My son is 3, almost 3&1/2 &he has had anger problems for awhile now. When he was younger he'd bang his head off walls&headbutt people. I asked for advice before, but everyone would twll me it's normal.the past year he would bite, hit, pinch, kick&whatever else you could think of. But recently he's been throwing things at me. Last week he hit me or punched me, not quite sure because it happened so fast, in the eye with a metal truck keychain. I was bleeding&had a black eye for a week. Just now he threw his remote at the same side, but busted open my eyebrow. Once again im bleeding&it's swollen. I don't find this to be normal behavior. I have tried everything I could possibly do to get him to calm down&to handle his behavior. I'm beyond exhausted at this point. His doctor said time outs for 5 minutes, but those never worked. His new doctor told me time out for 3 minutes or to have him count backwards. Still, doesn't work. He just gets so angry that nothing calms him down. Eventually he stops, but even a minute later he's back at it. &when he did throw the things at my face he wasn't upset or angry, it was out of nowhere. That's what happens a lot of times, he'll be perfectly fine&next thing I know he's extremely upset or angry&is trying to hurt me. He doesn't feel sorry either. He laughs about it. I understand this is the time for tantrums, but isn't this a little too much? On top of that, he doesn't sleep much nor has he ever slept well. Is it too early to get him tested for medicine? I feel like i have no more options& like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't find a solution quick!
I have been consistent when he gets in trouble. I take toys away and he can't watch tv. I put him in time out for 3 minutes and I do not talk to him while he's in there. But I don't have a gate so he can't stay in there so I usually have to stand guard by the door. It just doesn't work. I do tell him no sternly. I count to 3 to give him a chance to change his behavior unless he's harming me then I automatically put him in time out.there have been a lot ofntimes where I had to sit down&hold him because he has found things to throw at the wall to either break whatever it is or put a hole in the wall. once he kicked the wall&put a hole in it. He didn't even cry. He tried to do it again. I have explained to the doctors&even asked if I should see a doctor who specializes in medicine for bi polar and adhd, but it's almost like they look at me crazy&think I'm a bad person for asking. I do know a doctor because I myself suffered from bi polar&add when I was younger. I don't know if its just from only get about 5-8 hours ofnsleep, which is not all the way through, or if its something else. He isn't in preschool yet, but he went for a prescreening&didn't finish due to the fact that he freaked out when they tried putting headphones on him for the hearing test. So he didn't want to even try at the last station. He likes things a certain way sometimes toocdepending on what it is. I was thinking there's a possibe sensory issue, butbi don't know much about that. He hates tags&sometimes loud noises. He cries a lot when i vacuum sometimes. When you try to show him a different way of doing things like for instance we were playing a matching game&I stacked my cards up&he flipped out because I didn't put them next to each other like he did. He does seem to be hyper a lot ofntimes. Bedtime is a nightmare. He goes to sleep anywhere from 10 to sometimes 1 in the morning. The lights go off at 8&around 7 is time to wind down, but he doesn't. I do have his closet light on for some light, but no matter what he is still up until he finally knocks out. Sorry if I'm not answering all thw questions. I'm on my phone so its kind of hard. He also has a problem with trying to be controlling. If I'm trying to call someone&he doesn't want me to he throws a fit&tries to kick or hit my phone out of my hand. If I give my boyfriend my phone or he gives his phone to me he flips out that one of us has thenothers phone. I'm a stay at home mom. So I'm around 24/7 it's putting a lot of strain on me physically&mentally. I don't mean to sound like I don't want to be around him, but it's at the point where I just need to get away for awhile for my own sanity. When my boyfriend comes home from work he does help out, he is the father, but he goes to bed early since he wakes up at 2-3 in the morning for work. Oh&I did go into the doctor's office with a bruise still under my eye. You can clearly see the bump, but she said it's normal. 2-3 is where the tantrums are bad, but age 4 is when there needs to be concern. &he's picked up words like asshole, idiot, stupid, &ugly so he says them to me. I noticed he barely says it to his dad or anyone else, but his grandma said when he slept over there that he was absolutely horrible she was thinking about driving him home. She keeps telling me to be consistent, which I have told her many times I am. I feel like a broken record because it's like no one is really listening to what I am saying. So thank you all so so so much for your input. I will take everything into consideration. I'm also going to check that book out because any new advice or problem solving for this behavior is well needed.
The doctor can't diagnose this. He needs to go to a child psychologist or psychiatrist. The earlier you can get insight into this the better. Violent behavior needs to be caught before it escalates. Good luck.
You are dealing with extremes. Regular parenting strategies won't work. You need to get him in with a child psychiatrist and ASAP. Three is not too young. I speak from experience, as the parent of a child with ADHD. I used to be beat up by my child, too, although not to the extent you're facing. Help, by the way, doesn't have to equate to medication, but needs to include parenting advice targeted to his extreme behavior.
Look up a condition called ODD. This is what first came to mind reading your post. Laughing at your pain is a tip off. ADHD also isn't out of the question. You can't get a diagnosis at this age, but you can get really specific advice to help you.
Get the medical professionals on your side now because you need input well beyond what people here can provide. Again, you are dealing with extremes. This is not normal behavior that will be remedied with neurotypical parenting strategies. INSIST on getting in with a specialist NOW. You can get help at this age, but you have to put your foot down and demand it. No more suffering.
Best of luck to you!
What have you done so far -as in "everything." Without knowing exactly what his consequences have been for these actions, there is no way to know what you should try differently. I have some effective discipline books to recommend, but again, if you've already done everything, they may be futile. Time outs are pointless for tons of kids. What else have you done consistently as discipline? I'm pretty sure you've yelled and told him not to do those things. But that doesn't count as discipline, and has no effect on most three-year-olds, so what else is included in "everything" ?
After reading your SWH: Mom, you really need a new set of doctors.
I'm not sure how you could no longer be bipolar - I was unaware that this goes away. You do need to tell the doctors all of what you have said here. If they ignore it or act like you are a bad mom for suggesting this to them, they are NOT the right doctors for you to have. If there is a children's hospital in your area, you should start there. A developmental pediatrician has seen a lot of this stuff and can help you find the services you need.
Original:
Dear heavens, I'm sorry that your son's problem was discounted.
I wonder if you had gone to the ped with a black and swollen eye the first time, if they would have paid attention. You need to take the bull by the horns here and go into the doctor's office and let them see what you look like. Tell them you want a child psychologist appointment and you want them to make the appointment for you. Make sure the doctor sees your face, too
In addition to a child psychologist, a play therapist would be helpful. She will come to your house and observe your son and give recommendations. You should also consider videotaping your son so that you can show the medical professionals what he is doing.
I'm so sorry. Please go get help. You both need it.
The problem here isn't that he has a need for a diagnosis.
Please go get the book the secrets of the baby whisperer, the one concerning solving all your problems. She has a great section on kids that behave like your son.
The problem isn't that he needs medicine. It's a combo of temperament and parent discipline style. Your quick fix is in that book.
If he is having SEVERE sleep issues, not just doesn't sleep through the night, but really doesn't sleep, I would see if you can get that looked into. Real sleep deprivation is not healthy and can cause problems, or can be a symptom of something.
Look into early intervention with your school - perhaps they will see something. If not, they may have ideas.
Sounds like you need new doctors to me, too. And firmer discipline. Like a good spanking.
Very sternly say "NO! NO! We don't hit!"
Look really angry and upset.
Pick him up so he's facing away from you and carry him into his room. Ensure the room has a gate and is completely stripped of anything fun that he can play with. Say nothing. Leave him there and go into another room where he can't see you. Don't go get him until he's quiet.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Consistency is key.
For all out kicking, screaming tantrums....a small cup of cold water dashed into the screaming face works like a charm (worked for 4 generations in my family). Just ensure he never sees the cup, has no warning, and doesn't see it after. It should be an absolute shock. I know some moms don't agree with this method....it worked for us.
ETA:
Buy a gate.
No counting. He knows what he's doing.
A child of 3 years cannot be diagnosed with bipolar. He's just too young. Sounds like high functioning autism to me, but I'm not a behavioral health professional. I would look into having him fully evaluated by a facility that deals with especially with children.
Best of luck!
This sounds a lot like my son when he was that age. Time outs did NOT work for him, time ins worked better. We saw a play therapist, child psychologists, and slew of doctors. We ended up with a behavioral neurologist and he and all the previous doctors confirmed he has sensory processing disorder (the head butting was getting the input he needs). We also had a ton of tests done and found out that he was producing too much adreline (6 times the amount of a normal person) and does not produce enough serotonine. So we started medication to address this and ocupational therapy for the sensory and feeding issues and have seen tremenodous improvement. My son did not sleep for the first 5 years of his life until he started medication. Now he can finally go to bed on his own and stay asleep the entire night. Pre-meds he used to wake up every 2 hours and we had to do an elaborate routine to try to get him back to sleep.
My son's neurologist is in Northbrook - pm me if you have any questions or need additional information.
Find a different doctor and ask for a referral to a neurologist and/or child psychologist. This is not normal behavior and the anger needs to be addressed. The fact that he does not sleep much is a symptom of itself. This is not a "stage". The longer you delay, the longer it will take to get him under control.
This may sound wierd but my son had a horrible temper until we found out he had a food allergy! I know a lot of people hate it when you blame allergies for behavior, but my son acted completely different once we removed the food from his diet! It might be worth checking into? Also I'd agree with the sensory issue but that might get better if he is allergic to something. HTH!
After reading your inquiry and the update, I think there is definitely something more than typical behavioral issues going on. I am a pediatric Occupational Therapist, and the first thing that came to my mind was Sensory Processing difficulties. He has difficulty taking in, processing and reacting to normal everyday sensory stimulation. Many children on the Autism Spectrum have sensory issues, but it can stand alone too. Unfortunately, it often becomes behavioral when a child is not taught how to cope with and adapt to the stimulation. (ie. to him tags may feel like sand paper, the vacuum might sound like a freight train, etc.). He may have more difficulty controlling his impulses. Having difficulty settling his body to sleep can also be related. If I were you I would have him evaluated by an Occupational Therapist who specializes in Sensory Processing Disorder. She will be able to find various input that can help organize his nervous system and teach coping strategies that will help him self regulate. Good luck, it sounds like you are trying typical discipline strategies and if you are being consistent, it may be a bigger issue. If it turns out not to be a sensory issue, it could be ADHD or bipolar, especially since you say you have dealt with it. Good Luck!
I certainly wish you well and think you definitely need to go beyond the pediatrician if you can and get a recommendation for a psychiatric evaluation or something. hopefully your son's dad is supportive. eventually this boy will have to go to school and that will be two years or so down the road and things could be a lot worse.
I feel for you as we had some very similar problems with my now five year old. I too felt like I tried everything and it has been a long, hard road but it is slowly getting better.
First - you need to talk to your DR about your sons sleep. My son had sleep issues and finally after almost a year our Ped referred us to a sleep dr at Childrens. We had a sleep study done and found out that our son basically has a condition that causes him to jerk his body (think restless leg) while he sleeps preventing him from getting deep sleep. Once we got the sleep issues under control - that probably got rid of half of our problems. Think about how crabby you get as an adult when you are overly tired all the time. A good night sleep is worth its weight in gold. I am not saying that this is your sons particular problem but instead of talking with your Ped about his behavior - talk to her about his sleep first. I feel like sleep is the start of any behavioral issue.
Secondly - I do not feel like time out works for highly emotional children (same with taking away toys, tv, etc). In our case - that stuff just made our son more mad that he would miss the message in the punishment. When my son was about 3 and a half we did the program at Tuesdays Child (http://tuesdayschildchicago.org/). This is a non-profit that helps with kids with behavior issues starting at age 3. We found this to be extremely helpful in understanding what our son was thinking and why he was behaving as he was. I realize this program would be very far away for you but it was very worth it for us. There methods are based on positive parenting - (like this website http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/). The methods can be hard at times and time consuming but we definitely saw results in his behavior. Most of this method is based on tantrum prevention. This further cut down his tantrums.
Thirdly - we also saw a child psychologist. I think she was probably the wrong psychologist for us (I wish I would have found one that followed the positive parenting method more) but she was helpful. If anything she helped me not feel so bad. :) It was nice to have a sounding board and just to have some encouragement.
My son is now almost 6. He still has good days and bad days but definitely more good days than bad. He will always be a highly emotional child and we are constantly learning new was to cope with his emotions and his temperament as his personality changes with maturity. Now that he is getting older - we are trying to teach him how to work through his emotions on his own (we know use the methods in the book The Explosive Child http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frust... but this is definitely for older children).
Hang in there. I know it can seem so frustrating and isolating at time. People kept telling me too "this is normal", "he will grow out of it" but that isn't the case. You are making steps in the right direction just by asking for help! :) Good luck!!
I feel your pain and you are not alone. My 4 year old has anger issues and we tried many discipline actions with no success. 2 big changes have helped reduce and manage things: 1) we have a therapist we as a family sees 2) we changed daycares (don't know if this applies to you). What made the difference is more structure, not labeled as a bad boy, and actually teaching him. Does he still yell and throw, yes but not like before and we are working on ignoring or responding with no emotion not to feed the anger. In addition the therapist showed us a safe way to retrain him so not to hurt himself or us. I hope this helps and gives you hope. His therapist is in winfield so if that is in your area I can provide you her contact information.
