Money Before You Marry

If I had it to do over again, I would have done Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We've been married almost 9 years and we still operate independently and I think that was a mistake. We don't have common goals, and I think we could do so much better. With young kids and very busy schedules it's hard to find time to do something like FPU. We should probably make it a priority, but looking back it's so easy to see that had we done it before kids it would have been so much easier.

Thankfully, we were both aware of each other's financial habits, goals, etc.
I owned my own home when we got married.

People need to talk about money before marriage!
It's money that leads to most divorces. Hmmmm....

I suggest that you do some type of premarital counseling. We did Prepare|Enrich. It was awesome. Also, talk about sitting down and looking over one another's credit reports. Being transparent from the get-go is a must. If there's any bad history, or anything that needs to be dealt with, go into it with a team mentality.

Hi S.,

I've been married for over 10 years now, but my husband and I were married in the Catholic Church and had to attend their Pre-Cana counseling. We spent several hours in the counseling discussing our financial habits, and it was encouraged that we each share our net worth (assets and debts) with one another. One of the activities was to pick an amount that was our "don't cross the line' amount - where you would not spend more than that amount without discussing it with your spouse.

We were both pretty poor but not in debt so we picked $100.00 - and it lasted until last summer when we agreed that with two kids you can easily spend that in an afternoon!

This way there are no surprises. We also comingled everything - we both work - at times I've been the bread winner, at times he has been...it just depends on when in our relationship.

We have a quarterly "business meeting" where we review where we are financially and make any adjustments needed to family budget.

Hope this helps! C.

Aside from the hard numbers- debt carried, assets, earning power, i think it would be nice to know, understand and tolerate a persons penchants for frugality and for spurging.

i.e. my husband isn't one to go out to eat often, but if he does, you can be sure that he will be getting two appetizers, a main, a dessert and drinks. It will be an epic meal, and an epic price tag. Me, I am happy to have a glass of wine, and 1/2 a main course (I am sated, have left overs, and feel comfortable about the experience/ spending). whereas, I can't be convinced to get cheap shoes. My husband would be happy with shoes from Sears.

In each case, there is value added in our own minds to the exchange, it isn't really about eating out or shoes, but about our own expectations of what defines a good eating out experience or a proper pair of shoes. These are the areas which are difficult to shift people off of unless of course they wish to make a change themselves.

If your would be partner is especailly lavish/ frugal in an arena that you find uncomfortable, it might be an ongoing issue in your marriage.

Best,
F. B.

Because I was raised by such a horribly irresponsible mother, especially when it came to money, I made SURE I married a man with impeccable working, spending and savings habits. Not very romantic I know, but that was a deal breaker for me!

My husband and I did premarital counselling, and it was great! Over the course of several weeks, we met with an older couple that had been married for 25 years. We talked about our living habits, expectations, goals, childhood, finances, sex, moral/faith stances, parenting views, our disagreements, our past relationships, pornography, what makes us feel loved, what marriage meant to each of us, what we liked/didn't like about each other, etc.

Of course, we had already talked about most of that stuff before premarital counselling, but it was nice to address difficult topics with an older couple who could offer an outside view and advice from experience.

We have been married 8 years now, and it's better than ever! We agree on most issues, but when we don't agree we are able to compromise.

I think that if more people put the money and time into preparing for marriage that they put into preparing for their wedding, marriages would be stronger and last longer.

I don't think living together before marriage makes a marriage any stronger. I remember my college sociology professor saying that couples that live together prior to marriage have higher divorce rates. Since that class, I've read several studies that back up his statements.

I also have to vouch for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course. His money advice is solid and practical. His course has helped many couples get on the same page with finances, establish good habits, and get out of debt.

Assuming there is openness from the get-go about existing obligations, debts, assets, etc., I think the key question is how you and your partner feel about saving for the big stuff - college tuition, weddings, and retirement. A lot of people think they are doing okay, but they are really living paycheck to paycheck. If there's a downturn or emergency, what's the cushion? And are you the type of people who spend now while you have it, do you save every damn dime and not enjoy anything now, or somewhere in the middle? Being on the same page with these items is really critical.

I wish we would have tracked each of our spending habits for a week, just to see where it all went. We did Dave Ramsey about two years into our marriage, and I was stunned at how much random money was being spent here and there. It wouldn't have necessarily changed anything, but I would have liked to have known where $100 went in a week for my husband. (coffee every morning, buying his co-workers breakfast tacos, etc) :)

DH and I never put our money together, for this exact reason.
We talked about what each of us would pay for in our relationship...and that has changed as we've made more money and had kids.
But to this day - 16 yrs later - our finances are not combined at all. He can do what he wants with his $$ - he knows what he's on the hook to pay for. And the same goes for me.

Most friends I know do the same these days, but most also have 2 working partners. So maybe it's different if one person is going to stay home. That was never in question for me, personally.

I can't quite answer your question, because my husband and I did talk about finances before we got married, and understood each other's habits and overall finances.

I will say that the BEST thing that we did was that in the first year of our marriage, we took a community college course on personal financial planning together. This really got us both onto the same page in terms of handling money, making a budget, setting goals, handling financial emergencies, etc.

Well my husband and I put the whole baby before marriage thing into play, so we were really working on commitment to each other without really thinking about finances. I am thankful for that, because we have been married 10 years when most didn't think we would last the first year.

So, with that being said, from his previous divorce he brought a lot of debt to our family. We paid it all off about 7 years ago, but we have managed to build our own debt. In part to his several bouts with unemployment. It sucks when things happen, but they do. We will be in debt for a while unfortunately, but we are working on fixing that. And once he is back to work we'll do a much better job at getting it down.

Which bills would you like to be in charge of?

I owned my home and business before I met my husband. When he moved in, all bills were established, billed in my name, bill pay set through my account, and already a regular part of my routine. He contributed money towards them, but never took ownership of any of the accounts (utilities, cable, etc.). Ten years later, I can count the number of times on one hand that he has ever even OPENED a household bill and he has NEVER gone into what is now our joint checking account and PAYED a bill. Since he doesn't pay bills, he doesn't check balances, what's due when, how much is going out that week vs. what's available, any of it. He doesn't overspend or cause us to overdraft, but he also doesn't share in the stress when bills are high and looming and money is low. It's the lack of shared financial stress that we fight about.

The up-side? I pretty much have free range to spend what I want on what I please. If he's not going to take responsibility for paying the bills, he gets no critical say in where the money goes (ie. cute boots). :-)

Debt habits, history & attitude.

Example 1- My sister used to pay cash for everything and never allowed herself to get into debt and she and her late husband raised their children. Her second husband has a completely different mentality and has to have the latest technology, always leases, never buys a car, takes frequent, expensive vacations, etc. They've been married more than 10 years now and they have NO shared bank account and still have his money and her money.

Example 2 - I knew my husband had gotten himself into serious debt when he was in his early 20s. When we met he was in the midst of making a decision about claiming bankruptsy or paying off his debts. With my input he decided to do the right thing and pay off his debts. So by the time we married he was debt-free and in the process of rebuilding his credit rating. We bought our first house in my name only while we were still engaged becuase my credit was so much better than his.

Had he not been transparent with me and I had discovered that he had claimed bankruptsy and we would forever have to answer "yes" to that question on every loan application I would have been really, really upset. For me getting into debt for no good reason (vallid resons: medical bills or job loss, etc.) says something about the person's character - expecially if they they take no respsonsibility and claim bankruptsy. But since he was in his early 20s when he incurred all the debt, and then he took responsibility for it - well that says something too.

Since that time we've never allowed ourselve to get into debt for anything other than house, car, home improvement/repair. and from the day we got married we've shared every credit card, bank account, mortage account, etc. It's not my money or his money, it's ours. There have been times that I made more money, and lately he's made more money. But it's all OUR money.

My husband and I were best friends for a couple years before we dated (then we were engaged within a few months). Neither of us had very good spending habits. We kind of grew up together, and figured it out as we went along.

Now we are financially stable, I do the bills for us and he brings in the $$. A big part of any success we have is that is that my husband is a hard worker and always has been. I knew that when I married him, and I can't imagine marrying someone who doesn't have good work ethic.

I don't think there's a magic question about money or anything that will tell you what you need to know about a person's character. Hopefully if you are contemplating marriage, you know their character already.

You should be well aware of your fiance's finances (he he aware of yours) prior to getting married. I believe finances is the number 1 reason marriages break up.

Good luck!

I had a vague idea about my spouses finances while we were dating. We met at the place we worked at. When we moved in together before getting married I took charge of balancing his checkbook and stuff. I'd tell him what checks needed to be written from his account for bills. His idea of balancing his checkbook was wrapping the ATM receipt around his card which worked when we weren't living together and had bills to pay. He'd go get cash and spend that, writing checks rarely. That worked while he was living with his parents, not so much on our own.
As soon as we had all legal paperwork in hand with my name change and marriage license we combined into a joint account and closed the extra. We've only ever had a joint account since getting married almost 20 years ago so I now absolutely know everything about everything financial as I pay the bills and balance the checkbook.
If you're going to become serious enough to move in together, get engaged and/or get married I think it's very important to be upfront and honest about finances and spending habits. You have to be willing to scale back your spending habits if need be to be a contributor to the household. I would say an equal contributor but I know that's not always possible, I made more than my husband when we first moved out so I paid a higher portion of the bills. There should be no hiding things from the other. That's not a healthy way to have a relationship.

I didn't really have any questions or surprises as my husband and I lived together for 1 year prior to getting married. There was no way I was going to commit to that kind of financial and emotional partnership before knowing exactly what I was going to get into first.
Again, my husband had no real debt or financial issues except student loans, which we consolidated upon marriage. Our agreement upon marriage was that I handle all our finances and bill paying obligations. There would be no separate accounts or anything of that nature- too hard to track overall expenses, and in the eyes of the law, there is no separation. Our finances are treated as a business partnership, and any large purchases or spending have to be mutually agreed upon.

Same as many others-- my husband and I were completely open about finances before moving in together. He's very smart at managing our money, financially pretty conservative (we aren't routinely big spenders and like to live within our means) and very responsible.

My second husband I didn't have any surprises with because, well, he is my second husband and I learned from the first one. lol

When I met my first husband, he was driving his trucks with NO brakes because he couldn't afford brake pads and then just let them get worse. So I charged $800 to get them fixed. After we were married, I of course took care of all the details. He was raised by a family who couldn't "afford" to get the oil changed in the car, so they waited until it blew up then freaked out because they couldn't afford to get a new car. They couldn't save to buy a nice TV so they'd get one from Rent-to-own or whatever it's called and end up paying a fortune because of interest.

We are now divorced and he has resorted back to these same habits with his new wife and I guess she isn't smart enough to take over things herself. They don't take care of anything and almost their entire house is rented furniture and appliances. I don't get living like that. Good luck.

Updated

I tend to meet men who are clueless about money, and I end up handling all the funds with their enthusiastic consent. It was that way for three long term relationships and then a marriage. I liked having control, but hated the extra work. Now I'm divorced (not because of that). Next time around it'd be nice if the guy had his own finances handled for himself in a responsible way. But it doesn't seem to align with other potential soul mate qualities always unfortunately...

We got married very young, neither of us really had financial habits to speak of. We learned how to manage our money together. We had some issues early on, and got some debt, but we helped each other learn to do better.

For your what happened question: My husband and I have been married almost 25 yrs. In the beginning, neither of us had any money. I was in school and working part time, he worked his job. We paid bills as they came up. I have almost always paid everything as in sending payments. He gives me money every week and I have my checks. We each have our own accounts and we have a joint plus we have a savings accoutn together to try to save some money. He once tried to take over the checkbook and it was a disaster. So it is up to me. I let him know how the bills are going, how the utilities get high etc. He has money he keeps for himself, and I have my own. The one thing I really wish he would get more involved in is the kids. I was out of work for 11 months recently. No income from me at all for 6 months. It was very very hard. He got a tastre of what it is like when the kids come and say "I need money for supplies, or books, or whatever". Or my younger one needing money for a special event at school, or book fair. I always tried to let them get at least one thing whenever there were book fairs at school. It was an eye opener for him in a way. Little unusual expenses pop up now and then.

And when I do need extra money from him so I do not end up using up all of my paycheck, I let him know.

We got married in 1988 and had known each other since 1985. We lived together from 1986 and present.

We were open and upfront with all communication then and we are now as well.

There is nothing I feel that was left out of our conversations before we decided to marry 26 yrs ago.