My Son Needs Something

My husband is a reformed bad boy. What helped him the most was really getting in trouble with the law. Maybe take him to visit a jail or juvenile detention center? Maybe seeing what it's like will change his mind about his actions. He might react better to meeting a mentor that's not his relative or parent, someone who's been there and can tell him from experience what he's in for if he doesn't stop.

Boot camp. I'm serious, my frieds son was in trouble all the time, nothing work. Now he's in boot camp and doing great.

You may be interested to look into online public school. This will allow you to have more control over what he does all day long both acedemically and socially.

I would also recommend that you get rid of the friends he is hanging out with.

A lot of one-on-one positive attention might be just what he is begging for... both from you and a positive, loving male role model. If his step-dad is not able to fill that role, and his father is not around, then you should look into the big brother program... worked awesome for my brother.

I have a background in juvenile corrections and I think you need to get some outside help immediately because what you are doing has not worked, is not working, and will not work. I would suggest that you contact the local juvenile probation department and make an appointment with at least one of the probation officers. Sit down with him or her and have an honest discussion about your son. (Don't sugar coat and don't play up his good qualities. You aren't there for his good qualities.) Ask the PO for his recommendations and listen to them with an open mind. It's easier to get a twelve year old on the proper path than it is a fourteen year old.

I would also strongly recommend a psychological assessment (with a licensed practitioner NOT a therapist - and preferrably one who deals with juvenile issues). Your son sounds as though he has some very serious psychological concerns - perhaps an attachment disorder?

Honestly I would be surprised if an out-of-home treatment facility isn't recommended. And I hope you consider this very seriously.

I saw a number of teenagers enter the juvenile correctional system (and who subsequently graduated to the adult system) who probably could have been diverted if their parents hadn't been so deeply in denial when they were younger. I'm glad you seem to be interested in reaching out for help. I wish you all the luck in the world.

K.,

I can tell you are a great mom with a loving heart.

Your son needs professional help immediately. You wrote, "He has been in trouble since he could crawl." That makes me think he may have been BORN with a chemical imbalance that needs medical attention.

Now that he's 12, he's also acquired 12 years of life experience - a lot of it not positive due to his behavior - he's in desperate need of therapy and behavior modification.

You say your husband doesn't get along with him like you had hoped - perhaps your husband could have been a better father to your son - it's also possible your son has been a handful from the moment your husband met him and your husband, like everyone else in your son's life, just doesn't know what to do with him. Most people find children and adults like your son very hard to be around.

As his mom, of course you can see the good inside him - I want you to know that I believe he has good inside him, too - but you need to do whatever you can to STOP this behavior or you will be visiting your son in jail.

I volunteered at a women's jail years ago and boy, were my eyes opened. It's too horrible to even write down here, but your young son is heading towards jail and he will be easy prey for older boys and eventually, men. While I believe God can heal anyone from anything, I would not wish that path on even my worst enemy.

You mention you go to church, so I will also remind you to pray, pray, pray, pray. Let God be the first thing you think of when you wake and the last think you think of before falling asleep. Get your son's name on prayer circles.

And God bless you for reaching out - it takes courage and a mother's love to admit our children are in trouble and need help. You and your son are not alone with these struggles and your post may help another mother out there, who is facing the same thing, but is too terrified to ask for help.

Blessings, M.

K.-

There are many ideas that are running through my head but I don't want to ditract from the most important one ---- GET YOUR SON AND YOU SOME PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. The police have been involved. He has been on probation for aggressive, dangerous behavior. He is SETTING FIRES! These are not "typical" behaviors for boys. He needs help, NOW. Please find someone you trust and get him off this self-destructive path. The next time it won't be probation; it WILL be detention hall. As a teacher and mother of 3 (one a 12 year old boy) I can assure you this is not behavior that can be modified by advice from this website.

He is crying for help. Please don't delay.

If he was in special education classes (especially a self-contained classroom) he should have an IEP that already did some psychological testing and addresses his behavior yes? If not the school system is a good way to get free testing for him along those lines but you will have to both advocate for him and also listen to what the team of specialists say. I agree with the other woman who posted that you should definitely seek outside help and see if you can get some assistance with a behavior modification plan. He is somehow either getting reinforced for his actions or there is something chemical that might need to be addressed (lower or higher levels of certain neurotransmitters like dopamine for instance).

Good luck!!!
N.

My grandson is to start in special ed kindergarten this fall. He's not able to talk in a way that people can understand him. Although he's 5 and both the therapeutic preschool he is in and we at home have been working with him he does not know the alphabet and can only count to 7. He can write his name but often it doesn't look like his name. He is often rowdy to the point that he could knock me over. I see it as over the top exuberance. But it is also an indication of a problem in his brain and nervous system. He also gets over the top angry, hitting and kicking. My daughter worked with a therapist thru the school system to learn a better way to handle him. She then taught me. He is getting calmer.

Federal law mandates that the school provide an education for all children. My daughter is working with a team from the County Educational Service District. He's been evaluated in all sorts of ways and he has an IEP (Individual Education Plan) If you haven't had help from the school district you should ask for evaluation and an IEP. YOu should have been having this help while he was a toddler. However, you only get the help if you ask for it.

So ask for it. Perhaps you have been offered help and you didn't understand or disagreed with their diagnosis. Since he's in special ed I suspect he does have an IEP.

Is it possible that you don't trust the school system and have not carried thru on their recommendations? How does removing him from school help him to learn? I strongly suggest that you work with his teacher to learn what is going on with him. I've taught, I have a handicapped grandson and seen how "the system" has helped both him and his mother a whole lot.(I know that's not politically correct but it does describe his condition in a more realistic way.) The school will not keep a child in a special ed. class without reason and they have to tell you their reasoning.

We think that my grandson is more intelligent than he appears because of his lack of speech. Since he's not able to learn the ABC's and nu;mbers by age 5 I suspect that he may not be academically smart. Yes, he's smart in many ways that are not educationally involved. We all have strong points and weak points. His inability to learn at age 5 tells me that he is either slow and will eventually catch up or does not have the necessary nerves and brain make up to be able to learn. That is OK. Even as a handicapped boy he is so very loveable.

He also has a whole lot of anger which all of us have to learn how to deal with. I cannot relate with my grandson in the same way I related with my daughter and my granddaughter. He has learned to go to his room when he's out of control. He does manage to regain self-control in a reasonable amount of time. Is he a slow learner in the area of behavior? It's possible.

I do know that I cannot respond in a gentle manner as I did with my granddaughter. With her I'd sit on the floor in the same room and after she regained control she would come to me to be held. My grandson yells at me to get out of the room. And even when he's calm he doesn't want to be held. The given in each situation is to respond in a neutral manner and never give in even after they've calmed down. That's difficult for me still. I want to reward the calm and whatever started this isn't all that important. In fact if she'd approached me in a calm manner and given her reasoning I might have told her OK. She's 8 and able to do that most of the time now.

It is so easy to "walk on eggs" so that our child doesn't misbehave (I did that with my daughter and it didn't work.) She still has temper tantrums 3-4 times/year. I've learned to leave without engaging in an angry conversation with her. She still will call me and tell me, that because I left, I can never see my grandchildren. I used to respond to that threat by crying and trying to talk reasonably with her. She is over it by the next day as if it never happened. And I never cry or talk with her in response to her threat.

I'm describing these behaviors because they may be similar to your son's behaviors earlier on. Dealing with a kid who's always in trouble is so frustrating that it's so easy to use negative ways to control him. Yelling is one of my weaknesses. So is trying to keep the peace no matter what.

Your husband is a step-father. It might help to let him have a whole lot less of responsibility with your son. I imagine he's just as frustrated as you and this is the way he copes. He doesn't know what to do, either. Does he get along with your daughter's? Fathers have more difficulty with sons then with daughter's. When the father is a step parent they almost always have a difficult time. The step-father didn't get to bond with the boy when he was a baby and loveable. I learned when I accepted the girl who eventually became my daughter that bonding is so very important. Kids with difficulties are frequently acting out because they did not bond with their parents. Fortunately my adopted daughter and I became attached. But it took a couple of years or so. She came to me when she was 7.

When we bond we become attached to that person. we trust them and we want to please them. As they get older we teach them how to make decisions with which they are pleased. Because they've successfully learned how to obey their parent(s) and feel accepted and loved by them they have a strong foundation on which to build their own values which usually mirror their parent(s) even as teens. But because they are trying so hard to be independent they frequently don't let their parent(s)know that they honor their parent(s) values. Separating from our parents is a difficult task. Even as an adult I had difficulty to totally feel empowered to go against their wishes. But then I didn't rebel as a teen.

Some of what your son is doing is related to his age. He's very close to being a teen. However, I'm very concerned about his burning magazines. Lighting fires can be related to an emotional difficulty. Fire frequently represents anger. Your son must be very angry. Live has dealt him a cruel blow.

However, protecting him does not help him to become a responsible person. Protecting seems to be an instinct that we mothers have difficulty stopping. Discipline is always needed. And it works best if the discipline related to the offense. I suspect taking everything out of his room increases his anger and decreases his positive sense of self. A more related discipline would that he's grounded. He has to be at home so that he doesn't have the temptations being elsewhere provides.

I have a tendency to not carry thru on discipline as I tell myself that I don't want to deal with the anger and I "know" they won't obey so why try. With my grandchildren I've discovered that if I stay firm in enforcing the discipline, no matter what, that they eventually learn that doing what I say is easier for them. Letting them off the hook is easier for me.

I think that your son needs professional help to deal with his emotions and actions and that you'll feel less frustrated if you're able to learn a different way of parenting. What you've been doing hasn't worked. Try something else.

As others have said, turning your son around so that he's able to stay out of detention and prison has to happen NOW. The older he gets the more difficult he will become and it's less likely that anyone or anything will change him.

School drop outs, which is what you seem to be describing, makes life a whole lot more negative and increases his risk of continuing in negative behavior and going to prison.

If you haven't been working with the professionals available thru your school it's time to rethink your lack of co-operation and listen more carefully to what they're saying. Have you asked if your son is able to do division. Talk with his teacher about your concern that they're holding him back. Find out on what they're basing the scope of his educational program. And listen with an open mind. As parents, it is so hard to admit that our child isn't able to meet our expectations of them being like everyone else.

If you had a good relationship with his earlier probation officer ask him what he recommends.
Then be willing to try it. The school district might be able to provide an evaluation. Perhaps they have and you don't agree. Then go to a private psychiatrist or therapist who has been trained in giving evaluations of children and teens. Do you have insurance that will cover mental health treatment? If not you may be able to get a second opinion from the State's Department of Human Relations or from a county or city office.

I suggest that you find a support person for yourself. Perhaps another mother whose child is doing OK in special ed. and who has successfully worked with "the system." Friends who love you and accept your son's handicap can be a big support. They probably don't know what to do either but they can help you keep your "sanity."

Once you find a therapist with whom to work they will also be a support person. We need to have joy in our own life before we can help provide joy for our children.

I just realized that you live in Alaska. You may be in a very small school district in a small town that is not able to provide the professional services that you need. However, they can tell you how to find them. It may be that your son will do best if he goes to a inpatient treatment center. As much as you don't want that please consider it if local professionals suggest it.

Another idea. Since your husband and son don't get along perhaps you could find a Big Brother for your son. There is an organized program called Big Brother Big Sister but if you don't have that in your area perhaps you could find another man to spend time with your son and provide him with a positive role model as well as with a someone who will praise him and help him to do fun things that boys and fathers do.

Hi K.,

I'm sorry to hear about your son, and this must be very painful for you and your family, including your son. I'm wondering if you've had your son checked for ADHD. ADHD is often associated with other disorders such as Oppositional Defiance Disorder, aggressive behavior, and violence, as well as academically not keeping up; they also tend to exaggerate wildly and pester non-stop. However, it has no association with levels of intelligence, and many people with ADHD are very intelligent. ADHD kids are those ones that everyone wants to love but drive them nuts. You may want to find an expert to diagnose your child, and if he has ADHD, find a treatment program that you all believe in and can stick to religiously. Not all treatments are medication, and people can have good results (though probably not as dramatic) with counseling, mental exercises, lifestyle (lots of exercise, strict diet in high protein, no TV or video games), and a lot of reminding and working with him on social skills, etc. People with ADHD are hard to get through to (by reasoning, rationality approaches, etc), and simply see and process the world differently. There are good things and bad things about that. Try not to kill the good things, but it sounds like he needs some professional help.
Best wishes.

You say your son has been in trouble since he could crawl, sounds like you determined at a very early age that he was trouble and he's lived up to your expectations. He's 12 years old, there is normal pre-teen angst, but coupled with his other behaviors you need professional help for all of you in your family. The tough love works up to a point, taking everything away from him until there's nothing left to take and then one more thing happens, what are you going to do? Taking him out of school is the wrong thing to do. He needs the structure of the classroom and the social interaction with other kids. Decisions and consequences. You said he was in special ed classes, why? Behavioral problems don't necessarily get you a seat in that program, so does he have a learning disability? If he does, that could explain his frustration and acting out. He can't control somethings in his life so he's going to do things he can control, and those are the damaging, hurtful things. Give him chores at home. Making his bed, taking out the garbage, cleaning the bathroom, doing his laundry or at least folding it, working in the yard. Reward him for good works and follow through. Give him structure. Same with his homework, study table at home 2 hours every night. It may sound like a lot, but a normal work day is 8 hours in length, kids are in class 6 hours a day, 2 more at home = 8. This type of 'practice' gets them ready for any college/community college/voc/apprenticeship classes/studies or a work day. If he was in special ed, he had IEP's every year. Continue that, or something similar with his teachers this fall. Explain the situation and that you need timely feedback when there are problems, when there are successes, so you can partner with them to help him succeed. Your daughters will need help in coping with their brother, your husband in dealing with this acquired family and you, where you don't see him as a problem waiting to happen. Some one on one bonding time is needed for each of your kids. Whether it's taking him to a ballgame, a park, a museum, a movie, paintballing, bowling...whatever, he needs that shared good experience with either you or his step-dad. Same goes with your daughters, one on one, not a threesome. All of the above, shopping, craft store so you can get supplies of their choice to make something together, whatever. Then do things together as a family. It takes time to balance out the joys of family, the joys of living with the chores necessary to provide for the joy... He's your boy, who's had a troubled past but still has a bright future if you can see through the smoke and haze. I wish all well.

Hi K.,

I am so sorry you are going thru this very confusing and emotionall painful time. I really encourage you to get your son tested for ADHD and Anxiety Disorder. Something chemical might be going on inside him and it is better to rule it out and move on from there instead of trying to fix the surface. My son is 8, and we had a VERY ROUGH year this last year. Hitting, trantrums, throwing objects in school. He actually got suspended and expelled! In second grade!! And he is the typical child that is loving, fun, smiey, adoring and smart. He was diagnosed...finally..and although has to take medicine twice a day he is EXTREMELY better and has stopped all his outrages. I hope things go well for you, and very soon.

Take care and I will be praying for you and your family.

S. @ Hair Lounge

I hate to say it but I've seen similar problems before. Please take your son to see a doctor for a complete physical then ask for a referral to a specialist in the field of the adolescent developing brain. This is a field that doctors are learning maybe a contributing factor in criminal behavior. Please understand I'm NOT calling him a criminal, I'm just saying that it has prompted the closer study of the developing brain. Perhaps new tests will allow doctors and your family understand what needs to be done before things get out of hand (you can not turn the hands of time backwards so please don't waste precious time now). If they find nothing unusual perhaps a Psychotherapist, Psychologist or Psychiatrist maybe needed but, please check the phyisical issues first. Keep him involved with church but don't force it on him as he may resent it and refuse all religion later.
Also watch his diet, caffiene made my step-son VIOLENT! Everything we take into our body does have an effect. And everyones' body chemistry is different. My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the luck and blessings you can find along the way.

K.,

I do think you have had several AMAZING responses here already! You really need to think long and hard about what you've heard already and decide to take appropriate action.

Your son desperately needs a thorough academic and psychological evaluation so a correct course of treatment can begin! If the school is keeping him in Special Ed classes ALL day, and he's as bright as you say--I'm guessing that this is their ONLY WAY to keep him from disrupting the other kids in the regular academic classrooms. "Put him with the kids who won't be as affected academically." This is probably because the classroom teachers in the regular Ed classes have no training in what to do with someone who has the needs he apparently has. I'm sure the teachers are very uncomfortable with him, as they sense his disrespect and know it isn't something they can "fix" by just being nice to him, allowing with all that their own classroom demands (teaching many other kids and following their own curriculae).

All of it screams out that his current situation is NOT helping. Since public school systems are Federally mandated to provide an education to all students (even those with major emotional/behavioral needs), it is your responsiblity AND the school district's to find placement that is correct and effective for him. I'd bet that the district doesn't have a program for him, and in that case, they might be required to pay to have him sent to a psychiatric-based program. For example, in the Seattle area, there are several HOSPITAL based school programs for students with severe emotional and behavioral needs (ones similar to which it seems your son may have). These kids come from public school districts that fund their tuition in these privately-based programs. You might need to contact a lawyer to convince the school district that something like this would work (a la, I'll sue you for failing to provide him an adequate special ed diagnosis and therefore education), but having a positive relationship with the school district is also critical. Since you are in Alaska, you might need to put him in a residential based program that could be very far from where you are.

You need to be emotionally ready to do something like this if you are going to save your son (and your family) from a very, very, miserable future.

Be as proactive as possible. Make sure you contact your own pediatrician for advice about physiological issues in addition to psychiatric ones. Be positive when you make initial contacts with the school--because kids like your son can be very difficult when you can't treat them like you would if they were your own child at home (trust me on this!), regarless of how much you want to help.

Your son needs: current counseling, IEP review/or new SP. Ed evaluation, and a serious physiological/psychiatric evalutation. Educate yourself on the best ways to help make these things happen. Educate yourself about the school district's curriculum so you can be aware of exactly where he is academically compared to other kids his age. Educate yourself about academic/behavioral based programs that he can benefit from. If you want to learn how to best help your son, there is a lot you need to do on your end. You can do it, keep praying, and asking for advice when you need it!

Best wishes for you. Keep us posted on what happens.

Hello my name is S. and I was just reading about your son. I would like to tell you that when I was a teenager (16-17), I was into all kinds of trouble. My parents were at wits end with what to do with me. They asked the chruch and they told them about a place called Project Patch Ranch. I was sent there. I really didn't like it at first but now that I am older (24) and look back it was the best thing ever. They teach you that there are consequences for your actions. (Not that you aren't!)They have onsite counselors and school. You have to earn ALL your priveledges. If you do something bad or not right you get them all taken away and have to earn them back. You should look into it, it might be right it might not be. www.projectpatch.com I do have to say that I did learn alot and am very thankful that my parents sent me their. I know saved my life and the relationship with my parents! I am now happily married for just over 5 years and have 2 beautiful kids! I hope this helps and you find something that works for your son, you and your family are in my prayers. S.

I know this sounds like an excuse, but really it isn't. Have you ever had your son tested for ADD or Anger control problems? What you have described sounds exactly like my older brother, and my step-son, both coincidentally, named Jonathan. My step-son is very smart, but he has a chip on his shoulder all the time. He would start fights at school, light things on fire, steal etc... We finally got him tested for ADD and he has been on a medication called Adderral that I think is a GODSEND. My nephew was also on this medication, as well as two twin boys I used to babysit, all with ADD or ADHD. The adderral doesn't make them zombie-like, like ridilin or other drugs that I DO NOT ENDORSE can. But honestly, since my step-son has been taking the adderral, he has gone from failing school and getting into trouble, to getting B's and only having one or two referrals at school. The children need to understand that the adderral only helps them to focus, and not be fidgety, and helps control anger, and some impulses. But these children also need a LOT of supervision. It's been shown that these children left to themselves or with lots of "free time" to play etc get into a lot of trouble because they just are bored and want something to do. We created a structured day for our step-son and it has helped. By the way, my step-son will be 12 in December.

I do agree that counseling would be good as well. I hope this has helped you some.

Please! Get your son counseling! My brother now 40 started behaving in the way you describe your son at about the same time. Setting things on fire, stealing, trouble in school, etc. He is now in prison for his 3rd time. I believe he has a checmical imbalance coupled with a learning disability that went unnoticed. As a child of the 70's these issuses were not as openly discussed or understood and lack of diagnosis impacted his self esteem. My brother has a complete lack of respect for rules and authority especially my Father. Over the years he began running with the wrong crowd and got into to drugs and theft. I think people with these issues develope a sick need for an adreniline rush to make up for the chemical imbalance in their brains, so they self medicate with destructive behavior and/or drug-alcohol abuse. My Mother can't forgive herself for not having seen the signs. And I as the younger sibling trying to make up for my brothers short comings was deeply affected as a child. I think you are on a good path looking for advice on this, but don't hesitate. If money is an issue contact the state for reccomendations to centers that offer financial assisitance or sliding scale fees for counceling. Also, if he is having trouble in school, insisting he be put into harder classes is only going to do further damage to his sence of failure. Some kids just don't learn like others and if he does have a disability, traditional classes will be overwhelming and stressful.

Your son has an extremely good heart, he is just a bit confused on how to address the world. His heart is aching; he wants to do the right thing. He has some learning issues. Get him some good testing for learning disabilities. He also has some negative spirits hanging around. Find someone who can help him release these. He has a bright and promising future and good at fixing things.

HI Kristy,
I wish I had all the right answers for you. I would check out and see if he might have adhd or also opositional defiance disorder. He just might be suffering from that. It is also possible that he needs more one on one time from you or dad if that is possible. I wish I could solve it for you. I can feel your pain. It is so hard to deal with these things at times, but I know that you are a strong mom and that this will get better. Keep you faith in him and love him unconditionaly and hopefully it will get better soon. Best of luck to you..

You might try Scouting. It will keep him active in a positive manner. He will be able to try different things and he will most likely find something that he really excels at and his goals can be set around any learning disablilities he may have. Check out scouting at http://www.scouting.org/

so many good responses. yes absolutely counseling immediately and be persistent if you and he don't like the first (or second or third) counselor - so you can find a really really good one. he probably has a lot of anger about his biological father and his stepfather and maybe other things as well - he needs to be able to express his feelings and be respected and understood and helped to heal from his hurts. drugs should be a last resort but can be useful occasionally (they're way oveprescribed). and don't even consider toughlove or bootcamp type approaches!

Besides getting professions help from a counselor that specializes in troubled kids, I wanted to just throw out a few more ideas (I didn't see them when looking at the other great responses, sorry if I'm repeating anything):

Has he been tested for dyslexia? Many kids are placed in special ed classrooms when they have something as simple to test for as dyslexia. He sounds too smart, bored and angry because he's not being challenged the way he needs to be.

He needs a better father figure in his life. I would definitely partake in some family counseling (or even start with dad going alone) so that they can start building their relationship. Also, I would recommend a mentor for him. He could join the Boys and Girls Club, be part of Big Brothers, join a sport where the coach could be a mentor, or even look into mentors in your community that pair up people who do things that your son is interested in. For example, I have always been an artist. When I was a teenager, I was mentored by a wonderful woman and amazing artist that I knew since I was a baby (she worked with my mom before I was born and was part of our church). Because you are already part of a church, you might have an easier time finding someone who will reach out to your son.

He sounds like he has too much free time on his hands. Having him home (instead of in a school environment) probably doesn't help the situation. Neither does being on summer break. Have you thought about volunteering to do things as a family? He needs to learn that others don't have as easy a life as him. He's old enough to help out with things like soup kitchens, Habitat for Humanity or community clean ups. Those things would keep him busy while teaching him valuable life lessons. I think you're really going to have to focus on chores, helping others, exercise, and positive activities. I don't know if you play video games in your family, but I would nix those (especially any fighting/shooting ones) and I would turn off the TV. Do more family activities and focus on fun and respect.

I wish you all the luck!! I know that he's a good boy wanting to get out. Change the way you think about him (e.g. no more "He has been in trouble since he could crawl." thoughts) and focus on who you want him to be. It's SO good you're reaching out and looking for help before he hits the teen years. It will be much easier to reach him now than then. My thoughts are with you. :-)

I agree with the other posters that have recommended professional help and also those that have suggested it would be better if he stays in school. If you take him out he'll have even more free time to get into mischief. The schools can sometimes help kids with behavior problems. The teachers who work in these programs are some of the best and truly want to help children.

I don't want to offend anyone, but sometimes churches are NOT helpful. If you go to a church that focuses on hell and brimstone and tells everyone they are worthless, evil and sinful it may not help a child who already believes that he is hopeless.

A church that focuses on love and forgiveness and has youth activities that are both fun and positive and involved with helping make the world a better place (building habitat for humanity houses, working at food banks and programs for the homeless, doing outdoor activities to benefit the environment, etc.) may be more helpful than a church that is very judgemental of anyone who has problems.

Try to find a way to show him something he cares about to help him focus his anger and energy into action that does something positive.

It's obvious that you want to help your son - don't give up on him!

I am sure you have gotten a lot of very helpful advice at this point, but I will throw out one more suggestion...it sounds like he has always had a lot of energy and just has not channeled it in a positive way--have you ever thought about art therapy? It would be a great way for him to find an expressive outlet without being destructive, a way for his voice to be heard, and cathartic therapy for someone who does not sound like he would benefit from other methods that would squash his spirit or try to overtly control him...it can be an extra tough time for him too, being 12 and having the hormones start kicking in...I am an art teacher to middle school and high school kids, and in my experience, the biggest trouble makers have been those boys around 8th-9th grade...it is not an easy time for them, they are so guided by their peers, dont really want to hear what the "authority figures" have to say, and are just looking for ways to get attention, i think (often trying to get that attention from girls!) Just stay supportive, involved no matter what, and the sooner you can get him some counseling or therapy, the better! Best of luck, and try the art thing--even getting him some paints and canvas and see if he can get into that, it is a great way to channel all sorts of energy, positive or negative!

You need to get him back in school ASAP. If he is in special ed classes it is not simply because he has behavioral issues -- he is not on grade level and that doesn't mean he isn't smart. His behavior may have gotten in the way of his learning but the reality is that unless he gets his education you are not going to see progress. Look into getting him tutoring as well to help him move up to grade level and move on. His age is crucial and, unfortunately, he has been travelling down the wrong path for a little while.

Also, look into getting him a mentor who can be a positive influence, believe in him and encourage him in school and other interests. They find that the best way to ensure success with kids his age (middle school age depending on the school system) is through a non-family adult who mentors them. You should also consider getting him involved in some extracurricular activities or classes in something he enjoys. He will have less time to get in trouble and will feel better about himself.

I wish you the best of luck.

My heart goes out to you and I'm sure that most of the folks who have responded have given you similar advice that you need some professional help with his situation. If he has been diagnosed with a disorder or has had contact with "the system", I would investigate what help is available to him and your family through counseling centers, the school, the state, etc.

You must also realize that it is extremely difficult to educate a child in a public setting with large class sizes when that child is a constant disruption. In fact, you are very fortunate that the school has taken the more constructive route of keeping your son in a special ed room rather than simply suspending him every time he misbehaves which would look like a chain of short term and long term suspensions resulting in your son getting no education at all by the end of the year due to almost no attendance. The public school is supposed to "serve all children" which is almost impossible. One size does not fit all so it might be a good option to check with the school and find out if his behavior is so extreme that they would be willing to work with you to find an alternative program in a mental health facility, alternative education that was actually education, etc. You could also homeschool him using a virtual school like WAVA (Washington Virtual Academy) but then you would need to manage his behavior 24/7 and guide him through the curricula that they would provide so that he could actually learn. That option is free but would put the entire responsibility on you.

It is also understandable that your husband is not getting along with your son with his behaviors. Maybe your whole family could use some counseling and assistance so your marriage doesn't end up suffering with this child's behavior.

Good Luck!

H.

Okay, so everyone else here has said the same thing... but I don't think it can be said enough. Get your son some professional help. It really sounds like he needs a psych assessment. A couple of people mentioned attachment disorders. I didn't read the responses in detail... but fire starting can also indicate sociopathic behavior. It's very important to have him diagnosed by a professional- both for his mental and academic health. Also- smart kids are easily bored and easily bored kids often can get into trouble, especially when there is something going on with his brain. Be strong and consistent in this... and get him help very soon.
You are in my prayers.

Wow, it sounds like you are desperate to get a handle on things. It might be time for some sort of military school to teach him respect and discipline. He's going down a bad road, and you want to do whatever you can to get him under control before it's too late. Or, there's that commercial that's often on the radio for the total transformation method. I don't have any direct knowledge of it, but it might be worth a shot. Good luck!http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?dsource=googlegenh...

Hi K. -
It sounds like you need to get some professional help for you and your son to assess what is going on with him. The behaviors you've described cause me to think he may have some issues that simple discipline cannot address. He may have some deeper things going on and my guess would be they are attachment-related.

Here is a web site you can take a look at for signs/symptoms of attachment disorder:
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php...

Here is the web site for treatment centers in AK:
http://www.akattachment.org/ResTreatCenters.htm

I hope this helps you or gives you some place to start--I will be praying for you and your son.

K.,
Your son needs a really good counselor or psychiatrist who can both counsel and give medication if he needs it. He is obviously lashing out because of something deep inside. Most kids at this age refuse to go talk to someone, but you need to get him there.
Hang in there.

Stay with it, don't give up. While the at home things are working, also try putting him on the "youth at risk" program. That means that when he messes up -- whatever it might be, then the juvenile authorities step in and set the official punishment. It sounds harsh, but what it does is take you, the parent, off the punitive seat, and puts you in the position of being his advocate, as long as he does nothing that you can't defend; such as stealing, setting fires, etc. Home then is the sanctuary, and you are his safety net. I taught middle school for 30 years, and I've seen this work many times. As his behavior improves, the restrictions can ease -- but I love the idea of you and him working together in the church and other community venues. There's nothing like the involved parent to make a huge impression on the juvenile mind!! Good luck.

Sounds like counseling maybe a good option if you haven't done that yet with My. You're doing a great job on guiding him in every way you can. Hang in there.
SB

sounds like your son is not benefiting from conventional school learning. have you looked into schools that have a different way of teaching? I know there is one in Renton called New Horizons. If that is not close to you, they might know of one that is.

Have you got him counceling? this could be just the beginning of things to come. Getting to the root of why he feels the need to act out could help. Also find someone who trained in Love and Logic. This is a very helpful thing to have. It teaches your kids that everything has a natural concequence. If his stealing gets him a trip to Juvenile Detention, don't fight for him. He needs to learn where his actions are taking him. You may even try to get a trip to the jail to let him see how bad it really is and is this the life he is wanting for himself? I believe the website is loveandlogic.com the library has many books and audio you could borrow to get a feel for it more.

K.,

Your son needs psychological help. His behavior is out of control/destructive and you need to do something about it before he hurts someone or himself. His behavior may be do to anger or a need for attention, in either case he needs more than just your talks. It sounds like you tend to make some excuses for him e.g. I can't some of his furniture out of his room, well you got it in there so there must be a way to get it out, I took him out of school because they were holding him back, well then get him in a school that works better with kids like him. You stated that your current husband is not his biological father, this could be a reason why you tend to feel sort of sorry for him, some sort of guilt because his dad is not in the picture ( iam assuming this since you didn't mention him ). I too have a child from a previous relationship and at times I find myself protecting/making excuses for her ( she is 16 ) because in some way I feel guilt I left her dad and took that from her, altough her dad is in her life and my current husband (whom she calls dad ) is a great dad to her and doesn" treat her any different from our other kids. My daughter doesn't behave anywhere near the way your son does but she had a year when she did test us.
Get him the help he needs and you will open a whole new world for him. I know sometimes expense is what stops people but there are ways to get assistance if you need it, your sons well being is at stake. Don't wait to see if he grows out of it..it won't happen. Good luck and may God be with you.
D.

Congrats on homeschooling him. This alone may help alot and will at least give you the ability to understand him better. I have had a few friends that went through the special Ed program all the way through high school and were never "caught up".

www.fosterparents.com has alot of online training packets for just a few dollars apiece. You can order just what you need when you need it.

I want to encourage you in your path. I'm afraid that even with your through explaination it's not enough that I could feel comfortable saying what I think you should do. I simply don't know your family and your son well enough. I do want to encourage you that this is not a hopless battle. Don't give up no matter how long it takes.

We had a wonderful boy focused therapist come to our middle school and he "gets" boys. My recommendation would be to check out his website (http://www.hitonassociates.net/home.php) and the BAM program he runs and consider making an appointment so you and your husband have some support.

You know K., even though your son may not always get respect, that is what he needs. He is feeling invaluable and if someone was to point out his good issues and offer him respect like you want him to do, it would build his self esteem. This is waying on you, too and you will not be at your best if this is a constant. My nephew has been in trouble since early teens and on BAD drugs. He has been in rehab many times, but the thing is, we have never shund him or said mean things to him. We alway love on him and tell him we are hoping he can make the right choices. Being on drugs, it's hard to stay away from that on your own, and we understand that. If you can find out or understand what has happened to him that makes him act out like this, you can work on that with a counselor. Even though he may push you away, don't let him disrespect you and offer the same for him.

It sounds like he's vying for your attention. He probably feels left out as he is the only child who isn't the biological child of your husband. Also, the fact that he and your husband don't get along doesn't help. When my sister and her husband split, she lived with a guy for 10 years who didn't like her son. It was really, really h*** o* my nephew as the boyfriend really liked his sister and they got along really well and so he showered her with attention, but was nasty to my nephew. I'm not saying this is what's happening with your husband, but what may seem subtle to you might seem like a huge deal to a 12-year-old. I would suggest you look into some councilling. There is a centre in Bothell that does family counselling. (Northwest Family Centre or something like that...). Anyway, you might need a third party at this point, as it sounds like your son's behaviour has gotten out of hand. I really urge you to spend time with your son and maybe do something with just you and him or just you and your husband and him if possible. I wish you the best of luck in getting this sorted!

I feel your pain and frustration. My 14 year old is Bipolar and we have lots of behavior issues too. My stepson (now almost 22) had a lot of the same behaviors that you are describing...so its safe to say that I've been there done that :( Sounds like some family counseling may be in order, there has to be some reason your son doesnt like his step-dad and getting to the root of that may be a huge help. Also some individual counseling for your son would be helpful too. Have you looked into Big Brothers Big Sisters? I hooked my son up with a big brother through them when he was your son's age and it helped. I know in my county its hard to find a big brother but even being on the wait list is a step in the right direction. Also maybe you can set up a tour of the adult jail and juvenile hall. Let your son see where his poor choices are leading him. All else fails some tough love may be in order. I have had to call the police on my son and my oldest daughter for being assaultive to me. Its not easy to do that and it took a lot for me to dial the number but it was a real eye opener for my son especially since he ended up in cuffs.

I know how difficult it can be when your child is acting out so severely and how easy it is for you as the mom to blame yourself. It took me a long time to realize that I didn't screw my kid up and that I did and do the best that I can.

Is there another male role model at church or someplace where he can get some positive modeling, since he doesn't like your husband? That would be one thing to do.

Another possibility is that there are Orthodox Christian monasteries who have great role models for children and can really help. They have camps in the summer We have one for troubled teens in Eagle River, Alaska where troubled youths from everywhere have had amazing help. It usually requires that they take a trip up there. (We're Antiochian Orthodox Christian - like the Greek, Russian Orthodox - been around 2000 years without change - we're all the same church).

You can check out this web site: http://www.stjohnalaska.org/stjameshouse.html

This ministry is VERY powerful. I have seen people change like you wouldn't believe, including one drug addict who doesn't even smoke any more, and has grown so much spiritually and as a person, it's AMAZING to behold.

The monastery in Goldendale (http://www.waymarking.com/waymarks/WMPX3) holds camps every summer. It's too late to get in this year.

One more resource - we have a men's monastery near Redding http://monasteryofstjohn.org/contact_2.php that again would be a great influence on your son. We teach self-sacrifice, humility, faith in God, and obedience. ORthodox Chrisianity sometimes has more appeal to males than Protestant Christianity because of the emphasis on self-sacrifice and serving others. In other words, it's tough.
You can usually stay at the monasteries for a small fee and get some advice from the elder there.

In my minds this is 1000x better than the boot camps you hear about.

I have worked in Dv, Mental Health and taught anger mgt. to adults and children. Try using I statements: I feel_____ when you_____ and I prefer_______. He may find it helpful to take an anger mgt class to help himself be empowered and to find words for his feelings. Most children in your situation have said (eventually) they are jealous of the children that are his step dad's real kids. Some alone time with you and alone time with his new dad will be helpful where your son and him work on a bike or go fish, etc. Plus, allow for time outs. I used to suggest a family meeting where everyone gets to say one thing they want to improve about themselves and one thing they like about the family member sitting next to them. Then it makes it about the family and not just him. Avoid saying near him "he's had difficulty since he could crawl." Always remember you are doing a good job raising him and this too will pass. Anything you can say positive first and then the area of improvement. I really like ____ & _____ and want you to work on _______. He's just having difficulty learning to cope without feeling abandoned by his biological dad. Kids steal when they feel an empty spot inside that they don't know how to discuss. Plus, acting out is a sign for attention. He still needs boundaries and consequences but he needs discipline not punishment. Disciplina in latin is to teach. Feel confident that you are making good choices. Hang in there. After he gets done testing new dad and he sees new dad won't abandon him he'll be ok. Some people hang out with others that reflect how much they love themselves so if he's hanging out with not so good kids he needs to see himself as loveable and special. He'll be fine. I feel for you and your family. Have hope.

I think you are very brave to be honest and reach out for help. I think the advice here has been very good--this is not just a phase or something that will blow over on its own. There are only a few short years left for you to influence him, where you are in charge. Once he turns 18, your options will run out. To quote a wonderful book called How To Hug A Porcupine, "The loving thing to do is always the responsible thing to do."

Hi Kristy, it looks like your son has lots of energy and free time to use it. Why don't you try to involve him in something that he likes. Find a sport or activity where he can use his brain and energy. He needs to fall for it, otherwise he will feel like he is punished. How about a karate, wrestling or something like that where you need discipline and follow rules. His aggression needs to vent somewhere. If you can afford that get him into a class every day, not twice a week. That will keep his mind away from the bad stuff. Meanwhile, try to avoid putting labels on him like being a bad boy, the kids tend to stick to theirs labels, he might even like being different. The teenagers actually are trying to be different and to show off from the crowd. Let him have his own "show" but find a positive stage. Give him support and let him know that you love him no matter what. May be he is doing all that to get your attention and love, to see how much you care about him. Wish you luck!

he sounds anger and needs some professional help. I would talk to your dr and ask for a referral. Good Luck!!

I don't have anything more to add, I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you. You continuing faith in your son will be the rock he can cling to as he goes through this difficult time. It looks like the others have posted some great ideas for you. There are alternative schools that think outside the box when it comes to education. There are a couple in Seattle that are public schools, If you go onto their website you can find them.
Good Luck

Sounds like an angry boy from the inside out. You hadn't mentioned anything about his biological father. Was there an issue with him? Seems like his actions are part of something occured for him earlier that was left unresolved. I believe in working with God's love and light. See a white light of God shining down all over his body showering him with unconditional love. It may sound strange, but it works and helps him shed the anger he seems to hold on to.

K.;

I am writing in the hopes that you live in an area that allows you to participate in the Changes Parent Supprt Network meetiings- (Seattle, Redmond, Everett area, Des Moines or Kent). If you are in driving distance of any of those cities, you have a powerful parent support group that meets weekly (Wed., Tuesday, Th., Mon. or Th.-in the order I mentioned them) from 7-9:30 every week of the year.
Our meetings are free, confidential, and over the years we have had many parents who have dealt with the very serious concerns that you talk about with your son, and your husband,"not getting along as I had hoped".
These are not issues to struggle with alone. The gift of being with others who are facing similar struggles is priceless.
My family was "out of control" 12 years ago, and this group save my life, and my marriage..
The program is evidance based, and the parents are highly motivated. You do not need to suffer alone. It sounds like you are already doing the usual "right things" to address the concerns, but they are not doing the trick. That is a common situation our parents find themselves in- It's time to up the ante, so to speak.
I would love to hear from you- I live in Redmond and my number is ###-###-####. The Change Insight Parent Support Network also has a web site cpsn.org.and works well with the courts and schools, etc., where we are well respected.
Good lunk- I commend you on reaching out on behalf of you, your son, and your family.

V. Day, Redmond, Wa. ###-###-####

Hi,

I volunteer for an organization called Albertina Kerr. They do a lot of work with at risk youths-one of largest non-profits for this in Oregon (providing counseling help for kids/families together, school situations, etc.) A lot of the kids kelped through AK came from chaotic family situations. So it sounds like your son already has an advantage in that he has a loving home environment.

If you read about Albertina Kerr organization they also do a lot of work with developmentally handicapped adults so they can live in a self-supporting environment, so they cover a large range of situations.

Good luck.