10 times your annual income in term life insurance. Even if you are a stay at home mom, you should have life insurance. You want TERM only. Life insurance is not an investment, it is a transfer of risk. Don't let an insurance broker talk you into whole, universal life, etc. And in my opinion, based on LOTS of reading and talking with a financial advisor over the years, you don't need life insurance on your children, unless you want to have enough for burial expenses. Life insurance is to replace lost income, and since children have no income, no need to replace it. I would suggest that you go to the library and get one of Dave Ramsey's financial books. They are very easy to read. (He is a New York Times best selling author, a national syndicated talk show host, and christian) Show the book to your husband. You can catch Dave on the radio in the afternoon from 4-7 on am 1050. I have read a lot of books over the years and Dave has a great wealth building approach to keep you in control of all of your money.

You need to let your husband know that it is not just about him, it is also about you and your daughter. The purpose of life insurance is to take care of final expenses, outstanding debt, and to hopefully allow the family members left behind enough money to continue to live the livestyle before the death in the family. Even though he doesn't feel that there is a need for life insurance on you, there is. Who would take care of your daughter if something happened to you? Child care is not cheap, and especially if you are ever planning on having more children, he will need this if something did happen to you. What if something happened to both of you, who would take care of your daughter and with what finances? The younger you are to get life insurance the better rate you will receive. Do you have a policy for your daughter? How would you pay if something happened to her? Do you have enough in savings? The normal funeral unfortunately costs on average of $5000-$8000, even for a child.I would look into a small policy of some kind for her also, one that as she gets older she can increase without a medical exam. I understand the situation that you are in, I was in the same one four years ago. We sat down with our Financial Planner and now my husband understands better; we have a policy for him of $250,000, and one of the same for me, and a policy for both of my children. You just need to paint the picture for your husband that life insurance is not just to help you out, but the whole family. I hope that this helps.

I am sorry to hear that he is not more responsive to you. Don't give up...it is way too important to make sure things are taken care of just in case!!

It took a while to get my husband to understand too. The larger breadwinner should have the more substantial dollar amount policy, so that the surviving spouse can make a mortgage payment and funeral costs. But the stay at home spouse should also have a policy - so if the working spouse needed to return to work right away there is someone to care for the children, etc. Show him the dollar figures with the help of a financial planner or insurance agent.

Hi M.,

My husband is an insurance agent, so I went to the pro on this one. He said first be careful on who you talk to, because there are many costly whole life insurance plans out there. Sounds like you should look at a term policy, which offers protection during a specific stage of life. Many agents will give different opinions on the amount to purchase. A good technique is L.I.F.E. Where you input your Liabilities( Mortgage, debt, etc),Income (annual) Funeral expense(usually around $10,000) Education (college fund for children) The sum of this total is the amount you should look to purchase. At that point you could put the principal in a Mutual Fund & use the interest to survive (i.e.: not lose the house or have go right back to work) during a very emotionally difficult time.

Ok... that was his 2 cents. As for dealing with your husband. I think somehow he's gotta understand it is about taking care of your family, not hitting the lottery. My recommendation would be to find an agent that you are comfortable with who is not trying to sell you things to make a profit, but one that is legitimately interested in benefiting you and your family. If your husband is still not budging, feel free to shoot me back a memo and I'll give you my husband's contact info. I am a bit biased, but he is amazing at this stuff. He won't sail you down the river. If nothing else maybe he could at least provide him with some information and answer some questions to ease his discomfort with the whole deal. Best of luck. Let me know if I can help ya out.

Jaime

I can't tell you how secure I feel knowing my whole family is insured! The ladies are so correct you to stick with your pursuit. My father passed from a heart attack when I was 14 and my mother followed him 4 years later. He had just become a civil worker a few months prior but not long enough for the county insurance to cover him or our family. To this day I don't know how the expenses were covered. My mother was a SAHM with little education and we survived barely on my father's social security and help from family. My mother passed without insurance as well and my older siblings took out a loan from their father in order to cover just the funeral expenses. The trail of debt she left in her wake was a nightmare. I'd wish the situation on NO ONE.
As a responsible man, husband, and father this issue should be taken as seriously as he takes providing for you in the here and now. No one knows when his last breathe is and to deny you a sense of security is not loving on his part. My husband and I have enough insurance to pay off debts (Funeral expenses,credit,and mortgage) and we are both capable of working to supply daily living cost. Each child only has enough coverage to cover funernal expenses. Any more than that is creepy. I pray he sees reason soon. Premiums are locked in by age. The younger the cheaper. God be with you.

I also have worked in the insurance business. Tell your husband that if he should suddenly die that you and your daughter could loose your house and everything you own. If he is the primary bread winner for your family you could become homeless, ask him if that is what he wants to happen to you and your daughter. My husband and I never had a will before either. He could never see the benefit of having one even after we had kids. We made out our wills when I was diagnosed with cancer 9 years ago. Tell him not to wait, you never know what will happen to you in life. I applied for my first life policy at the end of 1998 thinking it was the grown up thing to do. We never could afford insurance for me, nor had we ever thought about it either. I was a stay at home mom, what could possibly happen to me? The very next month I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It's not like I woke up one day and said "hmmm this seems like a good day I think I'll get cancer". No one says anything like that, but it can happen. No amount of money can or will replace your husband if anything should happen to him, but wouldn't it be nice to think that if it did that your daughter and you would be able to go on without him?

Actually I remember listening to several "Money Matters" episodes on the Christian radio program with Howard Dayton dealing with life insurance (he is GREAT!) and he said said the real reason for having life insurance is to cover funeral expenses and not to waste your money with much more, and especially with children, only enough to cover those expenses.

Let me ask, what kind of coverage do you have for your daughter? That creeped me out WAY more than getting a policy for myself, I just thought if I took one for my son it was inviting trouble, took me 5 years to get around to it. And maybe your husband is worried about the same thing, he's being awfully weird about it. You might tell him look, I know its weird to talk about your death, but do you really want us left with nothing if something happens?

And have you considered a cash value/interest bearing policy? I had one of those, my parents started when I was 6 and after I got old enough my dad turned it over to me. I cashed in on it, shouldn't have though, the price went from $6 a month (locked in rate in 1984) to the one I recently purchased at $38 a month in 2007. Bad idea, but also maybe if he knows the policy can be cashed in, you can tell him if he ever gets really worried you're gonna take him out he can cash it and take the money & run LoL. No really, maybe he would feel better knowing the policies for the two of you serve as backups for life's curve balls. If your house catches on fire, car accident, cancer (insert disaster here) you have a plan B, can cash one of the two policies in and get back on your feet.
It's a good spin and really true.

He sounds like he's being a pretty big jerk about it, I would also remind him that YOU don't mind having so much insurance on yourself and you don't question him waiting for you to kick the bucket so he can roll around in your death money. What does that say about him and his level of trust in you? You would want him to live comfortably if something happened to you, especially knowing he loves you SO much he'd be a basket case and probably wouldn't even want to eat anymore let alone go to work everyday without you with him. He would need the money...Ha!

Really I think he is being awfully goofy about this. I don't get why he wouldn't want to feel assured that if something ever happens to him you and your daughter won't ever have to worry about money. If it were me I would!

Have you thought about telling him what daycare would run him if you were not providing care for your daughter? I would check in your area and remind him of the 200 per week liability (Quality child care rate in my area) he would inherit if something were to happen to you. This may help your case. Good luck!

I would think he would want you and his child taken care of if something did happen to him and vice versa. Uping the insurance should include yours too! So, if something happen to you things are taken care of. You need to make it clear with him the insurance is for both of you and you might even want to put some on the little one. We don't want to face losing a child, but children die everyday. I am not trying to depress you. Maybe he is mad at himself because he did not think of the insurance first. Maybe you should let him take care of a few things since he is suppose to be the man of the house. If he continues to be unpleasant about life insurance, I would be asking him what the real reason is that this is upsetting him. Because taking care of his family should be on the top of the list.I wll put you and him on my prayer list.

My husband and I both have plenty of ins. Even though I am a stay at home mom, I pointed out that if something happened to me he would still need to have a nanny/babysitter and housekeeper. He will have enough to do without worring about cleaning/laudry. This takes money. There are different types of life insurance, like whole life, so you can present it as an investment for your future.

One of the biggest financial mistakes women make is not taking charge of their own futures. There is no reason why YOU can't get a life insurrance policy on yourself so your children are covered. You should also get a life insurrance policy IN YOUR NAME to cover your husband. Because if the insurrance policy is in your husband's name, he can cancel at anytime WITHOUT TELLING YOU. Then, if something happened, there's no life insurrance there to help your child or you.

There have been too many horror stories lately about women left pennyless after their husband secretly cancelled their policy and then was killed (or committed suicide).

Your husband sees no value in life insurance. Peace of mind is not without value.

Maybe putting it in different terms will change his perspective.

Try a financial argument. At your ages, term life insurance is cheap; it will cost more later. Maybe seeing the lifetime savings of starting now will get through to him.

Remind him that having a family without sufficient life insurance for both parents is risky. It's like going sky-diving without a reserve parachute. Like scaling a cliff without a safety rope. Like walking a tightrope without a net. You use these things to protect yourself from the unexpected because you value your life. You get insurance to protect your family, because you value THEM.

Call gerber life insurance and see how much it would cost for a term policy or whole life policy. I have a term life with them for only $11.OO a month for $50,000. I also got insurance on my children as well. Each of them have triple benefits which will add up to $150,000 each that they can use later in life for college etc. Tell your husband that you want to look into it because small policies don't cover a whole lot and you never know when something may happen.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

My husband and I just got life insurance and seems that a weight has been lifted from worry about "what if". Maybe you just need to force the issue. Make an appointment for the insurance carry to come out to your house and that way your husband has no excuse not to talk about it. No sure who you have currently but you may want to try a company called PrimAmerica. They have been around for years and have very good- valuable policies. They also have programs for college funds and IRA, emergency funds. Really a good company. But me, I would just make an appointment and then he would have no choice but to talk about it. 30 mins and then you wouldn't have to talk about it again.

I laughed so hard when I read your request. It's funny because I have feelings like that about my husband sometimes too! It always passes, thank goodness, but isn't it funny how high the high's are and how low the low's are with husbands?

Anyway, I think that what you're doing is right. Just make it so all you need is his signature, and do what you feel needs to be done in order to secure a future should anything unexpected happen. If he continues to be negative about it, don't let it bother ya, once the papers are signed he'll get over it. I handle many things that way with my husband. He's got quite a negative aura around him, so I always keep in mind that "he'll get over it". Otherwise, I'd be constantly trying to "fix" arguments or other things that he gets mad at that are a waste of energy....

I can understand how touchy this subject is- but your husband needs to think of this in a different light. A good friend of mine was widowed after her husband was hit by a car while riding his bike to work. She was left to raise their 2 toddler-aged children alone. Her husband had been proactive about insurance for her and the kids- and she did not have to worry about how she would pay the mortgage, etc. while she was delirious with grief and overwhelmed with sudden single parenting. The loss of a spouse is an impossible enough tragedy to deal with- added financial trouble would only make it more unbearable. Everyone should at least have enough insurance to pay off their home and pay for a funeral- two things the loved one left behind shouldn't have to stress over financing on their own. Some could even say that it is selfish to be "stingy" about one's policy.
I hope this helps.

My husband actually was the opposite and thought we needed more than I thought we did. So, we talked to a financial adviser/insurance guy and agreed to go with what he said (which was somewhere in between). Having a third party lay it all in front of you really helps. I forget exactly what he calculated, but he pointed out things like, if I want to continue to stay home, I will need most of my husband's income to be covered, even if I'm good with money and put some away. Also, what we hadn't really done was get much insurance on me. If I die, my husband will have to put our kids in day care which is WAY expensive, so he needed that to be covered.

If you would like the name of the guy we talked to, PM me. He was very informative without any pressure to buy. He also helped us with a household budget, my husband's 401K, retirement savings and college savings. There was no fee for all the help because we were primarily there to discuss insurance and not to use him as an investor.