Nanny Cries for Answers

It is very difficult to have a daughter-in-law that doesn't realize what a help you could be to her. Tell her that sometimes moms, especially good moms like her, need a break. You would like to help with that. Also, you would enjoy seeing the children. Growing up my grandmother didn't have a lot of money either, but she brought me so much love. It was worth every minute I had with her. Sometime she would have my favorite candy bar. She helped me understand life and she loved me to matter what!

Yes, I have dealt with horrible in-law issues. In fact, my issue is in town this week. I am the daughter-in-law in this situation, so I think I can really help. I do not want to offend you, but I’m assuming that you really do want to fix these issues.
My mother-in-law was excommunicated 3 years ago for the safety of our family. She chose to marry a dangerous man. There were issues that I can pick out of your posting here that drove us apart before this nail entered the coffin.
1.) “my daughter in law hates me” How long have you felt like this? Are you familiar with the term “self fulfilling prophecy” Maybe that was not the case to begin with. I don’t know a single daughter or son-in-law that has ever started out hating the parents of their spouse. In-law relationships are hard.
2.) “and i know my son is not much of man”- this type of attitude is unacceptable. No mother should say these things about her son and if you will post it here, I’m certain that it has been said in his presence or the presence of his children. No excuse, unacceptable.
3.) “was there for him always”. Maybe too much? Families need their space and alone time. Good fences make good neighbors.
4.) “"she" rules the roost”. This is not the case. Your son has had some say in this. You have had some say in this. People don’t just cut you out of their lives for no reason. Think back, what exactly happened?
5.) “my life has been lived for them” Again, this reeks of boundary issues. You did a good job raising him. It is time to let him live his life, and time to live your own. Be a part of his life, but only a part. He should only be a part of your life now also.
6.) “but now do not have a income as large as used to. & i think i gave to them too much back then.” This sounds an attempt at manipulation through guilt. This was my mother-in-law’s specialty. After so much of this, it is just easier to stay away then to deal with. This is the type of thinking that drove my husband away from his mother to begin with. Then I was blamed.

The truth of the matter is that men are by nature usually lazy when it comes to relationships. If wifey is not pushing him constantly, these relationships are not nurtured. Do not blame the wife for this. Sons are not as you see in the movies, just as husbands are not what you see in the movies. They do not typically come up with huge thoughtful gestures for anyone. It sounds to me like your son is pretty busy with his life and has forgotten to put the effort into your relationship. The mother child relationship has to be nurtured just like a marriage, though it does not deserve the same attention and that needs to be accepted. I think that all too often men don’t do this; mothers' get their feelings hurt and automatically assume that it is the wife’s fault. After all, before she came along, he was there for you. Well, yes. He didn’t have a family of his own. When the blame is placed on the wife, then she gets defensive and suddenly doesn’t want to help teach her husband to nurture the child/mother relationship.
My suggestion to you would be to start from scratch. Drop all preconceived notions and accept her being the biggest part of your son’s life. Your son has chosen this woman for a reason. She makes him happy and supports him. This should make you happy. You should love and respect her for this. She does not tell him what to do. He is a big boy and can make his own decisions. First be happy in your own life. Happiness attracts happiness. Then maybe just forgive her for all preconceived notions and love her for what she gives your son.
These are just my thought based on my relationship with my mother-in-law. I don't mean to say that this is how it is with your family situation. I hope that you are able to mend this relationship. I think the grandparent role is so improtant to a child. I truely wish you the best of luck.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. your daughter in law sounds like a very controlling and possible insecure woman. My husband and I have 4 boys, do you live in Tx? we'll come visit with you, maybe she'll get jealous and bring your grandkids then!

I am sorry for your loss of your grandchildren. I'm sure that is hard. However, it sounds like since you were a single mom and had a cheating husband that your kids must have been your life. At that time your son and you must have been very close. Now that he has married that relationship had to change. Mothers want to keep those close ties, but wives have a different agenda from mom. I bet the wife felt you were overstepping your bounds and it probably made her mad. It becomes a control issue and you want your son on your side and the wife wants the same. Your son had to cut the apron strings because now his life is his wife and children. Men do not know how to talk to their moms and say, "You need to step back and not come over so much or don't criticise my wife because she doesn't do like you do, etc....." They won't say anything and it leaves it up to the wife to be the bad guy. I bet the wife got fed up and broke all ties. I only say this because I have seen this same thing several times in my family with the boys. (There is a saying that goes.....Have a daughter and keep her for life. Have a son until he gets a wife!) My best advice for you is to work on your relationship with the wife. Ask her what it would take for you to get to be part of "her" family's life and then I would suggest you follow whatever she suggests.

The advice I give is advice that you probably don't want to hear. I have been the daughter in law in a situation not too far from yours.

At the end of the day, they are her children, not yours. She has the right to determine who they spend time with and who they don't. To say that your son isn't much of a man because he "lets her get by with this" is ludacris. Perhaps he agrees with her. And even if he doesn't, she is his wife, and her thoughts and feelings and opinions should, and obviously do, rank higher with him than yours do.

My situation was different in the fact that when all our arguing was going on, we didn't have children. Luckily now that we do, we have repatched what can be repatched of that tattered relationship. This started by them saying things about me and accusing me of "turning their son against them". I would definatly NOT go down that route. My husband still has hard feelings towards his parents because of what they did to me, and ultimatly him. His relationship with them will never be what it was because of the way they tried to butt into our lives and blame me for everything.

I am sure that you will get other advice, supporting you, but I just can't do that.

Good luck! I am sure you miss your grandkids, it must be tough, but attacking their mother and your son are not the way to go about getting to see them.

D.,
You've been given sound advise that is hard to swallow. I'm sure your hurting right now and even mad. It is hard to have to look at yourself in the mirror. Please take in consideration for what the dear women have said, they took time out to reach you. I'm sure you've heard if you can't say something nice then don't say nothing. Be a nuturer in a way that you support your son, his family, and his children. People will flock to you when you have only praise on your tongue. When we talk bad against someone such as my son is not a man for letting his wife run the roost, is hurtful. Have you ever heard of what people are told to do in counceling? They are told that if you want your family member to be wonderful things then you only say wonderful things, then they would want to rise to that bar to be what you see them to be. If you trash talk your kids then your child can't rise above it they are already defeated. Another thing don't manipulate with material things, making someone feel they owe you only makes them feel they can't repay you then a wedge is built. Thats another lesson straight from the Bible don't lend money only give it as a gift with no thought of repayment. It only causes ill relationships when someone can't repay you or if the person is making you feel that they owe you big time. By the way make prayer your first place to go not your last resort. Good luck, the world is such a ugly place out there make your home a place where people can rest their minds. Remember be a part of their life not over their lives. Be glad you raised your son not take out running on his wife. you did a good job raising him now befriend his wife.

You said you and your son were very close once. First sit down with your DIL and explain to her that you aren't there to threaten the relationship between your son and her but that you want to see your grandchildren and have a relationship with them. Also ask your son (who should be present when you talk to your DIL) what the problem is with you having a relationship with grandchildren. Maybe having a clear the air session can make everyone understand what exactly the problem is and get everyone towards healing a broken relationship. If this doesn't work, you might look into grandparents legal rights on the internet because every grandparent has the right to see their grandchildren.

I wish you the best and remember that your love can't be killed by one person and your family will see the truth eventually. God Bless.

D.,

I have had some negative in law experience. To make a long story short, I had to ask myself what my ownership was in the feud. I stopped feeling like a victim and it made things much easier to resolve. What is your ownership in the problem? Good luck!

talk to your son and daughter in law (together)and tell her your feelings and ask her if there is anyreason why she doesn't want you to a part of their lives.
Then go from there. Good Luck

Have you tried talking to them? I'm assuming there is a history here and their is a reason for her actions. Have y'all had disagreements in the past? Does she have a "reason" to be upset with you? (whether it be a good reason or not)

Your best bet is to start with your son. Tell him you want to make things right and you want to be a part of your grandkids lives. From there, maybe he can arrange for y'all to meet and talk and hash everything out.

I hope you will read this through to the end. My gut reaction to your post was that your son IS a MAN!!!! We raise our children to grow and have lives of their own. He is standing with his family and making that a priority. You do not live there and are not part of that core family so do not assume your daughter in law is controling . They must agree and at times a child allows the spouse to take the brunt so as not to hurt mom or dad. Your "cheating" husband did not stick with HIS family but you raised your son better. Take a look at yourself. Were you too free with "advise" and not like it not being followed? Are you too free with negative opinions of them or their choises as adults? When we loose someone in our lives it usually has something to do with US.

With all due respect, I got sick just reading your post. I believe you have gotten plenty of very useful advice and not much else I can add other than this- pls stop being so angry and really reflect on YOURSELF.
My sincere hope is that you regain a healthy relationship with your son and his family, but until you stop believing that everybody owes you ....I don't see it.
I don't mean to sound so harsh, you aked though...
Camille

D.,
Your son and his wife are their own family now, with their own priorities. Your words are indicative of some troubling issues... you call them YOUR grandchildren. They are THEIR children. Your sense of ownership is likely regarded as overbearing and controlling.

You say your son is "not much of a man," Well, let me just say that it takes an extraordinary man to stand up to his overbearing mother. To question his manhood for making his wife priority #1 is ridiculous. Your husband cheated on you - made another woman a higher priority. You should be proud that your son is NOT repeating that behavior, instead of being jealous of his wife.

Basically, I think you are way out of line. However, all is not lost. If you genuinely want to spend time with them, and their children, then you can make it happen. However, you will first have to examine your own motives and actions. I'm certain that if you really think about it, you can come up with some idea why they might not want to spend time with you. If you are willing to make some changes, and ask them to give you another chance... I bet they would.

I hope it works out!
M.

ps - Someone else posted that every grandparent has the legal right to see their grandchildren. That's not 100% true. It differes from state to state. In Texas, a grandparent's right is subordinate to a parent's right.

Dear D., I do not know everything that has gone on regarding both sides of this issue. Your daughter-in-law is most likely jealous of her position and your position in your son's life. She feels she is number one, when in fact, there is no number one, only a mom and a wife ! At the ages your grandchildren are, there is not much you can do. There is always prayer. Then, there is acceptance, D.. The more you demand choices and require people to act just exactly as you want them to, the more difficult it will be for everyone. You could attempt to give it all a rest, and then, regroup and initiate conversation with your son to pinpoint exactly why your daughter-in-law has behaved the way she has. Step by step with great patience you could find a working arrangement.

Good luck. Best wishes.

Try reaching out to your son. Get back in touch with him. Keep inviting him and then them over. Stay nice and calm. Don't accuse or bring anything up. Just keep trying to have communication in a relaxed manner. That means you will have to swallow some pride and bite your tongue often. She is probably jealous of you (as I was of my mother-in-law) and has forced your son to choose. He has not made her feel secure in that his life with her is priority. She, therefore, feels there cannot be room for you as he will always side with you. Once you can get together with them, make is relaxed and pleasant as possible. Don't go overboard and make it obvious that there is room for you in their lives. That you don't want to interfere or take over or intervene. You just want to get to know your grandkids and be a small part of your son's life. Hopefully, she and your son will come around. I'm sorry for troubles. I understand both sides. Try to meet in the middle.

D.,
first i want to say i' sorry ,i have a 6yrold granddaughter and she has a 1/2 sister 8 1/2 brother10 and i knoe excally how you feelever time they get mad at me or upset they keep me from my grand kids it breaks my heart,on thursday my mom calls ask me if i want to go to my granddaughters T-BALL game theres only 1 lrft .I didnt even know she was playing they use the kids as pawns to punish me like i'm a child .threre mother is the root of most of it But it breaks my heart my granddaughter tells me i'm her bestest friend they have been doing this since she was about a year old ,she is almost 7 .so i jhave no advice just love and support & prayers to give you ,hope you can ghive them back for me i miss my sunshine
L.

Great post Tara!

"i raised him as a single mom from time he was 7 years old due to bad cheating husband. was there for him always & we were so close until about 3 years ago. & now "she" rules the roost & is like i never existed."

I hate to say this, but you NEVER EXISTED. At least not to her. You didn't raise her, she didn't have that history.

I struggle regularly with not wanting anything to do with my inlaws. In fact, I feel that way about my parents but they live with us. LOL Anyway, my mother in law and I have had problems from day 1 and she never wanted to build a relationship with me. She didn't want us to marry six years ago and was angry that I was pregnant within two months. She didn't want to see the ultrasound pics and said the baby isn't real until it's born. She did not want me to talk to her and I was told we'd never be friends. She is the 'uninvolved' parent. My mom is one of those who has no boundaries and is constantly pushing herself into our lives. I think I have more problems with her then my husband does.

Honestly I don't know the history between you too but there's a reason you hear the Mother in Law stories. Inlaws have had problems since the dawn of humankind and one of Eve's daughters became the first mother in law. I think if you sat down with her ALONE not asking to see the kids or write her a letter and apologize for your part in the issue and ask her if y'all can work out some kind of solution and build a relationship, she might consider it. That is, depending on how much you acted like a DR Phil guest.

Good luck and God bless,
S., mom to four girls