Need Advice on Husband

Hi L.,
Thank goodness you have a good job. That is a tough situation and you don't want to squash his dream. Maybe you should negotiate something specific with him using the economy as the basis. Have a specific time frame and specific steps he needs to take. I can tell you from a good friend who is a custom home builder that now is not the time to be in that market. He had all sorts of nightmare stories of sub contractors going out of business and more which left him responsible for the repair work.

One other thing I can suggest is tapping him into the ability to consult with attorneys and business consultants. In your message it sounded like if he had access to those resources, maybe some of the bad investments and business decisions might not have happened. Proactive law is always better than reactive. I can tap him into a Home-Base Business Legal plan that would give him unlimited access to attorneys and business consultants (plus some document/contract review benefits, letters written on behalf of the business, plus lots of family benefits including wills, traffic ticket defense, IRS audit support and more) all for a little more than $1 per day.

I think if you get him doing things a little different and having a goal in mind and tapping into helpful resources, you might have a different outcome. However, I think it is reasonable to have a set plan and objectives. Maybe make him do a business plan versus winging it. The services can also give him some insight to that process as well.

Good luck.
S.

This is a toughie. Can you sit down, in a nonthreatening way and run through what your exspenses and finances have been over the past 10 years and what he expects to have happen in the next 2,3,5,10 years that will be different? Ben Franklin, quoted by Albert Einstein, said it best, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result"

Entreprenuers do have the potential to make a lot of money and the tax code is designed for them but you have to be selling what people will and have the money to buy. In this ecomomy there is still a lot of money - but there are a lot of builders, building some pretty spectacular homes, what will set his above the rest?

I have a background in construction and have always had a keen interest in the housing industry, the current trend world wide is toward smaller more efficient structures. Part of the reason the US is in such trouble is that we have been trying to buck the trend and going for bigger buildings and bigger cars- in complete definace of reason and dwindling, easily accessible resources. Would he consider looking becoming a specialist in alternative stuctures and design? A lot of builders are going "green" but it's just a marketing tool, their designs and materials are by no means pushing the limits of comfortable efficiency. I do believe there could be a good market for high efficiency retrofits and new builds. It requires a different kind of thinking and most builders just don't get it. A few places to start could be Canelo project and Out On Bale also right here in Colo, CSU Pinegry Campus, the (formerly) Solar Energy Research Institute in Golden.

Your frustration is understandable but I can understand his love of this field. There is money to be made but he is going to have to develop some vision and find or create a good strong nitch.

Hi L.,
I read this yesterday and thought about it today, I usually am totally against families seperating or divorce but this sounds bad. You know what Dr.Phil says. "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". This is not going to change after ten years, does a general contractor have carpentry skills? Even $10 and hour would be better than a constant drain on your family resources. You are working hard and taking care of your family and it is not fair for him to be off in la la land fantasy of "working for myself" or what ever, and he is a man, I thought men wanted to take care of their families. I have a friend who's husband was an educated( petroleum distribution no less) guy who worked on the tarmac at the airport for very little money, he is in the Guard which is his real passion and this job was enough to just get by for him. After their first six months he finally got a real job, and he did it for her! SO after ten years and you have made it clear to him than he might need a little reality check! I know this must be so hard, you love him he is your kids father but this is just not cool. You need to be saving for your kids education, your retirement, emergency funds, paying off your house! And I hate to say this too but a man who borrows money from family members, ouch. My husband would go work at the gas station 24 hours a day before he borrowed money from family! I know this has been harsh but maybe you needed a little push? Maybe just ask him to leave, don't give him warnings or ultimatums, he has had ten years to prove his worth. I would give him some time after a speration to work and show he can do it, it is your family and that is worth trying to save. Or he could be a stay at home dad, at least you could save money on child care and meals etc. Good luck to you, that is great you are able to take care of your self and your kids.

Hi L.,

How wonderful that you've been supportive for so long. In any marriage, if one of you has a problem, you both have a problem.

I would express your concerns again to him, keeping your focus in "I" terms. Meaning you are letting him know of the instability of his profession and the financial drain it has been (maybe find a better word than drain!) has affected you. You don't want to put him on the defensive and make him feel like a failure as a provider, but you do want him to realize the impact that it has had and is having and you're wanting to express that because you know he loves you and the family, you're hoping to work together to find a compromise or solution. And looking at the economy, a stable income is a must right now.

He may be feeling insecure or afraid of change. And if he's depressed, that will only complicate things. Has he considered seeing a career counselor? They can be great at working with the skill set he already has and using those to find a job where he would be confident and comfortable, instead of him feeling like he needs to go from home building to something radically different.

But again, approaching it that you know he wants the best for the family and you'd like to support the change that needs to happen will work better than 'well, this really sucks and we're changing it now'.

Best of luck....

Hi L.,
I am a 57 year old single parent who made my entire living as an entrepeneur. In fact I now coach them. I can understand your frustration because I have lived with your opinion from my family in the down times. Having said that, however, you must understand that your husband appears to want to follow his own song. Working for someone else for some people is akin to death. A 9 to 5 job offers no challenges and is sometimes very confining for some people. I would suggest that your husband find someone who knows the business side of his trade better than him and partner up. Or find someone like me to help him analyze what he needs to do financially to become successful. I have helped lots of people either fulfill their dream of owning a business or finally recognizing that owning a business is not for them. Perhaps his pride won't allow him to quit or perhaps he does want his own business. I know this sounds corny, but talking to a coach will help him focus on his true feelings and hopefully guide him down the correct path.
L.