Need Help Parenting Strong Willed Four Year Old Boy

Does your son, have good communication skills about expressing his feelings and knows that he can tell you? Teach him how to speak... in a palatable way. These things have to be taught. It is not instinct in a child.

Maybe he is just a pent-up little boy?

Next: my son who is 5... was really being obstinate one day. Instead of getting upset, I asked him why, he was being that way. He told me... it was because I did not say "please...." as I told him to do something. He further explained, that it is real important to him, that "please" is said... when being told to do something. Of which, saying "please" is often forgotten in a string of requests, that we make of our child everyday. He did not feel "respected."
And that... was in a nutshell, what would then, make him just not want to cooperate.
So by asking my son "why" he is being like that.... I "learned" FROM him... what was bothering him. Because I bothered to ask. And I allow him... to express himself to me... not scolding him for certain feelings or clarifications.

Anyway, that is one light-bulb moment I recently had with my son.
Who, is very independent minded.
Now that I remember to say "please" when telling him to do something... he is not being a fighting Bull.... in response.
It was about respect... for him.

My daughter was the exact same way and nothing worked! We did Love and Logic, but it did not work. I read every book possible - those did not work. Took all toys away - she did not care! I was in your spot and was so tired of getting calls from school on a daily basis. Finally in first grade she was diagnosed with ADD. My husband and I debated for a long time about medication for her and we finally decided to do it. She is on the lowest does possible of Vyvanse and it has done wonders for her. She is much more focused on what needs to be done, not as challenging, and she is still her loveable self. The medication does not make her a zombie which I was afraid of. If you can do the class I would try that first because they may be able to give you some new insights. Maybe they have a tool that will help your little one before medication is needed.
Best of Luck to you!

Be sure you are following Love and Logic consistently and over a period of time. Be patient.

If you have done this and it hasn't worked consider having your child evaluated. Is there a children's hospital in your town? If so, call them and ask for advice and referrals. Often you can get on a waiting list for reduced cost or free help.

I would recommend Dobson's Strong Willed Child. Its a great resource!

Just my own two cents; I LOVE Love and Logic! It just makes sense. We made a choice not to use physical pain to "teach" our children; I am a big believer in we live up to what we are known as, so I always encourage parents to use loving words to describe their children. While "strong willed" may be the perfect description, it is not very affirming except negatively. I prefer the words "spirited child" - there is a book by the same name by Eda LaShan "Raising Your Spirited Child", perhaps it would be helpful. It sounds like you are working very hard to be the parents your son needs you to be which is very admirable as so many choose not to. The road less taken is never easy.

We got obedience from our "strong willed' children by using corporal punishment and then love and hugs.

People do things or stop doing things because of pleasure and or pain. If you do the same it will work for you. BUT you can't just use pleasure and let the absence of pleasure suffice for pain.

Good luck to you and yours.

I'm surprised no one had mentioned that your child may be gifted. Unfortunately, there is a fine line between the characteristics of ADHD and giftedness. Consider googling the signs of giftedness. It's nothing to be ashamed of either.

What is your child's routine?

What is your child's diet?

Has your child been diagnoised with any mental or physical disabilities?

How old are you and your husband?

Need more information to give better suggestions and advice

Well, I am a working mom too, so I absolutely understand how expensive childcare is and that not everyone (including myself) can be a SAHM...
that said, if my DD got shuffled between preschool and 3 different care providers a week (even if two of them are the grandmas) she would probably be very difficult to deal with as well.
Some kids do great adjusting to all kinds of situations on the fly, my DD has never been one of those. She thrives on consistency and predictability.
Your son must adjust to at least 5 different sets of rules and "how we do things" every week (3 caregivers, preschool and home). Imagine your work would have you work in a different department under a different manager and with different co-workers every single day of the week? Confusing? Difficult? Frustrating? YES!

Maybe it is his ADHD that is causing difficulties (no flame mail please but I am very doubtful of 99% of these diagnoses) but whatever the underlying cause, the unstable care situation surely isn't helpful. If I were you that is where I would start and try to consolidate his daycare schedule.

I looked back at your posts. You mentioned that you thought your son had ADHD.

I am a Certified Parent Educator. Many times the most challenging children do need to get evaluated by a neuropsychologist, etc...

Yes, more info. is needed. Does he sleep well? I have worked with a few unruly kids who were sleep deprived. If a preschooler goes to bed at
10:30 ish and gets up at 6am (and I have worked w/ families in which this was very common), it equals a hard to manage kid. Many kids w/ sleep deprivation do indeed get diagnosed w/ ADHD. Is he sleeping enough? Does your son watch violent movies/tv/computer time? Or too much tv in general? Do you carry through when no means no? Does he need to get outside and play more? Your son can probably feel your tension, too.

Maybe he will get easier. My daughter had terrible tantrums at age 2. My friend's son did not. He was so easy until he was 3 1/2 .Then, at 4 her son was really hard to manage. He calmed down at 5. He has been an A student and mellow ever since.

A parenting class is nice. It was the weekly home visits that helped me to see what was really happening in the household. I knew the child's bedtime, what foods were being served, the child's activity level, if the child was begging for attention through behavior, if the child needed more running/outside time and less media time, if the child needed more social time w/ friends/or had too much scheduled, etc...Sometimes it's better to work one-on-one with an experienced professional. While, I could not diagnose a child, I could make a referral based on the information I had gathered.

I hope this helps !