Potty Training and Mother in Law That Knows Best :)

If you push him it could become a power struggle. I would keep reminding him that "big" boys go on the potty. My grandson resisted potty training, then at 3 1/2 just decided he was a big boy and wanted to go on the potty. He has accidents, but goes on the potty most of the time. I think it's best if it's their idea. I don't think waiting makes it harder as someone else suggested, some kids are just ready sooner than others, just like walking, talking, etc. Good luck, it WILL happen.

Hi T.,

I start potty training "my kids" when they turn two...I know it probably is easier here since there are several little ones going potty, so therefore they all want to try. You said that you work full-time, so your son must be in daycare....what is your provider's opinion on the situation? In all of my years of running a daycare I've only had one child over the age of 3 not potty trained, so I guess I do kind of believe that your little one could be trained by now. I have several three year olds that go to pre-school, they prefer that they are potty trained, so that's another good reason to get it done. I don't always believe that you can expect your children to always make the right choices in life...that is why they have parents to lead them in the right direction. Like I said earlier, maybe you should talk with your daycare provider and see what her opinion is, and go from there. It just seems to me that in the last few years there are a lot of power struggles with parents and their children when it use to be a "yes" or "no" answer, and I believe that a lot of that comes from thinking that children should have a choice/opinion, and I believe that they should have a choice/opinion when they are old enough to know what is best for them, but I haven't known one 2, 3, or 4 year old that knew better than their parents what was best for them yet. If they aren't given a choice, they learn to go along with the parent without an argument. I've learned to not ask, "Do you want to go potty?", but instead say, "Let's go potty." or "Time to go potty." If you don't give them a choice it makes it easier...if they are use to doing what you say they will just go without giving it much thought.

From reading your other responses, I know this is not going to be a popular post, but this is my opinion, and believe it or not in 30 years of daycare 99% of my parents appreciate it, as well as all "my kids". I love them like they are my own, and always will.

Good Luck,

C.

Hi T.! Your mom and Becky W are dead wrong. :) I had to back off the potty training with my son because I had an entire pregnancy of severe morning sickness. After my daughter was born we started again and he was potty trained in 3 days with NO accidents. Absolutely none!
I agree with the others who say to back off. You will NOT have a four year old in diapers, that's ridiculous. Some people have a very narrow view of when kids should be potty trained. We all parent differently and that's okay. No one should be ragging on you for when your kid is potty trained.
I say let it go for a few weeks and try again. Your MIL had her chance to parent and now it's your turn, and you will do as you see fit. Keep up the good work!

My attitude toward potty training is not very popular, but here it is. I don't care if they're not potty trained until they're 18. At 18, legally my job is done. If they can find a girlfriend, she can help them. In the meantime, they can carry around a jaunty little diaper bag.

Both of my sons were late to potty train. They were both poop trained about 9 months before they were pee trained. One day both of my boys just decided they wanted to wear big boy undies and use the potty. There was no magic wand or toy.

Bottom line, you can't control what goes in them or what comes out of them!

As far as your MIL, explain you appreciate her concern, but this is your child. Frankly, her attitude is most likely "rubbing off" on your son and making it harder for him.

As to preschool, they cannot legally bar him from attending b/c he's not potty trained. The law states they must make "reasonable accomodations." Reasonable accomodations are that if he completelly soaks himself and/or poops, someone (a person you designate such as yourself and/or husband) must be available to come to school and change him.

Good luck to both of you!

I am the very happy 45 yr old mother of 4 boys ages 13,11,8,and 5. That doesn't make me an expert, but all of my boys have been different with training. The first thing is that with any child and training forcing my lead to holding, which can be very dangerous and obviously painful. In a child's mind associating potty with pain puts you both in a long term journey. Many of my friends who forced ended up with kids who had UTI's and impacted bowels. I'm sure there is something on webMd or parenting websites that discuss this; I'd have your husband let your MIL know that he is at risk and that you as a couple plan to take this slower because he is so scared. If she argues with you (away from your husband) let her know you value her input but the two of you have made your decision. Parents will listen to their own children with different ears then their in-laws. If they disagree with him, they will forgive him easier than you.

He is obviously still interested (yay!)so leave him in diapers to "recover" for few weeks, let him know you love him no matter what, and when he is ready to train you can have fun learning. He will come around. I never found that rewards worked for my boys, but many try it and it works for them. Casually ask, do the aim for cheerios game, let daddy talk to him, ask be happy when he tells you that he feels it coming-it's one giant step to readiness. I loved it when they got that look and I'd say "You wanna try? I'll race ya!" We'd giggle all the way there and if he didn't make it or want to, I'd always say "later gator".
These days are short, have fun. This is the small stuff.

Hi T.,

I don't think you should physically force your son to sit on the potty, but waiting until he's "ready" might not be the best option, either. We could go round-and-round about potty training philosophies and personal experiences, but I'm of the camp that the longer you wait, the harder it will be. This is especially true if you are using disposable diapers. Disposables are convenient and easy until the time comes to get the children out of them. Let's face it--wearing disposables for 3 years and being able to go potty whenever, wherever, and be comfortable while doing so makes for some pretty easy living.

I can tell you what I would do, but I will preface my suggestion with the fact that I don't live your life. You mention you work full-time, so I am assuming your son is in daycare? If so, his provider would need to be on board with whatever you decide.

Here is what I would do... I would invest in some "training underwear". They are thick, padded underwear. Hanna Andersson and Gerber makes them, among others. Some moms even put 2 pairs on for extra absorbency, with the outer pair being a larger size. Training underwear allows for him to feel the wetness, but doesn't result in a big puddle on the floor. I would forego Pull-Ups. They are nothing but expensive diapers and are a good way to drag out potty training into infinity. Even the "cool" feel ones are a gimmick.

Your son would then have a choice. He could either go in the potty, or he could go in his training underwear and be wet and uncomfortable and have to change clothes 10 times/day. Yes, you may have mountains of laundry at first, and the first few weeks might be hell, but you will speed up the process. Eventually your son will realize it's just less work and hassle to go in the potty.

I don't agree that you should force your son to potty train; however, you ARE the parent and need to find a way to potty train him. Kids cannot start preschool until they are potty trained. By three years old he is ready physically.

I did the following with my daughter when she was 21 months and in 3 days she was trained. I took her shopping to pick out her underwear. We made a HUGE day out of it. Went out after breakfast, she got to pick out and buy her own underwear (with money I gave her) then ate out for lunch. Then we went shopping and picked out some cool stickers and poster board.

When we got home we made the poster board into a potty chart. Found a picture of potty clip art online and printed it out and glued it on the chart. Wrote "Claire's Potty Chart" in colorful colors on it...make sure to let him help you. Then we sat down before bed and talked about when she woke up in the morning how she was going to wear big girl underwear all day....

The first day, I set a timer and every 20 minutes when the timer went off she and I raced to the bathroom and then she would try and go potty. The next day we lengthened the time to 30 mins...by the third day 40 mins. She got 1 sticker of her choice to put on the chart when she peed and 2 stickers on the chart if she pooped.

I know that not every method will work for every child but I think once kids are three it's time. Try to make it fun. Maybe he would rather a potty chair then using the toilet??? Or a toilet seat his size that fits onto your toilet. Talk to him and find out why he doesn't want to use the potty.

Reward him with praise, hugs and kisses...don't punish if he has an accident, just encourage him to do better. When he sees all the attention he gets from trying so hard it will make it more fun for him! You can also tell him once he gets ten (or number of your choice) stickers that he can go for ice cream ( or something small and cheap).

If he throws a fit stay strong. Explain that he can have a temper tantrum if he wants to but the rules aren't going to change. Good luck!!!

It sounds as though you have a mother-in-law like mine was. She was half the reason I divorced my ex-husband. She knew everything and had a strong opinion on everything and no one defied her. I wish I would have had the courage to speak up at the time but I didn't. Is she nice or manipulative and controlling?
Tell her you are the parent and will decide what is best for your son. "Thank you for the advice, Mom but I am his parent." You could have your husband talk to her and show a united front to her. If he doesn't have your back on this, good luck. He needs to stand up to Mom and tell her to back off.

You CAN potty train him now, if you force the issue and follow a method. He is just trying to control something in his life. He has done it, he knows how to do it, he refuses.
However, it is YOUR choice if you want to let him choose this or to take control. Eventually you are going to have to get tough and force it, I let this go on with one child and finally I just knew he was being lazy and I started disciplining him like he was disobeying and it only took once and he was potty trained, he was almost 4.

You just need to set your mother in law down and let her know that you know she has been there and that, yes, you could force the issue with your son and get his trained, but that is not how you choose to parent and you would like her to not mention the potty training any more.

Or, take the easy way, let her have him for the weekend to potty train him. He will be trained and you didn't have to mess with it, or she will shut up because he is to stubborn.

Good luck!

Hi, I sympathize with your situation. My son started showing interest in the potty around 18 months and would go on and off. He would occasionally start to go more often but then go into a phase where he would refuse to sit. He went back and forth like this for quite a while. Around age 3 1/2 he started showing more interest in it again and seemed to have more control and feeling about when he had to go. It's not worth the fight to force him to sit and go.... just let him take the lead. Keep reinforcing him when he goes and maybe talk about going on the potty, show videos about going on the potty, get a book about going, etc. but don't force him to go if he's not ready. Good luck!

I had a 3+ year old that showed no interest in potty training. We would encourage him for a couple of days. We tried cool underwear, bribery and rushing to the potty every 15 minutes. I gave up. He just wasn't ready. We waited a couple of months and one Saturday I woke up and said this was the big day. We were going to be very diligent about this getting done. He went along with it as long as it was fun for him. A couple of hours later, my dear mother-in-law called and wanted to have the kids overnight. I said sure, what time and by the way, we are potty training. I'll send underware. She said okay. I figured that she had raised 5 kids and I was a first time Mom, she had way more experience than I did. My son came back home 2 nights later, potty trained, with no Pull-ups at night!!! We had less than 5 accidents after that and he is now 11 yrs old! Sometimes, it just works out that MIL is right.

My son is 3 and isn't potty trained. He will sit and go potty most times when I ask him but he will not ask to go. He doesn't keep his diaper dry and i just don't feel I want to struggle with forcing him. I tried when my daughter was 3 and had the power struggle and it wasn't worth it. One day she decided she was going to do it and didn't have an accident after that. I would wait until he's ready. Tell your mil that when he's ready you'd love her advice for training but he's not ready quite yet.

I have a similar issue with my lil guy who will be 3 mid June. He briefly had an interest in wearing his Mickey Mouse underpants, but then didn't want to use the potty and said he would just go on the floor! My thought is that I'll try to get him trained or close to it by fall. Hopefully it will go better when it's nicer outside.

As for the mom-in-law, does she see you and your son alot? Sometimes, when I don't agree with relatives, I mention that I've discussed the issue with my doctor and we are in agreement. Sometimes that generation will defer to a doctor's judgement easier than would to mine.

Good luck. I know that can be a difficult position for you!

I think you might want to back off for a little bit. If you can somehow get him to think it is his idea or that he is in charge of the situation, perhaps you will have more luck. What if you took a box and let him go shopping with you for potty accessories to go in it (potty seat, wipes, hand soap, potty book, little rewards, etc.). Then put everything in the box and tell him you are going to put it in the closet and when he's ready to go potty like a big boy then you will get it out. Then you can just ask him from time to time if he's ready to get the box out. He'll eventually say "yes" ... right?!

Here are a few things that worked for my son, as you may want to try them later.

1.) We bought a Cars movie potty seat that sits on top of the regular toilet seat. He loves that he is going potty on the "highway."

2.) We used advice in the book The Potty Boot Camp. It only took 2 days and our son was potty trained. (Except we did not do "naked" training, as it is my personal belief that it might work for girls, but not as well for boys.)
http://www.amazon.com/POTTY-BOOT-CAMP-Training-Toddlers/d...

As for my MIL, I made sure not to tell her the weekend that we were doing the training. When I dropped him off at her house several days later for her to babysit, I just included the potty seat with his other stuff and told her what to do. Good luck with your MIL -- I hope she backs off!

My son did the exact same thing! He was slightly afraid of the idea though, unlike your son. I waited a little while since I didn't want him to become more scared of the potty. He was about 3 yrs. and 3 mo. old when I eventually started pushing the idea. He seemed ready at the time since he'd tell me that he had to pee, then pee in his diaper. (He too, was afraid of pull ups and underwear and would scream and cry) I just had to tell him that there were no more diapers and that he had to wear underwear during the day and pull ups at night time. He did really well and very little accidents... really the only accidents would be poop in the pull ups. It's hard to walk the fine line between pushing them to do it, and waiting for the right time. I think Mommy Knows Best (not Mother-in-law). It sounds like she might be trying to help encourage the idea, but you will know when it's the right time! Good luck! :)

When my granddaughter was at the stage of getting potty trained she would go and hide - behind the sofa, under the slide at the park, anywhere. One day after she had gone potty in her pants I asked her why she wouldn't go in the pot/toilet and she said "there are monsters in the toilet" and I said there are no monsters in the pot and she said "yes there are on Scobby Doo". She had seen an episode on Scobby Doo where there were monsters in the toilet. After assuring her that there were no monsters in the toilet and that gramma would never let any monsters get her baby, she started using the toilet. We then stopped letting her watch Scobby Doo!!!! Maybe he has seen something to make him afraid to use the pot/toilet. Ask him.

My son just turned 2 1/2 and it was me who said "That's it! You will start training now." And my MIL had to go along with the idea (she babysits for us).
I noticed that he seemed afraid so I sat in front of him and stroked his back, held him, kissed him, and reassured him that everything was all right, but I didn't relent. I got him an Elmo potty book (he likes Elmo) and also got another potty chair for his baby sister (peer pressure).
I am not expecting miracles and I was afraid I would make things worse. Luckily, things are progressing as well as you would expect given the fact that he didn't want to... very slowly, but there is progress!
His pediatrician's only comment was that if we pushed, we could gain a few months, but no more, and it was up to us if it was worth the effort because if we waited for him to be "ready" it would go faster.
My son still resists sometimes (if he's grumpy for whatever reason). But he does tells us when he's pooping... we have yet to make it in time. He doesn't tell MIL and she seems to have a harder time with him, I'm not sure why. Doesn't tell us when he's wet... even if he's so wet his pants get wet! Overall, I'm just happy I can sit him on the potty every 2 hours (weekends) without a screaming match. If he makes it in time, great, we let him know he did an awesome job (everyone gives him High 5, etc.)! If he doesn't, oh, well (Elmo tells baby David it's okay) there's always next time. He also likes his pull-ups now. Though we are "pushing", we still put on diapers at night. My goal right now is not to avoid accidents, simply for him to realize that using a toilet is a skill he must learn... as someone else said "whether he likes it or not".
On the readiness issue: My mom had pretty much potty trained my baby brother before he turned 2. She started to take him to the bathroom when she noticed pushing as soon as he was able to sit on his own. So he pretty much grew into the idea that you poop in the toilet. So as he learned to speak, signaling when he needed to use the toilet was part of his beginning vocab.
So how do you define "being ready"? The usual meaning obviously cannot apply to a 6 month old baby. So is "being ready" then simply mean "growing into it"? For a 3 year old it means "practicing a new experience/skill willingly"? Is "pushing" the same as "forcing"?
Peer pressure works on some kids... seeing other kids his age use the toilet or be actively training to use the toilet could help.
I take mine to the bathroom with me. I realize we don't have the same "equipment" but the idea is the same. Every time I take him he always wants to sit down on his potty chair and "use" it too (his version somehow skips over the pulling down of his pants but he asks for toilet paper afterwards! ha ha). Monkey see, monkey do... it helps as well.
On your MIL... well, if she's willing to help you potty train... then maybe you should see where it leads? But if she's just telling you to do it, then I would just tell her YOU are not ready yet! :)

Hello Fellow PartyLIte Consultant!
My little ones will be 3.5 this month and they are JUST potty trained as of this last week! I had the same issues trying to get pull-ups and undies on them...kicking, screaming, etc. So I didn't do it!
I finally started the whole reward chart and it worked! However, they were both still pooping in their undies. We happened to be channel surfing and came across another boy and girl twin. It was Nanny 911 (not something that we would normally watch). However, these twins were 4.5 and still pooping in the undies. My kids saw how naughty they were and didn't want to repeat that behavior!
As far as your MIL is concerned, try sharing some of the research with her. Kids that are forced too early into potty training, spanked, yelled at, etc. may end up with self-esteem issues later on in life.
Good luck to you,
J. L.

I think that at 3, he should be potty trained, but I also think that by 3, you've far missed your window to easily potty train him, and now you have to either suck it up and put him in undies, toss the diapers, and go full force... or suck it up and probably have a 4yr old in diapers still fighting it.

I wholeheartedly agree with your MIL.... you should have started 6mos ago (or a year ago). Obviously its too late or that now, but at 3, he should be trained so go for it. Be tough, the more wishy washy you are, the more defiant he'll be about it. If you don't want ot go full force, then wait it out, but he'll probaby not be trained for quite some time yet... kids have ot be trained to be in preschool, and I'd probably want it out of the way a good year before he starts Kindergarten too.'

EDITED TO ADD that yeah, I realize I don't have the popular opinion, but I have two boys, both out of diapers before age 2, with zero problems, no pressure, no forcing. My youngest is 3, and he wlaks himself to the toilet, gets his own pants down, goes himself, wipes himself if needed, gets his own pants back on, and flushes, washes his hands, and i most of the itme don't even know when he uses the toilet during the day. If my 3yr old cna do all of that, any 3yr old can at least be out of diapers!

DON'T PUSH HIM!! It is SO much easier to potty train when your child is interested and ready. It will be a huge battle if he is not ready and will probably take much longer for him to be trained. Very frustrating for him and you!!

I would leave the subject alone completely for a bit (maybe a month) and then try again and see if he shows interest.

As for your M-I-L, why does she care??? I would nicely thank her for her input. "Thanks for your advice, but I'm going to wait until "Mikey" seems a little more ready. I'll let you know when we are working on it."

Running away? Jumping off the potty? Kicking and screaming? I would say he's not ready yet and you have to work on his head first. Watch the videos, read the books, buy the underwear, make the potty chart, etc, but don't put him on that potty until he's interested in using the knowledge you've given him.
Read some Brasselton (sp?) to make you feel better. He's a big believer in waiting for the child.
I should probably mention that I've posted questions about my own reluctant trainer, so I'm not an expert by any means.
However, I'm pleased to announce that my son is finally toilet trained. He turns 4 at the end of June. See? They all train before 4!!!

mom, i assure you that you are doing the right thing. your mil may have good intentions, but you are mom, and only you and dad have the specific instincts about how to raise YOUR child. hes already seemingly afraid of potty related things, is she forcing it on him when you arent looking or something? mil's drive me crazy. they are so pushy about their opinions. you are mom, you do what you feel is right for your son. sorry, but some kids just arent ready or dont care until they are older. one thing that i have heard works is just letting them run around naked, but then of course you might very well be cleaning up the floor a lot. my son does really well that way, he will sit on the potty just to toot when hes not wearing any pants, so im counting on that for potty training this summer. we live in the country, so hes going to run aruond naked outside (we are still too nervous about a mess to let him do taht indoors)

in the meantime, if you do the naked thing, you have to redefine where the bathroom is, if it works best to have it in the room you spend the day in, so be it. whatever works for you is what works.

you know what you can always do? you can ALWAYS blame the doctor. you can just say simply that you and your doctor have discussed it and this is the way that the doctor recommeded to deal with it. that way it should avoid any hard feelings and blaming or anything. assure her that hes perfectly normal to not want to, many kids dont, but like i said, blame the doctor! (and do talk to him about it and see if he has any ideas too)

good luck

Hi, I tried EVERYTHING when it came to potty training and the only thing that worked was he did it when HE was ready. I think all the training in the world can not make a child ready. I totally agree with you not to pressure. He has pottied before he will again..he knows where the toilet is and what it is used for...let him do it on his own time. I did start saying things like.."remember, you can go in the potty and then we won't have to change your diapers anymore" because we were getting frustrated too.And reminding him he gets stickers ect for going in the potty. As for MIL.. mine, still is trying to get my son to go when he doesn't need to. I politely say..."he will let us know when he needs to go" and he does. Good luck. I never thought my son would start to use the potty and now we have not purchased diapers for months and he rarely has had accidents..all on HIS time.

T.,

Rest assured that your MIL is WRONG! I have FOUR sons. I have successfully "trained" two of them, and had HORRIBLE problems with the other two. The key - the two I "forced" to train because I was done with diapers or didn't want two in diapers were the disasters and we continued to have problems until the age of 7! The two that I demonstrated how to use the toilet, but didn't really care when they wanted to train - both had minimal accidents. Potty training is a control issue - and the kid is IN CONTROL! The harder you push, the more they will resist. You can't FORCE this one, Mom. Let him lead. With our last one - who turned 3 in March and trained in April - we just noticed that he would announce after he had used his diaper. We made a deal, try the potty for the morning, we'll put the diaper back on at lunch. Each day we went a bit longer. We stuck with a night time diaper, but then last week he asked to wear pants to bed. We've had two wet beds, and since then, he wakes me up so he can use the toilet. That was what he wanted. We haven't had many problems because he has led the way with a little guidance. Don't make it into a power struggle. Just know, that letting him lead - will be the right thing and save you headaches in the future. Just have to ignore your MIL!

Lisa, Mom to boys 13, 10, 8, and 3

I had the same problem with my 3 year old. He was fully cabale of using the potty but didn't want to. We tried everything. When we asked him why he went in his pull up, he said because he could. He was just being stubborn & too lazy to stop playing to go to the bathroom. He even told us this.

Finally we just put him in underwear & told him he was a big boy & he was to use the toilet. No more diapers & pull ups were only for nap & night time. After about 2 days of fighting for a pull up or diaper he gave up. We only had one accident. Plus he got to pick out a fish when he was successfully "trained". He got his fish and we have a potty trained son.

If your son fights the underwear, have him go without. Just totally remove the pull ups & diapers from the equation. At this point it is not really forcing him to train as he is able to tell when he needs to go. It is more of taking the easy way out away.

You should never push your child into potty training. My son turned 3 this past November, and he's not potty trained either. He would poop on it but thats it. Then he stopped even wanting to do that. He also knows when he has to go. Physically he seems ready, but I'll let him decide when the time is right. My now 5 year old was difficult to train also. Then one day he just woke up and decided today was the day, and he was potty trained quickly. As for the mother in law, I would politely say that he's your son, and when he (and you) feel like he's ready he'll be potty trained. Just remember, he won't be wearing diapers in highschool!!!

T.,

I have two seperate answers to your question. First, it has been my experience that it's easier to potty train children when they are younger, before they get set in their ways and you end up with a power struggle. I have seen children go until they are 4 1/2 before they are potty trained.

That being said, these are your children and you are their parent. It is your decision. If you want to leave your child in diapers it is your right to do so. Your mother in law may not agree with it and may not like it, but she had her chance to raise children and this is yours. I would have your husband talk to her. Let her know that she has been heard. You have considered her opinion. You choose differently and she needs to respect your right to parent your children the way you see fit.

Good luck,
S.

I am generally against FORCING anyone to do anything they don't want to. Unless it is a health or safety issue (which potty training really isn't) there's no reason to force.

I had been gently pressuring my son to potty train, and things have gone much smoother with much less stress since I backed off on any pressure whatsoever. He completely poop-trained himself with almost no input from me. I let it be a non-issue, and he just did it on his own. He still isn't pee-trained at 3 years old, and I think it's because of the pressure I was putting on him about it. I just put him back in pull-ups and life is better for it.

P.S. try reading The Out-of-Sync Child to see if you recognize your son's behavior in it.