My Daughter's Post Christmas Let Down

Don't spoil her the rest of the year, and then you don't have to scale back at Christmas.

I don't know that there's any good transition -- most people feel a little down after Christmas. But she does need to learn to be grateful and gracious about what she did get. So if she's being grumpy and having tantrums, send her to her room with all her stuff until she can be pleasant. She shouldn't be allowed to act like that at 11.

I feel like this is what's in store for me! My SD is only 9 but she's a lot like your daughter. If you find something that works, let me know!

The only thing I have discovered is when kids do too much receiving and not enough giving they get strange. It's always worked temporarily to give my SD lots of "helping" to do. What I mean by that, is I don't phrase it as she's being given chores as punishment. Instead it's phrased as if she's really needed, like her help is very important. We do a lot of extra chores and she is praised heavily for her help and contribution to the family. Not only does the busy work keep her mind off of the "disappointment" of the holiday ending, but then she enjoys her playtime more. While this has never been a permanent fix, it does help right after the holidays and birthdays. I've always seen a change in attitude after big helping sessions, a very positive change. Usually it's followed with her doing MORE to help! For example, today she did the dishes ALL ON HER OWN! And then basked in the praise. Her attitude was MUCH better!

Hope that helps some! The trick is you can't give them chores to punish, only let them know they are helping. I think in their eyes it's exchange for all the gifts they received.

It sounds like she needs a good dose of reality. You don't have to wait until the next holiday season -instead -why don't you make it a family new year's resolution to help out at a local homeless shelter or battered women's shelter or soup kitchen? Meals on Wheels is great too! She needs to realize how fortunate she is and that so many people don't have anything anywhere near what she has. Start teaching her about gratitude for small things -like the fact that she can walk, has a closet full of clothes, toys to play with, music to listen to and food to eat. Just talk to her about it. Check out some books or visit some websites about how many people in this world live -not knowing where their next clean water will come from or if they're going to eat for days. A lot of folks in this nation and elsewhere sleep on the streets -some for mistakes they have made and some who don't have the wherewithal to take care of themselves. She's 11, not 2, so her eyes can be opened to some unpleasantness. Don't dump it on her all at once, but start regularly looking into things and volunteering for those less fortunate. Remind her before birthdays and Christmas that those folks don't have anything to look forward to. I have lead a privileged life, but my parents always made sure that I knew I was fortunate. I was spoiled, but never allowed to be a brat. Start teaching her the meaning of, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Also -hammer home the fact that she should express thanks and gratitude whenever anyone gives her a gift -whether she likes it or not. Make her write thank-you notes. She needs to learn to be grateful.

We're kind of running into this with my daughter, who just turned 5 yesterday. She has everything under the sun and her birthday is 3 days after Christmas, so every year, it's like a toy parade at this time of year and they're all for her! She's not quite to the point where she doesn't appreciate ANY of it, but she wanted an American Girl doll this year (because a couple of her friends have them) and didn't get one. I basically prepared her for the fact that she wasn't going to get everything she asked Santa for (a.k.a the doll, since they cost nearly $100). She did pretty well this year with her attitude, but she is already talking about getting more presents at her birthday party when she got everything she asked for except for that one doll. Today, I read her the ten commandments (not because of this, but because she lied to me about something) and one of them is about not coveting what your neighbors have. I was able to explain that it is a sin to covet what others have that you don't and I also explain to her that there are some kids that don't get anything for Christmas or their birthdays because their families can't afford it. I think you just have to remind them all of the time about how much they have and how blessed they are. At your daughter's age, I would recommend taking her to volunteer at a shelter somewhere so that she can see for herself what she has that others lack. She is old enough to go and work to help others. I think it would give her some perspective that she can't grasp without seeing it. Also, help her go through her toys and/or clothes and have her choose some things to give away. This might help her to have a "grateful heart" as we call it in our home. The concept of the "haves" and "have nots" is such a tough one to teach, especially to those that "have", like our family does. However, I came from a family that never did, so I want my daughter to understand just how much she does have. Hard to do when we're surrounded by so much, but we work on it a lot. We give lots of stuff away that we have stopped using/playing with and her clothes that don't fit. Sometimes it's hard for her to let go, but when she does, she'll talk about it for months on end, so I know she remembers it and it's getting through. I wish you the best. Try to get her into some volunteering so that she can see it....I just think she can't grasp what the concept of not having things means.

Have her visit the childrens hospital in your area. Sometimes it helps kids realize what they have and be appericated too. Over all, all kids get this way from time to time........it is hard for all parents to keep a balance. Hopefully it is a faze.

This year we really dialed down on the toys, they got a couple of toys and that was it. They got clothes they needed but only a few toys.
And this year we also made them go through their toys and get rid of toys they no longer played with , were incomplete or broken.
We also told the parents not to go over board.
We also stopped buying things on random days, no getting stuff just because we are at the store and they ask. and if it doesn't get taken care of it goes away because if they don't take care of it they obviously don't care about it so it goes to some other child that will care about it.

You just have to tighten a hold on everything. and say NO more often. If she want's something that bad she can do chores to earn money to buy it herself.

My first thought upon reading your entry was that maybe hormones/puberty are influencing her extreme grumpy-ness. Maybe the anticipation she invests in Christmas and/or her birthday are ways for her to self-soothe, or distract herself from feeling otherwise mopey, moody, and discontented. A good friend of mine told me the other day that her daughter was such a bear to be around, starting at 12 (she's 18 now); and, I know I started experiencing big mood swings at about 12-13.

My point is, it may not be simply a gratitude/attitude thing. This may be an opportunity to for you to tune in to how her changing body is affecting her outlook and moods, and help her learn how to process moody feelings. I remember feeling I had no control over how long I'd feel really happy or in a deep rut, and that darkened my moods even more. Help her educate herself on the things that might be influencing her moods, and further, explore together ways that she can act or choose to look at things to feel more in the driver's seat of her emotional well-being.

i know how she feels. i always get this way after Christmas.

some things you can do next year :
avoid the whole scene of ripping every gift open at one time and just tossing paper and the item around for the next one. take it slowly; one gift at a time. once opened, remind her who the gift was from, and if they are present, have her say thank you right away. another good idea is to have thank you cards on hand and have the kids fill out a thank you card to that person right on the spot as the gift is opened. this will help them remember over time who gave them the gift.

another idea is to reduce the gifts she gets. i know, how horrid, limiting gifts? i have a friend who allows her kids to write a wish list of FIVE items, and ONLY FIVE items. if they want to add something to the list later, they have to remove something from the list. it works wonderfully. she also teaches her kids that even santa has to "make" the toys, so they "send" him money for them. this helps them to learn that gifts arent free, and that they dont come from nowhere... work and money is involved.

anyway, with the list, then you have something to concentrate on, and it can help to limit the items she gets.

ALSO; maybe she needs to learn a lesson in giving. this is going to be hard, and probably easier for you to do than her, but she needs to give away some toys. everyone knows someone who is poor or having a hard time. kids love 'new' toys, even if it is only new to them. have her pick out some toys that she can give away. even if it is only to a thrift shop or 2nd hand store. savers stores give you a 20% off coupon for dropping items off, and also they can give you a slip to fill out how much you think your items are worth, for tax purposes.

if its too hard for her to pick some things to give away, you yourself pick the toys out that she hasnt used in a long time. do this while shes not at home, or not paying attention. bring all the items to the table, and let her "buy" or pick one or two items at most from the table. the rest are going to the thrift shop or a needy person.

i hope this gives you some ideas about how to help. other things you can do is to have a child friendly new years eve party for her to look forward to. thats my saving grace; after Christmas, i get the "let down" but i still know that i can look forward to a good time new years eve. sure, then theres a let down after that, but try to have something to look forward to every weekend. one day a week, that your family can just STOP EVERYTHING and be together. play games. cook or bake. take a walk, go sledding, go to a park, whatever. this will help in general but especially after a big holiday like this. its things like this that i like to do for myself to forget about or get over the holiday let down.

anyway. its great that you can still provide a merry Christmas for your family, with lots of presents. but theres more to life than that. maybe your whole family can concentrate some funds to a worthy cause, or toys for tots or something, reducing what your family members are getting, but get that feel good feeling of giving.

and always remember, keeping up with the joneses will only make you more broke, and no THING will ever make her happy. TIME is what should matter. spend time with her. like i said, play games. read a book. take a trip to the library or someplace. do something with her.

above all remember: this is not your fault. her feelings are her own, not yours. you dont have to feel guilty for them. its just the way she is. i understand it because i feel the SAME way. for me its less about the presents and stuff, and more about the fact that my family has gone home now, and its so quiet and lonely here. i liked playing games with them all, and its so sad to have them gone.
see if you can talk to her and get any kind of sense of what shes thinking. dont judge, dont respond even, just ask her to tell you whats up and you will just listen. anyway, you are not a bad parent because she feels bad. i feel bad too and im the adult LOL

good luck

This is a good age to start a soup kitchen tradition or some sort of volunteer opportunity. This is not a "good" parent situation, just an opportunity to make another choice. This is also can lend some perspective about what creates happiness: things, what can be obtained... or giving, helping others which leads to appreciation for what one has...

Here's my philosophy, its just mine... The goal of parenting is not to create a happy child but a resilient adult. Fundamental joy versus instant gratification.
Jen

Can you help her clean out and reorganize her room during this vacation. At least she can enjoy her new things more with a little extra space. Also old toy and clothes can be donated.

I know this may sound strange but is she getting enough sunshine this time of year? Days are so short and cold this time of year and some people are really sensitive to the lack of sunlight. Getting outdoors as much as weather permits or getting a full spectrum light might help. Getting back on track with regular routines may help a bit. My son is a lot younger (5) but gets very difficult when he is overtired.

Scaling back in future is one idea. One of my aunts also puts aside some of the gifts from Christmas and Birthdays and pulls them out weeks or months later (she lets the kids choose the favorites first).

Perhaps you can start a project you can work at a little every day so she has something to focus on.

I read the other responses, I agree she may suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Look up the symtoms and see what you can do to help her with this.
However:
Is there a gift she has always asked for and doen't receive? When I was about 9 (1963) I asked for a guitar and lessons for Christmas. My dad was totally against my learning to play music because only sluts play music in a band. (yes I know really absurd reaction) My mom told me over and over that since no one in her family played music we weren't 'those kind of people'. Now at 56 I still don't know how to play. Yes I am an adult and everytime I had the money for lessons I didn't have the time and when I had the time I didn't have the money.
Result: I hate the holidays.
If your daughter has been asking for the same gift and doesn't receive it she will be disappointed every year. Unless her request is really outlandish, like a horse and the cost of the horse, board and feed is beyond your ablility to pay or a trip you can't afford, give it a chance. I would have happy to receive music lessons (even piano) over a pile of new clothes etc. My parents could have easily afforded a guitar or piano and lessons, they didn't want me to have it.
Consider her request.

my girls are very young- but to avoid such things with them I have instated a christmas tradition of donating toys and clothing to children's organizations- the idea here is to keep them from forming overly strong material attachments to "things". As my children get older I will also have them donate their time in a soup kitchen to help serve people who have less. I think these traditions and practices will allow my daughters to be humble in their blessings, and to have perspective that there are bigger issues in life than what's trendy, or what their friends own.

You need to teach her how to be of service to others.... once she has this as a part of her life then other things will fall into place. I truly believe that is the key in life, the key to balance and contentment.

11 is a GREAT age to start this b/c they are allowed to do so much at that age. start small ... giving away toys, clothes, etc. then build up as your schedule and her age dictates.. food shelters, raking leaves in the fall, etc.

Aw, I'm sure you're doing your best, and your daughter's feelings are probably typical.

Now that she is older, you can talk (BEFORE holidays) about how this sometime happens.

You can also try having her help deliver presents to homeless shelters, etc., so she's more likely to appreciate all that she does have. And also stress the real meaning of Christmas - it's not just about presents.

You are right to try to Keep It Simple.

Best wishes!

:0)
My one friend actually shared an idea that they found worked this year.
They don't do the big holiday build up. They simplified(due to money and stress). Three presents per person period. They did not decorate much.
They kept things as normal as possible.
Because their kids have aspergergers, they get overwhelmed at it all. This year, they were totally different kids. No complaining either.