My 19 Y/o Son and a Job…

He has a job lined up, and YOU asked him to stay, so that YOU could see him walk. Therefore, I don't think he needs to go get a job. If you can't stand seeing him sit around, then let him go off to the Marines now, like he wants to.

Yes, I think you're a little unreasonable. In a few months, he's going to be very active and very busy.

Watching them "walk" isn't all that exciting anyway.

You asked him to stay until May. He can't get a 'real' job because no one will hire him for one for a couple of months. He can't get excited about a dead end time killer because it would be a dead end time killer. Please let him go now. Otherwise he really will just be marking time for the next few months and the two of you will continue to clash about it.

Truthfully, I think he deserves a bit of a break before going into the Marines. It's not like there is no end in sight - he'll be gone in just a few short months. I would talk with him about pitching in more around the house since he is home or perhaps he can get a volunteer position. I don't think I would push it though. This is probably the last "big" break he will have for many years. Let him enjoy it.

Hi. I've been in the military for almost 12 years (in May). My opinion is that you need to let go of this.

He's joined the military and he's graduating. Let the kid have the Summer. Consider the truck repair to be a graduation present. Enjoy your time with him because you won't be having any for a long time once he ships.

This isn't a hill worth dying on. Not at all. Let it go.

You guilted him into staying, he was miserable, quit his job, now you want him to leave because you want your money? Unless I am missing something you are being selfish not him.

He wants to start earning real money and you made him put it off for six months because you wanted to see him in his cap and gown. How can you see this as him being lazy and selfish?

Why are you making his life all about you? YOU wanted him to walk. YOU want him to find another job when he will most likely only be at it long enough to get a few paychecks, IF he can even get hired when he tells potential employers that he's shipping out for boot camp soon. This is the last little bit of time he will have for himself for the next two years. Let him have it.

Medic Mom,

He's pushing his boundaries and cutting ties...he's preparing himself for life without mom...as a "big boy" out on his own...some kids go through this...it's easier when you leave "mad" than if you leave all boo-hooey..does that make sense to you?

Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Then COMMUNICATE with your son. Tell him how you are feeling. Tell him what you expect from him.

Being a Marine about fidelity, integrity, conviction. They don't take too well to "quitters". So he needs to find something to do while he's waiting to leave for boot camp.

It's March - the middle of March. What date did the Marines give him to report? If it's June? I can honestly say I don't blame him for not wanting to get a job for 5 to 7 weeks.

Good luck!

I think you are being selfish. You wanted him to stay, so he complied. Now you want him to leave, and forego his walk, just because he owes you money for fixing his truck? How about you not worry about a job, and ask him to do things around the house - make a to do list. This could help pay off what he owes you - and keep him busy. Don't burn this bridge you have with your son. You will regret it. And he will be too far away to hug.

I'm saying this as the mother of a son who joined the Army National Guard, you should let him leave. You weren't fair to him or yourself. It was about what you wanted not what was in his best interest.

So, he graduated early, joined the Marines, and you think he is lazy? Really I think you need to step back. Don't do or say something that can't be taken back.

I can certainly understand why it would be difficult for him to find another job since he will be leaving soon. Does he have orders yet to report? Is it June? Is it August? If August, then yeah he needs to find something to occupy his time.

Not sure what is going on in your house but I think it is more than just this.

You created this when you insisted he stay until after graduation. You certainly wouldn't earn any mother of the year awards if you now asked him to leave. He isn't being lazy or selfish and he does actually have a job (which he put on hold for you) but it doesn't start until June. Additionally, if he is up front and honest about his situation with potential employers, they aren't going to hire him anyway (assuming it is a traditional job and not a temp position).

If you want him to reimburse you for his truck ask that he do it after he officially begins service and has some money coming in.

You asked him to stay so you could see him walk across the stage. Yes that was selfish. Honestly if he's getting ready to leave for the Marines he should be allowed to live a little. Not worrying about paying you back - which is again all about you. Why not encourage him to spend time with family and friends? Honestly it sounds like you're freaking out because he's leaving you.

So what do you really want? You asked him to stay and he did. Walking with the class is not that big of a deal.

I understand you want to keep him around as long as you can but gees..... You can have your cake and eat it too. He stayed back because you asked him to.

As an employer, I would not waste my time and money training someone who I knew was leaving on 3-4 months. What if he got hurt on the job and it destroyed his plans?

Personally, I would be respectful of him and enjoy every moment I had with him because he's about to embark on a huge journey. He needs support, not someone nagging him. I'm sure he's feeling some stress as well because he's leaving his " normal" routine.

As for the loan, write it off. It's your son... He's going to serve our country.

I think this is a case of be careful what you wish for....

Your son probably wanted to go into the USMC sooner than later because he was tired of his fast food job. You asked him to stay, but then had the expectation that he would still work a job he probably wasn't liking much. He quit. No one else is going to hire him because he's leaving-- it costs them money to train someone and no smart manager is going to invest their time into a person who is most certainly not going to stick around.

Not to be rude, but it seems like you want to have it ALL your way. And that's clashing with his sense of autonomy.

I can tell you this: right before I was twenty, I was slated to join the Navy. Because they didn't have an exact date for boot camp at the time (we basically got two week's notice), I chose to move back in with my mom and her husband for a short time (about a month) so I wouldn't be leaving roommates in a lurch. While I was at my mother's house, I was responsible for housework and painted the fence as part of the deal; I also signed up with a temp agency and did light industrial-type work when they assigned me jobs.

So, that's what I would suggest. Have a heart to heart with your son. Let him know that you understand he did stay for you, and you appreciate it-- and you would appreciate some help while he's still home. Give him the number of a temp agency, too, or find something for him to do while he's home. (Clean out the garage? Basement?) I'm sure he's bored or just killing time until he leaves. Make a plan--on paper-- for him to pay back the loan on the truck repairs. Remember, too, that the first few checks in the military are often hit with uniform/tailoring costs and that they may hold part of the checks until he returns home from boot camp. (That's what they did when I was in-- but that was 20 years ago).

All that to say, go forward trying to be solution-oriented. Just blowing up at him is only going to make him defensive and wonder why he chose to stay.

Here's my 2 cents. My cousin was supposed to enter basic training shortly after graduation. He took a job for the short period between senior exam week for his HS and induction. Week 2 on the job, he hurt his back. As a result, he wasn't able to leave for basic when he was supposed to. He gained weight, became depressed, gained more, and was eventually considered unfit for medical reasons. I thin he'd argue the minimum wage he earned was not worth the military career it cost him.

You and he have only got a few more months to go.
Your son will be leaving home soon enough.
I don't know how much he owes you but I'd think about letting it go.
It might not be exactly a traditional graduation present but it might be the best one all around.
Maybe he'd better start running now.
Boot camp is not going to be easy and he won't be having Mama taking care of him anymore.

http://marinecorpsrecruit.com

watching your kid walk is a big deal.
but it's not THAT big a deal. having him delay his entrance into the marines just so you could have that 14 seconds was too much to ask. he was ready to get on with his life, but stalled it all out so that mom could have her moment.
it's understandable, but still..........
i'm still taken aback when people talk against homeschooling because of missing out on a graduation ceremony. i thoroughly enjoyed watching my kids graduate from college, but the ceremony, delightful though it was, was sooooo far down on my list of priorities for my kids.
having yoinked him to a full stop, i'd be a little more lenient about these last few months at home. i'd also be upfront with him about my feelings, both about the concerns, and the sadness over his immanent departure.
clearly you're struggling with a tsunami of emotions. but so is he. and he is a man, but a very young one.
be a bit kinder to both of you.
khairete
S.

Wow, he had a solid plan in place for his future and you basically guilted him into putting off his plans to accommodate your wishes. It sounds like you were the one that cared about the graduation ceremony...not him. It also sounds like you are selfish for putting your own wants in front of his need to start his adult life. I understand that you would be emotional about your firstborn leaving the nest, but you should not interfere with his goals because of it. Yes, I think you are wrong on this.

He's leaving in a few months.
In this time, I would use it wisely... in nurturing a GOOD relationship with him. So that, when he IS gone... you and he will STILL have, a good Mom/son relationship.
Otherwise, he will just leave, and ditch you... and then that's it. And then there will be a lot of anger and hurt feelings. And blaming.

You need him. He needs you.
Look past the money for the truck.
Unless you want him to leave, with only that... in his mind and in his memories, of you.
That the both of you fought over it.

He is leaving soon. And this is a BIG life change, for him.
It is only natural, that for anyone doing this, they will have lots of uneasy feelings about it, and they wonder about things. So understand that.
What if that were you... leaving and doing what he is going to do?
Wouldn't you want, understanding, instead of fighting over it?

Why don't you... have a nice Mom and son talk/chat... about life/about his leaving etc., what he needs?????? In an ongoing manner?
See, what his feelings are and what is going on in his mind.
BEFORE he actually leaves.
So that, you can both, learn to be nice to each other and know, that you have each other. And be close to one another before he leaves.
Be a Mom. Not someone that he learns to resent.
And do all you can, before he leaves... to make things hospitable between you two.

Nurture, resentment.
Or, not.
That is your choice.

Ha, Be careful what you ask for! Actually this has happened to a few of our friends. Their kids graduated early, then kind of loafed around. Communication in a calm voice.

Well you could tell him he is now on a payment plan to pay back the repairs on the truck.

How does he pay for his going out with his friends? Gas money? Clothing, all of the extras? If he has money to pay for all of that, he has money to pay you $100. a month at least.

IF he refuses to get any job, I would give him a weekly list of chores and repairs you need done. Place a dollar amount next to each thing he gets done, off of his car repair bill.

Remember when he does leave, you are going to have to hire someone else to do the work you cannot get done.

" I am really proud of you for graduating and signing up for the Marines. I was thinking about the money you owe me and I thought of a way you could work it off and help me out, before you are gone. It would be nice to look around the house and know you painted the living room, You fixed the kitchen cabinets that have never hung correctly..
Lawn mowing, tree trimming, cleaning out the garage."

Start getting rid of stuff you do not need and have him price all of it for a yard sale. Then get him to help at the yard sale.. or get him to donate all of that stuff and haul it away.

Wash the house windows inside and out.
Repair anything that is broken.
Clean out the gutters.
Clean and organize the storage shed.

Heck if he has a working lawn mower and edger, he could make good money doing lawns.

Surely there are other places he could fill in for the late shifts. Stocking at night for grocery stores, warehouses.

Hang in there. I know it is hard to have a grown man in your house laying about, but men do not take hints, huffing and puffing, you have to just put it out there, With details and with an actual deadline for each job.

He's doing this because you wanted him to do it.

It's very rude to go and get a job that they'll be spending time and money to train you then you're going to leave in a few months.

He's doing what he's doing because you asked him to do it. Suck it up mom, otherwise tell him to go ahead and set the date to leave as now.

You know what, this might be the last time you ever get to spend with him. I'd be wanting to spend every minute with my kid if I knew they were going to be a Marine and in the midst of our war zones. He might never come home again.

Treat him with some respect. He's willing to give his life and you're mad because he won't go get a temporary job. He'd also be taking a potential job from someone that might be at their ropes end in trying to support their family.

If he "has" to go to work to please you I suggest he go sign up at a temp agency and be up every morning ready to walk out the door by 6:30am. Whether they ever call or not, he has to be ready to walk out the door and be where ever they say they need him within a few minutes.

I understand his thinking it is silly to get a job for just a few months, but what about finding someplace he can volunteer on a regular basis until he leaves?

Volunteer time is still a good thing to ultimately put on a resume' when he leaves the Marine Corps, or even if he needs to show what he did between finishing school and entering basic training.

If nothing else... is there a local Habitat for Humanity chapter in your area? He could be helping others and also learning some skills helping build houses.

I understand about not wanting him to do a bunch of video-gaming. I understand that you want him to honor his commitment of paying you for fixing the truck.

What did you have in mind BEFORE to give him for a graduation present? Or did you already give him one? If you want to forgive the debt for the truck for a grad present, then that's fine, but what you need to do is make sure that he understands that honoring his financial commitments is very important. If he borrows money while in the military, he will get in trouble if he doesn't pay it back. His CO will burn his hide AND he will have to pay. They are very strict.

Take these last few months and give him a crash course of "how life works". Teach him how to open a bank account (if he hasn't already), how to write checks and how to balance his checkbook. Teach him the perils of losing/using his debit card/credit card. Make sure he understands COMPOUNDING INTEREST. These kids don't understand that if they buy a stereo system on their credit card and only pay the miniumum every month, that they end up paying two or three times what they would have paid in cash.

Teach him what garnishing wages means. What a lien on his truck means. Teach him how car insurance works. He needs to understand how to look for bargains, YET get good coverage. Have him read consumer reports on the companies so he sees what jack-leg insurance is and what decent, yet affordable insurance is. Even if he doesn't have a car in the military, he will need to know this all his life.

Show him what a budget is. Some military kids decide to move into an apartment rather than staying on base in cheaper housing. They don't know what a rental agreement is like, deposit, subletting, and the awful thing of getting hooked into someone else's debt because they didn't make them sign the lease.

Teach him just how important it is to not get a girl pregnant. The military will take child support out of his check for the entire time he is in the service. And then the regular court will make him pay when he gets out. He needs to understand how important it is to practice safe sex.

Right now you're sad that he's leaving. But the best thing you can do is send him on his way with KNOWLEDGE. He didn't learn this stuff in school. You need to teach him. Plan on "x" amount of time each day to work on this with him and require it of him. Have him washing dishes, cleaning his bathroom and washing his clothes. Tell him that grown men don't have their mommies cleaning up after them.

This will help him not continue to act like a kid while he's in your house. It's your job to require it of him. Then he can go off on his new life adventure feeling like a man...

Ditto all the advice about allowing your son the emotional freedom to leave now, not later.

An important training tip for your son, the spring / early summer weather is way nicer to train in than the hot, humid days of mid to late summer. Just sayin'....go now, not later. Wearing all that combat gear, walking 10 miles at a time in combat boots...is much more comfortable when the weather is cooler.

And PS, my narcissistic parents never came to my HS graduation, where I received an award. Just knowing that you want to be there for him is emotionally supporting enough for him.

I wish it were easier having a child graduating and moving out. I completely understand wanting that milestone rite-of-passage. I think its also important for him to have that time with his class and having everyone celebrate this accomplishment with him and you. You're proud of him.

I also understand that he's driving you a little crazy right now. He had a job and now is just sitting there doing nothing. I think he needs some structure - from a job, chores, whatever it is. He's in limbo right now - he's technically done with high school, but has nothing to do and nowhere he has to be until Basic. Talk to him and figure out something for him to do that's productive.

My son graduates in a few months and its really not easy. (((hugs)))

Never loan money you can't afford to lose. If you want the $ back, I would sit down with him and create a long-term plan. He has a lot ahead of him and is unlikely to find a job for the few months he has left. I would tell him that in lieu of a job, you need him to help around the house and work out a reasonable list. I bet you have a lawn to mow. He can also consider doing handyman/odd job work for neighbors for money. I wouldn't do more than put food on the table for him. He can pay for his own outings and gas. Kids make dumb choices. He will learn very soon that the military isn't going to let him just get fed up and quit. I think that will be a good lesson for him. I would not kick him out before he walks for grad, since that is coming up soon and he stayed for you.

I see a mom scared to death not just of her son graduating, but of her son joining the armed forces... and not just the armed forces but the Marines. He's doing it by choice. How dare he, right? :-)

I don't think he's being lazy or selfish at all. I think he's taking a very well deserved break. If he doesn't want to walk to get his diploma, that's just a technicality. He graduated already. He did it. He made it. You witnessed him doing it and succeeding. You were part of that.

I like the idea of still making sure he pulls his weight around the house and yard... he still needs to be part of the family and take part in family events while he's home too.

His is pretty old. Is this really his class or did he repeat a grade? I am assuming he was held back, but I could be wrong. He might not consider this class 'his class' and doesn't see the point in walking with kids he thinks of as younger class men. Did he get held back in Kindergarten or was it later?

Also, you mentioned his dad died. From what I understand a child will get SSA support until HS graduation or until he/she is 19.5 years old if they are still in HS. Has this money ended? He might know he can no longer support you with the child support and needs to join the military to support you.

edit: Medic mom, sorry to assume that (I guess when you mentioned the truck it made me jump to that conclusion). I also noticed you other posts. I recall reading somewhere about some parents hold their kids back a year to get the extra support.

It must be so hard to think of your teen son leaving. My teen left for college in August, but that's quite different than the military.

I understand why you'd want to see him graduate! But it also sounds like perhaps you didn't discuss expectations. I would expect a 19 year old who was not attending high school to go out and get a job, pay for their own spending, gas and clothes.

Perhaps it's time to revisit the situation - you can let him stay at home til the summer and spend perhaps 5 months doing nothing, tell him that you expect him to seek out employment for his own pocket/gas money, and let him know that if he doesn't wish to do that, he can leave now. But really, it isn't up to you. He can decide to leave now regardless of your wishes; he is not a minor. I think that before you told him that you wanted him to stay home for 6 or 8 months after finishing HS, you needed to set some expectations together, as two adults.

I feel as if you are depending on your son for a lot, and I don't mean money. Yes, you've been through a lot together, but he is a young adult now (like my college freshman) and ready to move on with the life that he wants for himself. He probably feels like you are holding him back. If the only reason that he is still with you is for you to see him graduate, then that's not reason enough and I am sorry because it would have been terribly painful for me not to see my teen graduate last year.

Good luck!