Need Help! My 5 Yo Steals. I'm at My Wits End.

have you tried talking to her because she's at that age where she can understand some circumstances. Talk to her, not at her cause kids can sense this. Let her know that when people take things that don't belong to them you will have to deal with the consequences. Hopes this helps

If it was my child, I would go to a counselor or child psychologist before I resorted to the police. Sometimes being scared out of something (i.e., a "fake arrest" or having the police scare her) can cause lifetime emotional scarring. On the other hand, it might just be what she needs.

However, I would want to know first whether there was a behavorial/social/environmental reason she's doing this. There really is such a thing as cleptomania (sp?), or there could be other reasons behind her behavior that aren't obvious. Perhaps there's something going on at school that she's not telling you that are causing her to act out in this way. As someone else suggested, maybe she's having a problem at home or with friends. Until you know for sure, I'd hate to "turn her over to the police," even if they don't really arrest children her age.

I'm not against discipline. But I know that sometimes there are reasons beyond just "being bad" that need to be ruled out.

I recommend a psychological evaluation-not as scary as it sounds, just a talk asking strategic questions. A child psychologist does this, and it's probably covered by your insurance. Call your insurance for a referrral. This does not mean that there is something "wrong" with your child, but that you are trying to learn how to put a stop to this behavior before it becomes habit. You are wise to address this issue now before it becomes a bigger problem, which it may or may not. Best wishes.

M.,

A little over a year ago, a mother made a very similar post about her 5 year old, so, I dragged up my response to yet again, expose myself as a reformed thief. :)

I cannot believe that I'm putting this in writing for people to see, but when I was 8, I was a little klepto. Occasionally, when in a nearly-caught situation, I lied my way out of it. I didn't turn into a career criminal or habitual liar. The lies were simply self preservation. But, after getting caught a few times, getting the "whoopin" and having to face the person from whom I'd stolen, to apologize and return the item, I stopped doing it. Just be consistent, and don't let some thefts go unpunished.

I would further add to that post that there were some reasons behind my thievery that I see now. I didn't steal things just to do it. They were always things that I wanted and for one reason or another didn't need or "deserve." Now, I'm not saying go out and get her everything she wants so that she doesn't steal one, but instead, when she's busted, discuss with her why she wanted that, what she already has that is a suitable alternative and why it is so important not to take things from others. You might explain why this is wrong (in your own words and beliefs) and how sad it makes the victim. They had that item because they wanted it, and that it is unfair that she took it away.

When we see things that we wish we had, we can make it a goal to obtain it by saving allowance, getting it as a reward or as a gift on the next special occasion. That way, it is ours and we can be proud of it and not be afraid that someone will see and recognize it as their own missing item.

With consistency and very close observation, this can be "nipped in the bud."

Best wishes,
B.

M.,

I am a therapist and work with a lot of children your daughter's age. It couldn't hurt to try a few sessions with a counselor. An experienced counselor could do what I am describing, perhaps more efficiently than you because they are a neutral party.

What you can try at home is plan a calm, non-judgmental talk with her to understand better what happens. I describe it to my clients as putting the "movie" of what happened in slow-motion. You attitude should be one of trying to understand, not judgment or punishment as this might make her shut down.

Internal thoughts, feelings etc happen so fast that people often don't understand themselves what happened, especialy children. Have her describe to you what happens - for example, does she see an item and then feel tempted or vice-versa?; when does the temptation start? What are the triggers? You might even have her keep a record/diary of this. You could then role-play (act out) with her some things she can do when she feels tempted.

This is not instead of a consequence but in addition to. You might even try asking her what she thinks an appropriate consequence would be. Children are often harder on themselves than a parent would be. Just make it clear that you will ultimately decide, not her.

Best of luck,
S.

M.,

I remember as a child trying stealing once. My Dad spanked me hard enough that I associated that behavior with pain. I know that many parents don't believe in it, but it worked for me and it is in the Bible that you correct the child you love. It recommends a "rod" or small, flexible limb off a tree like my Grandmother used. My parents also demonstrated honesty by giving back the extra change when a cashier made a mistake. Our children learn a lot by watching us do what is right. Be a good example so she will learn how wrong it is to steal.

Today's news had a Mother who slapped her child after he was refusing to mind and talked back. The school actually reported her to CPS and she was arrested with a $50,000 bond. HOW RIDICULOUS!!!I don't believe in slapping my children in the face because it is degrading, but this Mother probably acted on impluse. I am afraid of what this world will be like when these kids grow up thinking that their Parents have no right to discipline them. It will be the prisons teaching them.

When my son was 5, he stole a candy bar from a store and my husband caught him when he patted his jacket getting him into the car. He marched him back into the store, called the manager, had him tell him what happens to shoplifters. Then, he flagged down a police officer and told him. He also explained what happens to shoplifters. It worked for him. He never stole again. My second son stole a spark plub from K-mart when he was 11 because he and a friend rode their bikes to the store and didn't have any money. The manager called his Dad (my ex-husband) and explained that they don't do anything unless the item is valued at over $200 because it costs so much to prosecute. On the way home, my son commented that "Dad, what's the big deal, it was only a $1.87 spark plug." So, his Dad took him to spend the night at a shelter (he was friends with the people who ran it). My son called me at 6:00 a.m. (which was a school day) the next morning because it was 41 degrees outside and he was wearing shorts. His Dad wouldn't bring him warm clothes to wear to school. It happened on a Sunday when it was his turn to have the kids. I took him a jacket, but he had to explain the shorts to his friends. He hasn't stolen again.

Some kids steal to get attention. Since what you are doing isn't working, you might try "stealing" something from her that she really likes so she can feel what it is like. It is important to teach her that his behavior isn't good because honesty is so important if you want to do anything important with your life. She may want to be a banker, lawyer, real estate agent or work for the government someday. She would not be able to pass a security investigation. Having a reputation for being honest is so important in case you are somewhere where something goes missing and you won't be accused of taking it. If you are a known thief, you will be the first suspect. Pray for her.

Lots of kids that age steal for some reason. I know I did. But usually the bringing it back and apologizing ends it. You MIGHT have to call the cops to really scare her into stopping. It usually doesn't last very long and they outgrow it. And there's no real reason for it, other than they see something they like, KNOW it's wrong to take it, but still do. I stopped when I stole from a friend and Mom made me bring it back and apologize in front of his whole family. But in your case, it might take something a little stronger. The cops won't really arrest a 5 y/o, but she doesn't have to know that! Good luck!

Go to your local police dept. and tell them what you are dealing with, see if they would have a uniformed officer come out and talk to her, maybe even put her in the back seat of the car for a few minutes, scare her good, but not completely tramatize her. I believe that will break her. My son had a problem with starting fires, i was at my witts end, then I brought him to a fire station, and let them talk to him, and show him some awful picture of people who played with fire and got burnt. It broke him of it! Some times you have to scare them with the professionals help. Best of luck, S.

You may start with your school counselor. He/she may be able to begin discussing the problem with your daughter and get her to open up.

If that doesn't work or you don't feel comfortable finding an outside therapist may be the road to look into. Your school counselor should have information on which direction to go for that assistance.

It's possible she's doing this for the attention.

Do you and / or her father spend much one-on-one time with her in a positive way. Doing fun things - and not always necessary things?

Has there been a major upset in her life in the past several months? If so, this could be her way of acting out against it and showing her disapproval.

What about school? Any major things going on there? Is she having a hard time adjusting, does she enjoy her techer, has she made friends and then they have left?

I am not sure whether this will help you or not, but you might try doing it if you have not already. Take away the dearest thing to her. When she finds it out or asks you for it, tell her I stole it just like you did from all those people. The stolen thing should be the closest to her heart, something that she cannot live without, may be the blankee, her favorite toy, pillow, sweater, something like that.
I am sure this will soon stop, its just a temporary thing....
Hope this helps. Take care.

Well have you tried going to the police dept??? My son once picked up something from this store, when i found out about it we were on our way home but had to pass the police station.. so i told him that is where he was going i pulled up at the police station went inside and spoke with the officer at the window, advising him of the situation and he had a talk with my son, he was 5 at the time. To this day i have not had anymore problems with taking things that dont belong.

M.,

Mu son did this at that age and it lasted until around 2nd grade. I made the school counseler aware of it and they talked with him and tried to get him to empathize with his "victims". They used his favorite toy as an example and asked how he's like it if it was stolen. They then read books to him on stealing, and I started to make things disapear from his room until he became frustrated and cried! When I showed him that I had them, he finally connected the dots. He didn't like it. He expecially didn't like it that he knew the person that took the stuff and he trusted me! I told him that the teacher's trust him too and so do the kids. We then made him return everything an give an appology which was humiliating to him.It was tough love but that boy stopped right there! He still has a tendencey to talk about wanting things and trying to barter for them, (Like games at Game Stop) but he understands not to steal.
Unfortunately and fortunately, we had two thefts while he was growing up. We knew and trusted both people and we caught them both red handed! Michael was shocked and hurt. He is now 21 and hasn't done it (To my knowledge) since he was 7.
Best of luck. God bless and have a very Merry Christmas.
D.

She is not really feeling the consequences of her actions. You need to take her to the police station and have them "pretend to lock her up" to show her what happens to criminals. Works everytime (so I;ve heard) You can call ahead and speak to an officer, they are very helpful about these types of things and have "a few tricks of there own" Every mom with a stealer that has taken to the Police Dept. comes home with a non-stealer, hope it works for you.
DOn;t cry, kids are a handful.
Good Luck and God Bless!