Needing Help to Reach a Step Child That I Am Not the Bad Person

SHOW her what a good person you are. We all lead by example whether we know it or not. Treat her like you want to be treated-with dignity and respect. Don't be a door mat-if she doesn't treat you with dignity and respect let her know that that is not acceptable and you won't tolerate it. The important thing is don't give up. If you really want a relationship with her, keep working at it. Try not to take it personally that she sides with her mother. I once was just like your step-daughter. My step-mother asked me one day, "Why do't you like me? Have I done something to hurt your feelings or upset you?" I didn't know how to respond at first but finally did answer the question. It opened a dialog between us-my father, too, that continues today. Once my step-mother knew what the issues were, she was able to address them. She was honest and open in what she told me. She never spoke negatively about my mom. She told me when she thought my mother was mistaken or when she didn't agree with her, but she always took the high-road. My mom called my step-mother (and my father) all kinds of horrible stuff, but my step-mom never did that. Now, some 20 years later, I enjoy great relationships with both my step-mom and my mom.

First and foremost, keep in mind that children are very atuned to other people's emotions... if you don't want to be around her, she knows; no matter how much you try to cover it up. It sounds like you need to take some time by yourself a reconsider why she feels this way toward you. It's not likely that its just because real mom hates you... its because of much bigger things than that. Spend some time alone and forgive her and her mother for the way that they are to you. They have lost (even if its just Mon-Fri) a man who you feel is wonderful and I'm sure they did once too (if they don't still); and even if real mom wanted him gone, she still has resentment for the fact that he's found happiness with someone else. Try not to take either of their attitudes personally. Its clear that if after 10 yrs real mom still hates you, then your stepdaughter is having to deal with a level of immaturity every day that you can't mend for her. I really think that if you can forgive them and let go of the neagtivity that their attitudes gives you then you will be able to be the stepmom you want her to see you as. remember, you CANT convinve her you're not the bad guy; you can only show her. Continue or try to be all the stepmom you can be and eventually she will see that her mother's opinion is false. Every time she has a hateful attitude, remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you AT ALL and continue to be loving, compassionate, and kind to her. AND NEVER EVER EVER, talk bad about her mother when she's even in the house... even if she doesn't hear you, she will feel you; and try not to talk bad about her at all... it will help you to forgive. I know personally what you're going through and staying positive is a continuous battle for me too. My "step" children are younger though, so they are probably less viscious... teenagers can be very mean. Remind yourself that you are wonderful... and instead of asking your husband to help you with his daughter, just remind him that dealing with it is emationally draining and ask him to please be extra patient with you and give you some confidence boosters when she is around. DOUBLE BENEFIT... if he makes little comments like 'your such a good listener; or you're so helpful; or you are a wonderful woman' when his daughter is around maybe she will look for those qualities in you too. I wish you the best; I know it's hard. God bless.

I would try a letter to her. I find it easier to put things into a letter so you can not be interrupted. My husband has been going through this with my two older girls for years and they are just now figuring it out. Sometimes "time" is your answer. Wish I had more information for you, but don't let her walk on you either. Always stand your ground and reassure her you care about her and if she feels the need to talk or vent to just let you and dad know and you will listen. Good luck.
J.

M. - One thing I watched growing up was a terrible relationship between my mom and my step brother. They never connected, never saw eye to eye on anything, and rarely enjoyed weekends together. She resented the way he behaved to her...(much of what you are speaking of plus some) and he resented her for "taking time away from his dad and him" and also because his mother didn't like my mom, the fact that his dad was remarried, etc. etc. A lot of times, a child feels the allegiance to the mom/dad and feels guilty if they don't transfer their parents dislike to the step parent.
My best advice to you is this: don't make any barriers...with you and your husband nor with you and your step daughter and do your best to be positive and speak only about her mother in a positive light hard as that may be for you to do. Kids can ALWAYS sense tension no matter how much adults try to cover it up. Also, remember you are the ADULT and you can never expect a child to act as maturely and responsible as you may. So you always have to be the one who acts "bigger" about the situation. Don't make it personal. I doubt your step daughter hates you or thinks you are a bad person. She just has feelings that apparently are hard for her to process. I suggest learning "current events" with her and her friends, school, boys, etc. and opening up some light conversation there. Don't seem fake or forceful about it...be genuinely interested in what is going on in her life. Maybe after you all start getting those lines of communication open then you can even have some you and her time and she will maybe open up to you and soften up a bit. I also suggest reading some books on these types of situations and talk with other blended families and see what has helped them connect.
Remember to treat her with love and kindness. Try to be the model for the behavior you want from her. You can't force her to love you or like you but if you are always there for her and kind to her, then she will respect you and as she matures she will probably come around. :)
I hope this has helped you some. God Bless your family.

Hello fellow stepmother - I am the stepmother of 2 teenage stepdaughters, 14 & 13. I fully agree when you say that the mom's views rub off. I have found that when my husband sat down with my stepdaughters and told them that they did not have to love me or even like me, but they will speak to and have respect for me in our home, that made a big difference. Now, we even have gone shopping together and make dinner together. It's not a struggle when the young lady figures out that you are NOT a bad person after all. E.

I am in the same shoes. Except that it is a young son rather than a daughter. By young I mean that he is 19. He barely speaks to me, nor looks at me. Especially if his father is not at home. The thing I have done, is just continue to be friendly, ask questions and keep interested in what he is doing, or where he is going. I did have a one on one talk with him once, and he assured me that he didn't feel badly towards me. But still the tension exists in the house, and unfortunately between us at all times. Perhpas there is something more I could do?

M., it would be helpful if you and your step daughter could get some family counseling - call Catholic Charities or Johnson County Mental Health to find some options for this. If your step daughter won't go then go yourself. I know you find it very difficult when someone does not like you. It is not you personally that your daughter and your husbands ex does not like. It is the situation. Counseling will help you thru this.

M., I yruly feel for you because I had that same siyuation for a while. I continued to be myself, I offered the children the opportunity to come & do things with me, as well as with their father & brother we had together. I eventually could see the silver lining. You might try to do girl things with her like manicures, pedicures, going to the beauty salon, shopping dinner & a movie & also you might have to invite a friend of hers that will see that your teying & eventually she'll say something to her like....you might need to let up, she's not so bad, your step-mom seems really nice, you need to give her a chance & so on & so forth. TRUST me it was most difficult but I NEVER let those kids see me sweat! IF you leave, stay gone & avoid her...the child is winning & it really shows some immaturity on your part (in someone eles eyes) not to me because I been there but he & I use to get into it constantly because the ex-wife was trying to run my household through the children...at least you have one to deal with. Hold your head up high, pray about it & ask GOD to help guide you through this & that he puts this burden (about how you feel) upon your husband so that his eyes may be open & that his heart & mind is more sensitive to you & your feelings. I wish you the best of luck, stay prayerful & God Bless! P.S. Keep me posted on this situation & I'll ad you to my prayer list because I know just how frustrating this situation can be.

Hi M., I am a step mother of 2 boys and have been with there dad for 22 years, she is old enough to read, write her a note and leave it for her to read, go shopping add in that note your feelings and if she wants to talk about the letter,and let her feelings out, sit down with her and listen, dont judge just listen, Good luck. B.

Hi M.,

I don't have any personal experience with this but I have a few ideas and a few thoughts, so here it goes.

For your step daughter being that she is the age of 13. she may not know the reasons her parents got divorced and not that she should but I think she may feel that you may have caused it or whatever even though you didn't. But I also think that she probably might feel this way because she feels like if she likes you she may betray her mom and that is something she doesn't want to do. But here is something you might try: Set it up for a weekend that your husband will be gone maybe for the day and she has to spend the day with you or even the evening. Make it a girls night, go out to dinner and watch a movie, hey by the way a movie that goes with exactly what you are going through right now is called "stepmom", Julia Roberts, Ed Harrison and Sigourney Weaver is in it. I think it reflects exactly what you are going through and it might even open up some lines of communication with you.

On a side note you might even have a conversation with mom. Let her know that you are not trying to take over her spot as mom but that it would be nice to have a place in her life and her be able to love both of you. Maybe even if you do watch the movie Stepmom she might go home and tell her mom about it.
Anyway sorry I don't have any more advice then this. But I hope it helps, W.

i never cease to be amazed at how much wisdom there is right here.i love this place. i'm in similar situation,but with much younger boy. his mom talks trash on me and i just tell him i think his mom is a good mom. glad to know i'm not the only one. thank you ,ladies. this has helped me,too.